Re: Dan and All-- hateful world

[Guest guest]

> Don't send a message that you are a naive, little puppy

> dog wagging its tail, friendly to any person out there

> who wants to pet it -- unaware that there are abusive

> people out there.

>

> That seems to be a good way to fend off abusive or

> weird people.<<

Excellent advise. I used to be like that (friendly/naive), and to a

degree still am, but I've gotten a lot better at fending off monsters.

I wish we didn't have to go through so much crap. sunsh

[Guest guest]

I think one of the " problems " is we Do present ourselves as we really

are .....

and sometimes what we are is NOT assertive or compentent or

strong...sometimes we are FAR from that place.....

and we present that to the world whether we intend to or not..

So should we find another " mask " to put on for the world so they

won't pick on us?

Or should we find safer places to hang out until such time we ARE

stronger, more assertive, and more competent - and ready to face the

world that likes to kick puppies who wag their tails?

I did notice this a lot lately though...

It seemed the more I was wore down in the relationship with the guy

person - the more OTHER people picked on me, took advantage of me,

etc..

Even when I would go in a store - and say something friendly to

someone - they would look at me strange, or just grunt and look

away.. or something. It was really weird.

Someone mentioned to me yesterday that the guy friend treated me like

a " non-person " in ways. THAT is how I would describe how OTHER people

were treating me...like some Non Person just said something to them -

that it wasn't even WORTH acknowledgement... or deserved a touch of

contempt.

Now.. that I am getting a little stronger WITHIN MYSELF - I go to the

store and get an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT response from people!!!Though I

am saying the SAME thing (usually just trivial little statements)

people respond like I have brightened their day - rather than wasted

their time... or something...

I'm sure how people treat us has a lot to do with how we present

ourselves...

But how we present ourselves is a reflection of how we FEEL about

ourselves...

And if we don't FEEL strong - we can wear a mask - but it's not the

same...

Free >> glad to be coming out of the nonperson mode - but still likes

to wag her tail from time to time.

> > << I got very lucky that I didn't tick Dan off that one time and

I

> > am hoping to not tick anyone off in the future. >>

> >

> > Debbie, nothing you or anyone on this group has said in a long

time

> > even comes close to ticking me off, compared with some stuff I

have

> > to put up with in real life.

> >

> > << Also I seem to find jobs that no one sticks with because the

> boss

> > is a real pain. >>

> >

> > Those are the kind of jobs I have found all my career. I guess

my

> > interviewing skills and the way I present myself are only suited

to

> > those kind of bosses. It is a self-feeding problem, once you get

> > started on the treadmill of bad jobs you just get more burned out.

> >

> > - Dan

[Guest guest]

<<<<<<<

> > I read somewhere to present yourself as you really are,

> > and this will help you not to have that " magnetic

> > attraction " to weirdos, etc.

> >

> > During a job interview -- present youself as a strong

> > person who will not put up with abuse. This will fend

> > off having an abusive boss want you as an employer.

> >

> > In public, don't act like " Mr./Ms. Nice Guy or Girl "

> > that makes people think that you won't do anything if

> > they cheat you.

> >

> > Act friendly -- BUT -- at the same time act assertive,

> > conpetent, and act like you are educated regarding the

> > law!

> >

> > After all, you WILL probably sue someone if they cheat

> > you -- you WILL probably call the police if they rob

> > you! You WILL call the police if they stalk you!

> > You WILL stop having anything to do with them if they

> > are a weirdo -- so why act like you wouldn't?

> >

> > Don't send a message that you are a naive, little puppy

> > dog wagging its tail, friendly to any person out there

> > who wants to pet it -- unaware that there are abusive

> > people out there.

> >

> > That seems to be a good way to fend off abusive or

> > weird people.

> >

> > P.S. If the weirdos DO attach themselves to you, kindly

> > let them know that you are not available to them. Plain

> > and simple. Maybe direct them to the Salvation Army or

> > to a church who might help them.

> >

> > We're all in the same boat, here!!

> >

> > Barb T.>>>>>>

Barb,

This is excellent advice. I know it worked for me....and I still have

to use it at times. Our behavior sends out messages that often shout

louder than what we are saying.

Free,

Just based on my experience, yep, at times we do have to put on a

mask. If we aren't feeling competent, aren't being assertive,

sometimes it is in our best interests to act the part. I think this

is mostly true with people that don't know us very well. (And that's

alot of people!) Most of the world is dealing with their own

problems, and they don't want to deal with ours. At work, at the

store, at the gas station, they just want to deal with competent

people (or those who appear competent). And if we give off a

different perception, it will bring out the worst in many people. If

we don't appear able to take care of ourselves (being assertive,

setting boundaries), the abusers will be happy to abuse us, and the

codependents will be happy to take us into their fold so that they

feel better. And when we are acting competent, able to take care of

ourselves, we also attract people who can do the same.

I think most of us cannot always be in a safe place. So when we are

not, it is good to have a few acts & masks to fall back on. Just so

that we know that we are acting differently than we are feeling, and

we understand why we are doing it.

I think people who were not raised by a BP do this quite easily, and

do have any qualms about doing so. They consider this part of

getting along in the world. I don't mean that to be callous either.

And I am talking about those who do this in a knowing way....as, I

know this is what I have to do in this situation, even though it is

not my preferred way to act. Some call it 'picking your battles'.

Interesting topic...

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

> I read somewhere to present yourself as you really are,

> and this will help you not to have that " magnetic

> attraction " to weirdos, etc.

>

> During a job interview -- present youself as a strong

> person who will not put up with abuse. This will fend

> off having an abusive boss want you as an employer.

Problem. Deep down I could never see myself as a strong person who

will not put up with abuse. If I present myself as I really am, I

look like someone who expects to be beaten and cheated. If I present

myself as a strong person, I am pretending and it is usually seen

through.

The only answer to this is to become what I am not. I am going on 60

years of unsuccessfully trying to do this.

- Dan