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LOL! I like this one! Thank you!.....Hugs.....Dana

> Here's a joke for ya Marie and everyone.

> A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a

> psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-

esteem

> and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way

home.

> He finished the book by the time he reached his house.

> The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a

> finger in her face, he said, " From now on, I want you to know that -

I -

> am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare

me a

> gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I

expect a

> sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to

draw me

> my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess

who's

> going to dress me and comb my hair? "

> " The funeral director, " his wife replied.

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  • 3 months later...
Guest guest

lol

Joke

A traveler is walking down a quiet road

when he notices a sign scratched on a tree:

" Sisters of St. Brigit Convent,

House of Prostitution, 2 miles. "

The traveler assumes it's a joke, & continues

along. Soon he comes to another sign:

" Sisters of St. Brigit Convent,

House of Prostitution, 1 mile. "

Now his curiosity is piqued.

A ways ahead, there is a 3rd sign. This time:

" Convent, Brothel, next right. "

'Why not?' the traveler thinks, & turns down

the road until he arrives at an old stone

church marked ST. BRIGIT.

He steps up & rings the bell,

& an abbess answers. 'What may we do for you, my son?'

'I saw your signs along the road,' the traveler says.

'Very well, my son,' the abbess replies.

'Please follow me.'

She leads him through a series of dark, winding

passages where he sees many beautiful young nuns

who smile at him.

At last the abbess stops at a door. The traveler

goes in & is greeted by another comely fun, who

instructs him, 'Place a gold coin in the cup.'

He empties his pockets excitedly. 'Good enough,'

she says, 'Now, just go through that door.'

Aroused, the traveler hurries through the door,

but finds himself back outside, at the entrance,

facing another sign.

" Go in peace, " it reads, " & consider yourself properly screwed! "

Does it ever feel like that after a visit to the orthopedist? lol.

Just kidding, sonia

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest guest

Thanks. This was very good! LOLROTF

On Thursday, July 31, 2003, at 10:26 AM, Dave & Gail wrote:

>  

> Subject: How to tell the sex of a fly

>

>

>

> Forgive me, but I just couldn't resist sending this on!  It is

> funny!!!!

>

>

>

>

> HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

> ---------------------------------------------

<image.tiff>

>

> A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

> husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

>

> " What are you doing? " she asked.

>

> " Hunting Flies, " he responded.

>

> " Oh. Killing any? " she asked.

>

> " Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, " he replied.

>

<image.tiff>

> Intrigued, she asked. " How can you tell? "

>

> He responded, " 3 were on a beer can,

> 2 were on the phone. "

>

<image.tiff>

>

> And you probably thought

> this would be dirty.

>

> SHAME ON YOU!!!

>

>

>

>

>

>

> <mime-attachment><mime-attachment><mime-attachment>

> From: " Anne Wilkins " <annaray@...>

> Date: Fri Jul 4, 2003 9:49:02 AM US/Pacific

> " JOE/THELMA SIAGLO " <JTSIAGLO@...>, " Joanne Podwika "

> <NOYCEJO@...>, " FRANK & JEAN KELSEY " <PACEVISION34@...>,

> " DOROTHY/GEORGE HIGGINS " <GOLFFL@...>, " BILL/CLARE DOYLE "

> <DOYLEAND@...>, " Devaney " <PHD7231@...>, " SUSAN

> DEMOULAS " <SUZEDEMO@...>, " MARY COCO " <MARYCOKE2@...>,

> " DICK-JUNE CARNER " <RJCARNER@...>, " MARIE /JOE CAMPABASSO "

> <MJVENICE@...>, " Baia " <JVBAB@...>

> Subject: Fw: How to tell the sex of a fly

>

>

>  

>

>

>

>

>

> HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

> ---------------------------------------------

<image.tiff>

>

> A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

> husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

>

> " What are you doing? " she asked.

>

> " Hunting Flies, " he responded.

>

> " Oh. Killing any? " she asked.

>

> " Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, " he replied.

>

<image.tiff>

> Intrigued, she asked. " How can you tell? "

>

> He responded, " 3 were on a beer can,

> 2 were on the phone. "

>

<image.tiff>

>

> And you probably thought

> this would be dirty.

>

> SHAME ON YOU!!!

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> <mime-attachment><mime-attachment><mime-attachment>

> From: DUKNSU@...

> Date: Thu Jun 19, 2003 3:04:11 PM US/Pacific

> CHERRIEPA@..., djromea@..., P111441@...,

> DDena25095@..., moose373@..., BRIANCPM@...,

> rags1937@..., BETTYB502@..., roithomas@...

> Subject: How to tell the sex of a fly

>

>

> In my never ending desire to entertain, read this one...Duke

>

>

> HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

> ---------------------------------------------

<image.tiff>

>

> A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

> husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

>

> " What are you doing? " she asked.

>

> " Hunting Flies, " he responded.

>

> " Oh. Killing any? " she asked.

>

> " Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, " he replied.

>

<image.tiff>

> Intrigued, she asked. " How can you tell? "

>

> He responded, " 3 were on a beer can,

> 2 were on the phone. "

>

<image.tiff>

>

> And you probably thought

> this would be dirty.

>

> SHAME ON YOU!!!

>

>

>

>

>

> <howtotel.jpg><howtotel.jpg><howtotel.jpg>

>

>

>

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  • 6 months later...

Thanks Eddie, Laughing out loud is so helpful. :)

-----Original Message-----From: Tubs46@... [mailto:Tubs46@...]Sent: Wednesday, February 25, 2004 7:50 PMangel7020@...; blueeyed_gal_99@...; Debbie.K.Sweeney@...; Dorene.Medlin@...; GAHepCSupport ; cathie@...; HCLADAK@...; HCVFriends ; Hepatitis C ; ; Hepatitis C ; Hepatitis CSupportGroupForDummies ; HepperPad ; bobbyhinman@...; dhinman@...; lmedlin@...; MackeyHT@...; Mamajean@...; smaxwell@...; randy@...; shayla_rae_00@...; SMamaJean@...; Snugalmee@...; jamsamnz@...Subject: [ ] Joke

The other morning I took a pair of underwear out of the drawer."What the hell?" I said to myself as a little "dust" cloud appearedwhen I shook them out."Babe," I hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

The most thoroughly wasted of all days is that which one has not laughed!Eddie

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  • 1 month later...
Guest guest

Loved this...sounds like my Monday.

Jen

> TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

>

> I'm writing you to let you know that I have recently

> been diagnosed with a very serious condition and

> there's no hope I will ever recover. The scientific

> world is frantically searching for a cure. This is

> an ailment many of us suffer from and may not as yet

> have been diagnosed, however now you may be able to

> discuss it with your loved ones and try to explain

> what really happened to you all those times you

> tried so hard to accomplish something and didn't. I call

> it the " But First Syndrome. "

>

> You know, it's when I decide to do the laundry. I

> start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the

> table. Okay, I'm going to do the laundry....

> BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper.

>

> After that, I notice the mail on the table. Okay,

> I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack....

> BUT FIRST I'll look through that pile of mail and

> see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes, now

> where's the checkbook?

>

> Oops....there's the empty glass from yesterday on

> the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook....

> BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink.

>

> I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice

> my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass

> in the sink, and darn it, there's the remote for the

> TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here?

> I'll just put it away....

> BUT FIRST I need to water those plants.

>

> Head for door and.... Aaaagh! Stepped on the cat.

> Cat needs to be fed.

> Okay, I'll put that remote away and water the

> plants....

> BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat....

>

> AT the end of day: Laundry is not done, newspapers

> are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink,

> bills are unpaid, checkbook is still missing, and

> the cat ate the remote control.... AND, when I try

> to figure out how come nothing got done all day, I'm

> baffled, because I KNOW I was BUSY ALL DAY!!

>

> I realize this condition is serious....and I should get help!

> BUT FIRST....I think I'll check my Email!!

>

> For every person with a spark of Genius, there are a hundred with

ignition

> trouble.

>

> Eddie

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  • 9 months later...
  • 2 months later...
Guest guest

Thanks, I can really relate to this LOL

Hugs

June

----- Original Message -----

From: pathinze

I just received a joke I thought all on this list could appreciate:

My body just ain't what it used to be~

Even when I'm naked I still wanna slip

into something more comfortable!

Happy Sunday.

Hugs,

Pat

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Guest guest

Thanks, I can really relate to this LOL

Hugs

June

----- Original Message -----

From: pathinze

I just received a joke I thought all on this list could appreciate:

My body just ain't what it used to be~

Even when I'm naked I still wanna slip

into something more comfortable!

Happy Sunday.

Hugs,

Pat

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  • 4 months later...
  • 6 months later...
Guest guest

That is soooo funny. I enjoyed that

Tamara Tornado <tamaratornado@...> wrote: Operator:

Thank you for calling Pizza

Hut. May I have your national ID

number?

Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an

order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first,

sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah,

hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. . I see you

live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the

phone number is 494-2366. Your office

number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-

2302 and your cell number is 266-2566.

Email address is smith@... Which

number are you calling from?

Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you

get all this information?

Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We're wired into the Homeland

Security System, sir. This will add only

15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to

order a couple of your All Meat

Special pizzas.

Operator: I don't think that's a good

idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and

commode sensors indicate that you've got

very high blood pressure and extremely

high cholesterol. Your National Health

Care provider won't allow such an

unhealthy choice .

Customer: What?!?! What do you

recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat

Soybean Pizza.I'm sure you'll like

it.

Customer: What makes you think I'd like

something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet

Soybean Recipes' from your local library

last week, sir. That's why I made the

suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me

two family-sized ones, then

Operator: That should be plenty for you,

your wife and your four kids.

Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir.

Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card

number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid

you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit

card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and

get some cash before your driver gets

here.

Operator: That won't work either, sir.

Your checking account is overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the

pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How

long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind,

sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If

you're in a hurry you might want to

pick'em up while you're out getting the

cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a

motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a

scooter?

Operator: It says here you're in arrears

on your car payments, so your

car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid

for and you just filled the tank

yesterday.

Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^ & $%^$@#

Operator: I'd advise watching your

language, sir. You've already got a

July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out

a cop and another one I see here in

September for contempt at your hearing

for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see

here that you just got out from a 90 day

stay in the State Correctional Facility.

Is this your first pizza since your

return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else,

sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a

free 2 liter of Coke.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's

exclusionary clause prevents us from

offering free soda to diabetics. The New

Constitution our country started using

in 2006 prohibits this.

Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!

__________________________________________________

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  • 1 month later...
Guest guest

Nice Joke.

B.M.Mehrotra

Joke

> small joke here

>

>

> 7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from PUNE to

> Mumbai.So both groups gather at Pune Station.

>

> Both groups are desperately trying to prove their

> superiority.

>

>

> SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI):

> --------------------------------------

> ------------------------------------------------- -

> 7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7

> tickets.. Doctors are desperately waiting for TC to

> come...... When TC arrives, All 7 Engineers get in one

> toilet so when TC knocks, one hand come out with the

> ticket and the TC goes

>

> Away....

>

> NOW on return Journey All of them don't get a direct

> Train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger

> till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a LOCAL

> to PUNE

>

>

>

> SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA):

> ----------------------------------

> -------------------------------------------

> -----------

> Doctors decided, " this time we will prove that we too

> are equal " ....All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket Engineers

> don't buy any ticket at all!!!!!..

>

> TC arrives....

>

> ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET.ALL ENGINEERS IN THE

> OPPOSITE.

>

> One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors

> toilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the

> ticket and comes in Engg. Bathroom... TC DRIVES out

> ALL the doctors from the toilet and they are heavily

> fined.

>

>

> SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA):

> -----------------------------------------

> SO now both the group r on LONAVALA station. Doctors

> planning their move for last chance, they board the

> loc al to Pune.

>

> This time doctors decide that they will play the same

> (1 ticket) trick.

>

> ALL Doctors take 1 tickets...Engineers BUY all 7

> tickets this time...

> SO TC Comes.. All Engineers showed their tickets

> ................... ....

>

> Doctors are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL

> train...........

>

>

>

> Conclusion: Technically intelligent people are

> geniuses, don't mess with Engineers.

>

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

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  • 4 months later...

this just popped into my head

a perfumery joke

you scratch my back I'll scratch yours

you sniff my butt I'll sniff yours

ha ha

OMG!!! Scratch-n-sniff! , you are tooooo funny! At first I

said, " Eeew! " but then it kicked in and I'm laughing hard!

Andrine

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>

> > OMG!!! Scratch-n-sniff! , you are tooooo funny! At first I

> said, " Eeew! " but then it kicked in and I'm laughing hard!

>

> Andrine

>

I am glad Andrine was not meant to be gross.

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  • 3 months later...

ROFL.... good one maryanne!anne <kanga2@...> wrote: A man was riding in a cab one day when he decided to tap the cab driver on the shoulder to request an alternate route.The cab driver screams his head off and loses control of the cab, causing it to slam into a lightpost.After checking themselves out the man says, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were so jumpy."To which the cab driver replies, "It's not your fault. Today is my

first day as a cab driver after driving a hearse for 10 years." Jackie

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  • 10 months later...

Oh, Lynda, this is so sweet and funny. Her MAMA will get her, and she probably will not get her bike..... loved the one about the woman driver. He goes mad when he sees people on cell phones while driving.

Love you............Lea

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``````

joke

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Herbirthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her motherwhat she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble atschool and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to geta bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behaviorover the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved abike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and satdown to write God a letter.LETTER 1:Dear God:I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for mybirthday. I want a red one.Your friend,CarolCarol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, soshe tore up the letter and started over.LETTER 2:Dear God:This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.Thank you,CarolCarol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.LETTER 3:Dear God:I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be agood girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.Thank you,CarolCarol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. Bynow, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad."Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She lookedaround to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin ,slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into herhouse, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letterto God.LETTER 4:I GOT YOUR MAMA.IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.Signed,YOU KNOW WHO

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  • 11 months later...

OH GOSH....I am so glad! But it really WAS funny!!!

Debby

[ ] Just HAD to share this with you all............ ; -

)

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local

township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign

on our road. The reason: " Too many deer are being hit by cars

out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore. "

__________________________________________________________

Click here to find the satellite television package that meets your needs.

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99j3REZvCbhl1ZlQNkgJ/

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This is NOT a joke.....a woman that worked with my brother complained that

her computer email was very, very slow. She asked: Do you think it's

because my apartment is on the third floor and it takes longer for the email

to get up there?

I love it !

Patsy in AZ

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Dear Patsy, Thank You soooooo much for sharing!  We all  need to laugh, and it

made my blonde daughter feel so much smarter. LOL , Sincerely, Kathy

From: Murray <patsy56er@...>

Subject: [ ] Re:Joke

Date: Sunday, November 16, 2008, 9:46 AM

This is NOT a joke.....a woman that worked with my brother complained that

her computer email was very, very slow. She asked: Do you think it's

because my apartment is on the third floor and it takes longer for the email

to get up there?

I love it !

Patsy in AZ

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I really needed a good laugh. These are too funny. My mom asks questions about

her computer like this all the time. lol

Thanks for making my day.

the WV hillbilly

LOVE IS IN ALL THINGS AND IN ALL THINGS IS LOVE

________________________________

From: KATHY TURNER <ktbaycity1@...>

Sent: Sunday, November 16, 2008 11:20:09 AM

Subject: Re: [ ] Re:Joke

Dear Patsy, Thank You soooooo much for sharing! We all need to laugh, and it

made my blonde daughter feel so much smarter. LOL , Sincerely, Kathy

From: Murray <patsy56ercox (DOT) net>

Subject: [LiverSupport- L] Re:Joke

LiverSupport- Lgroups (DOT) com

Date: Sunday, November 16, 2008, 9:46 AM

This is NOT a joke.....a woman that worked with my brother complained that

her computer email was very, very slow. She asked: Do you think it's

because my apartment is on the third floor and it takes longer for the email

to get up there?

I love it !

Patsy in AZ

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OH MY GOSH! Sort of like the explainations to insurance agents that says " that

tree just jumped in front of my car "

Debby

[ ] Re:Joke

This is NOT a joke.....a woman that worked with my brother complained that

her computer email was very, very slow. She asked: Do you think it's

because my apartment is on the third floor and it takes longer for the email

to get up there?

I love it !

Patsy in AZ

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  • 4 weeks later...

Dear Sue,

That was really funny, I chuckled for several minutes. Certainly not a

generic description of anyone I would be running across. Are you sure you

didn't leaving something out?

xoxox

Lottie

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