Re: Emotional Abuse

[Guest guest]

Yes, an excellent article.

Here's another along the same lines,

You Carry the Cure In Your Own Heart

Emotional abuse of children can lead, in adulthood, to addiction, rage, a

severely damaged sense of self and an inability to truly bond with others.

But—if it happened to you—there is a way out.

by Vachss

Originally published in Parade Magazine, August 28, 1994

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The attorney and author Vachss has devoted his life to protecting

children. We asked Vachss, an expert on the subject of child abuse, to

examine perhaps one of its most complex and widespread forms—emotional

abuse: What it is, what it does to children, what can be done about it.

Vachss' latest novel, " Down in the Zero, " just published by Knopf, depicts

emotional abuse at its most monstrous.

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I'm a lawyer with an unusual specialty. My clients are all children—damaged,

hurting children who have been sexually assaulted, physically abused,

starved, ignored, abandoned and every other lousy thing one human can do to

another. People who know what I do always ask: " What is the worst case you

ever handled? " When you're in a business where a baby who dies early may be

the luckiest child in the family, there's no easy answer. But I have thought

about it—I think about it every day. My answer is that, of all the many

forms of child abuse, emotional abuse may be the cruelest and

longest-lasting of all.

Emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another. It may be

intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct,

not a single event. It is designed to reduce a child's self-concept to the

point where the victim considers himself unworthy—unworthy of respect,

unworthy of friendship, unworthy of the natural birthright of all children:

love and protection.

Emotional abuse can be as deliberate as a gunshot: " You're fat. You're

stupid. You're ugly. "

Emotional abuse can be as random as the fallout from a nuclear explosion. In

matrimonial battles, for example, the children all too often become the

battlefield. I remember a young boy, barely into his teens, absently rubbing

the fresh scars on his wrists. " It was the only way to make them all happy, "

he said. His mother and father were locked in a bitter divorce battle, and

each was demanding total loyalty and commitment from the child.

Emotional abuse can be active. Vicious belittling: " You'll never be the

success your brother was. " Deliberate humiliation: " You're so stupid. I'm

ashamed you're my son. "

It also can be passive, the emotional equivalent of child neglect—a sin of

omission, true, but one no less destructive.

And it may be a combination of the two, which increases the negative effects

geometrically.

Emotional abuse can be verbal or behavioral, active or passive, frequent or

occasional. Regardless, it is often as painful as physical assault. And,

with rare exceptions, the pain lasts much longer. A parent's love is so

important to a child that withholding it can cause a " failure to thrive "

condition similar to that of children who have been denied adequate

nutrition.

Even the natural solace of siblings is denied to those victims of emotional

abuse who have been designated as the family's " target child. " The other

children are quick to imitate their parents. Instead of learning the

qualities every child will need as an adult—empathy, nurturing and

protectiveness—they learn the viciousness of a pecking order. And so the

cycle continues.

But whether as a deliberate target or an innocent bystander, the emotionally

abused child inevitably struggles to " explain " the conduct of his

abusers—and ends up struggling for survival in a quicksand of self-blame.

Emotional abuse is both the most pervasive and the least understood form of

child maltreatment. Its victims are often dismissed simply because their

wounds are not visible. In an era in which fresh disclosures of unspeakable

child abuse are everyday fare, the pain and torment of those who experience

" only " emotional abuse is often trivialized. We understand and accept that

victims of physical or sexual abuse need both time and specialized treatment

to heal. But when it comes to emotional abuse, we are more likely to believe

the victims will " just get over it " when they become adults.

That assumption is dangerously wrong. Emotional abuse scars the heart and

damages the soul. Like cancer, it does its most deadly work internally. And,

like cancer, it can metastasize if untreated.

When it comes to damage, there is no real difference between physical,

sexual and emotional abuse. All that distinguishes one from the other is the

abuser's choice of weapons. I remember a woman, a grandmother whose abusers

had long since died, telling me that time had not conquered her pain. " It

wasn't just the incest, " she said quietly. " It was that he didn't love me.

If he loved me, he couldn't have done that to me. "

But emotional abuse is unique because it is designed to make the victim feel

guilty. Emotional abuse is repetitive and eventually cumulative

behavior—very easy to imitate—and some victims later perpetuate the cycle

with their own children. Although most victims courageously reject that

response, their lives often are marked by a deep, pervasive sadness, a

severely damaged self-concept and an inability to truly engage and bond with

others.

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We must renounce the lie that emotional abuse is good for children

because it prepares them for a hard life in a tough world. I've met some

individuals who were prepared for a hard life that way—I met them while they

were doing life.

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Emotionally abused children grow up with significantly altered perceptions

so that they " see " behaviors—their own and others'—through a filter of

distortion. Many emotionally abused children engage in a lifelong drive for

the approval (which they translate as " love " ) of others. So eager are they

for love—and so convinced that they don't deserve it—that they are prime

candidates for abuse within intimate relationships.

The emotionally abused child can be heard inside every battered woman who

insists: " It was my fault, really. I just seem to provoke him somehow. "

And the almost-inevitable failure of adult relationships reinforces that

sense of unworthiness, compounding the felony, reverberating throughout the

victim's life.

Emotional abuse conditions the child to expect abuse in later life.

Emotional abuse is a time bomb, but its effects are rarely visible, because

the emotionally abused tend to implode, turning the anger against

themselves. And when someone is outwardly successful in most areas of life,

who looks within to see the hidden wounds?

Members of a therapy group may range widely in age, social class, ethnicity

and occupation, but all display some form of self-destructive conduct:

obesity, drug addiction, anorexia, bulimia, domestic violence, child abuse,

attempted suicide, self-mutilation, depression and fits of rage. What

brought them into treatment was their symptoms. But until they address the

one thing that they have in common—a childhood of emotional abuse—true

recovery is impossible.

One of the goals of any child-protective effort is to " break the cycle " of

abuse. We should not delude ourselves that we are winning this battle simply

because so few victims of emotional abuse become abusers themselves. Some

emotionally abused children are programmed to fail so effectively that a

part of their own personality " self-parents " by belittling and humiliating

themselves.

The pain does not stop with adulthood. Indeed, for some, it worsens. I

remember a young woman, an accomplished professional, charming and friendly,

well-liked by all who knew her. She told me she would never have children.

" I'd always be afraid I would act like them, " she said.

Unlike other forms of child abuse, emotional abuse is rarely denied by those

who practice it. In fact, many actively defend their psychological

brutality, asserting that a childhood of emotional abuse helped their

children to " toughen up. " It is not enough for us to renounce the perverted

notion that beating children produces good citizens—we must also renounce

the lie that emotional abuse is good for children because it prepares them

for a hard life in a tough world. I've met some individuals who were

prepared for a hard life that way—I met them while they were doing life.

The primary weapons of emotional abusers is the deliberate infliction of

guilt. They use guilt the same way a loan shark uses money: They don't want

the " debt " paid off, because they live quite happily on the " interest. "

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When your self-concept has been shredded, when you have been deeply

injured and made to feel the injury was all your fault, when you look for

approval to those who can not or will not provide it—you play the role

assigned to you by your abusers. It's time to stop playing that role.

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Because emotional abuse comes in so many forms (and so many disguises),

recognition is the key to effective response. For example, when allegations

of child sexual abuse surface, it is a particularly hideous form of

emotional abuse to pressure the victim to recant, saying he or she is

" hurting the family " by telling the truth. And precisely the same holds true

when a child is pressured to sustain a lie by a " loving " parent.

Emotional abuse requires no physical conduct whatsoever. In one

extraordinary case, a jury in Florida recognized the lethal potential of

emotional abuse by finding a mother guilty of child abuse in connection with

the suicide of her 17-year-old daughter, whom she had forced to work as a

nude dancer (and had lived off her earnings).

Another rarely understood form of emotional abuse makes victims responsible

for their own abuse by demanding that they " understand " the perpetrator.

Telling a 12-year-old girl that she was an " enabler " of her own incest is

emotional abuse at its most repulsive.

A particularly pernicious myth is that " healing requires forgiveness " of the

abuser. For the victim of emotional abuse, the most viable form of help is

self-help—and a victim handicapped by the need to " forgive " the abuser is a

handicapped helper indeed. The most damaging mistake an emotional-abuse

victim can make is to invest in the " rehabilitation " of the abuser. Too

often this becomes still another wish that didn't come true—and emotionally

abused children will conclude that they deserve no better result.

The costs of emotional abuse cannot be measured by visible scars, but each

victim loses some percentage of capacity. And that capacity remains lost so

long as the victim is stuck in the cycle of " understanding " and

" forgiveness. " The abuser has no " right " to forgiveness—such blessings can

only be earned. And although the damage was done with words, true

forgiveness can only be earned with deeds.

For those with an idealized notion of " family, " the task of refusing to

accept the blame for their own victimization is even more difficult. For

such searchers, the key to freedom is always truth—the real truth, not the

distorted, self-serving version served by the abuser.

Emotional abuse threatens to become a national illness. The popularity of

nasty, mean-spirited, personal-attack cruelty that passes for

" entertainment " is but one example. If society is in the midst of moral and

spiritual erosion, a " family " bedrocked on the emotional abuse of its

children will not hold the line. And the tide shows no immediate signs of

turning.

Effective treatment of emotional abusers depends on the motivation for the

original conduct, insight into the roots of such conduct and the genuine

desire to alter that conduct. For some abusers, seeing what they are doing

to their child—or, better yet, feeling what they forced their child to

feel—is enough to make them halt. Other abusers need help with strategies to

deal with their own stress so that it doesn't overload onto their children.

But for some emotional abusers, rehabilitation is not possible. For such

people, manipulation is a way of life. They coldly and deliberately set up a

" family " system in which the child can never manage to " earn " the parent's

love. In such situations, any emphasis on " healing the whole family " is

doomed to failure.

If you are a victim of emotional abuse, there can be no self-help until you

learn to self-reference. That means developing your own standards, deciding

for yourself what " goodness " really is. Adopting the abuser's calculated

labels— " You're crazy. You're ungrateful. It didn't happen the way you

say " —only continues the cycle.

Adult survivors of emotional child abuse have only two life-choices: learn

to self-reference or remain a victim. When your self-concept has been

shredded, when you have been deeply injured and made to feel the injury was

all your fault, when you look for approval to those who can not or will not

provide it—you play the role assigned to you by your abusers.

It's time to stop playing that role, time to write your own script. Victims

of emotional abuse carry the cure in their own hearts and souls. Salvation

means learning self-respect, earning the respect of others and making that

respect the absolutely irreducible minimum requirement for all intimate

relationships. For the emotionally abused child, healing does come down to

" forgiveness " —forgiveness of yourself.

How you forgive yourself is as individual as you are. But knowing you

deserve to be loved and respected and empowering yourself with a commitment

to try is more than half the battle. Much more.

And it is never too soon—or too late—to start.

© 2000 Vachss. All rights reserved.

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Vachss has been writing for Parade since 1985. In response to endless

requests, we have collected all his past Parade articles here.

" Emotional Abuse "

> Edith here,

>

> <Reaching into my 'Gem' bag for something for the newbies>

>

> One of the things that eluded me for a long time in my recovery

> was the concept of *emotional* abuse. KOs raised in an

> emotionally abusive environment have no " normal " against which

> to compare what is happening or has happened to them.

>

> Below is an article I'd like to share with the newbies (its also

> good for a re-read by the oldies) that was published on the

> Internet, from the Dateline TV show. It was a real eye-opener

> for me a few years back. Prior to then I had no idea that I'd

> been emotionally abused -- physically, yes, but emotionally, no.

>

> - Edith

>

> <<

> Sticks and Stones

> Dateline: 09/18/00

>

> Emotional abuse, sometimes called verbal or psychological abuse,

> is perhaps the least understood form of domestic violence and

> child abuse. It is difficult to define and it is even more

> difficult to recognize. Police officers, courts, doctors,

> lawyers and other professionals are far more likely to respond

> to a child or adult victim who has a black eye, broken bone or

> other physical evidence of abuse.

>

> All of us have heard the saying " sticks and stones may break my

> bones but words will never hurt me " at some time or another. But

> it isn't really true, is it?

>

> Words can hurt when they are hurled like sticks and stones and

> the pain rarely ends when the abuse ends. Most victims of

> emotional abuse turn on themselves. The abusive messages become

> internalized and the victim continues the emotional abuse in his

> or her self-talk.

>

> Victims of emotional abuse may become withdrawn, anxious,

> depressed or even suicidal. They may experience sleep disorders,

> compulsions, panic attacks or engage in self-harm or obsessions,

> phobias, unreasonably risky behavior.

>

> For child victims, emotional abuse can cause speech disorders,

> hysterical outbursts, and delays in physical, mental and/or

> emotional development. It can lead to addiction. It can severely

> impair the child's ability to truly bond with others. In cases

> where a caretaker emotionally abuses a child by withholding

> love, it may cause a " failure to thrive " condition similar to

> that of children who have been denied adequate nutrition states

> Vachss, author of You Carry The Cure In Your Own Heart

> and several other works and an attorney whose clients are all

> children.

>

> The lives of adults who were emotionally abused as children are

> often marked by " a deep, pervasive sadness, a severely damaged

> self-concept and an inability to truly engage and bond with

> others " according to Emotional Abuse - What Is It?. Emotional

> abuse of a child also conditions the child to accept abuse as an

> adult.

>

> Many emotionally abused children engage in a lifelong drive for

> the approval (which they translate as " love " ) of others. So

> eager are they for love - and so convinced that they don't

> deserve it - that they are prime candidates for abuse within

> intimate relationships.

>

> To add insult to injury, emotional abuse is often trivialized.

> Police officers, courts, lawyers, etc. may be unwilling or

> legally unable to respond to abuse where there is no actual harm

> or threat of harm. Friends and family may fail to see the pain

> of the survivor of emotional abuse. As one mental health

> professional who is also a survivor of domestic violence writes

> in Emotional Abuse - What Is It?, " [w]e understand and accept

> that victims of physical or sexual abuse need both time and

> specialized treatment to heal. But when it comes to emotional

> abuse, we are more likely to believe the victims will " just get

> over it " when they become adults. "

>

> Unfortunately, victims of emotional abuse are not likely to

> " just get over it. " Many victims won't even realize that they

> have been subjected to emotional abuse. As with any problem, the

> first step is to recognize it.

>

> Definitions of child abuse and domestic violence can be

> confusing generally because a mental health professional may use

> one definition and a lawyer may use another. Lawyers in

> different countries or parts of the same country may define

> abuse differently, too. However, despite the confusion on the

> details, most people will agree that physically attacking

> another person with a knife or breaking his or her arm is abuse.

>

> a•buse

> v. tr. a•bused, a•bus•ing, a•bus•es.

> To use wrongly or improperly; misuse.

> To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use.

> To assail with contemptuous, coarse, or

> insulting words; revile.

> Obsolete. To deceive or trick.

>

> Using the dictionary definition of abuse, emotional abuse is " to

> assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words " or " to

> deceive or trick " or to hurt someone emotionally.

>

> Notice that there is no mention of intent. Emotional abuse can

> be intentional such as someone yelling " You're stupid! " at

> another person. It can also be unintentional. For example, when

> parents are involved in a bitter divorce, they may place too

> much pressure on their children to choose between the parents or

> to meet their emotional needs.

>

> According to the National Committee for the Prevention of Child

> Abuse, emotional abuse of a child is a pattern of behavior that

> attacks a child's emotional development and sense of self-worth.

> Emotional abuse of an adult is the " ongoing emotional

> environment created by your abuser for the purposes of control "

> according to Emotional Abuse by Pamela Brewer.

>

> Emotional abuse may include:

>

> threatening to hurt

> name-calling

> blaming unfairly

> shaming

> unfairly putting down

> ignoring

> ridiculing

> insulting constantly

> criticizing

> screaming

> shouting

> yelling

> throwing things

> damaging property

> hurting pets

> hurting other people

> rejection

> abandoning

> threatening to hurt other people

> threatening to damage property

> threatening to hurt pets

> withholding affection as punishment

> withholding approval as punishment

> repeatedly frightening

> repeatedly threatening to leave

> manipulating with lies

> making you feel guilty

> making you feel like you are crazy

> telling you are worthless

> treating you like you are worthless

> distorting your reality (mind games)

> making you fear for your safety

> making you fear for the safety of others

>

> For adults, emotional abuse may include isolating you from

> friends or family. The abuser may make your life miserable

> whenever you associate with anyone else or may be rude to your

> friends or family. Emotional abuse in an adult relationship may

> also include using money or children to control you. For

> children, emotional abuse by a caretaker may include a failure

> to provide the necessary love, support and guidance a child

> needs to thrive. It may also include placing excessive or

> unreasonable demands of child such as a parent who uses a child

> in the place of a confidante.

>

> Like guns, knives, fist or feet, words are simply another weapon

> that an abuser can use. For the victim, there is little

> difference in the end result: pain that can last a lifetime if

> left untreated.

>

> >>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I guess that I was pretty lucky in some respects. I lived the first 3 years

of my life with my grandparents and they are the ones that showed me that I

was loved. I remember clearly one time that it was made very clear to

everyone that I was loved by someone. I was about 3 years old. My birth

mother, grandfather, soon to be stepfather(later adopted me), & uncle were

going to work. Granny got into the car to talk to my granddaddy so I thought

she was going too and I didn't want to be at home all alone, so I layed down

on the little front porch and proceeded to pitch the most wonderful little

fit that I could do. I had never done such a thing before so they should

have figured out that I had misunderstood what was going on. Anyway,

step-jerk came running up really quick and jerked me up by one arm and beat

the hell out of me. My Uncle came around the car to where we were and

threatened to kill him. My granddaddy knew the seriousness of the situation

and tried to make peace but I remember the words that my Uncle and

Grandfather said.

" She is not your daughter and even if she were, you would have no right to

treat her like that. If you ever do so again you are a dead man. " As long as

I was around any of my mothers people I was safe even from her. But after my

grandaddy died and we moved to Michigan all hell broke loose for me. All the

stops were pulled out. I was forced to listen to him go one for hours about

my offenses, and his favorite thing to do was to ask me who I was. I had to

stand there as long as it took for me to say the words " Nobody " . One night

at age 12 I had had enough. I wanted to die or be free from them both. He

started hitting me with a belt. I decided to call him every name in the book

that he had called me. For everytime he smacked me with the belt I called

him another name and he called me one. Around and around that dining room

table we went. I had blood and blood blisters all over my body and still I

wouldn't give in. His favorite statement was always I'll break you yet.

Finally he told me " I'll kill you, you little ____ ____ ____. " I told him

that I didn't care because he couldn't eat me. " I told him that being dead

was better than living around him. He beat me some more. Mother begged me to

stop and I refused. Finally she really did become fearful for my safety and

practically got on her hands and knees and begged me to stop. Only for her

was I willing to stop. I went up into my room. But for all her concern, not

once did she ever check my injuries or even act like she gave a care. He

moved out not long after. Then she started in on me. She had always mentally

abused me, but I never understood it as such until much later in my life.

The last time I ever stayed under her roof she accused me of sleeping with

her husband. I left and lived in the streets rather than to ever go back

home. For a while I did turn to drugs and alcohol. I couldn't hold a job

longer than 3 months. Someone was always tripping that darn trigger that my

supposed parents had always tripped. It was almost always a woman. I can

pretty much get along with men, but women are another matter. I do have a

few friends that that I associate with, but I can only reach a certain

closeness and then I have to back way off. I do have 2 friends that I have

had for 2 or 3 years and they are more like sisters than the ones I have in

real life. I wouldn't trade them for any local friends. They are my strength

and my support group. One of them recommended this group to me because said

that it had really helped her. From hearing you all talk I feel like I

should be in therapy again. But what would I say to anyone? My mothers a

b_____

and so I am not going around her anymore. I can't hardly talk to anyone

about it. I get so uptight with what I learn that it just floats across my

mind all the time when I am in therapy. They had me write a letter to my

Step-adopted dad. They never requested one about my mother, nor did they act

like she was an issue. I had planned my step-adopted dads murder when I was

12 years old. I only lacked the knowledge of how to pull it off without

waking him up. I had such a burning hatred of him it sucked all my life

loving forces out of me, even for 20 years after I had left home. Come to

find out just recently that I have so much rage in my heart at her for her

unjust treatment of my husband and children that it would be an easy thing

to just hit her with all of it at once. The best thing I ever did was to

marry the man I have now. He has never hit me one time in the 23 years we

have been married. The first 2 husbands did hit me all the time. I learned

to hit back and then I learned to leave. I told this one that the first time

he ever hit me I was walking out that door even if I was 90 years old. He

swore that he had been raised better than to do such a thing. He has kept

his word on that one. He also doesn't drink or do drugs. We both do smoke. I

have wanted to quit for years. But everytime I do I cannot control my anger.

So I smoke. I quit drugs and drinking when I was 23 and I sure don't miss

the life. I hated it the whole time I lived like that. I have survived by

telling myself that she is mentally ill and so its not right to hold things

against a sick person who is unaware of what they are doing. But the last

few years has proved to me that I cannot continue to keep my head in the

sand, because then I put my family at risk. It is all that holds me

together. I can trust my mother in law, my father in law, most of my sisters

in law, my husband and kids and my 2 friends on the net. Thats my support

group. My mother in law had a mother much like mine and so she is very

sympathetic with my situation. She doesn't live in the same state as her

mother though and so she doens't have the rages to deal with. Anyway, This

whole article just seem to hit home and I wanted to talk about it. I

appreciate the concrete information. I am definitely in the right place.

Thank you

Debbie

" Emotional Abuse "

> Edith here,

>

> <Reaching into my 'Gem' bag for something for the newbies>

>

> One of the things that eluded me for a long time in my recovery

> was the concept of *emotional* abuse. KOs raised in an

> emotionally abusive environment have no " normal " against which

> to compare what is happening or has happened to them.

>

> Below is an article I'd like to share with the newbies (its also

> good for a re-read by the oldies) that was published on the

> Internet, from the Dateline TV show. It was a real eye-opener

> for me a few years back. Prior to then I had no idea that I'd

> been emotionally abused -- physically, yes, but emotionally, no.

>

> - Edith

>

> <<

>

[Guest guest]

> Edith here,

>

> <Reaching into my 'Gem' bag for something for the newbies>

>

Aha. Thanks for the gemstone. I'm guessing the article speaks to all

of us, I know it resonated with me.

Esp with recent events. I did have ISP block BP brother and now he's

taking it out on my nephew (and me).

" For adults, emotional abuse may include isolating you from

friends or family. The abuser may make your life miserable

whenever you associate with anyone else or may be rude to your

friends or family. Emotional abuse in an adult relationship may

also include using money or children to control you. ...It may also

include placing excessive or unreasonable demands of child such as a

parent who uses a child in the place of a confidante. "

I feel like I'm groping in the dark. I know I should to talk to my

nephew about this situation, bcs he asked me about it. But I realize I

don't know how. Perhaps I should be the " truth bearer? " It doesn't

matter if his fada finds out. He can't split me anymore than he

already has. I'd be very grateful for any suggestions.

I ordered the book 'Splitting' today -- thanks for the heads up. Only

$15 U$D whoo hoo!

~daphne

[Guest guest]

> I feel like I'm groping in the dark. I know I should to talk to my

> nephew about this situation, bcs he asked me about it. But I

realize I

> don't know how. Perhaps I should be the " truth bearer? " It doesn't

> matter if his fada finds out. He can't split me anymore than he

> already has. I'd be very grateful for any suggestions.

>

That's a hard call. With your nephew being 16 - AND really knowing

quite a bit about the situation - it is different than talking to a

small child about it.

Yet in the email - it sounded like you nephew mostly wanted assurance

that he could trust you not to tell his dad he was talking to you.

Do you feel you need to tell him for your sake? To tell your side?

Or do you feel that you might need to tell him for his sake?

Considering those might help you get some clarity..of if, what, how,

and when to say anything.

Free