To Pamela: Ask Dr. Wagner

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From: Aureen Wagner <awagner5@...>

Date: Aug 6, 2005 12:42 PM

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Wagner

Louis Harkins <louisharkins@...>

Hello Pamela,

Teenagers are not easily convinced by their parents that they need to

improve their behaviors! J The key thing I suggest with teenagers is trying

to ally with them because they get very defensive when they perceive that

they are being asked to change. So defensive that they insist that their

behaviors are " right " even when they may know deep down that it's not so.

Two ways to disarm your teenager are to help her (gently and without

confrontation or blaming) see how are behaviors are impacting HER, ie, what

she is missing out on, and all the things she could be doing or enjoying if

she didn't hoard or wasn't spending all her time being perfectionistic.

Children and adolescents are more willing to change when they see what's in

it for them. The second is to acknowledge that ALL of you need help, not

just her, so she doesn't become defensive about being the problem member of

the family. So if all of you need help learning how to get along better and

overcome the present conflicts, and all of you are going to put in the

effort to make changes, she might soften up. Ask her if she enjoys the

current conflicts, or if she would like to get along better. Focus on your

family relationships rather than her behaviors per se. Tell her you're

willing to go see a therapist to work on things because you think it's so

important to get back on track. Invite her to come along, but say that if

she's not ready, you'll be going anyway, because you need to work on things.

(That way, she is not controlling the household, you are taking charge of

the situation). Of course, you'd much rather have her come and give her

input, because who knows, the therapist might suggest changes that she might

not like, unless she's there to give her perspective. And then she'll have

to live by the changes you make. So it's her choice, but if she chooses not

to work on things, you are choosing to work on what's affecting you. When

teenagers feel coerced, they dig in their heels. When they feel they have

the choice, they are often more rational. And they need to see that you are

going to follow through.

So you will not be getting her into treatment without her consent, you are

giving her the choice to participate with you or live with the changes you

will be making.

Hope that's helpful.

Best wishes,

Aureen Wagner

From: *Pamela Bronson* <glencoe104@...>

Date: Aug 3, 2005 7:52 PM

Subject: Ask Dr. Wagner

Do you have any suggestions for helping a 15-year-old

girl with OCD symptoms admit that they are a problem

so that she will be willing to see a psychiatrist

about them and consider drugs and cognitive therapy?

She is a hoarder who wants to store everything in the

open and wants to keep and preserve everything. This

is hard on my housekeeping and leads to conflict,

though I try to be somewhat accomodating, perhaps too

much so. She is also a perfectionist, which has made

her very, very slow in doing schoolwork, gardening,

crafts, cooking, and straightening up, with the result

that she doesn't have time to do many things she

enjoys and has not completed her school work during

the school year the last two years. She's very

irritable and rather rude, especially to me (her

mother) and her younger sister, somewhat less so to

her father and big brother. After homeschooling her

all her life, we have decided to send her this fall to

a small school that will provide her with firmer

deadlines than I've been able to enforce.

I am planning to take her to a psychiatrist to change

her ADHD meds to something less likely to

trigger/exascerbate OCD, but would really like her to

consider OCD treatment. She likes to think that the

perfectionism and hoarding are precious parts of her

personality to be preserved, rather than problems to

be overcome.

Would trying to get her into treatment without her

consent be counterproductive? Did I mention that

she's extremely stubborn AND extremely emotional? She

gets debilitating headaches, too, and other days

complains that her brain doesn't work and she can't

think right.