Feeling Depressed and Ambivalent (very long post)

[Guest guest]

Hi Kids!!!

& nbsp;

It's been & nbsp;6 months since I last posted so I thought I'd stop by and let

everyone know how I'm doing.

& nbsp;

When I last wrote, my post was a bit of downer since I was frustrated/saddened

by my chronic and explosive diarrhea/gas/odor issues. Despite trying to eat low

fat/low sugar/high protein/high fiber, my BMs were extremely loose/watery in

consistency. Furthermore I was suffering from fecal incontinence since I had no

control over my BMs or sometimes never felt the " urge " until it was too late.

Since I was having horribly smelling " accidents " everywhere (work, stores,

libraries, movies, school, etc) I gave up wearing underwear and started

wearing & nbsp;Depends 24/7. Some days are better than others and I can actually

function quite normally and go to work/school without fear of embarrassment.

Other days are horrific and I end up taking 2 or 3 showers in a day and stay at

home. There seeems to be no rhyme or reason to my " accidents " --sometimes I can

eat a meal and be perfectly fine and the next meal will have me running for the

bathroom (sometimes without

luck).

& nbsp;

This condition has been going on for nearly two years and has cost me one job, a

home & nbsp;and my nursing career because of my " accidents. " My " accidents "

wouldn't be so bad if they were a little more subtle, but unfortunately I

usually have big blowouts that are so smelly that coworkers/schoolmates have

actually vacated the room I was in and complained of feeling nauseated. Needless

to say, prayers to God asking for the Earth to open up and swallow me to cover

my humiliation and shame have gone unanswered. Just last week I exploded at work

and soiled my clothes so badly that I ended up going home in tears and

mortification.

& nbsp;

When I last posted, I said I didn't regret having WLS. I was happy that I had

managed to lose 200+ pounds and had reduced my chances of stroke, heart disease,

diabetes, and cancer. Right now I'm ambivalent. I know if I hadn't had my RNY

(later revised to a DS) back in 2000, I probably would be close to 450 pounds by

now and suffering from hypertension and diabetes. So for that reason I'm happy I

had the surgery. However because of my diarrhea/gas/smell issues, I'm beginning

to have second thoughts which is truly sad.

& nbsp;

One of my coworkers is having & nbsp;a RNY & nbsp;soon and asked my opinion about

it. She doesn't know I had WLS, but knows I've lost a lot of weight. A part of

me wants to be happy for her, but I remember only too bitterly how many times

food got stuck in my pouch and I had to literally force myself to vomit to get

rid of the horrible feeling. Now I'm having issues with my DS and in my darkest

moments I can't help but regret my decision to have it. So I'm left feeling

ambivalent towards WLS and unable to condemn/recommend it.

& nbsp;

I know YMMV (your mileage may vary) and very very few WLS patients suffer as I

do. Hell I envy those who have complained of constipation on this site. I've

even taken large doses of Iron and Calcium to constipate myself and if I'm lucky

I firm up to Cool Whip consistency (most time I'm literally peeing out my butt).

Yet it's frustrating, sad, and depressing to think I have to live like this for

the rest of my life.

& nbsp;

What does Dr K say about my condition? Basically I need a revision of my DS to

lengthen my common channel from 50 cm to 100 cm. It would stop/slow down my

diarrhea and allow me & nbsp;to absorb nutrients better (I've had constant

problems with low iron/calcium/protein levels). However the drawback is that I'd

regain some of my weight unless I was extremely careful with my diet. Right now

gaining back weight would be the least of my concerns. Just having the ability

to live a normal life again would be worth it. Besides Dr K said he'd rather see

me at a healthy 230 pounds than the badly malnourished and too damn skinny 130

pounds I weighed nearly 18 months ago.

& nbsp;

So what's the problem? My insurance carrier/policy (Aetna POS) isn't the best in

the world and Dr K and DRMC are out of network providers. When Dr K proposed

having the revision surgery, my insurance didn't provide coverage for out of

network providers so I was basically (pardon the pun) shit of luck. However

effective January 2008, Aetna decided to change its policy and cover out of

network providers at 50%. Well isn't that good news? Yes, in a way, but that

still means I have to cover the other 50%. So if Dr K and DRMC charges $10K for

the revision surgery that means I have to cough up $5 out of my pocket. OUCH!!!

& nbsp;

More importantly, I simply don't have the sick leave/vacation time accrued to

take time off for the surgery. I had hernia repair surgery in November 2007 and

was supposed to be off work for 2 weeks. Unfortunately I suffered complications

and ended up being out 3 months. I exhausted my sick leave/vacation time and

savings. Even though I was awarded state disability during my time off, I was

hit badly financially. Since my revision would be major surgery, I'm estimating

I'd be off work for 4-6 weeks and I simply can't afford it moneywise especially

if I have complications.

& nbsp;

So where does that leave me? In a pickle. I'm estimating it would take well over

a & nbsp;year & nbsp;to save enough money and time off to afford the surgery. Can I

wait that long? Don't have much choice, but it's a depressing proposition.

& nbsp;

How about changing your diet or taking Flagyl/probiotics/Immodium? Been there,

done that....nothing works. My PCP has even prescribed Lomotil and other drugs

to slow down my bowels and my body isn't fazed by them. So each day I pray for a

good day and sometimes I'm lucky and sometimes I'm not :-( Today so far has been

a good day, but my tummy has been rumbling all day so I stayed at home to

avoid/prevent an " accident. " More and more these days I avoid leaving the house

not because of rising gas prices, but due to my " accidents. " Having WLS to lose

weight was suppose to help me rejoin and enjoy life. Having bathroom issues is

killing my life.

& nbsp;

I'm truly sorry that this is another downer post from me. I've tried to stay

positive, but sometimes you just have to vent or go crazy. For newbies reading

this post....very very few WLS patients have my problem and those that do can

control " accidents " with the use of a low fat/low sugar/high fiber diet, Flagyl,

probiotics or taking extra iron/calcium. The vast majority of you will enjoy a

wonderful weight loss experience with the DS and Dr K. There are still times

when I love having lost 200+ pounds. However when I have an " accident " I can't

help but regret my decision to have WLS. Hopefully once I have my revision, I

will be able to sing the praises of the DS but for now I simply can't :-(

& nbsp;

As for the rest of my life...I moved out from Mission Viejo in January 2008 and

now live with a friend in Ontario, CA near San Bernardino. I had to leave

because my former roommates were having problems with my smelly " accidents. " A

very kind and understanding friend offered me a place to stay (his sense of

smell is terrible) and I accepted it gratefully even & nbsp; though it meant

leaving Orange County (which I love and miss deeply). I also gave up on nursing

school since I had one too many " accidents " during my clinicals. Finally I was

let go from a job (I was still on probation) because of two particularly nasty

" accidents " I had at work. I managed to locate another job, but still worry my

bathroom issues will come back to haunt me.

& nbsp;

Right now I take each day one at a time. Currently I'm awaiting the results of

labwork that Dr K ordered for me last Friday. Lately I've been feeling really

lousy and Dr K suspects my chronic diarrhea may be causing me to malabsorb vital

nutrients. The last time I felt this way, Dr K threatened to put me in the

hospital to get infusions for iron, calcium and protein. Unfortunately I had

just lost my job so I didn't have health insurance to go to the hospital. I

ended up taking tons of iron/calcium supplements and protein shakes and managed

to nudge myself back from danger. Since everything is flying through my system

thanks to the & nbsp;diarrhea, I won't be able to pull that trick again.

& nbsp;

Time to end this post and crawl back into lurkdom. Thanks for listening and

allowing me to vent.

& nbsp;

Banks - Ontario, CA

RNY - 12/21/00 - Pacific Bariatrics/San Diego, CA

RNY to DS Revision - 9/23/03 - Ara Keshishian/Delano, CA

& nbsp;

Highest Weight: 420 - BMI 74

RNY Pre-Op: 405 - BMI 72

DS Revision: 285 - BMI 50

Current Weight: 210 - BMI 37

210 pounds of excess weight gone

& nbsp;

Lower Body Lift performed on 11/24/04 (My 40th birthday present to myself)

J Katzen MD - Beverly Hills, CA

& nbsp;

& nbsp;

& nbsp;

& nbsp;