Guest guest Posted October 9, 2005 Report Share Posted October 9, 2005 Hi Mara, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with this decision. My husband once while staying in a Convalescent Home for recovery from a UTI would call me at all hours from the phone in his room. He would tell me I was late to come and pick him up and that he had been waiting all day. He would call me sometimes at 2 and 3 in the morning and tell me directions on how to get there, even though they didn't make sense. He didn't know how to dial a phone, so I knew the nurses were dialing the phone for him. I asked my husband to hand the phone to one of the nurses, so I could speak with them and I asked the nurse that very question, why they didn't distract him and get him involved with something else. Her reply was that she felt that he needed to hear my familiar voice and when he hung up, he was much more calm and cooperative and ready to go back to sleep or do an activity, before the call he was loud and persistent to call me, he would not give up the shouting and carrying on until he called me. He thought they were in a conspiracy to keep him from the outside world. He was settled again once he heard my voice. Maybe this is what the staff there is doing. It must have been a long hard trip on both you and your father. In my experience with my husband long travels are out of the question. He does not travel well and gets very aggressive and confused with all the commotion at the airport. I traveled once with him across the country in 2000 and it was the Nightmare from Hell with him. I vowed never to bring him on a long trip again. We almost didn't make it home with his paranoia. He doesn't even travel well by car anymore. 15 minutes out from the house and 15 minutes back is all he can take. IMHO (In my humble Opinion) I believe now that your father is in Florida, he should remain there. The traveling back and forth and the Change is hard on LBD LOs. He needs to acclimate in one place and not be removed, unless the facility is not treating him well. But you need to give it time for him to get acclimated. Your sisters are there to watch over him aren't they or do they live farther away from the facility? Mara, don't feel guilty for what you have done, you have the right to move your father where you would like him to be. You didn't know that they would have an opening so soon in FL and you took it. You didn't have time to warn the other facility of your possible plan. They are not concerned about missing your father, they are concerned now, because they have a vacant space and need someone there to fill it, so they don't lose out on pay for that room. Believe me, their feelings aren't hurt. They have people coming and going all the time in these places. Maybe they would have liked to have closure and say good bye to him,so it makes for a better transition, but it didn't happen that way and it's ok. Take care Mara and don't stress too much. I have to tell myself the samething. Life is too short to get yourself in a knot over everything, especially the small stuff, like if you hurt the staff's feelings. Your feelings are normal. The key is to acknowledge them and recognize they are universal. Most important, don't feel ashamed of your emotions. Mara, in today's " Parade Magazine " is an entire article on What Caregivers Need To Know and it gives a list of resources that can help caregivers. Go to: http://www.parade.com Hugs, Jan --- Mara Herzberger wrote: > I visited my sisters in Florida. It was about a 24 > hour trip. I wanted to > check out the Arden Courts in Sarasota and I have to > say I love it. I was > expecting they would have an opening in a few > months, but they'll have one > in a week or so. > > > > The residents in the new facility seem to be closer > to the beginning stages. > My dad is currently struggling to communicate with > the residents where he is > now. He had breakfast with one woman who tried to > eat her banana with the > peel on. As well, she ate her rice at dinner one > grain at a time with her > fingers. > > > > One feature of all the Arden Courts is the fact that > they have courtyards > with paths between them. In land, he wouldn't > be able to take advantage > of that in the winter, but may be able to in > Florida. We wouldn't have to > deal with the snow, but I guess hurricanes are still > a concern. The Florida > facility has a huge back yard. > > > > I heard that the Florida facility has more nurses, > while the land > facility has CNA s. As well, the director in > Florida seemed more familiar > with the VA system. The one in land didn't want > him to have a VA pcp. > (He has to in order to get the VA medicines). They > said that could be a > conflict. I think the one in Florida was more > negotiable. There may be > more senior benefits, being that they are in a state > with more seniors. > > > > My dad leaves messages 3 or 4 times a day for me. > All terrifying, like he > has to get out and he doesn't know the way out. The > only phone is at the > nurse's station. So, I'm wondering why he's able to > do this. Why don't > they try to comfort him and lead him to some > activities? Oh yeah, he called > the police there 3x yesterday!!! > > > > I do feel some unnecessary guilt. Not really about > my dad's situation. But > I didn't call the Md Arden Courts when I signed up > for the Fla one. I > thought it may be better if the directors handled > that internally. (There > may not be a problem if they're transferring from > one facility to another). > There's a 30 day notice policy. I was hoping to get > around it. The guilt > comes in when the Md director said, " We got a call > from Arden Courts in > Sarasota. We were surprised we didn't hear anything > from you. " I'm super > sensitive. I feel like I hurt their feelings, I > guess. Everything's just > moving so quickly. I didn't have much time either. > But I planned to get in > touch with them Monday. I need to toughen up a > little, I know. > > > > Maybe some of the fla. residents on this list can > give me some advice if > this is a good idea. > > > > Blessings, > > Mara > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > __________________________________ Yahoo! Music Unlimited Access over 1 million songs. Try it free. http://music.yahoo.com/unlimited/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 9, 2005 Report Share Posted October 9, 2005 Hi, Janet. " Visiting Angels " sounds like a promising organization for when in home care assistance is needed. Have not tried them yet. Just heard their ads, which of course could be very deceiving. But I expect at some point soon, my wife will phone them to see what they're like. In my opinion, it was very unthinking and inconsiderate of the nursing staff not to tell you beforehand what their aim was in allowing your husband to phone you at all hours of the night. Had they told you beforehand that such calls would make things easier on them, on your husband and on you, you would have known what was going on, would not have gotten so terribly stressed, and even could likely have done better with your end of the conversation. Sounds as if those nurses were nincompoops in that regard. But at least, when you asked to speak to them, they were able to explain intelligently the method of their madness. Elliot > > > I visited my sisters in Florida. It was about a 24 > > hour trip. I wanted to > > check out the Arden Courts in Sarasota and I have to > > say I love it. I was > > expecting they would have an opening in a few > > months, but they'll have one > > in a week or so. > > > > > > > > The residents in the new facility seem to be closer > > to the beginning stages. > > My dad is currently struggling to communicate with > > the residents where he is > > now. He had breakfast with one woman who tried to > > eat her banana with the > > peel on. As well, she ate her rice at dinner one > > grain at a time with her > > fingers. > > > > > > > > One feature of all the Arden Courts is the fact that > > they have courtyards > > with paths between them. In land, he wouldn't > > be able to take advantage > > of that in the winter, but may be able to in > > Florida. We wouldn't have to > > deal with the snow, but I guess hurricanes are still > > a concern. The Florida > > facility has a huge back yard. > > > > > > > > I heard that the Florida facility has more nurses, > > while the land > > facility has CNA s. As well, the director in > > Florida seemed more familiar > > with the VA system. The one in land didn't want > > him to have a VA pcp. > > (He has to in order to get the VA medicines). They > > said that could be a > > conflict. I think the one in Florida was more > > negotiable. There may be > > more senior benefits, being that they are in a state > > with more seniors. > > > > > > > > My dad leaves messages 3 or 4 times a day for me. > > All terrifying, like he > > has to get out and he doesn't know the way out. The > > only phone is at the > > nurse's station. So, I'm wondering why he's able to > > do this. Why don't > > they try to comfort him and lead him to some > > activities? Oh yeah, he called > > the police there 3x yesterday!!! > > > > > > > > I do feel some unnecessary guilt. Not really about > > my dad's situation. But > > I didn't call the Md Arden Courts when I signed up > > for the Fla one. I > > thought it may be better if the directors handled > > that internally. (There > > may not be a problem if they're transferring from > > one facility to another). > > There's a 30 day notice policy. I was hoping to get > > around it. The guilt > > comes in when the Md director said, " We got a call > > from Arden Courts in > > Sarasota. We were surprised we didn't hear anything > > from you. " I'm super > > sensitive. I feel like I hurt their feelings, I > > guess. Everything's just > > moving so quickly. I didn't have much time either. > > But I planned to get in > > touch with them Monday. I need to toughen up a > > little, I know. > > > > > > > > Maybe some of the fla. residents on this list can > > give me some advice if > > this is a good idea. > > > > > > > > Blessings, > > > > Mara > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > > removed] > > > > > > > > > __________________________________ > Yahoo! Music Unlimited > Access over 1 million songs. Try it free. > http://music.yahoo.com/unlimited/ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 9, 2005 Report Share Posted October 9, 2005 Jan, Thanks for your email. The move didn't happen yet. That fun is still upon me! Blessings, Mara _____ From: LBDcaregivers [mailto:LBDcaregivers ] On Behalf Of Janet Colello Sent: Sunday, October 09, 2005 4:58 PM To: LBDcaregivers Subject: Re: Big Change/Mara Hi Mara, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with this decision. My husband once while staying in a Convalescent Home for recovery from a UTI would call me at all hours from the phone in his room. He would tell me I was late to come and pick him up and that he had been waiting all day. He would call me sometimes at 2 and 3 in the morning and tell me directions on how to get there, even though they didn't make sense. He didn't know how to dial a phone, so I knew the nurses were dialing the phone for him. I asked my husband to hand the phone to one of the nurses, so I could speak with them and I asked the nurse that very question, why they didn't distract him and get him involved with something else. Her reply was that she felt that he needed to hear my familiar voice and when he hung up, he was much more calm and cooperative and ready to go back to sleep or do an activity, before the call he was loud and persistent to call me, he would not give up the shouting and carrying on until he called me. He thought they were in a conspiracy to keep him from the outside world. He was settled again once he heard my voice. Maybe this is what the staff there is doing. It must have been a long hard trip on both you and your father. In my experience with my husband long travels are out of the question. He does not travel well and gets very aggressive and confused with all the commotion at the airport. I traveled once with him across the country in 2000 and it was the Nightmare from Hell with him. I vowed never to bring him on a long trip again. We almost didn't make it home with his paranoia. He doesn't even travel well by car anymore. 15 minutes out from the house and 15 minutes back is all he can take. IMHO (In my humble Opinion) I believe now that your father is in Florida, he should remain there. The traveling back and forth and the Change is hard on LBD LOs. He needs to acclimate in one place and not be removed, unless the facility is not treating him well. But you need to give it time for him to get acclimated. Your sisters are there to watch over him aren't they or do they live farther away from the facility? Mara, don't feel guilty for what you have done, you have the right to move your father where you would like him to be. You didn't know that they would have an opening so soon in FL and you took it. You didn't have time to warn the other facility of your possible plan. They are not concerned about missing your father, they are concerned now, because they have a vacant space and need someone there to fill it, so they don't lose out on pay for that room. Believe me, their feelings aren't hurt. They have people coming and going all the time in these places. Maybe they would have liked to have closure and say good bye to him,so it makes for a better transition, but it didn't happen that way and it's ok. Take care Mara and don't stress too much. I have to tell myself the samething. Life is too short to get yourself in a knot over everything, especially the small stuff, like if you hurt the staff's feelings. Your feelings are normal. The key is to acknowledge them and recognize they are universal. Most important, don't feel ashamed of your emotions. Mara, in today's " Parade Magazine " is an entire article on What Caregivers Need To Know and it gives a list of resources that can help caregivers. Go to: http://www.parade.com Hugs, Jan _____ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 9, 2005 Report Share Posted October 9, 2005 Oh My! Sorry for the misunderstanding. I got a little confused as to where he is at. Good, you have some time to think this through then on what you really want to do and where you would like to have your dad. It's never easy, I know!........Jan --- Mara Herzberger wrote: > Jan, > > > > Thanks for your email. The move didn't happen yet. > That fun is still upon > me! > > > > Blessings, > > Mara > > > > _____ > > From: LBDcaregivers > [mailto:LBDcaregivers ] > On Behalf Of Janet Colello > Sent: Sunday, October 09, 2005 4:58 PM > To: LBDcaregivers > Subject: Re: Big Change/Mara > > > > Hi Mara, > I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with this > decision. My husband once while staying in a > Convalescent Home for recovery from a UTI would call > me at all hours from the phone in his room. He would > tell me I was late to come and pick him up and that > he > had been waiting all day. He would call me sometimes > at 2 and 3 in the morning and tell me directions on > how to get there, even though they didn't make > sense. > He didn't know how to dial a phone, so I knew the > nurses were dialing the phone for him. I asked my > husband to hand the phone to one of the nurses, so I > could speak with them and I asked the nurse that > very > question, why they didn't distract him and get him > involved with something else. Her reply was that she > felt that he needed to hear my familiar voice and > when > he hung up, he was much more calm and cooperative > and > ready to go back to sleep or do an activity, before > the call he was loud and persistent to call me, he > would not give up the shouting and carrying on until > he called me. He thought they were in a conspiracy > to > keep him from the outside world. He was settled > again > once he heard my voice. Maybe this is what the staff > there is doing. > It must have been a long hard trip on both you and > your father. In my experience with my husband long > travels are out of the question. He does not travel > well and gets very aggressive and confused with all > the commotion at the airport. I traveled once with > him > across the country in 2000 and it was the Nightmare > from Hell with him. I vowed never to bring him on a > long trip again. We almost didn't make it home with > his paranoia. He doesn't even travel well by car > anymore. 15 minutes out from the house and 15 > minutes > back is all he can take. > IMHO (In my humble Opinion) I believe now that your > father is in Florida, he should remain there. The > traveling back and forth and the Change is hard on > LBD > LOs. He needs to acclimate in one place and not be > removed, unless the facility is not treating him > well. > But you need to give it time for him to get > acclimated. Your sisters are there to watch over him > aren't they or do they live farther away from the > facility? > Mara, don't feel guilty for what you have done, you > have the right to move your father where you would > like him to be. You didn't know that they would have > an opening so soon in FL and you took it. You didn't > have time to warn the other facility of your > possible > plan. They are not concerned about missing your > father, they are concerned now, because they have a > vacant space and need someone there to fill it, so > they don't lose out on pay for that room. Believe > me, > their feelings aren't hurt. > They have people coming and going all the time in > these places. Maybe they would have liked to have > closure and say good bye to him,so it makes for a > better transition, but it didn't happen that way and > it's ok. > Take care Mara and don't stress too much. I have to > tell myself the samething. Life is too short to get > yourself in a knot over everything, especially the > small stuff, like if you hurt the staff's feelings. > Your feelings are normal. The key is to acknowledge > them and recognize they are universal. Most > important, > don't feel ashamed of your emotions. Mara, in > today's > " Parade Magazine " is an entire article on What > Caregivers Need To Know and it gives a list of > resources that can help caregivers. Go to: > http://www.parade.com > Hugs, Jan > > > > > > _____ > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > __________________________________ Yahoo! Mail - PC Magazine Editors' Choice 2005 http://mail.yahoo.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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