Guest guest Posted March 12, 2004 Report Share Posted March 12, 2004 , Isn't it amazing hearing nadas voice, receiving a card, or just thinking about them makes us feel sick. Gee, our bodies are pretty smart huh, trying to tell us something. People from *normal* families say " forget about 'em but they don't realize the emotional complexities that are interwoven between nadas and their children.You and I and probably everyone on this list knows their nadas are toxic and abusive and negatively affect us. That isn't the hard part. The hard part is letting go of the false guilt, the need to rescue, the feelings of responsibility and in that way it is like we came from a cult of some sort. We have been brainwashed and have to re think it all for ourselves. It does get easier. I haven't spoken to nada in a year and there were a few times I almost called, but I didn't and am glad. IMO, we should stay in contact with someone because WE WANT TO, because WE ENJOY THEIR COMPANY, not because we feel we owe them something, like our life. Hang in there, be true to yourself, it gets easier and avoid making a rushed decision to contact her out of guilt. THEY SHOULD FEEL GUILTY FOR THE WAY THEY TREAT/ED US, AND YET WE FEEL WE OWE THEM. We have it backwards (brainwashed/conditioned) when we believe that BUT the truth does set us free. Of course they don't really want us free, not if it means they don't get what they want (which is ALWAYS FIRST) Keep posting, you really have the answers, you just have to give yourself permission to live them. Take care, > Hi all.. I want to again thank those of you who reponded to my " I'm new here " post a week or two ago. I have been reading all of the digests and not really feeling like saying anything, although gathering strength from reading the posts of other KOs who have broken off ties with their Nadas. > I haven't spoken to my Nada (this is the first time I am using this term), since Christmas Eve when she had an episode when we were about to go to my fiance's sisters for Christmas dinner. My fiance's sister and mother had invited my Nada the night before, not understanding and trying to do what was " right " . > Once at my home, preparing to leave, she got out of hand, in front of my kids, and just being around her was filling me with anxiety. After trying to elicit certain emotional responses from me and my fiance, she demanded I take her home. She then accused me of wanting her to leave. I took her home and the whole way there she layed into me. > I haven't seen her since. I don't listen to her ranting messages anymore and I blocked her email address from my home and work email addresses after the last email she sent that threatened to sue me. > I am home with my little boys today, who have bad colds. I am a call screener, mostly due to years of beng harassed and threatened by my Nada. A call came in earlier from a number I didn't recognize so I skipped it. When I checked the messages just now, there was a message from her saying not to erase the message and that her friend, who is always right, told her that this is what I need to do to break free of her. She told me she missed my kids, but that she loved me and understood that this is what I need to do. She was sort of crying on the phone but sunded sincere. > I am confused. Not about what I should do, but about how to feel. I still feel a bit guilty, but I also feel strong about wanting a peaceful life which means not having her in it. I also feel numb and sick just having heard her voice. I feel bad, because I know she is hurting but I cannot fix or save her. I know because I have tried again and again. My children have not asked about her once since the whole Christmas Eve fiasco. > I don't know... I am just a bit confused right now. I know I have some BP characteristics but also that most of these things that were really bad: self-injuring, manipulating, etc., I outgrew in my 20s (I am 34). > Anyway, I hate writing this stuff because I get sck of hearing myself talk, think, and type about it. > > I have started reading the " Eggshells " book but I am reading it in small pieces. > Anyway, I'm so lucky to have found this group. It's helping me make some sense out of everything. > Thanks- > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 13, 2004 Report Share Posted March 13, 2004 I like the way you put things . It really helps. I'm having the same FOGGY feelings cropping up on occasion. I'm so happy that I haven't " given in " to them but it's really hard sometimes. I have not spoken directly with nada since Nov. but I still sometimes think I *should*. When this happens, I reach out to my husband- very trusted friends and I read this group's postings. It helps so much. I haven't felt this good or been so prolific artistically as over these past few months- why would I want to sabotage myself by breaking this peaceful scene?- I'll be taking that question to my therapist this week! ;O} Thanks to all of you- Christy Re: My Nada called , Isn't it amazing hearing nadas voice, receiving a card, or just thinking about them makes us feel sick. Gee, our bodies are pretty smart huh, trying to tell us something. People from *normal* families say " forget about 'em but they don't realize the emotional complexities that are interwoven between nadas and their children.You and I and probably everyone on this list knows their nadas are toxic and abusive and negatively affect us. That isn't the hard part. The hard part is letting go of the false guilt, the need to rescue, the feelings of responsibility and in that way it is like we came from a cult of some sort. We have been brainwashed and have to re think it all for ourselves. It does get easier. I haven't spoken to nada in a year and there were a few times I almost called, but I didn't and am glad. IMO, we should stay in contact with someone because WE WANT TO, because WE ENJOY THEIR COMPANY, not because we feel we owe them something, like our life. Hang in there, be true to yourself, it gets easier and avoid making a rushed decision to contact her out of guilt. THEY SHOULD FEEL GUILTY FOR THE WAY THEY TREAT/ED US, AND YET WE FEEL WE OWE THEM. We have it backwards (brainwashed/conditioned) when we believe that BUT the truth does set us free. Of course they don't really want us free, not if it means they don't get what they want (which is ALWAYS FIRST) Keep posting, you really have the answers, you just have to give yourself permission to live them. Take care, > Hi all.. I want to again thank those of you who reponded to my " I'm new here " post a week or two ago. I have been reading all of the digests and not really feeling like saying anything, although gathering strength from reading the posts of other KOs who have broken off ties with their Nadas. > I haven't spoken to my Nada (this is the first time I am using this term), since Christmas Eve when she had an episode when we were about to go to my fiance's sisters for Christmas dinner. My fiance's sister and mother had invited my Nada the night before, not understanding and trying to do what was " right " . > Once at my home, preparing to leave, she got out of hand, in front of my kids, and just being around her was filling me with anxiety. After trying to elicit certain emotional responses from me and my fiance, she demanded I take her home. She then accused me of wanting her to leave. I took her home and the whole way there she layed into me. > I haven't seen her since. I don't listen to her ranting messages anymore and I blocked her email address from my home and work email addresses after the last email she sent that threatened to sue me. > I am home with my little boys today, who have bad colds. I am a call screener, mostly due to years of beng harassed and threatened by my Nada. A call came in earlier from a number I didn't recognize so I skipped it. When I checked the messages just now, there was a message from her saying not to erase the message and that her friend, who is always right, told her that this is what I need to do to break free of her. She told me she missed my kids, but that she loved me and understood that this is what I need to do. She was sort of crying on the phone but sunded sincere. > I am confused. Not about what I should do, but about how to feel. I still feel a bit guilty, but I also feel strong about wanting a peaceful life which means not having her in it. I also feel numb and sick just having heard her voice. I feel bad, because I know she is hurting but I cannot fix or save her. I know because I have tried again and again. My children have not asked about her once since the whole Christmas Eve fiasco. > I don't know... I am just a bit confused right now. I know I have some BP characteristics but also that most of these things that were really bad: self-injuring, manipulating, etc., I outgrew in my 20s (I am 34). > Anyway, I hate writing this stuff because I get sck of hearing myself talk, think, and type about it. > > I have started reading the " Eggshells " book but I am reading it in small pieces. > Anyway, I'm so lucky to have found this group. It's helping me make some sense out of everything. > Thanks- > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 13, 2004 Report Share Posted March 13, 2004 Yep. Feelings get pretty confusing. A good point you brought up is the MANY feelings we have. I guess that is what makes them so confusing. We don't just feel ONE thing. We feel MANY things at the same time - and some of the feelings conflict with each other.. I looked up some info on toxic relationships after reading your post. (A good thing for me to do). Found some interesting stuff: http://www.oprah.com/living/lifemake/experts/cheryl/living_expert_cher yl_f.jhtml Take Action — Test the Quality of Your Relationships Since soulful connections require an investment of time and energy, you'll want to choose the people you spend time with wisely. To determine whether a relationship drains you or fuels you, ask yourself the following questions. Am I able to be myself with this person? Do I feel accepted by them? Are they critical or judgmental of me? Does the relationship provide an even give-and-take exchange of energy? Do I feel upbeat and energized when I'm around this person, or depleted and drained? Does this person share my values? My level of integrity? Is this person committed to our relationship? Can this person celebrate my success? Do I feel good about myself when I'm with this person? From Cheryl 's book Take Time For Your Life. http://www.oprah.com/living/lifemake/experts/cheryl/living_expert_cher yl_e.jhtml Confront Your Toxic Relationships If you are not living with integrity, your life may be full of people who are draining your energy. Find out how to identify these people and take steps to heal or end these relationships. Cheryl explains that some relationships constantly drain your energy, in both obvious and subtle ways. Several types of people will exhaust you or deter you from your path of extreme self-care. These types include the following. The Blamer This is a person who consistently blames you and/or everyone else for her problems. The world and the people in it always seem to create havoc for this person, and instead of taking responsibility for her life, she'd rather blame others. The Complainer This person likes to hear his own voice. He constantly complains about what isn't working in his life and yet gets energy from complaining and dumping his frustrations on you. The Drainer This is the needy person who calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice, or whatever she needs to feel better in the moment. Because of her neediness, the conversation often revolves around her, and you can almost feel the life being sucked out of you during the conversation. The Shamer This person can be hazardous to your health. The shamer may cut you off, put you down, reprimand you, or make fun of your or your ideas in front of others. He often ignores your boundaries and may try to convince you that his criticism is for you own good. The shamer is the kind of person who make you question your own sanity before his. The Discounter This is the person who discounts or challenges everything you say. Often, she has a strong need to be right and can find fault with any position. It can be exhausting to have a conversation with the discounter, so eventually you end up giving in and deciding to just listen. The Gossip This person avoids intimacy by talking about other behind their backs. The gossip gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest " scoop. " By gossiping about others, he creates a lack of safety in his relationships, whether he realizes it or not. After all, if he'll talk about someone else, he'll talk about you. I think one thing about toxic relationships is they bring out our own toxicity...or make us toxic too - I'm not sure which. I would say in my relationship with the guy-person I started becoming the Drainer... He was somewhat a Shamer and Discounter - but mostly something else that doesn't seem to be on this list. > Hi all.. I want to again thank those of you who reponded to my " I'm new here " post a week or two ago. I have been reading all of the digests and not really feeling like saying anything, although gathering strength from reading the posts of other KOs who have broken off ties with their Nadas. > I haven't spoken to my Nada (this is the first time I am using this term), since Christmas Eve when she had an episode when we were about to go to my fiance's sisters for Christmas dinner. My fiance's sister and mother had invited my Nada the night before, not understanding and trying to do what was " right " . > Once at my home, preparing to leave, she got out of hand, in front of my kids, and just being around her was filling me with anxiety. After trying to elicit certain emotional responses from me and my fiance, she demanded I take her home. She then accused me of wanting her to leave. I took her home and the whole way there she layed into me. > I haven't seen her since. I don't listen to her ranting messages anymore and I blocked her email address from my home and work email addresses after the last email she sent that threatened to sue me. > I am home with my little boys today, who have bad colds. I am a call screener, mostly due to years of beng harassed and threatened by my Nada. A call came in earlier from a number I didn't recognize so I skipped it. When I checked the messages just now, there was a message from her saying not to erase the message and that her friend, who is always right, told her that this is what I need to do to break free of her. She told me she missed my kids, but that she loved me and understood that this is what I need to do. She was sort of crying on the phone but sunded sincere. > I am confused. Not about what I should do, but about how to feel. I still feel a bit guilty, but I also feel strong about wanting a peaceful life which means not having her in it. I also feel numb and sick just having heard her voice. I feel bad, because I know she is hurting but I cannot fix or save her. I know because I have tried again and again. My children have not asked about her once since the whole Christmas Eve fiasco. > I don't know... I am just a bit confused right now. I know I have some BP characteristics but also that most of these things that were really bad: self-injuring, manipulating, etc., I outgrew in my 20s (I am 34). > Anyway, I hate writing this stuff because I get sck of hearing myself talk, think, and type about it. > > I have started reading the " Eggshells " book but I am reading it in small pieces. > Anyway, I'm so lucky to have found this group. It's helping me make some sense out of everything. > Thanks- > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 13, 2004 Report Share Posted March 13, 2004 Thank you for your supportive words and to Free for the breakdown of toxic relationships. It's interesting- I think what fueled me to really break it off from my Nada this last time was my desire to break off all toxic relationships. I am not accepting anymore applications for " crazy " right now- hee hee. I also " broke up " with my best friend who I love very dearly but I know our relationship has been quite toxic. She and I went through a lot together when we were quite young. She has a Nada too. We kind of became mothers to each other and inadvertently, through doing so, developed a relationship patterned off of our Nadas. My friend has been contacting me via email lately and I am torn between wanting to see her and wanting to stay away. I will admit I feel strong but overwhelmed by all of this. I am also sick with the flu right now which always makes me feel needy. I think my Nada really only acted the way I needed her to when I was sick. I also tend to get sick when I am stressed or when my Nada contacts me--as if I act so tough on the outside that my body becomes ill from holding in feelings etc... I feel like I am babbling. Anyway, thanks again...and take care of yourselves. TRacy Also- I don't yet understand how to respond to postings the right way. I just send emails to the group. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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