Re: If you could change one thing...

March 20, 2006

In a message dated 3/20/2006 8:41:49 PM Eastern Standard Time, kbtoni@... writes:

If you could go back and change one thing in your past, what would it be?

Finding out that my father was planning to sell his property before he did it. The idiot went and sold some 3,000 acres as soon as my mother and he got divorced, she wouldn't let him sell it. He got less than the land was worth and he blew a lot of it, and his second wife made off with most of the rest.

Soon as I heard he had sold the land, I knew that I could have talked to the business handlers down there and arranged for them to buy it for me in such a way that my father would not have know it was me and to hold the land until I turned 18, I was 13 when all this happened. When I mentioned this to the head man down there about 4 years ago, he said they could indeed have done that for me.

So, had that come to be, I would have had sufficient resources to be earning at least $100,000 per year, not to mention the investments and other things that money coudl have allowed me to pursue.

March 21, 2006

Toni:

> If you could go back and change one thing in your past, what would it be?

That I didn't go for an education that would have gotten me the type of job

I would have been suited for (something in design) and that was reasonably

well-paid. I really wasted a very special talent where I could have had a

great career. When I realized that and went into business for myself, I was

already getting too sensitive to work.

Inger

March 21, 2006

Nothing. If I changed one thing, then everything that followed tha

tone thing would also be inextricably altered and some of what

followed various disastrous moments in my life was well worth the

disaster.

Raven

>

> If you could go back and change one thing in your past, what would

it

> be?

>

March 21, 2006

That's a very good point, actually.

Because I had the boring job that I had, I had this work-mate who took me to

a lecture about color analysis where I decided to become a color consultant,

and during which education I met someone who gave me the tip to attend a

specific workshop, where I met people who inspired me to take start studying

esoterics, whereby I met my closest friends etc, etc. The things I value

most in life, I might have missed if I had had that rewarding career

instead.

Hm, that makes me feel better about my life. Thanks!

Inger

Re: If you could change one thing...

Nothing. If I changed one thing, then everything that followed tha

tone thing would also be inextricably altered and some of what

followed various disastrous moments in my life was well worth the

disaster.

Raven

>

> If you could go back and change one thing in your past, what would

it

> be?

>

FAM Secret Society is a community based on respect, friendship, support and

acceptance. Everyone is valued.

Check the Links section for more FAM forums.

March 21, 2006

The future! All the way ...to the year 2000!

>

> If you could go back and change one thing in your past, what would it

> be?

>

March 21, 2006

--- Excellant points! I was going to say that I would have gone to

nursing school like I planned. BUT, if I had done that I wouldn't

have gone in the Air Force Reserves,then I wouldn't have met my

husband and I wouldn't have my kids. ToniIn

, VISIGOTH@... wrote:

>

> In a message dated 3/20/2006 11:10:21 PM Eastern Standard Time,

> inglori@... writes:

>

> That's a very good point, actually.

>

> Because I had the boring job that I had, I had this work-mate who

took me to

> a lecture about color analysis where I decided to become a color

consultant,

> and during which education I met someone who gave me the tip to

attend a

> specific workshop, where I met people who inspired me to take

start studying

> esoterics, whereby I met my closest friends etc, etc. The things

I value

> most in life, I might have missed if I had had that rewarding

career

> instead.

>

> Hm, that makes me feel better about my life. Thanks!

>

> Inger

>

> I have often thought about that too. My conclusion is that if you

did

> something different in your past, you would have a whole different

set of friends,

> experiences, etc. that you be afraid of losing if you changed

anything in

> THAT reality. So, since that other choice would have been made, we

would be

> wondering about this life just as much as we are now wondering

about the

> fictional one.

>

March 21, 2006

I would change my parents' decision NOT to inform themselves about the

very complicated and (in their household) impossible-to-follow

ceremonies, rituals, and other ritual and (in some cases) moral

requirements of the religion that they wanted to see me brought up in.

(They " belonged " to that religion themselves, by birth, but for

various reasons they had never had a chance to learn much more about

it than that the religion existed. They wanted me to know about the

stuff they didn't know about, of course, so they picked an elementary

school of that religion to send me to. The school punished me for

having parents who did not know about/believe/follow/permit the

ceremonies/rituals/other requirements. The school decided to make it

my job [at age 5 1/2) to inform my parents in detail and to cause them

and our entire housefold to follow the requirements fully. The

requirements sounded bizarre to my parents (remember, they didn't know

enough about " their " religion to know what they didn't know, or even

to know what " what they didn't know " would look like if they saw it)

so they assumed I'd made the whole thing up as some sort of crazy

elaborate lie, punished me for this " lying, " and packed me off to the

first of a LONG series of psychiatrists (because what else do you do

with a five-year-old who comes home from school every day telling

" crazy elaborate lies " [facts] about what she has learned, and

refusing under every punishment to call these facts " lies " as her

parents believe she must?) I tried and tried and tried to get my

parents and the school to talk to each other and come to some mutual

accommodation with each other and with me about the insoluble

situation they had put me in. The school refused to do this until I

had " done my part of the job " by getting my parents to behave

" properly " (which I never succeeded in doing) - the school said that I

must do this, and that I must accomplish this job without at any

moment ever displeasing or antagonizing my parents in any way because

that would break the moral requirement to homor parents - and, for

their part, my parents refused to talk with the school because they

figured that if I came home each day telling " crazy lying stories "

about what they had sent me to learn (that they did not know, and did

not know well enough to know that they didn't know it), then I had

problems of my own to work out before I could attempt to " run their

lives " by asking them to please meet with my teachers and/or the

school-principal to find out that I had told them true and that I

really did have an impossible situation here. When my report-cards

came home each term with grade-columns for religious subjects as well

as for the usual things like reading, arithmetic, etc., my parents

ridiculed me for having such a report-card because " nobody but a

religious fanatic would have a grade given to her for learning

prayers, the Bible, and rituals. You are supposed to be a person, not

a religious fanatic. Tell your teachers to stop giving you grades on

those silly subjects. " Sometimes, after my behavior of the format of

the report-card had annoyed my parents sufficiently, they would do

things like taking me to a restaurant and making me stand up in the

middle of the meal (on the tabletop at Mc's, or whatever) and

then they would make me sing religious songs, say prayers, do rituals

(as far as one could do these in a Mc's) and then they would

laugh, snicker, clap, and say sneering things to " applaud the

performance. " They also enjoyed making fun of the sounds and words of

the language (Hebrew) that the school required me to learn: they would

make me say things in Hebrew, sing Hebrew songs, etc., and then

snicker and sneer at those " silly stupid-sounding words. " After two

years, my parents took me out of the school, and sent me to another

private school (for gifted children). They decided to do this mainly

because they had learned from the principal and teachers that I had

gotten all A's on my report-card but the principal had decided that I

could not get the award given to students who got all A's because " it

wold be disgraceful and disrespectful to give this award to someone

with the wrong home background. It would look as if we were condoning

your decision not to supply the proper home background. " The princial

told my parents that, if they gave a lot of money to the school, he

would overlook my " background " and put me back on the teachers' list

of who should get the all-A-grades award. He explained that he had

done this for other parents in a similar situation: " even if their

children don't get as good grades as your daughter, if they show that

they support the school and its educational mission by making an

appropriately sized donatioon to the school, then we can work it out

so that they get the award. So certainly we can do this for your

daughter, too, if you'd like. It would show good intent on your part

even if you find it difficult to learn and practice our traditions

just at present. " Well, they didn't " like, " so they finally decided to

find a new school.

At age 7, soon after my parents had decided that I would change

schools (from the religious school to a school for gifted children -

which actually turned out worse in several ways than the first

school!), on the last day of school that year the principal called me

into his office, gave me a Bible, a prayer-book, some religious/ritual

equipment, and a religious calendar for that year indicating all the

dates for all the religious rituals. Then he something like (I don't

remember the exact words) " well, Miss Gladstone, we've tried very hard

with you to teach your faily the ways of our people, and now you're

going to have to try even harder all by yourself. You're on your own,

my dear, and if you have enough faith God will let you succeed. "

Plainly I haven't had enough faith.

Yours for better letters,

Kate Gladstone

Handwriting Repair and the World Handwriting Contest

handwritingrepair@...

http://learn.to/handwrite, http://www.global2000.net/handwritingrepair

325 South Manning Boulevard

Albany, New York 12208-1731 USA

telephone 518/482-6763

AND REMEMBER ...

you can order books through my site!

(Amazon.com link -

I get a 5% - 15% commission on each book sold)

March 21, 2006

" I would change my parents' decision NOT to inform themselves about

the very complicated and (in their household) impossible-to-follow

ceremonies, rituals, and other ritual and (in some cases) moral

requirements of the religion that they wanted to see me brought up

in. "

" Plainly I haven't had enough faith.

I did notice when you came in here that you seemed to try to send us

all on wild goose chases in efforts to get us to find fault

with/question our own faiths.

What exactly are you looking for?

Is it comrades who will share with you your frustration?

Is it sympathy for what you have gone through?

A simpler thing for you to do is to just accept the fact (as it

appears that you are doing now) that your parents were hypocrites,

and also emotionally abused you.

Your religion did not make them the way they were. Clearly it was in

their natures to be that way.

By being abusive hypocrites, they behaved like children and placed

YOU in the position of being the religious parent, and because they

were errant children (event while they were your adult parents),

they mocked you, teased you, and abused you.

Now that you are older, can you not dismiss all that happened in the

past and become your own spiritual parent?

If you wish to tell them how they made you feel but are afraid,

wouldn't it be better to tell them then to be weighed down by this

hate and bitterness for even more of your life?

God would not want you to suffer like this, and you do not dishonor

your parents by pointing out their transgressions. If showing them

how they behaved like children helps them grow up spiritually, then

you have honored them with a great gift.

Tom

Administrator

March 21, 2006

Nothing - everything that has happened to me good and bad has made me

who I am and brought me to where I am - now where am I? and who am I?

:-)

>

> If you could go back and change one thing in your past, what would it

> be?

>

March 21, 2006

Nothing - everything that has happened to me good and bad has made me

who I am and brought me to where I am - now where am I? and who am I?

:-)

>

> If you could go back and change one thing in your past, what would it

> be?

>

March 21, 2006

Re:

> What exactly are you looking for?

To remove the damage and its consequences.

>

> Is it comrades who will share with you your frustration?

> Is it sympathy for what you have gone through?

No - I consider those things nice, but not necessary.

> Now that you are older, can you not dismiss all that happened in the

> past and become your own spiritual parent?

No. I've tried to " dismiss it all " - I've tried very hard (as the

professionals agreed who worked with me - they made it very clear that

they did *not* consider me tto " be resisting therapy " or any of that.)

Whatever way I decide to live my life, whatever choices I make in the

area of my conflict, I continue to experience vast suffering (e.g.,

whether I decide to pray or not to - whether I decide to observe some

religious rite or not to observe it - wheter I decide to believe in

God or not to).

I've no idea what " becoming my own spiritual parent " could mean. This

string of words just doesn't convey anything to me, so I haven't an

idea of how to do that (and therefore I would value your explanation).

>

> If you wish to tell them how they made you feel but are afraid,

> wouldn't it be better to tell them then to be weighed down by this

> hate and bitterness for even more of your life?

I've told them. It took me over 35 years to get the message across (or

even just to get them to sit down and listen), but they eventually

did, very definitely, " get it " (although oly after many, many years of

their first sending me to people who agreed with them that " when she

talks about this stuff, it's just another sign she is not developing

properly. Treat her statements on this subject as you would treat any

other random impolite noise that she needs to learn how to stop

producing " or similar statements)

My parents did (eventually) " get it " and they do agree that they

(and people whom they had hired) had done wrong, very wrong, to

someone who in no way deserved that treatment or the damage it caused.

I continue to experience the damage, including a feeling that " every

choice I can make here is wrong " which they and I would do anything

possible to remove from me.

(My most recent psychiatrist - someone I picked myself, who has

specialized in folks who had family/spiritual histories/ " double binds "

similar to mine - speculated that the reason I couldn't respond to

therapy as others had done *could* have something to do with having

Asperger's. When he retired, I looked up another one that this one had

referred me to: this other man felt pretty sure that no help existed

or would exist for my particular " combination of stuff " as he put it -

" psychologists and clergy people know about Asperger's these days, and

certainly know about spiritual abuse, but I don't think anyone knows

about having both. I've seen people who had both, and they really

suffered as you do, but I haven't been able to help them and I don't

know anyone who has. " So I didn't make an appointment to see him - I

didn't want to waste my money on yet another

" oh-wow-you're-suffering-I-sympathize-so-sorry-I-can't-help-you "

experience, with or without pharmaceuticals.

Yours for better letters,

Kate Gladstone

Handwriting Repair and the World Handwriting Contest

handwritingrepair@...

http://learn.to/handwrite, http://www.global2000.net/handwritingrepair

325 South Manning Boulevard

Albany, New York 12208-1731 USA

telephone 518/482-6763

AND REMEMBER ...

you can order books through my site!

(Amazon.com link -

I get a 5% - 15% commission on each book sold)

March 21, 2006