For those who choose to stay

[Guest guest]

I feel like there is no way I could be around my mom without ending

up frustrated and stressed out. I am wondering how others handle

this. The biggest issue I have is that she still manipulates,

belittles,(i could go on)etc and it triggered such anger and

frustration in me that I wanted to choke her. It was tough not

visiting her in the hospital and I never did hear about her condition

(sis is punishing me I guess). Another big issue I have is her

failure to acknowledge her abuse (past and present) and the damage it

caused and so I can't imagine being around her without being angry.

Its like ending a relationship with someone who hit you every time

you saw them and you return to them only to have them still hit

you.how could it be done without being negatively affected? No matter

how I look at it I always end up feeling it is impossible. I am at

the point where I feel it is over forever. Just wondering how others

have done it and if they continue to pay a high price. Thanks,

[Guest guest]

>

> I feel like there is no way I could be around my mom without ending

> up frustrated and stressed out. I am wondering how others handle

> this. The biggest issue I have is that she still manipulates,

> belittles,(i could go on)etc and it triggered such anger and

> frustration in me that I wanted to choke her. It was tough not

> visiting her in the hospital and I never did hear about her

condition

> (sis is punishing me I guess). Another big issue I have is her

> failure to acknowledge her abuse (past and present) and the damage

it

> caused and so I can't imagine being around her without being angry.

> Its like ending a relationship with someone who hit you every time

> you saw them and you return to them only to have them still hit

> you.how could it be done without being negatively affected? No

matter

> how I look at it I always end up feeling it is impossible. I am at

> the point where I feel it is over forever. Just wondering how

others

> have done it and if they continue to pay a high price. Thanks,

,

I am one of those who has chosen not to stay....at least for the time

being. I have the same questions as you do. The last time I spoke

with nada, I saw that she still didn't have a clue as to why I was so

upset. (Four months ago) I am sure that she is telling everyone that

I am depressed, and it is a result of the depression that I am

staying away. That will be a convenient excuse for her not to have to

think about the real reasons, which I talked to her about.

I don't think I have figured it all out yet. And until I do, I will

just do the best I can for myself. I am giving myself the

understanding that this is going to take time, and that I will give

it all the time I need.

I too don't see how setting any boundaries will help. Because it

doesn't seem to be what she is doing now that is the problem...it is

just that being around her brings up all these bad memories, and that

is too painful for me to deal with. I still have the memories without

her, but with her, they are more frequent, and I don't see the sense

in putting myself through that. And, just being with her is

unpleasant! She dominates conversations, never lets dad talk (she

always answers for him), and the stuff she talks about is just stupid

most of the time. (It isn't easy knowing that this is my 'mother'.)

She is also about a medium functioning BP, so much of the time, she

is behaving herself. It is just being around her that causes me to

wonder....when will she turn back into the witch.

Anyhow, , that my 2 cents!

Be kind & gentle to yourself - Sylvia

[Guest guest]

, I'm in the same boat. She doesn't mess with me much (at least not

when I'm around--of course), but just listening to her comments about other

people is enough to drive me crazy. I'd like to record her words for one

day then analyze them to see what percentage have to do with negativity and

enemy-making...it's got to be around 80%. It almost takes a full-time job

thinking up ways to be that negative...she's very creative.

For those who choose to stay

>

> I feel like there is no way I could be around my mom without ending

> up frustrated and stressed out. I am wondering how others handle

> this. The biggest issue I have is that she still manipulates,

> belittles,(i could go on)etc and it triggered such anger and

> frustration in me that I wanted to choke her. It was tough not

> visiting her in the hospital and I never did hear about her condition

> (sis is punishing me I guess). Another big issue I have is her

> failure to acknowledge her abuse (past and present) and the damage it

> caused and so I can't imagine being around her without being angry.

> Its like ending a relationship with someone who hit you every time

> you saw them and you return to them only to have them still hit

> you.how could it be done without being negatively affected? No matter

> how I look at it I always end up feeling it is impossible. I am at

> the point where I feel it is over forever. Just wondering how others

> have done it and if they continue to pay a high price. Thanks,

>

>

>

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> , I'm in the same boat. She doesn't mess with me much (at

least not

> when I'm around--of course), but just listening to her comments

about other

> people is enough to drive me crazy. I'd like to record her words

for one

> day then analyze them to see what percentage have to do with

negativity and

> enemy-making...it's got to be around 80%. It almost takes a

full-time job

> thinking up ways to be that negative...she's very creative.

>

Hey Greg that's a good idea. My nada's negativity rating would

probably be around 98 to 100%. She hated " jews " (with a nazi-like

venom), " niggers " , the neighbors, my sister-in-law, me(of course),

every boyfriend I ever had, my friends, my apartment in Nyc...come to

think of it, I really can't think of anything nice she had to say

about ANYthing or ANYone. Hummmm.

liquid sunsh

[Guest guest]

I just posted on this, but I'll respond to your post specifically.

The price is not too high or else I wouldn't do it. If the price of

poker goes up that high, my motto is to walk away with what you've

got. If you feel lucky another day, then go back to the table then,

but walk away BEFORE you lose your shirt and stay away for a while

when the chips are down.

You raised a good point with how nada STILL acts. The difference for

me is that it is irrelevant how she acts but rather how I react.

That is how I measure my growth.

There is the old adage that goes 'It is easy to be a wise man on a

mountain' meaning that it is much harder to put the wisdom into

practice in the valley amidst all the people and with human

relationships, but truly that is the only measure by which we can

fully assess how we've grown and where we still need work.

For instance, there are some people who are just devestated if

anyone talks about them behind their backs or if someone doesn't

like them or if things aren't perfect all the time- just peachy,

just peachy. I'm not one of those people anymore and infact expect

certain types of individuals to talk about me behind my back and I

don't value their words since they lack integrity with how they are

delivered (even if there are ounces of truth to what they may say).

And I do not wish to be liked by all people as there are some people

that it is much better NOT to be liked by just b/c they aren't nice

people.

So you get my point hopefully. My nada's mental illness was handed

down to her from her nada. My nada was and is the Queen archetype

while my grandnada was more the hermit/waif type. My nada always

feared and hated her nada and spoke about her so negatively behind

her back- I mean hated her with a passion and probably had good

reason. That is not me nor is that even an option for me as I refuse

to raise another generation of borderlines. It is a contract I made

with myself that I will not hate her. In turn, I will not fear her

nor be guilted by things she says or does. Of course she plays her

games, but the level of my own anger and disillusionment has gone

down considerably since entering therapy and putting things into

practice that were discussed. To me, it is not enough for me to

simply read SWOE and UMB and get them intellectually. I have to put

them to use in my daily life and make them work so that I can sleep

in peace at night knowing my fears of being a BP become more and

more apart of my past. And granted, I am still growing and will be

until the day I die (it is like a wounded ankle-always prone to

reinjury and I'm learning how to take better care of that ankle and

not pretend it wasn't injured)

I also love my nada and myself for the sake of myself and my current

family. They do not deserve to have me all crazy like when I'm

around her or to have to deal with my repressed anger from all the

years of abuse and so I've worked very hard on letting it go and

realizing today is a vastly different day than yesterday and I'm

living in a vastly different world than the one nada had me believe.

It is liberating and in turn I can also see my nada change ever so

slightly for the positive (which is not at all why I changed. That

is only a fringe benefit that may not always happen and yet it is

amazing when you give yourself the freedom to be happy and to be at

peace and to be a loving and vulnerable person how others in your

life can take notes and learn)

I also live 1000 miles away from my nada and do not see her but once

or twice a year (saw her three times last year b/c the birth of my

son, her first grandchild). I doubt I will ever live close to her

again just b/c I know that is not in my best interest nor the best

interest of my family. That sometimes breaks my husband's heart b/c

his family is awesome and lives back in the same city of nada but he

knows as he's seen my road to recovery).

I do not talk to my nada anywhere near as much as I use to - maybe

once or twice a month at most and she actually listens now days to a

lot of what I have to say (one of the things I complained about to

her when we went cold turkey no talking- the fact she didn't listen

to me or give a crap how my day was going- only called to talk aobut

her world).

I think my nada has changed, but only in so far as how she treats me

as I still see her treating other family members like crap.But ya

know, its not my job to save them and I told them all about BP and

they don't want to learn- oh well. I'm glad she treats me civil most

times and that I've got the SWOE tools for when she steps into BP

zone with me.

Another benefit is that therapy and learning how to deal with a BP

through SWOE has even helped the relationships in my life that

aren't with BPs just b/c I am able to see much more clearly what is

my crap and what doesn't belong to me. I am also able to trust much,

much more so than I ever have in my entire life. I think I give

people the benefit of the doubt moreso than I use to and ask them to

explain themselves when there is room for me interpretting things

negatively. It has made our marriage much better and much more apt

for long term survival...not only survival but happiness as we're

able to meet each other's needs- wasn't that way before I delved

into these BP issues.

That is probably more than you wanted, but this is what has worked

for me since you asked.

Take care

>

> I feel like there is no way I could be around my mom without

ending

> up frustrated and stressed out. I am wondering how others handle

> this. The biggest issue I have is that she still manipulates,

> belittles,(i could go on)etc and it triggered such anger and

> frustration in me that I wanted to choke her. It was tough not

> visiting her in the hospital and I never did hear about her

condition

> (sis is punishing me I guess). Another big issue I have is her

> failure to acknowledge her abuse (past and present) and the damage

it

> caused and so I can't imagine being around her without being

angry.

> Its like ending a relationship with someone who hit you every time

> you saw them and you return to them only to have them still hit

> you.how could it be done without being negatively affected? No

matter

> how I look at it I always end up feeling it is impossible. I am at

> the point where I feel it is over forever. Just wondering how

others

> have done it and if they continue to pay a high price. Thanks,