Re: Family members who blame YOU

[Guest guest]

I'm feeling very guilty

> myself right now. Was it something I did?

>

> sad and confused,

> Michele

Michele,

I think deep in your heart you know that you haven't done anything to

contribute to this, don't let the comments of one uninformed

individual (even if he is your dad!) make you second-guess yourself.

Most of us on this list will say that take away the OCD, we have very

kind, loving, sweet children. How could that be if we were bad

parents? No, it's OCD that is causing problems, not us.

In my experience, most men have a hard time dealing with mental

illness, they see it as a weakness and it scares them, makes them feel

helpless, so they react with denial and/or anger. Of course, they

were usually brought up to think that way by their father, so it can

be an endless cycle.

My father has 3 children who are bi-polar, and one who had ADHD as a

child. He handled it all terribly, constantly yelling, and hitting

them to get them to " snap out of it " . Today he admits that he just

can't handle these things, although to his credit, he did tell me to

call on him when things get so bad for my daughter. I told him, " No

offense, Dad, but you are the LAST person I'd call for help, you know

how you deal with this stuff. " And he grudgingly admitted he wouldn't

be able to tolerate her behavior. But he is hurting for her (and it

sounds like the same with your dad) and wishes he COULD help in some way.

So, no doubting yourself, it takes an extra special mom to deal with

an OCD child. I do think in the end our kids will be much stronger

for all this, and will always have a unique bond with those of us who

stuck it out with them and helped them through it all.

You're doing great!

nna.

NY

[Guest guest]

I'm feeling very guilty

> myself right now. Was it something I did?

>

> sad and confused,

> Michele

Michele,

I think deep in your heart you know that you haven't done anything to

contribute to this, don't let the comments of one uninformed

individual (even if he is your dad!) make you second-guess yourself.

Most of us on this list will say that take away the OCD, we have very

kind, loving, sweet children. How could that be if we were bad

parents? No, it's OCD that is causing problems, not us.

In my experience, most men have a hard time dealing with mental

illness, they see it as a weakness and it scares them, makes them feel

helpless, so they react with denial and/or anger. Of course, they

were usually brought up to think that way by their father, so it can

be an endless cycle.

My father has 3 children who are bi-polar, and one who had ADHD as a

child. He handled it all terribly, constantly yelling, and hitting

them to get them to " snap out of it " . Today he admits that he just

can't handle these things, although to his credit, he did tell me to

call on him when things get so bad for my daughter. I told him, " No

offense, Dad, but you are the LAST person I'd call for help, you know

how you deal with this stuff. " And he grudgingly admitted he wouldn't

be able to tolerate her behavior. But he is hurting for her (and it

sounds like the same with your dad) and wishes he COULD help in some way.

So, no doubting yourself, it takes an extra special mom to deal with

an OCD child. I do think in the end our kids will be much stronger

for all this, and will always have a unique bond with those of us who

stuck it out with them and helped them through it all.

You're doing great!

nna.

NY

[Guest guest]

nna... I want to thank you for your comments. I love this

group, you all KNOW what I'm going through and have been through it

yourselves. This is new to us, although my daughter has had

obsessions/compulsions that we never really realized since the age of

2-3, with sorting behaviors and collecting, even then. She's 7 now

and in a way, I'm thankful that this huge incident happened now so

she didn't have to suffer until teenage years. I never would have

realized it, if it weren't for this awful teacher my daughter has now

and her fear of getting into trouble with the teacher. Thank you

again, you're all very compassionate people and your children are

lucky to have you all!

Michele---

>

>

>

> Michele,

>

> I think deep in your heart you know that you haven't done anything

to

> contribute to this, don't let the comments of one uninformed

> individual (even if he is your dad!) make you second-guess

yourself.

> Most of us on this list will say that take away the OCD, we have

very

> kind, loving, sweet children. How could that be if we were bad

> parents? No, it's OCD that is causing problems, not us.

>

> In my experience, most men have a hard time dealing with mental

> illness, they see it as a weakness and it scares them, makes them

feel

> helpless, so they react with denial and/or anger. Of course, they

> were usually brought up to think that way by their father, so it can

> be an endless cycle.

>

> My father has 3 children who are bi-polar, and one who had ADHD as a

> child. He handled it all terribly, constantly yelling, and hitting

> them to get them to " snap out of it " . Today he admits that he just

> can't handle these things, although to his credit, he did tell me to

> call on him when things get so bad for my daughter. I told him, " No

> offense, Dad, but you are the LAST person I'd call for help, you

know

> how you deal with this stuff. " And he grudgingly admitted he

wouldn't

> be able to tolerate her behavior. But he is hurting for her (and it

> sounds like the same with your dad) and wishes he COULD help in

some way.

>

> So, no doubting yourself, it takes an extra special mom to deal with

> an OCD child. I do think in the end our kids will be much stronger

> for all this, and will always have a unique bond with those of us

who

> stuck it out with them and helped them through it all.

>

> You're doing great!

>

> nna.

> NY

>

[Guest guest]

nna... I want to thank you for your comments. I love this

group, you all KNOW what I'm going through and have been through it

yourselves. This is new to us, although my daughter has had

obsessions/compulsions that we never really realized since the age of

2-3, with sorting behaviors and collecting, even then. She's 7 now

and in a way, I'm thankful that this huge incident happened now so

she didn't have to suffer until teenage years. I never would have

realized it, if it weren't for this awful teacher my daughter has now

and her fear of getting into trouble with the teacher. Thank you

again, you're all very compassionate people and your children are

lucky to have you all!

Michele---

>

>

>

> Michele,

>

> I think deep in your heart you know that you haven't done anything

to

> contribute to this, don't let the comments of one uninformed

> individual (even if he is your dad!) make you second-guess

yourself.

> Most of us on this list will say that take away the OCD, we have

very

> kind, loving, sweet children. How could that be if we were bad

> parents? No, it's OCD that is causing problems, not us.

>

> In my experience, most men have a hard time dealing with mental

> illness, they see it as a weakness and it scares them, makes them

feel

> helpless, so they react with denial and/or anger. Of course, they

> were usually brought up to think that way by their father, so it can

> be an endless cycle.

>

> My father has 3 children who are bi-polar, and one who had ADHD as a

> child. He handled it all terribly, constantly yelling, and hitting

> them to get them to " snap out of it " . Today he admits that he just

> can't handle these things, although to his credit, he did tell me to

> call on him when things get so bad for my daughter. I told him, " No

> offense, Dad, but you are the LAST person I'd call for help, you

know

> how you deal with this stuff. " And he grudgingly admitted he

wouldn't

> be able to tolerate her behavior. But he is hurting for her (and it

> sounds like the same with your dad) and wishes he COULD help in

some way.

>

> So, no doubting yourself, it takes an extra special mom to deal with

> an OCD child. I do think in the end our kids will be much stronger

> for all this, and will always have a unique bond with those of us

who

> stuck it out with them and helped them through it all.

>

> You're doing great!

>

> nna.

> NY

>

[Guest guest]

Wow reading your post - I know where you are coming from. I have not told my

father, well started to tell him stuff but he kept saying it was me that was

bringing him up wrong. And it was a load of crap me taking him to all these

docs. and that all he needs is more discipline etc.... so now I don't tell him

anything . I to went through a stage believing it was me being a bad parent -

(even though his twin is just about a near perfect daughter, don't get me wrong

my son is also great as well) but luckily had a good friend that listened to my

moans all day and kept explaining if I was such a bad parent then why is Steph

nothing like him etc.... and no it is nothing we did as parents.

Take care Jaxx (New Zealand)

[Guest guest]

Wow reading your post - I know where you are coming from. I have not told my

father, well started to tell him stuff but he kept saying it was me that was

bringing him up wrong. And it was a load of crap me taking him to all these

docs. and that all he needs is more discipline etc.... so now I don't tell him

anything . I to went through a stage believing it was me being a bad parent -

(even though his twin is just about a near perfect daughter, don't get me wrong

my son is also great as well) but luckily had a good friend that listened to my

moans all day and kept explaining if I was such a bad parent then why is Steph

nothing like him etc.... and no it is nothing we did as parents.

Take care Jaxx (New Zealand)

[Guest guest]

,

I did the same thing with my son in answering questions over and

over, loving, kissing, etc., before I knew what OCD was. We would

sit together for hours after school every day while he questioned and

cried and I answered (thinking I was helping) all the while my heart

was ripping out and I was wondering why my answers that seemed to get

through initially (for about 10 minutes or maybe even a day some

times) wouldn't stick. He had a horrible teacher also, and I let it

drag on too long before I took him out of his class (only one teacher

out of 7 he had in 6th grade). The teacher didn't cause the OCD, but

an OCDer just didn't need to have this jerk teacher. But, in the

end, you are doing the right thing when you cut the questioning off

and remind her that she already knows the answer (OCD just won't let

her have certainty about that answer). My son is doing very well

(right now) and he seems to function better when I don't give in to

all the questioning, but simply remind him that we have already been

there. So, don't feel guilty. You have the paitence of a saint, I'm

sure, but we all get frustrated when dealing with this monster called

OCD.

Generally, I don't even talk to other family members about my son's

OCD because they haven't educated themselves about what it is. I

told them briefly in the beginning and gave them the basics (he was i

therapy and on med and what kinds of things to not discuss around him

in the beginning), but for the most part no one has taken the time to

educate themselves, and since he is doing better, they think it is

gone or something. However, it is never gone, but it can be well-

managed at times. But, it takes time to get there. My husband has

OCD (and always has but had kept his compulsions well hidden and just

came off as kind of high strung to the outside observer) and just

last week started medication (he was having a big waxing period since

we have a child starting college this year). He doesn't want anyone

(not even his mom) to know.

It is hard not to feel guilty, but please don't stay there. The lack

of education about OCD is appalling. If you don't already have some

good books (the ones by Tamar Chanskey and Aureen Wagner are

wonderful), then get some and begin to read. I cried and cried and

cried as I felt my guilt begin to lift after reading these books

written by professionals in the field of childhood OCD. It was the

best therapy I could ever give myself.

It IS hard not to explain it to those in our family and hard not to

feel guilty when they don't know the whole story. But take it from

me, your daughter needs you too much to let yourself get tied up in

the guilt and trying to defend yourself against the OCD-uneducated

family members. My son tells me all the time now, " Mom, you are the

best mom God could have given me. I don't know what I would do

without you. " Getting him therapy, medication, reading all the stuff

I can get my hands on, and being a part of this group has helped me

be his guiding light. OCD is still there, and I still get frustrated

and scared at times, but I now know that not entertaining unending

OCD questions is the right approach - because no answer is ever good

enough to satify its voracious appetite. Let the guilt go - no

parent is perfect, and you won't be the first to be perfect either,

but it sounds like you are doing the right things, and that is the

best you can do.

Well... my daughter is seeing a therapist now for OCD and is 7. I

> wrote a post a week or so ago and explained some of her behaviors.

> She's fears that her germs will get on someone else through her

> fallen hair, accidental spit that may come from her mouth, skin

that

> may fall from her, ear wax... you name it. She has a fear of

getting

> in trouble at school from her teacher (who many parents have

> complained about this year... she has NO business teaching 2nd

> graders but that's another story) and has a meltdown every morning

on

> School days. Her obsessions/compulsions don't completely stop at

> home but they are significantly reduced! Anyway... my father came

by

> and I had been NOT telling him of what was going on because I know

> how he would react. Well... one day after a day of questioning

from

> my daughter... I lost my temper and told my daughter to stop it...

> relax and stop it that she knows the answers to her questions. I

> didn't yell or scream but I didn't engage in the questioning. My

> father could see that there was a problem and asked what was going

> on and I told him. Boy am I sorry I did. He came by yesterday and

> blew up at me. He said I was short tempered with her that day and

> that she really always wants to please me (which she does... she

does

> love me a lot and never wants to disappoint me) and that this is

my

> fault. I told my father (in a not-so-quiet voice) that we've been

> going through this for well over a month and he hasn't seen what's

> been happening. The times I DO answer over and over, hold her,

kiss

> her and let her talk and talk and ask and ask and I answer every

> question. He did finally, reluctantly apologize but now... I feel

so

> incredibly guilty. Which as parents my husband and I already feel

a

> degree of responsibility for my daughters situation, which I think

is

> a normal response. Now I feel just completely horrible as a

parent.

> Like I'm the most rotten mother that ever slithered the face of the

> earth. This is so hard and it makes me question ANY decision I've

> ever made as a parent. My daughter is such a good girl, very

sweet,

> kind, caring and intelligent. I feel like maybe I did SOMEthing

> right. I'm sorry, I just needed to vent. I'm feeling very guilty

> myself right now. Was it something I did?

>

>

> sad and confused,

> Michele

>

[Guest guest]

,

I did the same thing with my son in answering questions over and

over, loving, kissing, etc., before I knew what OCD was. We would

sit together for hours after school every day while he questioned and

cried and I answered (thinking I was helping) all the while my heart

was ripping out and I was wondering why my answers that seemed to get

through initially (for about 10 minutes or maybe even a day some

times) wouldn't stick. He had a horrible teacher also, and I let it

drag on too long before I took him out of his class (only one teacher

out of 7 he had in 6th grade). The teacher didn't cause the OCD, but

an OCDer just didn't need to have this jerk teacher. But, in the

end, you are doing the right thing when you cut the questioning off

and remind her that she already knows the answer (OCD just won't let

her have certainty about that answer). My son is doing very well

(right now) and he seems to function better when I don't give in to

all the questioning, but simply remind him that we have already been

there. So, don't feel guilty. You have the paitence of a saint, I'm

sure, but we all get frustrated when dealing with this monster called

OCD.

Generally, I don't even talk to other family members about my son's

OCD because they haven't educated themselves about what it is. I

told them briefly in the beginning and gave them the basics (he was i

therapy and on med and what kinds of things to not discuss around him

in the beginning), but for the most part no one has taken the time to

educate themselves, and since he is doing better, they think it is

gone or something. However, it is never gone, but it can be well-

managed at times. But, it takes time to get there. My husband has

OCD (and always has but had kept his compulsions well hidden and just

came off as kind of high strung to the outside observer) and just

last week started medication (he was having a big waxing period since

we have a child starting college this year). He doesn't want anyone

(not even his mom) to know.

It is hard not to feel guilty, but please don't stay there. The lack

of education about OCD is appalling. If you don't already have some

good books (the ones by Tamar Chanskey and Aureen Wagner are

wonderful), then get some and begin to read. I cried and cried and

cried as I felt my guilt begin to lift after reading these books

written by professionals in the field of childhood OCD. It was the

best therapy I could ever give myself.

It IS hard not to explain it to those in our family and hard not to

feel guilty when they don't know the whole story. But take it from

me, your daughter needs you too much to let yourself get tied up in

the guilt and trying to defend yourself against the OCD-uneducated

family members. My son tells me all the time now, " Mom, you are the

best mom God could have given me. I don't know what I would do

without you. " Getting him therapy, medication, reading all the stuff

I can get my hands on, and being a part of this group has helped me

be his guiding light. OCD is still there, and I still get frustrated

and scared at times, but I now know that not entertaining unending

OCD questions is the right approach - because no answer is ever good

enough to satify its voracious appetite. Let the guilt go - no

parent is perfect, and you won't be the first to be perfect either,

but it sounds like you are doing the right things, and that is the

best you can do.

Well... my daughter is seeing a therapist now for OCD and is 7. I

> wrote a post a week or so ago and explained some of her behaviors.

> She's fears that her germs will get on someone else through her

> fallen hair, accidental spit that may come from her mouth, skin

that

> may fall from her, ear wax... you name it. She has a fear of

getting

> in trouble at school from her teacher (who many parents have

> complained about this year... she has NO business teaching 2nd

> graders but that's another story) and has a meltdown every morning

on

> School days. Her obsessions/compulsions don't completely stop at

> home but they are significantly reduced! Anyway... my father came

by

> and I had been NOT telling him of what was going on because I know

> how he would react. Well... one day after a day of questioning

from

> my daughter... I lost my temper and told my daughter to stop it...

> relax and stop it that she knows the answers to her questions. I

> didn't yell or scream but I didn't engage in the questioning. My

> father could see that there was a problem and asked what was going

> on and I told him. Boy am I sorry I did. He came by yesterday and

> blew up at me. He said I was short tempered with her that day and

> that she really always wants to please me (which she does... she

does

> love me a lot and never wants to disappoint me) and that this is

my

> fault. I told my father (in a not-so-quiet voice) that we've been

> going through this for well over a month and he hasn't seen what's

> been happening. The times I DO answer over and over, hold her,

kiss

> her and let her talk and talk and ask and ask and I answer every

> question. He did finally, reluctantly apologize but now... I feel

so

> incredibly guilty. Which as parents my husband and I already feel

a

> degree of responsibility for my daughters situation, which I think

is

> a normal response. Now I feel just completely horrible as a

parent.

> Like I'm the most rotten mother that ever slithered the face of the

> earth. This is so hard and it makes me question ANY decision I've

> ever made as a parent. My daughter is such a good girl, very

sweet,

> kind, caring and intelligent. I feel like maybe I did SOMEthing

> right. I'm sorry, I just needed to vent. I'm feeling very guilty

> myself right now. Was it something I did?

>

>

> sad and confused,

> Michele

>

[Guest guest]

When I said " the lack of education about OCD is appalling, " I meant

the public in general - not yours. Hope that was not misunderstood.

When I looked back at what I posted, I was afraid it might have not

made sense.

>

> ,

>

> I did the same thing with my son in answering questions over and

> over, loving, kissing, etc., before I knew what OCD was. We would

> sit together for hours after school every day while he questioned

and

> cried and I answered (thinking I was helping) all the while my

heart

> was ripping out and I was wondering why my answers that seemed to

get

> through initially (for about 10 minutes or maybe even a day some

> times) wouldn't stick. He had a horrible teacher also, and I let

it

> drag on too long before I took him out of his class (only one

teacher

> out of 7 he had in 6th grade). The teacher didn't cause the OCD,

but

> an OCDer just didn't need to have this jerk teacher. But, in the

> end, you are doing the right thing when you cut the questioning off

> and remind her that she already knows the answer (OCD just won't

let

> her have certainty about that answer). My son is doing very well

> (right now) and he seems to function better when I don't give in to

> all the questioning, but simply remind him that we have already

been

> there. So, don't feel guilty. You have the paitence of a saint,

I'm

> sure, but we all get frustrated when dealing with this monster

called

> OCD.

>

> Generally, I don't even talk to other family members about my son's

> OCD because they haven't educated themselves about what it is. I

> told them briefly in the beginning and gave them the basics (he was

i

> therapy and on med and what kinds of things to not discuss around

him

> in the beginning), but for the most part no one has taken the time

to

> educate themselves, and since he is doing better, they think it is

> gone or something. However, it is never gone, but it can be well-

> managed at times. But, it takes time to get there. My husband has

> OCD (and always has but had kept his compulsions well hidden and

just

> came off as kind of high strung to the outside observer) and just

> last week started medication (he was having a big waxing period

since

> we have a child starting college this year). He doesn't want

anyone

> (not even his mom) to know.

>

> It is hard not to feel guilty, but please don't stay there. The

lack

> of education about OCD is appalling. If you don't already have

some

> good books (the ones by Tamar Chanskey and Aureen Wagner are

> wonderful), then get some and begin to read. I cried and cried and

> cried as I felt my guilt begin to lift after reading these books

> written by professionals in the field of childhood OCD. It was the

> best therapy I could ever give myself.

>

> It IS hard not to explain it to those in our family and hard not to

> feel guilty when they don't know the whole story. But take it from

> me, your daughter needs you too much to let yourself get tied up in

> the guilt and trying to defend yourself against the OCD-uneducated

> family members. My son tells me all the time now, " Mom, you are

the

> best mom God could have given me. I don't know what I would do

> without you. " Getting him therapy, medication, reading all the

stuff

> I can get my hands on, and being a part of this group has helped me

> be his guiding light. OCD is still there, and I still get

frustrated

> and scared at times, but I now know that not entertaining unending

> OCD questions is the right approach - because no answer is ever

good

> enough to satify its voracious appetite. Let the guilt go - no

> parent is perfect, and you won't be the first to be perfect either,

> but it sounds like you are doing the right things, and that is the

> best you can do.

>

>

>

> Well... my daughter is seeing a therapist now for OCD and is 7. I

> > wrote a post a week or so ago and explained some of her

behaviors.

> > She's fears that her germs will get on someone else through her

> > fallen hair, accidental spit that may come from her mouth, skin

> that

> > may fall from her, ear wax... you name it. She has a fear of

> getting

> > in trouble at school from her teacher (who many parents have

> > complained about this year... she has NO business teaching 2nd

> > graders but that's another story) and has a meltdown every

morning

> on

> > School days. Her obsessions/compulsions don't completely stop at

> > home but they are significantly reduced! Anyway... my father

came

> by

> > and I had been NOT telling him of what was going on because I

know

> > how he would react. Well... one day after a day of questioning

> from

> > my daughter... I lost my temper and told my daughter to stop

it...

> > relax and stop it that she knows the answers to her questions. I

> > didn't yell or scream but I didn't engage in the questioning. My

> > father could see that there was a problem and asked what was

going

> > on and I told him. Boy am I sorry I did. He came by yesterday

and

> > blew up at me. He said I was short tempered with her that day

and

> > that she really always wants to please me (which she does... she

> does

> > love me a lot and never wants to disappoint me) and that this is

> my

> > fault. I told my father (in a not-so-quiet voice) that we've

been

> > going through this for well over a month and he hasn't seen

what's

> > been happening. The times I DO answer over and over, hold her,

> kiss

> > her and let her talk and talk and ask and ask and I answer every

> > question. He did finally, reluctantly apologize but now... I

feel

> so

> > incredibly guilty. Which as parents my husband and I already

feel

> a

> > degree of responsibility for my daughters situation, which I

think

> is

> > a normal response. Now I feel just completely horrible as a

> parent.

> > Like I'm the most rotten mother that ever slithered the face of

the

> > earth. This is so hard and it makes me question ANY decision

I've

> > ever made as a parent. My daughter is such a good girl, very

> sweet,

> > kind, caring and intelligent. I feel like maybe I did SOMEthing

> > right. I'm sorry, I just needed to vent. I'm feeling very

guilty

> > myself right now. Was it something I did?

> >

> >

> > sad and confused,

> > Michele

> >

>

[Guest guest]

When I said " the lack of education about OCD is appalling, " I meant

the public in general - not yours. Hope that was not misunderstood.

When I looked back at what I posted, I was afraid it might have not

made sense.

>

> ,

>

> I did the same thing with my son in answering questions over and

> over, loving, kissing, etc., before I knew what OCD was. We would

> sit together for hours after school every day while he questioned

and

> cried and I answered (thinking I was helping) all the while my

heart

> was ripping out and I was wondering why my answers that seemed to

get

> through initially (for about 10 minutes or maybe even a day some

> times) wouldn't stick. He had a horrible teacher also, and I let

it

> drag on too long before I took him out of his class (only one

teacher

> out of 7 he had in 6th grade). The teacher didn't cause the OCD,

but

> an OCDer just didn't need to have this jerk teacher. But, in the

> end, you are doing the right thing when you cut the questioning off

> and remind her that she already knows the answer (OCD just won't

let

> her have certainty about that answer). My son is doing very well

> (right now) and he seems to function better when I don't give in to

> all the questioning, but simply remind him that we have already

been

> there. So, don't feel guilty. You have the paitence of a saint,

I'm

> sure, but we all get frustrated when dealing with this monster

called

> OCD.

>

> Generally, I don't even talk to other family members about my son's

> OCD because they haven't educated themselves about what it is. I

> told them briefly in the beginning and gave them the basics (he was

i

> therapy and on med and what kinds of things to not discuss around

him

> in the beginning), but for the most part no one has taken the time

to

> educate themselves, and since he is doing better, they think it is

> gone or something. However, it is never gone, but it can be well-

> managed at times. But, it takes time to get there. My husband has

> OCD (and always has but had kept his compulsions well hidden and

just

> came off as kind of high strung to the outside observer) and just

> last week started medication (he was having a big waxing period

since

> we have a child starting college this year). He doesn't want

anyone

> (not even his mom) to know.

>

> It is hard not to feel guilty, but please don't stay there. The

lack

> of education about OCD is appalling. If you don't already have

some

> good books (the ones by Tamar Chanskey and Aureen Wagner are

> wonderful), then get some and begin to read. I cried and cried and

> cried as I felt my guilt begin to lift after reading these books

> written by professionals in the field of childhood OCD. It was the

> best therapy I could ever give myself.

>

> It IS hard not to explain it to those in our family and hard not to

> feel guilty when they don't know the whole story. But take it from

> me, your daughter needs you too much to let yourself get tied up in

> the guilt and trying to defend yourself against the OCD-uneducated

> family members. My son tells me all the time now, " Mom, you are

the

> best mom God could have given me. I don't know what I would do

> without you. " Getting him therapy, medication, reading all the

stuff

> I can get my hands on, and being a part of this group has helped me

> be his guiding light. OCD is still there, and I still get

frustrated

> and scared at times, but I now know that not entertaining unending

> OCD questions is the right approach - because no answer is ever

good

> enough to satify its voracious appetite. Let the guilt go - no

> parent is perfect, and you won't be the first to be perfect either,

> but it sounds like you are doing the right things, and that is the

> best you can do.

>

>

>

> Well... my daughter is seeing a therapist now for OCD and is 7. I

> > wrote a post a week or so ago and explained some of her

behaviors.

> > She's fears that her germs will get on someone else through her

> > fallen hair, accidental spit that may come from her mouth, skin

> that

> > may fall from her, ear wax... you name it. She has a fear of

> getting

> > in trouble at school from her teacher (who many parents have

> > complained about this year... she has NO business teaching 2nd

> > graders but that's another story) and has a meltdown every

morning

> on

> > School days. Her obsessions/compulsions don't completely stop at

> > home but they are significantly reduced! Anyway... my father

came

> by

> > and I had been NOT telling him of what was going on because I

know

> > how he would react. Well... one day after a day of questioning

> from

> > my daughter... I lost my temper and told my daughter to stop

it...

> > relax and stop it that she knows the answers to her questions. I

> > didn't yell or scream but I didn't engage in the questioning. My

> > father could see that there was a problem and asked what was

going

> > on and I told him. Boy am I sorry I did. He came by yesterday

and

> > blew up at me. He said I was short tempered with her that day

and

> > that she really always wants to please me (which she does... she

> does

> > love me a lot and never wants to disappoint me) and that this is

> my

> > fault. I told my father (in a not-so-quiet voice) that we've

been

> > going through this for well over a month and he hasn't seen

what's

> > been happening. The times I DO answer over and over, hold her,

> kiss

> > her and let her talk and talk and ask and ask and I answer every

> > question. He did finally, reluctantly apologize but now... I

feel

> so

> > incredibly guilty. Which as parents my husband and I already

feel

> a

> > degree of responsibility for my daughters situation, which I

think

> is

> > a normal response. Now I feel just completely horrible as a

> parent.

> > Like I'm the most rotten mother that ever slithered the face of

the

> > earth. This is so hard and it makes me question ANY decision

I've

> > ever made as a parent. My daughter is such a good girl, very

> sweet,

> > kind, caring and intelligent. I feel like maybe I did SOMEthing

> > right. I'm sorry, I just needed to vent. I'm feeling very

guilty

> > myself right now. Was it something I did?

> >

> >

> > sad and confused,

> > Michele

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Michele,

You didn't do anything wrong. You are doing the best you can! Ocd is a

neurological brain disorder. You could never cause this to happen to your dd. If

she had cancer, you would not have caused it.

My dad is very similar. He always makes comments like, " She'll outgrow it " , or

he'll minimize her behaviors.Once he told me it was because her dad and I got

divorced. Remember, that back than, you didn't go to the doctors for anxiety and

what not. I know I had panic disorder since I was about 3, and never got

diagnosed till 19 because my parents just thought it was " normal " . I tried so

hard to hide any problems and they weren't looking for any disorders either.

They never heard of any.

Hang in there!

(((Hugs)))

Judy

[Guest guest]

Michele,

You didn't do anything wrong. You are doing the best you can! Ocd is a

neurological brain disorder. You could never cause this to happen to your dd. If

she had cancer, you would not have caused it.

My dad is very similar. He always makes comments like, " She'll outgrow it " , or

he'll minimize her behaviors.Once he told me it was because her dad and I got

divorced. Remember, that back than, you didn't go to the doctors for anxiety and

what not. I know I had panic disorder since I was about 3, and never got

diagnosed till 19 because my parents just thought it was " normal " . I tried so

hard to hide any problems and they weren't looking for any disorders either.

They never heard of any.

Hang in there!

(((Hugs)))

Judy

[Guest guest]

--- , you were completey understood. =) Thank you for your

comments!!In , " mctodd444 "

<mctodd444@...> wrote:

>

> When I said " the lack of education about OCD is appalling, " I meant

> the public in general - not yours. Hope that was not

misunderstood.

> When I looked back at what I posted, I was afraid it might have not

> made sense.

>

>

>

> >

> > ,

> >

> > I did the same thing with my son in answering questions over and

> > over, loving, kissing, etc., before I knew what OCD was. We

would

> > sit together for hours after school every day while he questioned

> and

> > cried and I answered (thinking I was helping) all the while my

> heart

> > was ripping out and I was wondering why my answers that seemed to

> get

> > through initially (for about 10 minutes or maybe even a day some

> > times) wouldn't stick. He had a horrible teacher also, and I let

> it

> > drag on too long before I took him out of his class (only one

> teacher

> > out of 7 he had in 6th grade). The teacher didn't cause the OCD,

> but

> > an OCDer just didn't need to have this jerk teacher. But, in the

> > end, you are doing the right thing when you cut the questioning

off

> > and remind her that she already knows the answer (OCD just won't

> let

> > her have certainty about that answer). My son is doing very well

> > (right now) and he seems to function better when I don't give in

to

> > all the questioning, but simply remind him that we have already

> been

> > there. So, don't feel guilty. You have the paitence of a saint,

> I'm

> > sure, but we all get frustrated when dealing with this monster

> called

> > OCD.

> >

> > Generally, I don't even talk to other family members about my

son's

> > OCD because they haven't educated themselves about what it is.

I

> > told them briefly in the beginning and gave them the basics (he

was

> i

> > therapy and on med and what kinds of things to not discuss around

> him

> > in the beginning), but for the most part no one has taken the

time

> to

> > educate themselves, and since he is doing better, they think it

is

> > gone or something. However, it is never gone, but it can be well-

> > managed at times. But, it takes time to get there. My husband

has

> > OCD (and always has but had kept his compulsions well hidden and

> just

> > came off as kind of high strung to the outside observer) and just

> > last week started medication (he was having a big waxing period

> since

> > we have a child starting college this year). He doesn't want

> anyone

> > (not even his mom) to know.

> >

> > It is hard not to feel guilty, but please don't stay there. The

> lack

> > of education about OCD is appalling. If you don't already have

> some

> > good books (the ones by Tamar Chanskey and Aureen Wagner are

> > wonderful), then get some and begin to read. I cried and cried

and

> > cried as I felt my guilt begin to lift after reading these books

> > written by professionals in the field of childhood OCD. It was

the

> > best therapy I could ever give myself.

> >

> > It IS hard not to explain it to those in our family and hard not

to

> > feel guilty when they don't know the whole story. But take it

from

> > me, your daughter needs you too much to let yourself get tied up

in

> > the guilt and trying to defend yourself against the OCD-

uneducated

> > family members. My son tells me all the time now, " Mom, you are

> the

> > best mom God could have given me. I don't know what I would do

> > without you. " Getting him therapy, medication, reading all the

> stuff

> > I can get my hands on, and being a part of this group has helped

me

> > be his guiding light. OCD is still there, and I still get

> frustrated

> > and scared at times, but I now know that not entertaining

unending

> > OCD questions is the right approach - because no answer is ever

> good

> > enough to satify its voracious appetite. Let the guilt go - no

> > parent is perfect, and you won't be the first to be perfect

either,

> > but it sounds like you are doing the right things, and that is

the

> > best you can do.

> >

> >

> >

> > Well... my daughter is seeing a therapist now for OCD and is 7.

I

> > > wrote a post a week or so ago and explained some of her

> behaviors.

> > > She's fears that her germs will get on someone else through her

> > > fallen hair, accidental spit that may come from her mouth, skin

> > that

> > > may fall from her, ear wax... you name it. She has a fear of

> > getting

> > > in trouble at school from her teacher (who many parents have

> > > complained about this year... she has NO business teaching 2nd

> > > graders but that's another story) and has a meltdown every

> morning

> > on

> > > School days. Her obsessions/compulsions don't completely stop

at

> > > home but they are significantly reduced! Anyway... my father

> came

> > by

> > > and I had been NOT telling him of what was going on because I

> know

> > > how he would react. Well... one day after a day of questioning

> > from

> > > my daughter... I lost my temper and told my daughter to stop

> it...

> > > relax and stop it that she knows the answers to her questions.

I

> > > didn't yell or scream but I didn't engage in the questioning.

My

> > > father could see that there was a problem and asked what was

> going

> > > on and I told him. Boy am I sorry I did. He came by yesterday

> and

> > > blew up at me. He said I was short tempered with her that day

> and

> > > that she really always wants to please me (which she does...

she

> > does

> > > love me a lot and never wants to disappoint me) and that this

is

> > my

> > > fault. I told my father (in a not-so-quiet voice) that we've

> been

> > > going through this for well over a month and he hasn't seen

> what's

> > > been happening. The times I DO answer over and over, hold her,

> > kiss

> > > her and let her talk and talk and ask and ask and I answer

every

> > > question. He did finally, reluctantly apologize but now... I

> feel

> > so

> > > incredibly guilty. Which as parents my husband and I already

> feel

> > a

> > > degree of responsibility for my daughters situation, which I

> think

> > is

> > > a normal response. Now I feel just completely horrible as a

> > parent.

> > > Like I'm the most rotten mother that ever slithered the face of

> the

> > > earth. This is so hard and it makes me question ANY decision

> I've

> > > ever made as a parent. My daughter is such a good girl, very

> > sweet,

> > > kind, caring and intelligent. I feel like maybe I did

SOMEthing

> > > right. I'm sorry, I just needed to vent. I'm feeling very

> guilty

> > > myself right now. Was it something I did?

> > >

> > >

> > > sad and confused,

> > > Michele

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Michele. You are going through a very hard time right now and I am very

sorry. I have OCD, as do both of my girls, my father, and various other

family members. Everyone knows about the OCD and I get various reactions from

different family members. My mom tries to understand but doesn't always get it.

While on a recent visit to their house, both of my girls (ages fifteen and

twelve) had meltdowns at the same time. put a container of deodorant on

Hannah's bed in the room they were sharing and everything on Hannah's bed was

then contaminated and Hannah was furious at . , not knowing about

this issue of Hannah's, was perplexed and also became very upset. I finally put

Hannah in my room and slept with . I went back and forth between their

rooms, offering words of wisdom and comfort. My parents were at a loss as to

what to do. At one point, I escaped to the kitchen where my mom commented that

she didn't know why the girls did this. I just responded that it was because

they have a mental illness and left it at that. My dad had nothing to say.

I think it is hard for my mom to deal with because my dad is so awful with his

OCD--which has always been untreated--and because I suffered a lot as a kid

because of it. My mom has a lot of guilt about it. My dad, who is furiously

protected of both of my kids, defends them to the end but at the same time,

seems to realize that he passed it on to me and then me to them. It's messy.

At

any rate, I am very matter of fact with both parents but try not to use words

like " sedative " or " antipsychotic " when I am around them. I did tell my mom

about a recent episode we had with my older daughter. Hannah was out of

control and I seriously considered taking her to the ER to be given some sort of

shot. I wanted my mom to know about it because I want her to know that the kids

aren't playing me. Both parents want to be supportive of me and I can see

that they are both hurt to see me and the kids struggle. It was my mom who

realized I had OCD. It was after my oldest daughter (the second one diagnosed)

was

diagnosed. My mom said, " Kelley, that's what you have! Can't you see that? "

and I was amazed to find out she was right. My folks were also there helping

when my youngest was diagnosed. was seven and I had spent about four

weeks dealing with her screaming and kicking and acting horribly. My parents

were in town for Christmas and I told them I needed to get out of the house.

When I got home, my mom was standing at the sink with , handing her paper

towels as washed her hands over and over again. They had apparently

been doing it for hours. Anyway, this is too long but I had to get it out!

Hang

in there. Kelley in NV

[Guest guest]

(((hugs))) Michele, you didn't make your daughter have OCD!

I have 3 sons. Oldest is 21 and the twins are 17 (not identical).

, a twin, has OCD. I can describe the way you

described your daughter: " good girl, very sweet, kind, caring and

intelligent " - well, except for the " girl " part, LOL!

So, I raised all 3, am definitely far from perfect, have a quick

temper but it doesn't linger, get emotional sometimes as to being

easy to tears myself when parenting has overwhelmed me (single mom),

etc., etc. And - only 1 son has OCD! If it was " parenting " then I'm

sure the other 2 would have to have it. Oh, we all, me included

there, have our " OCD tendencies " as I call them. I doublecheck some

things ( " did I turn the iron off?? " ), one twin goes through phases

of " neatness " , my older son used to not want anyone else to read

*his* books as they might bend a page or something or want anyone to

sit on his bed but him....little things. just seems to have

got the full force of it and it sure has lingered and had ups &

downs.

Your dad doesn't believe in actual mental illnesses or disorders

(whatever), like depression or anxiety or ADD or.... If he still

doesn't understand, what with your mom/his wife, then he may never.

But grandkids are special, who knows? he may turn around yet! So

that's sad but don't let it change what YOU know, and how you help

and support your daughter - which you are doing by realizing she has

OCD and you joined this GREAT support group!

Things WILL get easier, you're learning about OCD, about

therapy/treatment, you'll learn how to respond when OCD is ruling and

what will work best for your daughter's situation, and over time

things will improve; ups and downs along the way, and any parent can

get worn down and short-tempered/low patience when living with this

disorder. Just learn to say " I'm sorry " as I have many times. And

remember it's the OCD we're sooo mad at and hate, not our kids. They

hate it more than we do! (I had to repeat that to myself too many

times - it's the OCD, not !)

And just remember that we parents also get credit for all the good

things about our children, surely more good things than bad! <wink>

I've told others (including ex-husband and I think grandma) that,

that I'll take the blame for all the bad things, but I also get

the " blame " for all the good things!

>

> For the most part... my family is VERY supportive of what my

daughter

> is going through. My father I'm having trouble with. My father

has

> always believed that mental dysfunctions are something that can

> be 'shrugged off' or don't 'really exist'. I saw what he was like

> with my mother who also suffers from depression and anxiety and is

> medicated for it. While they were married, my mom would cry...

want

> to talk to my Dad at odd hours of the night and my Father had NO

>

[Guest guest]

(((hugs))) Michele, you didn't make your daughter have OCD!

I have 3 sons. Oldest is 21 and the twins are 17 (not identical).

, a twin, has OCD. I can describe the way you

described your daughter: " good girl, very sweet, kind, caring and

intelligent " - well, except for the " girl " part, LOL!

So, I raised all 3, am definitely far from perfect, have a quick

temper but it doesn't linger, get emotional sometimes as to being

easy to tears myself when parenting has overwhelmed me (single mom),

etc., etc. And - only 1 son has OCD! If it was " parenting " then I'm

sure the other 2 would have to have it. Oh, we all, me included

there, have our " OCD tendencies " as I call them. I doublecheck some

things ( " did I turn the iron off?? " ), one twin goes through phases

of " neatness " , my older son used to not want anyone else to read

*his* books as they might bend a page or something or want anyone to

sit on his bed but him....little things. just seems to have

got the full force of it and it sure has lingered and had ups &

downs.

Your dad doesn't believe in actual mental illnesses or disorders

(whatever), like depression or anxiety or ADD or.... If he still

doesn't understand, what with your mom/his wife, then he may never.

But grandkids are special, who knows? he may turn around yet! So

that's sad but don't let it change what YOU know, and how you help

and support your daughter - which you are doing by realizing she has

OCD and you joined this GREAT support group!

Things WILL get easier, you're learning about OCD, about

therapy/treatment, you'll learn how to respond when OCD is ruling and

what will work best for your daughter's situation, and over time

things will improve; ups and downs along the way, and any parent can

get worn down and short-tempered/low patience when living with this

disorder. Just learn to say " I'm sorry " as I have many times. And

remember it's the OCD we're sooo mad at and hate, not our kids. They

hate it more than we do! (I had to repeat that to myself too many

times - it's the OCD, not !)

And just remember that we parents also get credit for all the good

things about our children, surely more good things than bad! <wink>

I've told others (including ex-husband and I think grandma) that,

that I'll take the blame for all the bad things, but I also get

the " blame " for all the good things!

>

> For the most part... my family is VERY supportive of what my

daughter

> is going through. My father I'm having trouble with. My father

has

> always believed that mental dysfunctions are something that can

> be 'shrugged off' or don't 'really exist'. I saw what he was like

> with my mother who also suffers from depression and anxiety and is

> medicated for it. While they were married, my mom would cry...

want

> to talk to my Dad at odd hours of the night and my Father had NO

>