Re: Friend very sad about ds child

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 5/7/2005 2:02:57 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

mikeandstef2000@... writes:

> The stress goes far more deep than just the child with ds, it also includes

>

> her husband that accepted the childs ds right when she was born and has

> never

> been very compassionate about the mothers sadness............Plus my friend

> has

> health problems of her own.....

>

Sorry, but I agree with the father! Why should he accept the fact that the

wife can't accept the child? She needs to accept this and move on. As a very

wise friend of mine with three children (one has a developmental disability)

said, all of her children have sadnesses, they're just different ones. I have

compassion for people who lose their children or see them suffer due to

overwhelming illnesses. I have compassion for my friends who want children, but

can't have them. I have compassion for the many homeless and hungry children in

the world. There is no guarantee for a perfect child, so if it was perfection

she wanted it she should have raised poodles. She finds one child stressful,

try raising more than one or try raising one alone.

Maybe I need the counseling, but I have no compassion for people who feel

children like mind are something to be sad about.

Kathy, Liam's Mom (7, Down syndrome, Asthma, Type 1 Diabetes (dx 11/04))

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 5/7/2005 2:02:57 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

mikeandstef2000@... writes:

> The stress goes far more deep than just the child with ds, it also includes

>

> her husband that accepted the childs ds right when she was born and has

> never

> been very compassionate about the mothers sadness............Plus my friend

> has

> health problems of her own.....

>

Sorry, but I agree with the father! Why should he accept the fact that the

wife can't accept the child? She needs to accept this and move on. As a very

wise friend of mine with three children (one has a developmental disability)

said, all of her children have sadnesses, they're just different ones. I have

compassion for people who lose their children or see them suffer due to

overwhelming illnesses. I have compassion for my friends who want children, but

can't have them. I have compassion for the many homeless and hungry children in

the world. There is no guarantee for a perfect child, so if it was perfection

she wanted it she should have raised poodles. She finds one child stressful,

try raising more than one or try raising one alone.

Maybe I need the counseling, but I have no compassion for people who feel

children like mind are something to be sad about.

Kathy, Liam's Mom (7, Down syndrome, Asthma, Type 1 Diabetes (dx 11/04))

[Guest guest]

Check if there is a Pilot Parent program in your area that this family can

get hooked up with.

In training they teach you that there are 7 steps of grief that parents go

through when they have a child who is diagnosed with a disability. Usually

it's the fathers who have a harder time.

It sounds like the mother got stuck on one of the steps and needs some

professional help to get past it.

I'm sorry for her not being able to enjoy and appreciate her child, but it IS

a very real problem for her and she needs support.

M.

[Guest guest]

Check if there is a Pilot Parent program in your area that this family can

get hooked up with.

In training they teach you that there are 7 steps of grief that parents go

through when they have a child who is diagnosed with a disability. Usually

it's the fathers who have a harder time.

It sounds like the mother got stuck on one of the steps and needs some

professional help to get past it.

I'm sorry for her not being able to enjoy and appreciate her child, but it IS

a very real problem for her and she needs support.

M.

[Guest guest]

I have never been able to get pregnant, despite the best medical help money

could buy. My husband and I decided to stop after 5 years of trying, to

adopt. We chose special needs adoption. The first child we were offered was a

child with Ds. Being uninformed, I thought, " Oh, one of those kids who hug

people all the time! " I thought it would be a piece of cake. Little did I

know that I was about to start on one of the hardest, must frustrating journeys

of my life. And that I would discover move love, more compassion, more

courage and more strength that I ever thought possible.

Did I get the child I envisioned, when I was young and planning my future?

No. I got better! I not only adopted one child with Ds, my husband and I

adopted two! And two children within the autism spectrum. People seem amazed

that my husband and I would take on such a task, but I have to ask them, " Why

not? " All we wanted is to have children, we didn't put any stipulations on

it.

When you get pregnant, there are no guarantees that your child will get your

blonde hair, or your husband's nose. They may not be a genius at math, or

musically inclined. They may be born with ADD or Ds or something much worse,

or even fatal. If you are looking for guarantees, then you should not be

having children.

There are women, like me, who can never give birth to a child and would give

anything to be in her shoes. There are also women, like me, who have had a

child killed by medical negligence, and would give anything to have their

child back, even if others might not have thought they were " perfect " .

My kids may not be what I expected when I was 12 and planning my " perfect "

future, but when I look at them now, they are everything I ever hoped or

dreamed of and more! I wouldn't change a hair on their heads.

Good luck to your friend. I have heard about some kind of problem, where

mother's reject their own children. It may not have anything to do with the

Ds. Please encourage her to get help, before she harms herself or her child.

Sue -- mom to Zack, 12, DS, 2 ASD's, an VSD and a bad mitral valve; Matt,

11. 's Anomaly, Cataracts, Glaucoma, PDD, PFO, hearing loss; ,

forever four, DS, TOF, gtube, 04/20/96-12/31/00; Sami, 2, sensory issues,

possible

autism.

[Guest guest]

I have never been able to get pregnant, despite the best medical help money

could buy. My husband and I decided to stop after 5 years of trying, to

adopt. We chose special needs adoption. The first child we were offered was a

child with Ds. Being uninformed, I thought, " Oh, one of those kids who hug

people all the time! " I thought it would be a piece of cake. Little did I

know that I was about to start on one of the hardest, must frustrating journeys

of my life. And that I would discover move love, more compassion, more

courage and more strength that I ever thought possible.

Did I get the child I envisioned, when I was young and planning my future?

No. I got better! I not only adopted one child with Ds, my husband and I

adopted two! And two children within the autism spectrum. People seem amazed

that my husband and I would take on such a task, but I have to ask them, " Why

not? " All we wanted is to have children, we didn't put any stipulations on

it.

When you get pregnant, there are no guarantees that your child will get your

blonde hair, or your husband's nose. They may not be a genius at math, or

musically inclined. They may be born with ADD or Ds or something much worse,

or even fatal. If you are looking for guarantees, then you should not be

having children.

There are women, like me, who can never give birth to a child and would give

anything to be in her shoes. There are also women, like me, who have had a

child killed by medical negligence, and would give anything to have their

child back, even if others might not have thought they were " perfect " .

My kids may not be what I expected when I was 12 and planning my " perfect "

future, but when I look at them now, they are everything I ever hoped or

dreamed of and more! I wouldn't change a hair on their heads.

Good luck to your friend. I have heard about some kind of problem, where

mother's reject their own children. It may not have anything to do with the

Ds. Please encourage her to get help, before she harms herself or her child.

Sue -- mom to Zack, 12, DS, 2 ASD's, an VSD and a bad mitral valve; Matt,

11. 's Anomaly, Cataracts, Glaucoma, PDD, PFO, hearing loss; ,

forever four, DS, TOF, gtube, 04/20/96-12/31/00; Sami, 2, sensory issues,

possible

autism.

[Guest guest]

I agree with you Kathy.

I'm not bashing this mom, the fact is,she needs therapy, possibly medication to

get her in a place where it is safe for her to be a caretaker. I don't think

it's a good idea for this little girl to be in this situation, regardless of how

loving the father is. Depressed mothers can do horrible things to themselves

and their children.

Yates was " depressed. "

Even if her child had been " perfect " I imagine she would have found another

reason to be depressed/sad. She needs help right away. If you are truly

concerned about your friend, make sure she gets it, but get that child out of

the situation now. She is in a potentially abusive situation if her mother is

as ill as you say.

Karla in Texas

Re: Friend very sad about ds child

In a message dated 5/7/2005 2:02:57 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

mikeandstef2000@... writes:

> The stress goes far more deep than just the child with ds, it also includes

>

> her husband that accepted the childs ds right when she was born and has

> never

> been very compassionate about the mothers sadness............Plus my friend

> has

> health problems of her own.....

>

Sorry, but I agree with the father! Why should he accept the fact that the

wife can't accept the child? She needs to accept this and move on. As a very

wise friend of mine with three children (one has a developmental disability)

said, all of her children have sadnesses, they're just different ones. I have

compassion for people who lose their children or see them suffer due to

overwhelming illnesses. I have compassion for my friends who want children,

but

can't have them. I have compassion for the many homeless and hungry children

in

the world. There is no guarantee for a perfect child, so if it was perfection

she wanted it she should have raised poodles. She finds one child stressful,

try raising more than one or try raising one alone.

Maybe I need the counseling, but I have no compassion for people who feel

children like mind are something to be sad about.

Kathy, Liam's Mom (7, Down syndrome, Asthma, Type 1 Diabetes (dx 11/04))

[Guest guest]

I agree with you Kathy.

I'm not bashing this mom, the fact is,she needs therapy, possibly medication to

get her in a place where it is safe for her to be a caretaker. I don't think

it's a good idea for this little girl to be in this situation, regardless of how

loving the father is. Depressed mothers can do horrible things to themselves

and their children.

Yates was " depressed. "

Even if her child had been " perfect " I imagine she would have found another

reason to be depressed/sad. She needs help right away. If you are truly

concerned about your friend, make sure she gets it, but get that child out of

the situation now. She is in a potentially abusive situation if her mother is

as ill as you say.

Karla in Texas

Re: Friend very sad about ds child

In a message dated 5/7/2005 2:02:57 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

mikeandstef2000@... writes:

> The stress goes far more deep than just the child with ds, it also includes

>

> her husband that accepted the childs ds right when she was born and has

> never

> been very compassionate about the mothers sadness............Plus my friend

> has

> health problems of her own.....

>

Sorry, but I agree with the father! Why should he accept the fact that the

wife can't accept the child? She needs to accept this and move on. As a very

wise friend of mine with three children (one has a developmental disability)

said, all of her children have sadnesses, they're just different ones. I have

compassion for people who lose their children or see them suffer due to

overwhelming illnesses. I have compassion for my friends who want children,

but

can't have them. I have compassion for the many homeless and hungry children

in

the world. There is no guarantee for a perfect child, so if it was perfection

she wanted it she should have raised poodles. She finds one child stressful,

try raising more than one or try raising one alone.

Maybe I need the counseling, but I have no compassion for people who feel

children like mind are something to be sad about.

Kathy, Liam's Mom (7, Down syndrome, Asthma, Type 1 Diabetes (dx 11/04))

[Guest guest]

Sounds like she needs a dose of reality from Dr. Phil.

Stef - if you are a good friend, she may need a little kick in the butt from

you in addition to the medical and psychological help she will receive.

She's lucky her husband has stuck with her this long. Tim would have had me

packed up and out the door without .

Re: Friend very sad about ds child

>

>

> In a message dated 5/7/2005 2:02:57 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

> mikeandstef2000@... writes:

>

>

> > The stress goes far more deep than just the child with ds, it also

includes

> >

> > her husband that accepted the childs ds right when she was born and

has

> > never

> > been very compassionate about the mothers sadness............Plus my

friend

> > has

> > health problems of her own.....

> >

>

> Sorry, but I agree with the father! Why should he accept the fact that

the

> wife can't accept the child? She needs to accept this and move on. As

a very

> wise friend of mine with three children (one has a developmental

disability)

> said, all of her children have sadnesses, they're just different ones.

I have

> compassion for people who lose their children or see them suffer due to

> overwhelming illnesses. I have compassion for my friends who want

children, but

> can't have them. I have compassion for the many homeless and hungry

children in

> the world. There is no guarantee for a perfect child, so if it was

perfection

> she wanted it she should have raised poodles. She finds one child

stressful,

> try raising more than one or try raising one alone.

>

> Maybe I need the counseling, but I have no compassion for people who

feel

> children like mind are something to be sad about.

>

> Kathy, Liam's Mom (7, Down syndrome, Asthma, Type 1 Diabetes (dx 11/04))

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sounds like she needs a dose of reality from Dr. Phil.

Stef - if you are a good friend, she may need a little kick in the butt from

you in addition to the medical and psychological help she will receive.

She's lucky her husband has stuck with her this long. Tim would have had me

packed up and out the door without .

Re: Friend very sad about ds child

>

>

> In a message dated 5/7/2005 2:02:57 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

> mikeandstef2000@... writes:

>

>

> > The stress goes far more deep than just the child with ds, it also

includes

> >

> > her husband that accepted the childs ds right when she was born and

has

> > never

> > been very compassionate about the mothers sadness............Plus my

friend

> > has

> > health problems of her own.....

> >

>

> Sorry, but I agree with the father! Why should he accept the fact that

the

> wife can't accept the child? She needs to accept this and move on. As

a very

> wise friend of mine with three children (one has a developmental

disability)

> said, all of her children have sadnesses, they're just different ones.

I have

> compassion for people who lose their children or see them suffer due to

> overwhelming illnesses. I have compassion for my friends who want

children, but

> can't have them. I have compassion for the many homeless and hungry

children in

> the world. There is no guarantee for a perfect child, so if it was

perfection

> she wanted it she should have raised poodles. She finds one child

stressful,

> try raising more than one or try raising one alone.

>

> Maybe I need the counseling, but I have no compassion for people who

feel

> children like mind are something to be sad about.

>

> Kathy, Liam's Mom (7, Down syndrome, Asthma, Type 1 Diabetes (dx 11/04))

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

This may not just be the issues some people have with having a child with

extra or special needs... this may be a bad case of post partum

depression/psycosis that was never treated and could very well have

manifested even without the diagnosis of down syndrome..... but I also agree

that something needs to be done to protect that child especially if the

mother is home alone with her for any length of time.... it could also be

just plain depression.... many parents have it and it has nothing to do with

having a child with special needs... I would never assume problems like this

are just because the parent can't accept a child with special needs.... but

the mom needs help... the whole family should receive help as a dynamic

process.... I wish your friend all the healing in the world

Friend very sad about ds child

> hi friends:

>

> I hope some of you can help me with my question and offer me some good

> advice.......Please feel free to email me back personally if you

> like........

>

> I have a friend that has a child with ds (their only child) the mother has

> never come to terms with her ds, the child is 11 years old. She has been

> very

> sad and depressed off and on for years, it seems to go in

> waves............sometimes she is fine and has accepted it and at other

> times she is so

> sad..........(Especially around mothers day)

>

> But, this Friday evening she did something to try and harm herself because

> she felt that she could not handle the stress anymore...............The

> mother

> is ok, but will need to go to counseling.............I suggested she go to

> counseling along with her husband..............as he could be part of the

> problem

> as well.

>

> The stress goes far more deep than just the child with ds, it also

> includes

> her husband that accepted the childs ds right when she was born and has

> never

> been very compassionate about the mothers sadness............Plus my

> friend has

> health problems of her own.....

>

> She's sad b/c the child she dreamed of that she never had and her husband

> is

> not compassionate towards her feelings and seems not to understand how she

> has

> never accepted the childs ds...........

>

> What can I do to help my friend?

>

> I'm sure there is other mothers out there that have a hard time accepting

> their childs ds and get sad and depressed....especially when it's your

> only

> child................

>

> and I'm sure if she had a supportive, compassionate husband it might be

> more

> easy on her.............

>

> Please let me know any advice..............I'm so scared and worried about

> my

> friend..........

> I wish I knew what to do - I do know deep down she does love her child

> with

> ds.........

>

> thank you

>

> Stefanie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

This may not just be the issues some people have with having a child with

extra or special needs... this may be a bad case of post partum

depression/psycosis that was never treated and could very well have

manifested even without the diagnosis of down syndrome..... but I also agree

that something needs to be done to protect that child especially if the

mother is home alone with her for any length of time.... it could also be

just plain depression.... many parents have it and it has nothing to do with

having a child with special needs... I would never assume problems like this

are just because the parent can't accept a child with special needs.... but

the mom needs help... the whole family should receive help as a dynamic

process.... I wish your friend all the healing in the world

Friend very sad about ds child

> hi friends:

>

> I hope some of you can help me with my question and offer me some good

> advice.......Please feel free to email me back personally if you

> like........

>

> I have a friend that has a child with ds (their only child) the mother has

> never come to terms with her ds, the child is 11 years old. She has been

> very

> sad and depressed off and on for years, it seems to go in

> waves............sometimes she is fine and has accepted it and at other

> times she is so

> sad..........(Especially around mothers day)

>

> But, this Friday evening she did something to try and harm herself because

> she felt that she could not handle the stress anymore...............The

> mother

> is ok, but will need to go to counseling.............I suggested she go to

> counseling along with her husband..............as he could be part of the

> problem

> as well.

>

> The stress goes far more deep than just the child with ds, it also

> includes

> her husband that accepted the childs ds right when she was born and has

> never

> been very compassionate about the mothers sadness............Plus my

> friend has

> health problems of her own.....

>

> She's sad b/c the child she dreamed of that she never had and her husband

> is

> not compassionate towards her feelings and seems not to understand how she

> has

> never accepted the childs ds...........

>

> What can I do to help my friend?

>

> I'm sure there is other mothers out there that have a hard time accepting

> their childs ds and get sad and depressed....especially when it's your

> only

> child................

>

> and I'm sure if she had a supportive, compassionate husband it might be

> more

> easy on her.............

>

> Please let me know any advice..............I'm so scared and worried about

> my

> friend..........

> I wish I knew what to do - I do know deep down she does love her child

> with

> ds.........

>

> thank you

>

> Stefanie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow... thanks for putting mothers day in complete perspective for me this

morning, and Sue! Now, as I head to church sobbing like a baby, I hope

" yunz " are happy, as they say in Pittsburgh...

Thanks to ALL of you who have been there for me since the beginning, day 4,

actually. Thanks for the sharing of your lives in such a real, meaningful and

personal way and in your own way helping me to sort out what mine is.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

Connie

Mom to Tatyanna -16 (who just took the SAT and lived)

Sergey-16 (adopted at age 6 from Russia with a birth defect in his arms who

right now is taking down his tent at Boy Scout Camp)

- 14 (3 points from Mensa... now THAT'S special needs!!)

Midori -12 (who just gave me a cactus for mother's day because she's pretty

sure I can't kill it... also the one with the tender heart for the hurts of

others)

Hannah Grace MooMoo Head- 5 The kid who got me on this is... heart

repaired at a year, tubes, pending T & A this summer, devious, funny, silly love

bunny

who reminds me every day that my plans probably weren't all that important.

Theresa - 2 who was in the tub yesterday and stood up in shock and horror

and said... " take em OFF, take em OFF... what?? Da Bubbles on my BUTT... Take

em' off!!

[Guest guest]

Wow... thanks for putting mothers day in complete perspective for me this

morning, and Sue! Now, as I head to church sobbing like a baby, I hope

" yunz " are happy, as they say in Pittsburgh...

Thanks to ALL of you who have been there for me since the beginning, day 4,

actually. Thanks for the sharing of your lives in such a real, meaningful and

personal way and in your own way helping me to sort out what mine is.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

Connie

Mom to Tatyanna -16 (who just took the SAT and lived)

Sergey-16 (adopted at age 6 from Russia with a birth defect in his arms who

right now is taking down his tent at Boy Scout Camp)

- 14 (3 points from Mensa... now THAT'S special needs!!)

Midori -12 (who just gave me a cactus for mother's day because she's pretty

sure I can't kill it... also the one with the tender heart for the hurts of

others)

Hannah Grace MooMoo Head- 5 The kid who got me on this is... heart

repaired at a year, tubes, pending T & A this summer, devious, funny, silly love

bunny

who reminds me every day that my plans probably weren't all that important.

Theresa - 2 who was in the tub yesterday and stood up in shock and horror

and said... " take em OFF, take em OFF... what?? Da Bubbles on my BUTT... Take

em' off!!

[Guest guest]

Hi

We adopted at 5 1/2 weeks. He worked out so well, 10 months later we

got Kristi at 2 months. They were such an amazing team that the following

year we got at 10 months. All three with Down syndrome. All three

doing amazing things now as teenagers. We adopted at 5 1/2 months in

1997. He has Cri du chat syndrome, a whole different story. If anyone ever

tells you that Down syndrome is similar to Cri du chat, well don't listen.

It's not. has been a 24/7 challenge. But we love him dearly and we

have high hopes for him. He has been showing some improvement lately both

in learning and behavior. He will never function as high as , for

example, he can't even talk yet and just barely walks at 8, but God sent him

to us for a purpose. And there is a purpose he is the way he is. So we

will carry on.

Dad to , Kristi, and (all three Down syndrome) and (Cri

du chat)

Husband to C. in Mo.

Uncle Daddy to and (two more wonderful little girls with Down

syndrome)

Re: Friend very sad about ds child

> I have never been able to get pregnant, despite the best medical help

money

> could buy. My husband and I decided to stop after 5 years of trying, to

> adopt. We chose special needs adoption. The first child we were offered

was a

> child with Ds. Being uninformed, I thought, " Oh, one of those kids who

hug

> people all the time! " I thought it would be a piece of cake. Little did

I

> know that I was about to start on one of the hardest, must frustrating

journeys

> of my life. And that I would discover move love, more compassion, more

> courage and more strength that I ever thought possible.

>

> Did I get the child I envisioned, when I was young and planning my

future?

> No. I got better! I not only adopted one child with Ds, my husband and

I

> adopted two! And two children within the autism spectrum. People seem

amazed

> that my husband and I would take on such a task, but I have to ask them,

" Why

> not? " All we wanted is to have children, we didn't put any stipulations

on

> it.

>

> When you get pregnant, there are no guarantees that your child will get

your

> blonde hair, or your husband's nose. They may not be a genius at math,

or

> musically inclined. They may be born with ADD or Ds or something much

worse,

> or even fatal. If you are looking for guarantees, then you should not be

> having children.

>

> There are women, like me, who can never give birth to a child and would

give

> anything to be in her shoes. There are also women, like me, who have had

a

> child killed by medical negligence, and would give anything to have their

> child back, even if others might not have thought they were " perfect " .

>

> My kids may not be what I expected when I was 12 and planning my " perfect "

> future, but when I look at them now, they are everything I ever hoped or

> dreamed of and more! I wouldn't change a hair on their heads.

>

> Good luck to your friend. I have heard about some kind of problem, where

> mother's reject their own children. It may not have anything to do with

the

> Ds. Please encourage her to get help, before she harms herself or her

child.

>

> Sue -- mom to Zack, 12, DS, 2 ASD's, an VSD and a bad mitral valve;

Matt,

> 11. 's Anomaly, Cataracts, Glaucoma, PDD, PFO, hearing loss; ,

> forever four, DS, TOF, gtube, 04/20/96-12/31/00; Sami, 2, sensory issues,

possible

> autism.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

We adopted at 5 1/2 weeks. He worked out so well, 10 months later we

got Kristi at 2 months. They were such an amazing team that the following

year we got at 10 months. All three with Down syndrome. All three

doing amazing things now as teenagers. We adopted at 5 1/2 months in

1997. He has Cri du chat syndrome, a whole different story. If anyone ever

tells you that Down syndrome is similar to Cri du chat, well don't listen.

It's not. has been a 24/7 challenge. But we love him dearly and we

have high hopes for him. He has been showing some improvement lately both

in learning and behavior. He will never function as high as , for

example, he can't even talk yet and just barely walks at 8, but God sent him

to us for a purpose. And there is a purpose he is the way he is. So we

will carry on.

Dad to , Kristi, and (all three Down syndrome) and (Cri

du chat)

Husband to C. in Mo.

Uncle Daddy to and (two more wonderful little girls with Down

syndrome)

Re: Friend very sad about ds child

> I have never been able to get pregnant, despite the best medical help

money

> could buy. My husband and I decided to stop after 5 years of trying, to

> adopt. We chose special needs adoption. The first child we were offered

was a

> child with Ds. Being uninformed, I thought, " Oh, one of those kids who

hug

> people all the time! " I thought it would be a piece of cake. Little did

I

> know that I was about to start on one of the hardest, must frustrating

journeys

> of my life. And that I would discover move love, more compassion, more

> courage and more strength that I ever thought possible.

>

> Did I get the child I envisioned, when I was young and planning my

future?

> No. I got better! I not only adopted one child with Ds, my husband and

I

> adopted two! And two children within the autism spectrum. People seem

amazed

> that my husband and I would take on such a task, but I have to ask them,

" Why

> not? " All we wanted is to have children, we didn't put any stipulations

on

> it.

>

> When you get pregnant, there are no guarantees that your child will get

your

> blonde hair, or your husband's nose. They may not be a genius at math,

or

> musically inclined. They may be born with ADD or Ds or something much

worse,

> or even fatal. If you are looking for guarantees, then you should not be

> having children.

>

> There are women, like me, who can never give birth to a child and would

give

> anything to be in her shoes. There are also women, like me, who have had

a

> child killed by medical negligence, and would give anything to have their

> child back, even if others might not have thought they were " perfect " .

>

> My kids may not be what I expected when I was 12 and planning my " perfect "

> future, but when I look at them now, they are everything I ever hoped or

> dreamed of and more! I wouldn't change a hair on their heads.

>

> Good luck to your friend. I have heard about some kind of problem, where

> mother's reject their own children. It may not have anything to do with

the

> Ds. Please encourage her to get help, before she harms herself or her

child.

>

> Sue -- mom to Zack, 12, DS, 2 ASD's, an VSD and a bad mitral valve;

Matt,

> 11. 's Anomaly, Cataracts, Glaucoma, PDD, PFO, hearing loss; ,

> forever four, DS, TOF, gtube, 04/20/96-12/31/00; Sami, 2, sensory issues,

possible

> autism.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Theresa - 2 who was in the tub yesterday and stood up in shock and horror

and said... " take em OFF, take em OFF... what?? Da Bubbles on my BUTT... Take

em' off!!

What would we do without our precious babes, all of them, no matter what their

needs are (and they all have them). They make us laugh they make us sing, they

make us cry, they make us LIVE!! Happy mother's day to you all.

Loree

Re: Friend very sad about ds child

Wow... thanks for putting mothers day in complete perspective for me this

morning, and Sue! Now, as I head to church sobbing like a baby, I

hope

" yunz " are happy, as they say in Pittsburgh...

Thanks to ALL of you who have been there for me since the beginning, day 4,

actually. Thanks for the sharing of your lives in such a real, meaningful and

personal way and in your own way helping me to sort out what mine is.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

Connie

Mom to Tatyanna -16 (who just took the SAT and lived)

Sergey-16 (adopted at age 6 from Russia with a birth defect in his arms who

right now is taking down his tent at Boy Scout Camp)

- 14 (3 points from Mensa... now THAT'S special needs!!)

Midori -12 (who just gave me a cactus for mother's day because she's pretty

sure I can't kill it... also the one with the tender heart for the hurts of

others)

Hannah Grace MooMoo Head- 5 The kid who got me on this is... heart

repaired at a year, tubes, pending T & A this summer, devious, funny, silly

love bunny

who reminds me every day that my plans probably weren't all that important.

Theresa - 2 who was in the tub yesterday and stood up in shock and horror

and said... " take em OFF, take em OFF... what?? Da Bubbles on my BUTT...

Take

em' off!!

[Guest guest]

Theresa - 2 who was in the tub yesterday and stood up in shock and horror

and said... " take em OFF, take em OFF... what?? Da Bubbles on my BUTT... Take

em' off!!

What would we do without our precious babes, all of them, no matter what their

needs are (and they all have them). They make us laugh they make us sing, they

make us cry, they make us LIVE!! Happy mother's day to you all.

Loree

Re: Friend very sad about ds child

Wow... thanks for putting mothers day in complete perspective for me this

morning, and Sue! Now, as I head to church sobbing like a baby, I

hope

" yunz " are happy, as they say in Pittsburgh...

Thanks to ALL of you who have been there for me since the beginning, day 4,

actually. Thanks for the sharing of your lives in such a real, meaningful and

personal way and in your own way helping me to sort out what mine is.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

Connie

Mom to Tatyanna -16 (who just took the SAT and lived)

Sergey-16 (adopted at age 6 from Russia with a birth defect in his arms who

right now is taking down his tent at Boy Scout Camp)

- 14 (3 points from Mensa... now THAT'S special needs!!)

Midori -12 (who just gave me a cactus for mother's day because she's pretty

sure I can't kill it... also the one with the tender heart for the hurts of

others)

Hannah Grace MooMoo Head- 5 The kid who got me on this is... heart

repaired at a year, tubes, pending T & A this summer, devious, funny, silly

love bunny

who reminds me every day that my plans probably weren't all that important.

Theresa - 2 who was in the tub yesterday and stood up in shock and horror

and said... " take em OFF, take em OFF... what?? Da Bubbles on my BUTT...

Take

em' off!!

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I have decided to weigh in on this from a different perspective. I have an only

child who happens to have ds. This was God's plan and not mine. I also have a

hubby who did not want to adopt. That's ok, we all have different callings. It

has been very hard and extremely lonely at times. I wouldn't trade her for the

world. My husband accepted her disability at birth. I sought out the services

to help her. Eventually I too accepted her.

Having a husband that accepts a disability doesn't speak to the whole issue.

How supportive is he? Mine comes to meetings and supports what I do. I handle

all the therapies, playdates, trying to make friends, school issues...you get

the picture. Hubby supports me and is a great sounding board.

In this woman's case that may not have been true. She needs support, prayers,

therapy and probably a break. I get to go away for a weekend every year as well

as conferences I choose to attend. Hubby takes care of Bridget including

dealing with her period. Maybe she has no famliy around. Maybe her family does

not accept the child.

It can get very lonely and tiring being your childs sdvocate, mother and

playmate just to name a few. I sure hope she gets the help and support she

needs.

mom to Bridget 12

wife to

in upstate SC

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I have decided to weigh in on this from a different perspective. I have an only

child who happens to have ds. This was God's plan and not mine. I also have a

hubby who did not want to adopt. That's ok, we all have different callings. It

has been very hard and extremely lonely at times. I wouldn't trade her for the

world. My husband accepted her disability at birth. I sought out the services

to help her. Eventually I too accepted her.

Having a husband that accepts a disability doesn't speak to the whole issue.

How supportive is he? Mine comes to meetings and supports what I do. I handle

all the therapies, playdates, trying to make friends, school issues...you get

the picture. Hubby supports me and is a great sounding board.

In this woman's case that may not have been true. She needs support, prayers,

therapy and probably a break. I get to go away for a weekend every year as well

as conferences I choose to attend. Hubby takes care of Bridget including

dealing with her period. Maybe she has no famliy around. Maybe her family does

not accept the child.

It can get very lonely and tiring being your childs sdvocate, mother and

playmate just to name a few. I sure hope she gets the help and support she

needs.

mom to Bridget 12

wife to

in upstate SC

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 5/7/2005 2:02:35 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

mikeandstef2000@... writes:

She's sad b/c the child she dreamed of that she never had and her husband is

not compassionate towards her feelings and seems not to understand how she

has

never accepted the childs ds...........

Stef:

I have a hard time accepting her passing the blame for her inability to

accept the 'loss of the child she dreamed of having for the reality of the child

she has' on her husband. If you would have told me the baby was hours or

days old, I could say he was being a little harsh at not giving her time to

adjust and accept; however, the child is 11 years old! By this time she should

have accepted the reality versus the dream! Being a parent isn't about me and

my dreams it is about the child and their dreams as well as our dreams for

them.

Now with that said, I will admit there are times when I feel sad about

Nick's having Down Syndrome but they don't linger. Those times come when I see

other kids his age doing things Nick currently can't do. Those times come

occasionally when I tried to envision what future Nick might have; of course, I

try to remind myself that no matter what future I foresee for any of my

children there are no guarantees. Because of Nick, and his diagnosis, I

believe I

have accepted and truly embraced the ability to pray for what God wants for

my child. Having a relationship with God, I know, from reading his word, that

HIS plans for each of us is to prosper us and not to harm us. By accepting

that for my children, I know that no matter what things will work out for

God's glory. Perhaps, if your friend has a relationship with God that can be

pointed out to her and she can accept that all will work out.

Cari

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 5/7/2005 2:02:35 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

mikeandstef2000@... writes:

She's sad b/c the child she dreamed of that she never had and her husband is

not compassionate towards her feelings and seems not to understand how she

has

never accepted the childs ds...........

Stef:

I have a hard time accepting her passing the blame for her inability to

accept the 'loss of the child she dreamed of having for the reality of the child

she has' on her husband. If you would have told me the baby was hours or

days old, I could say he was being a little harsh at not giving her time to

adjust and accept; however, the child is 11 years old! By this time she should

have accepted the reality versus the dream! Being a parent isn't about me and

my dreams it is about the child and their dreams as well as our dreams for

them.

Now with that said, I will admit there are times when I feel sad about

Nick's having Down Syndrome but they don't linger. Those times come when I see

other kids his age doing things Nick currently can't do. Those times come

occasionally when I tried to envision what future Nick might have; of course, I

try to remind myself that no matter what future I foresee for any of my

children there are no guarantees. Because of Nick, and his diagnosis, I

believe I

have accepted and truly embraced the ability to pray for what God wants for

my child. Having a relationship with God, I know, from reading his word, that

HIS plans for each of us is to prosper us and not to harm us. By accepting

that for my children, I know that no matter what things will work out for

God's glory. Perhaps, if your friend has a relationship with God that can be

pointed out to her and she can accept that all will work out.

Cari

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone:

Thanks to those that gave some positive advice................

I know that there has to be some folks out there that can relate to feeling

like this.............and I was hoping some of yall can tell me what helped you

get through times like this.................Counseling? medicine? talking to

other parents..........

I guess I haven't made things clear..........

She is crying out for help. She knows that she will need to go to counseling,

but so does her husband...........They both need counseling to form a better

relationship.............

Her pain from her health problems has gotten so bad.............Some of

issues include......disabiling form of arthritis, a not supportive compassionate

husband (he's very cold), just got diagnosed with skin cancer, her bosses at

work are terrible etc... a lot of stresses...........

She does so many " loving " things for her child with ds......... she IS a

great Outstanding mother..........I do believe that she has accepted her child,

but not fully...........it's sad for her to see what other typically developing

children are doing and she's worried about the future. She's very worried and

scared.

Having her " only child " have a disability must be very hard on

anyone..............when you have more than one child and other typically

developing

children I think it's easier for parents to accept. Just my

opinion..............But,

again it comes back to..........having a caring, compassionate husband would

definently help.......I think if he was different things would be

different...........

it's just " at times " she grieves and is sad of things.......

It would be nice if she had a nice supportive husband to help her through

things (give her a hug once in a while)..........not just ignore her and not

help

..................verbal abuse at times can be overwhelming....

How would you feel if you had a NOT supportive rude husband???

Plus health problems of your own

I just thought maybe some of you had some " positive " advice for me to give

her.........

Not to just " bash " the mother...........

Basically what I wanted to know is if anybody has ever used a psycologist to

help with some of the sad grieving feelings? should she request a certain

" type " of physicologist?

What things has helped you cope and accept?

Have any of you been sad and grieve for a long period of time?

I just want her to get the help that she needs...........

any supportive advice would be helpful............

thanks

Stefanie

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone:

Thanks to those that gave some positive advice................

I know that there has to be some folks out there that can relate to feeling

like this.............and I was hoping some of yall can tell me what helped you

get through times like this.................Counseling? medicine? talking to

other parents..........

I guess I haven't made things clear..........

She is crying out for help. She knows that she will need to go to counseling,

but so does her husband...........They both need counseling to form a better

relationship.............

Her pain from her health problems has gotten so bad.............Some of

issues include......disabiling form of arthritis, a not supportive compassionate

husband (he's very cold), just got diagnosed with skin cancer, her bosses at

work are terrible etc... a lot of stresses...........

She does so many " loving " things for her child with ds......... she IS a

great Outstanding mother..........I do believe that she has accepted her child,

but not fully...........it's sad for her to see what other typically developing

children are doing and she's worried about the future. She's very worried and

scared.

Having her " only child " have a disability must be very hard on

anyone..............when you have more than one child and other typically

developing

children I think it's easier for parents to accept. Just my

opinion..............But,

again it comes back to..........having a caring, compassionate husband would

definently help.......I think if he was different things would be

different...........

it's just " at times " she grieves and is sad of things.......

It would be nice if she had a nice supportive husband to help her through

things (give her a hug once in a while)..........not just ignore her and not

help

..................verbal abuse at times can be overwhelming....

How would you feel if you had a NOT supportive rude husband???

Plus health problems of your own

I just thought maybe some of you had some " positive " advice for me to give

her.........

Not to just " bash " the mother...........

Basically what I wanted to know is if anybody has ever used a psycologist to

help with some of the sad grieving feelings? should she request a certain

" type " of physicologist?

What things has helped you cope and accept?

Have any of you been sad and grieve for a long period of time?

I just want her to get the help that she needs...........

any supportive advice would be helpful............

thanks

Stefanie

[Guest guest]

Stefanie,

This letter explains a lot more of the situation -

Personally I feel she would benefit greatly from a 'mum's' group that get

together for chats. I am part of such a group we first meet when our

children where about 3 yo, the phycologist with the centre we attended

organised this group, and about 6 of the original group still meet with a

few extras who have joined us over the years. We have continued with lunch

once a month over the years, generally we talk about nothing in particular

but we are a great support when dealing with services and family members.

In some ways very similar to this group, the difference being we know each

other on a personal basis.

Sometimes it isn't the 'experts' that are the greatest help but others who

are in thesame/similar position.

I will never forget when one of our Mum's younger daughter was in hospital

with leukaemia - she had many friends visit and got lots of sympathy and no

understanding from these people when talking about hospital

services/doctors etc. Then came a visit from our lunch group - she was

able to let go with her frustrations with staff and we knew where she was

coming from, no misguided sympathy just complete understanding. Now I do

hope this paragraph has come across the way it is meant to - not sure that

putting this into writing (that is by me) that my meaning will come across.

Keep smiling

Jan, mother of Trent 20yo w/DS from the Land DownUnder