Guest guest Report post Posted April 21, 2003 LOL! I like this one! Thank you!.....Hugs.....Dana > Here's a joke for ya Marie and everyone. > A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a > psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self- esteem > and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. > He finished the book by the time he reached his house. > The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a > finger in her face, he said, " From now on, I want you to know that - I - > am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a > gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a > sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me > my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's > going to dress me and comb my hair? " > " The funeral director, " his wife replied. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted July 23, 2003 lol Joke A traveler is walking down a quiet road when he notices a sign scratched on a tree: " Sisters of St. Brigit Convent, House of Prostitution, 2 miles. " The traveler assumes it's a joke, & continues along. Soon he comes to another sign: " Sisters of St. Brigit Convent, House of Prostitution, 1 mile. " Now his curiosity is piqued. A ways ahead, there is a 3rd sign. This time: " Convent, Brothel, next right. " 'Why not?' the traveler thinks, & turns down the road until he arrives at an old stone church marked ST. BRIGIT. He steps up & rings the bell, & an abbess answers. 'What may we do for you, my son?' 'I saw your signs along the road,' the traveler says. 'Very well, my son,' the abbess replies. 'Please follow me.' She leads him through a series of dark, winding passages where he sees many beautiful young nuns who smile at him. At last the abbess stops at a door. The traveler goes in & is greeted by another comely fun, who instructs him, 'Place a gold coin in the cup.' He empties his pockets excitedly. 'Good enough,' she says, 'Now, just go through that door.' Aroused, the traveler hurries through the door, but finds himself back outside, at the entrance, facing another sign. " Go in peace, " it reads, " & consider yourself properly screwed! " Does it ever feel like that after a visit to the orthopedist? lol. Just kidding, sonia Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted July 31, 2003 Thanks. This was very good! LOLROTF On Thursday, July 31, 2003, at 10:26 AM, Dave & Gail wrote: > > Subject: How to tell the sex of a fly > > > > Forgive me, but I just couldn't resist sending this on! It is > funny!!!! > > > > > HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY > --------------------------------------------- <image.tiff> > > A woman walked into the kitchen to find her > husband stalking around with a fly swatter. > > " What are you doing? " she asked. > > " Hunting Flies, " he responded. > > " Oh. Killing any? " she asked. > > " Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, " he replied. > <image.tiff> > Intrigued, she asked. " How can you tell? " > > He responded, " 3 were on a beer can, > 2 were on the phone. " > <image.tiff> > > And you probably thought > this would be dirty. > > SHAME ON YOU!!! > > > > > > > <mime-attachment><mime-attachment><mime-attachment> > From: " Anne Wilkins " <annaray@...> > Date: Fri Jul 4, 2003 9:49:02 AM US/Pacific > " JOE/THELMA SIAGLO " <JTSIAGLO@...>, " Joanne Podwika " > <NOYCEJO@...>, " FRANK & JEAN KELSEY " <PACEVISION34@...>, > " DOROTHY/GEORGE HIGGINS " <GOLFFL@...>, " BILL/CLARE DOYLE " > <DOYLEAND@...>, " Devaney " <PHD7231@...>, " SUSAN > DEMOULAS " <SUZEDEMO@...>, " MARY COCO " <MARYCOKE2@...>, > " DICK-JUNE CARNER " <RJCARNER@...>, " MARIE /JOE CAMPABASSO " > <MJVENICE@...>, " Baia " <JVBAB@...> > Subject: Fw: How to tell the sex of a fly > > > > > > > > > HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY > --------------------------------------------- <image.tiff> > > A woman walked into the kitchen to find her > husband stalking around with a fly swatter. > > " What are you doing? " she asked. > > " Hunting Flies, " he responded. > > " Oh. Killing any? " she asked. > > " Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, " he replied. > <image.tiff> > Intrigued, she asked. " How can you tell? " > > He responded, " 3 were on a beer can, > 2 were on the phone. " > <image.tiff> > > And you probably thought > this would be dirty. > > SHAME ON YOU!!! > > > > > > > > > > > <mime-attachment><mime-attachment><mime-attachment> > From: DUKNSU@... > Date: Thu Jun 19, 2003 3:04:11 PM US/Pacific > CHERRIEPA@..., djromea@..., P111441@..., > DDena25095@..., moose373@..., BRIANCPM@..., > rags1937@..., BETTYB502@..., roithomas@... > Subject: How to tell the sex of a fly > > > In my never ending desire to entertain, read this one...Duke > > > HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY > --------------------------------------------- <image.tiff> > > A woman walked into the kitchen to find her > husband stalking around with a fly swatter. > > " What are you doing? " she asked. > > " Hunting Flies, " he responded. > > " Oh. Killing any? " she asked. > > " Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, " he replied. > <image.tiff> > Intrigued, she asked. " How can you tell? " > > He responded, " 3 were on a beer can, > 2 were on the phone. " > <image.tiff> > > And you probably thought > this would be dirty. > > SHAME ON YOU!!! > > > > > > <howtotel.jpg><howtotel.jpg><howtotel.jpg> > > > Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted February 25, 2004 Thanks Eddie, Laughing out loud is so helpful. -----Original Message-----From: Tubs46@... [mailto:Tubs46@...]Sent: Wednesday, February 25, 2004 7:50 PMangel7020@...; blueeyed_gal_99@...; Debbie.K.Sweeney@...; Dorene.Medlin@...; GAHepCSupport ; cathie@...; HCLADAK@...; HCVFriends ; Hepatitis C ; ; Hepatitis C ; Hepatitis CSupportGroupForDummies ; HepperPad ; bobbyhinman@...; dhinman@...; lmedlin@...; MackeyHT@...; Mamajean@...; smaxwell@...; randy@...; shayla_rae_00@...; SMamaJean@...; Snugalmee@...; jamsamnz@...Subject: [ ] Joke The other morning I took a pair of underwear out of the drawer."What the hell?" I said to myself as a little "dust" cloud appearedwhen I shook them out."Babe," I hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'." The most thoroughly wasted of all days is that which one has not laughed!Eddie Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 29, 2004 Loved this...sounds like my Monday. Jen > TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN > > I'm writing you to let you know that I have recently > been diagnosed with a very serious condition and > there's no hope I will ever recover. The scientific > world is frantically searching for a cure. This is > an ailment many of us suffer from and may not as yet > have been diagnosed, however now you may be able to > discuss it with your loved ones and try to explain > what really happened to you all those times you > tried so hard to accomplish something and didn't. I call > it the " But First Syndrome. " > > You know, it's when I decide to do the laundry. I > start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the > table. Okay, I'm going to do the laundry.... > BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. > > After that, I notice the mail on the table. Okay, > I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack.... > BUT FIRST I'll look through that pile of mail and > see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes, now > where's the checkbook? > > Oops....there's the empty glass from yesterday on > the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook.... > BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. > > I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice > my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass > in the sink, and darn it, there's the remote for the > TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? > I'll just put it away.... > BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. > > Head for door and.... Aaaagh! Stepped on the cat. > Cat needs to be fed. > Okay, I'll put that remote away and water the > plants.... > BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.... > > AT the end of day: Laundry is not done, newspapers > are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, > bills are unpaid, checkbook is still missing, and > the cat ate the remote control.... AND, when I try > to figure out how come nothing got done all day, I'm > baffled, because I KNOW I was BUSY ALL DAY!! > > I realize this condition is serious....and I should get help! > BUT FIRST....I think I'll check my Email!! > > For every person with a spark of Genius, there are a hundred with ignition > trouble. > > Eddie Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted January 18, 2005 THAT WAS FUNNY!!! GOOD END OF THE DAY JOKE! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted January 18, 2005 Good one Nina, Ha Ha funny..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 17, 2005 Thanks, I can really relate to this LOL Hugs June ----- Original Message ----- From: pathinze I just received a joke I thought all on this list could appreciate: My body just ain't what it used to be~ Even when I'm naked I still wanna slip into something more comfortable! Happy Sunday. Hugs, Pat Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 17, 2005 Thanks, I can really relate to this LOL Hugs June ----- Original Message ----- From: pathinze I just received a joke I thought all on this list could appreciate: My body just ain't what it used to be~ Even when I'm naked I still wanna slip into something more comfortable! Happy Sunday. Hugs, Pat Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted August 22, 2005 Note: forwarded message attached. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 20, 2006 That is soooo funny. I enjoyed that Tamara Tornado <tamaratornado@...> wrote: Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number? Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order. Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir. Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610. Operator: Thank you Mr. . I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745- 2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is smith@... Which number are you calling from? Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information? Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir. Customer: The HSS, what is that? Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time. Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All Meat Special pizzas. Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir. Customer: Whaddya mean? Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice . Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then? Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza.I'm sure you'll like it. Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that? Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion. Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99. Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number. Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit. Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here. Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also. Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take? Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward. Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter? Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday. Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^ & $%^$@# Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society? Customer: (speechless) Operator: Will there be anything else, sir? Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke. Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution our country started using in 2006 prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut! __________________________________________________ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted May 7, 2006 Nice Joke. B.M.Mehrotra Joke > small joke here > > > 7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from PUNE to > Mumbai.So both groups gather at Pune Station. > > Both groups are desperately trying to prove their > superiority. > > > SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI): > -------------------------------------- > ------------------------------------------------- - > 7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7 > tickets.. Doctors are desperately waiting for TC to > come...... When TC arrives, All 7 Engineers get in one > toilet so when TC knocks, one hand come out with the > ticket and the TC goes > > Away.... > > NOW on return Journey All of them don't get a direct > Train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger > till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a LOCAL > to PUNE > > > > SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA): > ---------------------------------- > ------------------------------------------- > ----------- > Doctors decided, " this time we will prove that we too > are equal " ....All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket Engineers > don't buy any ticket at all!!!!!.. > > TC arrives.... > > ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET.ALL ENGINEERS IN THE > OPPOSITE. > > One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors > toilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the > ticket and comes in Engg. Bathroom... TC DRIVES out > ALL the doctors from the toilet and they are heavily > fined. > > > SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA): > ----------------------------------------- > SO now both the group r on LONAVALA station. Doctors > planning their move for last chance, they board the > loc al to Pune. > > This time doctors decide that they will play the same > (1 ticket) trick. > > ALL Doctors take 1 tickets...Engineers BUY all 7 > tickets this time... > SO TC Comes.. All Engineers showed their tickets > ................... .... > > Doctors are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL > train........... > > > > Conclusion: Technically intelligent people are > geniuses, don't mess with Engineers. > > > > > __________________________________________________ > Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted October 2, 2006 this just popped into my head a perfumery joke you scratch my back I'll scratch yours you sniff my butt I'll sniff yours ha ha OMG!!! Scratch-n-sniff! , you are tooooo funny! At first I said, " Eeew! " but then it kicked in and I'm laughing hard! Andrine Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted October 2, 2006 > > > OMG!!! Scratch-n-sniff! , you are tooooo funny! At first I > said, " Eeew! " but then it kicked in and I'm laughing hard! > > Andrine > I am glad Andrine was not meant to be gross. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted January 25, 2007 ROFL.... good one maryanne!anne <kanga2@...> wrote: A man was riding in a cab one day when he decided to tap the cab driver on the shoulder to request an alternate route.The cab driver screams his head off and loses control of the cab, causing it to slam into a lightpost.After checking themselves out the man says, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were so jumpy."To which the cab driver replies, "It's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver after driving a hearse for 10 years." Jackie Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted November 26, 2007 Oh, Lynda, this is so sweet and funny. Her MAMA will get her, and she probably will not get her bike..... loved the one about the woman driver. He goes mad when he sees people on cell phones while driving. Love you............Lea ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`````` joke Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Herbirthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her motherwhat she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble atschool and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to geta bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behaviorover the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved abike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and satdown to write God a letter.LETTER 1:Dear God:I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for mybirthday. I want a red one.Your friend,CarolCarol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, soshe tore up the letter and started over.LETTER 2:Dear God:This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.Thank you,CarolCarol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.LETTER 3:Dear God:I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be agood girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.Thank you,CarolCarol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. Bynow, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad."Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She lookedaround to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin ,slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into herhouse, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letterto God.LETTER 4:I GOT YOUR MAMA.IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.Signed,YOU KNOW WHO Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted November 16, 2008 OH GOSH....I am so glad! But it really WAS funny!!! Debby [ ] Just HAD to share this with you all............ ; - ) I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: " Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore. " __________________________________________________________ Click here to find the satellite television package that meets your needs. http://thirdpartyoffers.netzero.net/TGL2241/fc/PnY6rx9HtqZnwpPonjIaDKpfeQnmcdzEj\ 99j3REZvCbhl1ZlQNkgJ/ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted November 16, 2008 This is NOT a joke.....a woman that worked with my brother complained that her computer email was very, very slow. She asked: Do you think it's because my apartment is on the third floor and it takes longer for the email to get up there? I love it ! Patsy in AZ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted November 16, 2008 Dear Patsy, Thank You soooooo much for sharing! We all need to laugh, and it made my blonde daughter feel so much smarter. LOL , Sincerely, Kathy From: Murray <patsy56er@...> Subject: [ ] Re:Joke Date: Sunday, November 16, 2008, 9:46 AM This is NOT a joke.....a woman that worked with my brother complained that her computer email was very, very slow. She asked: Do you think it's because my apartment is on the third floor and it takes longer for the email to get up there? I love it ! Patsy in AZ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted November 16, 2008 I really needed a good laugh. These are too funny. My mom asks questions about her computer like this all the time. lol Thanks for making my day. the WV hillbilly LOVE IS IN ALL THINGS AND IN ALL THINGS IS LOVE ________________________________ From: KATHY TURNER <ktbaycity1@...> Sent: Sunday, November 16, 2008 11:20:09 AM Subject: Re: [ ] Re:Joke Dear Patsy, Thank You soooooo much for sharing! We all need to laugh, and it made my blonde daughter feel so much smarter. LOL , Sincerely, Kathy From: Murray <patsy56ercox (DOT) net> Subject: [LiverSupport- L] Re:Joke LiverSupport- Lgroups (DOT) com Date: Sunday, November 16, 2008, 9:46 AM This is NOT a joke.....a woman that worked with my brother complained that her computer email was very, very slow. She asked: Do you think it's because my apartment is on the third floor and it takes longer for the email to get up there? I love it ! Patsy in AZ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted November 16, 2008 OH MY GOSH! Sort of like the explainations to insurance agents that says " that tree just jumped in front of my car " Debby [ ] Re:Joke This is NOT a joke.....a woman that worked with my brother complained that her computer email was very, very slow. She asked: Do you think it's because my apartment is on the third floor and it takes longer for the email to get up there? I love it ! Patsy in AZ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted December 14, 2008 Dear Sue, That was really funny, I chuckled for several minutes. Certainly not a generic description of anyone I would be running across. Are you sure you didn't leaving something out? xoxox Lottie Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
