Hopes & Dreams: A Critical Ingredient In The Lives Of Caregivers And Their Loved

[Guest guest]

Hopes & Dreams: A Critical Ingredient In The Lives Of Caregivers And

Their Loved Ones

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/healthnews.php?newsid=50510

It's human nature to hang onto two basic hopes - the hope of

overcoming illness and the hope of delaying death. However, in many

cases the reality is that your loved one faces a steady medical

decline, a life-threatening illness or impending death.

Hope is like the vase that contains your sweet-smelling colorful

dreams. Dreams, like flowers, change over the seasons of life and the

stages of caregiving. Yet, no matter how desperate the situation,

there is always room for hope and dreams. It is the magical salve for

the suffering of caregivers and their loved ones.

Hope is the optimistic belief that you can expect a better tomorrow

Sometimes that better tomorrow happens as a result of something that

changes in the outside world - such as a new drug or unexpected help.

Sometimes the better tomorrow arrives because you see things from a

new perspective. Hopes and dreams become the guiding light for the

tough choices that you and your loved ones face.

Here are 7 tips for hanging onto hope:

1. Give a voice to your secret longings, wishes and dreams

If you had a magic wand, what would you wish for? Maybe it's turning

back the sands of time and taking away the car keys from your father

instead of sitting at his hospital bedside where he is recovering

from the car accident he caused. Maybe it's imagining that you'll

turn on the news and learn of a new miracle cure for the cancer

that's taking over your mother's body or for the dementia that's

erasing your grandmother's memories. Hope might be something simple

like a good night's sleep for you and your loved one. Say it out

loud, " We could use a good night's sleep. "

2. Define the reality

In the course of taking care of tens of thousands of patients, I've

seen miracles happen. However, most people experience likely events.

Grasp an understanding of your current reality based on what's most

likely to happen naturally.

When you define the most likely outcome, it helps you decide where to

place your hopes. For example, a friend of mine who is a family

doctor told me of a conversation between him and a loving mother

whose 6-year-old child had a relapse of leukemia after a bone marrow

transplant. There was an experimental treatment offered halfway

across the country. The mother wanted to know where to take her

child: to a new hospital across the country for lots of " pokeys " as

her son called them, or Disneyland to enjoy the final days of his

life. Does she hope for a cure, or for the fullest remaining days of

her child's life?

3. Recognize your loved one's hopes may be different than your own

The mother of the 6-year-old made the medical choices for her son.

What if the person with the leukemia is your father, who is competent

to make his own medical choices? Maybe you cannot bear the thought of

losing him and hope that a new treatment will cure him. Maybe your

father shares that perspective. However, what if he considers

experimental treatment with certain discomfort and an uncertain

benefit and decides he would rather live out his days enjoying his

grandchildren?

You may find it difficult to support him. You do not want to burden

your loved onea with your disappointment that he has placed hope in a

different place than you would if you were in his shoes. That's when

you turn to a trusted friend and say, " I wish Dad would make a

different choice. I want him to fight. I'm sad and angry that he's

chosen death. "

4. Honor your loved one's hopes

As a caregiver, it's important to understand that your loved one is

the patient. It's his or her body and life. As much as you think you

know what the best choice is, your job is to help your loved ones

realize their hopes.

5. Mourn the loss of the old dream

Gretta said, " Mom had always hoped to live all of her days in her

home filled with the memories of Dad and small children and happy

holidays...and not so happy holidays. It just wasn't safe any more.

We moved her to a terrific retirement community that has everything

she wants, including a beautiful garden. Still, she's sad because

it's not what she had always imagined. "

You too could have a dream of a healthy and independent loved one

that's hard to let go of. The loss of a dream can be as painful as

the loss of a loved one. Mourning the loss of a dream brings healing.

6. Create a new dream

You can still have hopes and dreams! They're just different. Maybe

the hope for cure is replaced with the hope for days or hours or

moments free of pain. Maybe it's the dream that your fragmented

family will come together and heal old wounds around the deathbed.

State your dreams as attaining something you want rather than

avoiding something you don't want. As medical conditions change, it's

important that you and your loved one revisit the dream. If you're

disappointed about the course of events, ask, " Is this the loss of a

dream, or a hope I can fulfill? "

7. Focus on your loved one

Always remember, caregiving is first and foremost about supporting

the person you love. Yes, you as a caregiver have hopes and dreams.

Maybe the heart of caregiving is the willingness to fulfill the hopes

and dreams - the vase filled with brilliant blooms - of those for

whom you care - whether or not you hold the same vision.

Follow these tips, and you will be sure to hold onto your hopes and

dreams. Remember, no matter how desperate the situation, there is

still hope for the dream. The dream will change as the condition of

your loved one change. Just like there's always a flower to put in a

vase -- there's always hope.

By Vicki Rackner MD

Dr. Vicki is a board-certified surgeon who left the operating room to

help families take the most direct path from illness to optimal

health. Her book, The Personal Health Journal, will help you

understand and direct your loved ones health story. Empower yourself

with the tips and tools that will help you partner with their doctor

more effectively & save your loved ones life at:

drvicki.org/drvicki-store-health-journal.html

[Guest guest]

Gretchen,

What a wonderful thing to find in my e-mail box.

Thank you,

EdM from NH

On Fri, 25 Aug 2006 21:21:13 -0000 " gfijig " <fijiwigged@...> writes:

Hopes & Dreams: A Critical Ingredient In The Lives Of Caregivers And

Their Loved Ones

Recent Activity

5New Members

Visit Your Group