Re: What HE wants to do....

[Guest guest]

, How old is your son? My son is 15 and we still go through this. Not like when he was younger. When he was younger there were alot more tears,throwing things etc... Now he towers over me at 6'2 and just flat out says NO!! He knows that being physically agressive won't fly anymore. His teachers have asked me "How do I get him to do this or that?" I tell them "Good luck trying" The rewards are starting to pay off some. It depends on HIS interests. Right now he is really into guitars so he will work his tail off if it means getting a new guitar or something related. This kid is costing us a fortune but he is learning delayed gratification which was a huge problem when he was younger. He has to work towards something.

You mentioned he hates handwriting. My son is dysgraphic. We have it written into his IEP that he can use the computer to print out classwork. Your son doesn't like math. Our son can't do his multiplication but can do geometry and algebra. He uses a calculator for multiplication. I think you have to make some accommodations. definitely pick your battles or you'll go crazy. I do see an improvement with age.

-Son B 15,ASP Starting 10th grd in Sept

From: srt12780 <srt12780@...>Subject: What HE wants to do....Autism and Aspergers Treatment Date: Tuesday, December 21, 2010, 2:43 PM

Anybody EVER have any success in getting your son/ daughter to understand that SOMEtimes you have to do things that someone aka adult wants you to do vs. what HE/SHE wants to do? He tells me regularly, "But I don't want to." and it gets me so frustrated and the frustration is leading itself to anger at this point. I know I shouldn't be angry, but I'm human too. I know he's not going to do everything that I want, but when it's school related there are just some subjects he's not going to appreciate, but he has to engage in them anyway. We've tried rewards. I've even bought him gift certs to game stop, etc. If you finish A, B, or C....you can have a $2 gift card to Game Stop, 30 mins of computer time, watch a movie he wants to watch, go ride his bike, play the Wii, eat a fav. snack. It doesn't matter. He HATES handwriting. He HATES Math. He HATES phonics/spelling. If

he's not in the mood, he lets you know and you have to coax him to do it. He's getting to an age where talking back is his new norm. And I know when he's talking back he doesn't realize how it sounds to us. He's being brutally honest, no filter, very literal. "I don't like this. I hate this. I'm not doing it and Mrs. ______(blank) cannot make me!" Well, no we cannot make you, but....we can take stuff away. It doesn't seem to bother him ENOUGH (the stuff we take away) to get him to do what we are asking/begging/coaxing him to do.I am a Mom at her limit this week!!Thanks for listening!------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

We are also seeing improvement with age.  But, he did fail 2

subjects and almost a third because he decided he wouldn't do the

written work.  He is now trying to get it done as there is no

computer or games until it is done.  He is now on notice that next

year there is no computer or games if all work is not completed and

handed in by Friday.  We are having him evaluated again in Feb in

order to get accommodations for exams, including the use of a

computer.  We have also pointed out that the school does not have to

advance him to year 11 when he failed 2 subjects in year 10.  They

will, but he doesn't know that.  I am planning to see the deputy

principal and ask him to call Ben into his office on registration

day and ask him to explain why he should be allowed to start year

11.  We're trying to teach him that his actions have consequences. 

Better for him to learn that at school than in the work place.  He

was hoping to get a job over the summer (hard to do when your

grounded), and has realised that the comments on his report add up

to 'lazy and unreliable', and that isn't likely to get him a job. 

That means his new gaming computer is delayed a littel further.  We

hope we're getting through to him, but there are no guarantees.

Just on not getting angry - sometimes I think it is the right

response.  Actions have consequences, and sometimes they aren't what

anyone wants.  Usually I try to use encouragement on my son, because

he is usually pessimistic, but yesterday he was overdoing it, so I

told him he was 16 now, and old enough to decide if he would act

like a man or a spoilt little boy.  He was sulking when I left him,

but when I came back he was starting to work, and he did what he

needed to do.   He didn't want to do the work, but he didn't want to

be a little boy either.  Today he did some work on his own, and then

came and ask me to help him with his work that we were going to go

through together, so for now it is working.

On 22/12/2010 12:15 PM, jennifer wrote:

 

, How old is your son?  My son is 15

and we still go through this. Not like when he

was younger. When he was younger there were alot

more tears,throwing things etc... Now he towers

over me at 6'2 and just flat out says NO!!

He knows that being physically agressive won't

fly anymore. His teachers have asked me "How do

I get him to do this or that?" I tell them "Good

luck trying" The rewards are starting to pay off

some. It depends on HIS interests. Right now he

is really into guitars so he will work his tail

off if it means getting a new guitar or

something related. This kid is costing us a

fortune but he is learning delayed gratification

which was a huge problem when he was younger. He

has to work towards something.

You mentioned he hates handwriting. My son is

dysgraphic. We have it written into his IEP that

he can use the computer to print out classwork.

Your son doesn't like math. Our son can't do

his multiplication but can do geometry and

algebra. He uses a calculator

for multiplication. I think you have to make

some accommodations. definitely pick your

battles or you'll go crazy. I do see an

improvement with age.

-Son

B 15,ASP Starting 10th grd

in Sept

From: srt12780 <srt12780@...>

Subject: What HE wants to

do....

Autism and Aspergers Treatment

Date: Tuesday, December 21, 2010, 2:43 PM

Anybody EVER have any

success in getting your son/ daughter to

understand that SOMEtimes you have to do

things that someone aka adult wants you to do

vs. what HE/SHE wants to do?  He tells me

regularly, "But I don't want to." and it gets

me so frustrated and the frustration is

leading itself to anger at this point.  I know

I shouldn't be angry, but I'm human too.  I

know he's not going to do everything that I

want, but when it's school related there are

just some subjects he's not going to

appreciate, but he has to engage in them

anyway.  We've tried rewards.  I've even

bought him gift certs to game stop, etc.  If

you finish A, B, or C....you can have a $2

gift card to Game Stop, 30 mins of computer

time, watch a movie he wants to watch, go ride

his bike, play the Wii, eat a fav. snack.  It

doesn't matter.  He HATES handwriting.  He

HATES Math.  He HATES phonics/spelling.  If

he's not in the mood, he lets you know and you

have to coax him to do it.  He's getting to an

age where talking back is his new norm.  And I

know when he's talking back he doesn't realize

how it sounds to us.  He's being brutally

honest, no filter, very literal.  "I don't

like this.  I hate this.  I'm not doing it and

Mrs. ______(blank) cannot make me!"  Well, no

we cannot make you, but....we can take stuff

away.  It doesn't seem to bother him ENOUGH

(the stuff we take away) to get him to do what

we are asking/begging/coaxing him to do.

I am a Mom at her limit this week!!

Thanks for listening!

------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

@ -

is 8. He's in Catholic school, therefore no IEP. Not that the school district gave him one when he was in the school district b/c he wasn't academically challenged (at least in their minds). Tuckersrt12780@...

From: jennifer <jb91604@...>Autism and Aspergers Treatment Sent: Tue, December 21, 2010 8:15:36 PMSubject: Re: What HE wants to do....

, How old is your son? My son is 15 and we still go through this. Not like when he was younger. When he was younger there were alot more tears,throwing things etc... Now he towers over me at 6'2 and just flat out says NO!! He knows that being physically agressive won't fly anymore. His teachers have asked me "How do I get him to do this or that?" I tell them "Good luck trying" The rewards are starting to pay off some. It depends on HIS interests. Right now he is really into guitars so he will work his tail off if it means getting a new guitar or something related. This kid is costing us a fortune but he is learning delayed gratification which was a huge problem when he was younger. He has to work towards something.

You mentioned he hates handwriting. My son is dysgraphic. We have it written into his IEP that he can use the computer to print out classwork. Your son doesn't like math. Our son can't do his multiplication but can do geometry and algebra. He uses a calculator for multiplication. I think you have to make some accommodations. definitely pick your battles or you'll go crazy. I do see an improvement with age.

-Son B 15,ASP Starting 10th grd in Sept

From: srt12780 <srt12780@...>Subject: What HE wants to do....Autism and Aspergers Treatment Date: Tuesday, December 21, 2010, 2:43 PM

Anybody EVER have any success in getting your son/ daughter to understand that SOMEtimes you have to do things that someone aka adult wants you to do vs. what HE/SHE wants to do? He tells me regularly, "But I don't want to." and it gets me so frustrated and the frustration is leading itself to anger at this point. I know I shouldn't be angry, but I'm human too. I know he's not going to do everything that I want, but when it's school related there are just some subjects he's not going to appreciate, but he has to engage in them anyway. We've tried rewards. I've even bought him gift certs to game stop, etc. If you finish A, B, or C....you can have a $2 gift card to Game Stop, 30 mins of computer time, watch a movie he wants to watch, go ride his bike, play the Wii, eat a fav. snack. It doesn't matter. He HATES handwriting. He HATES Math. He HATES phonics/spelling. If

he's not in the mood, he lets you know and you have to coax him to do it. He's getting to an age where talking back is his new norm. And I know when he's talking back he doesn't realize how it sounds to us. He's being brutally honest, no filter, very literal. "I don't like this. I hate this. I'm not doing it and Mrs. ______(blank) cannot make me!" Well, no we cannot make you, but....we can take stuff away. It doesn't seem to bother him ENOUGH (the stuff we take away) to get him to do what we are asking/begging/coaxing him to do.I am a Mom at her limit this week!!Thanks for listening!------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

Has this child been evaluated for learning disorders? I wouldn't always go to

the public school district for an evaluation. Because your child attends a

private school, the public school may or may not evaluate anyway.

Your letter really raised red flags for me re undiagnosed learning disorders, in

areas of math, phonics/spelling, handwriting. Very bright people can and do

have LD, which are often overlooked because they are bright. People on the

autism spectrum can also have learning disorders which are not recognized

because they are on the spectrum.

LDs do not go away and there are many young adults in colleges now who are

struggling with undiagnosed LDs. LDs left undiagnosed and untreated can

snowball into emotional and psychological issues due to intense frustration,

rage, shame, secret belief that one is stupid, etc. etc. Otherwise bright people

make decisions to leave school, not try in difficult areas, are underemployed

due to unrecognized LDs. Fortunately, there are competent evaluators to help

identify these disorders.

I don't know where you live, but in US if a student's ability to

learn/communicate is affected by documented learning disorder, that student is

protected under the Americans with Disabilities Act (as child and as adult).

IDEA applies to public schools re disabilities and a free and appropriate public

education (FAPE); however simple compassion and competent teaching strategies

for a student in a private school with a documented learning disability (or

disabilities) are possible.

Here is site to help you re learning disorders:

http://www.ldonline.org/

You may go into information overload, so take your time. Meanwhile, I would not

get into a power struggle or punishment/shame mode with this child as this only

makes it worse. WHY he hates handwriting, spelling/phonics, and math is much

more important.

Priscilla in kansas

>

> Anybody EVER have any success in getting your son/ daughter to understand that

SOMEtimes you have to do things that someone aka adult wants you to do vs. what

HE/SHE wants to do? He tells me regularly, " But I don't want to. " and it gets

me so frustrated and the frustration is leading itself to anger at this point.

I know I shouldn't be angry, but I'm human too. I know he's not going to do

everything that I want, but when it's school related there are just some

subjects he's not going to appreciate, but he has to engage in them anyway.

We've tried rewards. I've even bought him gift certs to game stop, etc. If you

finish A, B, or C....you can have a $2 gift card to Game Stop, 30 mins of

computer time, watch a movie he wants to watch, go ride his bike, play the Wii,

eat a fav. snack. It doesn't matter. He HATES handwriting. He HATES Math. He

HATES phonics/spelling. If he's not in the mood, he lets you know and you have

to coax him to do it. He's getting to an age where talking back is his new

norm. And I know when he's talking back he doesn't realize how it sounds to us.

He's being brutally honest, no filter, very literal. " I don't like this. I

hate this. I'm not doing it and Mrs. ______(blank) cannot make me! " Well, no

we cannot make you, but....we can take stuff away. It doesn't seem to bother

him ENOUGH (the stuff we take away) to get him to do what we are

asking/begging/coaxing him to do.

>

> I am a Mom at her limit this week!!

>

> Thanks for listening!

>

>