Re: Enough! -- on being disinherited

[Guest guest]

>> Then my friend brought up aren't you concerned this will bring up

inheritance issues. Well, as a matter of fact my Dad's financial

manager said my nada recently wrote me out of their will. This is a

first. (I am from an " owning class " family.) It's funny how I don't

care. It's funny how my friend could not get that. She said money is

important. I should compromise. Spend time with her, just learn how

to do it without taking stuff on. Yuck!

>

Yuck is right. I've noticed KO's seem to get disinherited. I believe

it's a *control* thing. I wasn't surprised when it happened to me bcs

#1. I was split all bad and forever the 'Prodigal Daughter', and #2. I

moved to nyc and somehow learned to set unhealthy boundaries with nada

i.e. " if you act crazy I'll hang up and we won't speak for a year (or

three)... " and that's how our relationship was till the bitter end.

Had I understood about the abandonment thing maybe I wouldn't have

done that, but it was the only defence I had at the time, and it was

very effective.

I was hoovered (or perhaps fogged?) into seeing nada all the time in

her last year. Had I spent any time here I wouldn't have gone there.

Nothing changed accept big bro and I fought constantly (we don't fight

now <g>). Nada's final gesture was to give me the crazy finger from

the grave for being *independent*. That must be the reason. If she

were mad at me for some other reason she had a year to tell me. She

rewarded my big bro/all good/pseudo spouse with whatever she had,

because he never left 'home'. In 46 years he never " left " nada. (no

friends, never dated, god forbid marry...)

But I was surprised to discover my little brother was disinherited,

too. Now I think I understand why. He moved away to the west coast and

refused to be *controlled*. He didn't do anything " bad " like me, he

just refused to be 'engaged'in nada's life, even after she was dx'd

with terminal cancer. He showed up for the funeral bcs big bro fogged

him into it and paid for the trip.

So what's the point? A lawyer friend of mine was 'outraged' and was

trying to convince me to go to court over my third. I told her no way,

litigation would be bad for ME. I didn't care, and she couldn't " get "

that (initially). When she insisted, I said " fine " , she could take 50%

of whatever was 'recovered'-- as long as I didn't have to get involved.

Funny thing is, after my friend started researching she called me up

and said " forget it, this is too weird. " (Ah hah!)

We can't expect our friends to understand what it's like, and why we

don't care. Spending time with the FOO for fear of being disinherited

or out of obligation or guilt is a Faustian Bargan of the worst kind. YUCK

sorry for the rant

~waiting for the sun

Epiloge: after nada's death, my little brother attempted suicide,

saying, among other things, that he had been 'orphaned'. He planned it

and mailed letters to everyone -- including his teenage kids. YUCK.

Then, a year ago, his estranged 18 yr old son also attempted suicide.

Sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by mental illness...and I wonder

if the cycle can be broken?

[Guest guest]

--- In ModOasis , " Fincham " <cmccubbin@s...>

> My disinheritance was also my ticket out of Lillyland (nada's name

is Lilly)

> and it's the nicest thing she ever did for me.

>

> F :-)

Chris! That's Great! Lillyland -- made me go LOL

You seem to have your head together. I took it personally (not

anymore) tho it still stings once in a while. Not bcs of the money (I

have my own) but bcs........well........after I was a " bad kid " I did

all this " good stuff " i.e. Columbia University, Wall Street and etc.,

and I guess at some level the child in me *always* wanted her

approval. Weird how that happens. Yet she never could bring herself to

say " you done good " .

Never " approved " , then the passive disinheritence thing (I found out

after the fact -- ouch).

I was in the room when nada took her last breath. I've never said this

to anyone, but mixed in with the grief, there was a huge feeling of

liberation. I used to feel guilty about that -- no more

After that, I formed a healthy relationship with another. We're still

together. It took nada's death for me to be able to form that

relationship. Hope this story helps someone.

db

partly sunny

[Guest guest]

I remember someone wrote in here recently about how nadas offer to

help but then let things fall through..

In my case - it was more often my father that did that. I'm not sure

why. He DID help us - quite a bit in fact - but you could never be

quite sure what you could count on.

I remember when I brought my son home from the hospital (instead of

sending him to a residential school). My father had remarked several

times about how most of our problems were from the people we lived

around. (I lived in campus housing). I don't know WHERE he got this

idea... but he had it. Once some guy beat my son up - and my dad

remarked that it was because of living around " people like that " -

what did I expect. The funny thing - was I later found out the guy

was a adjunct instructor in MY OWN department!!! LOL Egads! That was

a bit " touchy " - to say the least.

Anyway, my father encouraged me to move a few times - and offered

to " help " with expenses. My parents rent out their old house - and so

my father promised to put the $300 a month they got from THAT -

toward rent on a house for me if I moved.

I reached the point I had to move because I had run out of the

allowed time you could live on campus.

At that time my income was VERY limited because I couldn't work much.

I couldn't leave my son alone. I couldn't take him with me. And I

couldn't find anyone willing to watch him for very long. So I took my

father up on his offer.

Well almost......

I found a few houses I liked - but my father didn't like them. For

one thing - I had to be VERY careful about the neighborhoods I chose.

I didn't want to be close to a lot of people at that time. I needed a

place that was safe for my son - yet a place where other people

wouldn't be bothered by his odd behaviors enough that they would make

it hard on us. I told my friend I just wanted to be that " daft woman

on the hill with her weird son. " but my father couldn't undersand

that. He kept saying he appreciated what I was trying to do - but I

couldn't take my son " away " from people... that he needed to be in

the " community. "

After a few looks at rental houses - my father decided it would be

wiser to purchase a house rather than waste money on rent. He kept

sending me to look at houses - but told me that he wasn't sure that

would " fly " up there (i.e. my mother would be ticked if he bought me

a house). So then he started sending me to look at trailers. He

thought one of those would be easier to get my mother's seal of

approval, I guess.

For some reason - none of that ever got past the planning stage. I

finally found a place *I* could afford and rented it. But the guy

took my money, and also rented the house to someone else, AND when I

got the water turned on - they had to shut it off immdediately

because the water pipes in the basement were horrid!

So my son and I survived with a combination of staying with friends,

cheap motels, and sleeping in the car. Meanwhile - my father told me

I should get an attorney to get my money back from the landlord. Yes.

Good business advise - but it took ALL I had to SURVIVE. Paying an

attorney to get money back someday didn't work into my budget.

I finally found a ONE ROOM apartment that I could afford with the

remaining money and so we moved there...and my son slept on the couch

and I slept on a cot in the entrance.

And my father did give me the $300 one month.

Something odd though - was one month he gave me $100 and told me to

add that to the money my mother gave me. She had NOT given me any

money. So apparently he THOUGHT she was giving me money. So maybe he

didn't know he wasn't helping, because he thought he was.

I don't know. I also don't know why I didn't tell him she hadn't

given me any money. It seems like it would have been easy to

say " What money? Mom didn't give me any money. " But I didn't mention

it. I was puzzled...and by the time I figured out what MIGHT have

been going on... it was hard to say anything because that would ahve

been bringing the topic UP - instead of just responding to what he

said.

I guess that would have been against the " rules " to " tell on " my

mother.

I don't know - the whole thing was weird...

Free

My mother every time we had a argument would say that she is not

going to give me money for this or that. THe thing is I am a doctor

earning good money but she would convince me to live beyond my means

and she would help me. I guess that is nice, and the easy way out.

BUt it really is not, and so I have learnt to live within my means

and not let her offer her help so that she will not be able to

withdraw it when she is ready. The weird thing is that she would get

upset when I refuse her help. These people are so fucked up, they

should never have had children.

>

[Guest guest]

Free,

Your story about how your parents jacked you around about a house was

familiar. My parents did exactly the same thing when I was going

through the divorce. I ended up in a house I didn't want, with

payments I couldn't afford, and then they withdrew their support.

I would live on the street before I would let anybody like that help

me with housing.

- Dan