verbal typos

[Guest guest]

I was having a really bad day, and my friend asked me what was wrong. I

looked her and said, in all seriousness, 'It's been a long day this week.'

A friend of mine was at a drive-thru window with a carload of buddies (all

were under the influence of pot) and said something that ended up being

extremely funny to the other stoned people. So, as the drive-thru girl is

asking them what they want, all that you can hear in the car is raucous

laughter. So the driver of the car turns around to his passengers and yells,

loud enough for the girl to hear and then some, 'GUYS, SHUT THE HELL UP, OR

SHE'LL KNOW WE'RE ON DRUGS!!'

My father is well known for switching the first two letters of words to make

funny sayings... some common ones are shake a tower (take a shower), fake a

moan call (make a phone call), fart a stire (start a fire)...but my favorite

one is when he tells some unsuspecting person 'Boy you sure are a Fart

Smeller!' (smart feller) - Constance

Okay, this is very embarrasing butI have been under alot of stress, and I

wanted to take some vitamins and I was running off of no sleep when I got

really frustrated and yelled to my mother ,in complete seriousness... 'How

many of these damn 'One a days' should I take?' I regretted it right when it

came out of my mouth.. but I did laugh so it wasnt so bad...I was trying to

get a coworker to understand a design I hought up and I said to her, 'Let ma

draw you a diaphragm.' Then to make matters worse, a couple of days later

after a discussion with my doctor about birth control I told the same

coworker that I needed to choose between an IUD or a diagram!!

My niece who is four years old told her mother ,after having a bath one day,

that her hair was , 'so damn soft.' thinking that she meant damp or

something the mother asked, ' What does that mean?' the girl replied, 'Ya

know, really really soft.' The mother then had to tell the girl to sit there

while she left the room so that she could laugh out loud.

While working in a Woolworth's dime store during high school, a customer

asked if we had toupees. I told him, 'No sir, however we do sell wigs.' A

few minutes later he returned with my supervisor and she showed him where

the toothpaste was. I was truly embarrassed!

One day in English in High school, we were reading a play. My teacher,

Mr.Yaves, was reading the leading male role (Tommy ) and my friend, Annie,

was reading the main female role, who's name was Annie as well. Tommy and

Annie are married, and in this scene, Tommy is telling Annie how much he

loves her. Tommy (Mr.Yates): You know that I love you Annie. I have for

three years. Annie: Yeah, I know, but that doesnt change anything. Tommy:

But it should, I mean, how can I love you and not give you an .. A .. (you

see, the next word was 'kiss' so, he when he said 'an' instead of a, he was

just correcting the incorrect English. So, it sounded like Mr.Yates was

saying 'If I love you, how can I not give you an A (like the grade). To make

things worse, at that exact moment, our other teacher came in. There were

only me, Annie, Mr.Yates, and 2 other people there.

My 9th grade French teacher was giving the Oral part of our midterm

examination. We had to translate the French phrase she said into English.

She said, 'Mange Moi', instead of 'Mange moins'. ('Eat me' rather than 'eat

less'). She gave us all credit!

Hey, fella, I head ya! (while chatting in a chat room, this was one gal's

reply to a guy's political commentary... she intended to key 'Hey fella, I

hear ya!'... Needless to say, the topic of discussion changed from politics

rather rapidly!

One day in school, my gym teacher let me lead the class, because I couldn't

do anything else due to my broken hand. So, I started with some volleyball

exercises and after about 3 minutes of exercise, I just yelled out loud 'Ok

guys, now please hold on to your balls!' Everyone started cracking up

including my teacher! - Tamara "

The batteries in the clock at the church I attend ran out. The hands were

stuck on the time 5:40. My youth pastor's wife was staring at the clock and

said, 'I wonder what time the batteries died?'

An ex (at the time she was my 'current', of course) and I were watching one

of the Airplane movies. In one scene Ethel Merman launches into song... my

ex turned to me and in total seriousness asked 'I wonder if she was alive

when she was in this movie...'

" And all I have to do is be at home. And that won't be hard - I live at

home! "

On Women at the Beach (and the watching thereof): It's alright to look, as

long as you don't think. -

I was taking a breakfast order one morning (as a waitress), and one gent

ordered a dish I had never heard of. I wrote down what he said, in hopes

that the cook would have an idea what 'quimby-fashioned eggs' might be. The

cook sent me back out to the table, and red-faced, I asked how the cook

might prepare that particular dish. The gent then started howling with

laughter, and so did I once he informed me that he simply wanted corned

beef, hash and eggs!!

My dad, on being exasperated with politicians, usually says 'If the shoe

fits...'. This time, it came out 'If the foo shits...'

I was at an overnight leadership session and I met a girl and she was

telling me how she had a hard time putting her cat together when she arrived

and that her cat was dirty and she didn't wan't to sleep on it.....here she

was talking about a cot and her accent just made it sound like she was

saying cat.

" I could charge you with sexual assault, but I won't if you sleep with

me. " - n to Byron

My gym teacher was teaching us how to play hockey & she said: '...when the

ball is between your legs, put the stick in & whack it; doesn't matter if

someone's feet are in the way.' The class thought it was hilairious, but the

teacher didn't get it. - Donna

A very good friend of mine, when I first met her, telling me what types of

things she liked to do. I met her at a Center for Talented Youth. 'I like

music. Especially, you know, the kind you listen to.'

When my son was very young I gave him a boysenberry yogurt. As I was eating

mine he asked if I was eating girlsenberry yogurt. - A mom

It shot up like a meteor! - your humble moderator describing Netscape

stock.

'I feel like I should have a great idea right now. But I don't.' - Noam

My cousin, talking to his daughter, after she asked something that she knew

he was not going to let her do said, 'What kind of smoke you been

cracking?' -

My family was vacationing in disneyland, and we were talking about Walt

Disney. My mom says, 'Walt Disney had a dream....' My sister cuts her off

and says, 'Wasn't that Luther King Jr.?' All the people around us

stopped and started laughing their asses off.

~~

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the

affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one

life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

--- Ralph Waldo Emerson