/ was: Debbi (from Joy)

[Guest guest]

wrote: Sorry I offended you. For the record, you are the first person to ever complain about one of my posts. (Deb, you've dealt with this before...how do you do it? I'm pretty upset).

D, I used to get pretty upset about it too when people would attack me for trying to offer help/support/information. Esp. since the purpose of your original email is to help people (which is supposed to be a feel-good kind of thing), when something like this happens you feel completely blind-sided by it, like a sucker-punch to the gut that knocks the wind outta you.

I know I'm kinda the resident "board joke" because of how very detailed and long and technical (and boring) my posts tend to be, but it's specifically BECAUSE of the potential for misunderstandings and hurt feelings that I write such detailed messages most of the time. Everyone has different language and reading skills, plus we have people here for whom English is not their native language, plus you can't "hear" the tone of a message when it's written (snotty or joking or just sarcastic nature, etc) and we have cultural and regional differences on top of all that, so I try to explain everything to the "n"th degree so as to prevent as many misunderstandings as possible. Ironically enough, I also get slammed from time to time (not including the joking references to it, like how Maggie just "jabbed" me all in fun about "can you believe she forgot something?") specifically BECAUSE I write long, detailed posts! I just can't win, can I????

Anyway, what I try to do when something like this comes up is I go back and read my original message, trying to see (read) exactly what it was that I said that caused the other person to feel the need to attack back. (I also go back to the beginning of the whole topic, if applicable, to see if something that I wrote "fed off" something that was located earlier in the discussion, leading to a misinterpretation of my comments.) I try to be as objective as possible when reviewing my allegedly offensive comments, trying to see where it all went pear-shaped when the other person read it. Sometimes I'll even forward the message to someone else to ask their view on it.... changing the emphasis on a word in a sentence can make it come across differently (tone), but since I never *intended* it to sound like that in the first place, I have trouble even seeing the possibility of it being interpreted any other way sometimes -- I "hear" what I meant every time I read it b/c that's what is planted in my head already.

If I can tell what it was that might have been misinterpreted, I try to clarify it in another message, responding to the offended party by saying "when I said X, what I meant was ______________________". I tried to do that in this case, by pointing out exactly WHAT/WHEN you were referring to as "gloom and doom" (which in this case you were referencing posts from a year ago, when you joined the group, not the messages that were just posted this week). My hope is that with clarification of the fact that offense was neither implied nor intended, in addition to a better explanation of what I was REALLY trying to say, the person who was offended can see that no harm was intended and that it really was written to say something different than what they ended up seeing the first time they read it. In a perfect world, they can say "oh, sorry, I didn't see it that way at first, but now I can see what you meant to say when you wrote that!" and I can say, "that's okay, I'm just glad we were able to straighten out the confusion" and everyone goes along their merry way.

If when I re-read my message I still haven't a clue as to what it was that I said that caused offense, I will simply reply back asking them "what exactly was it that I said that upset you? it certainly wasn't my intention to offend anyone, and I can't see what it was that was misinterpreted, and I'd like to be able to clear this up!"

If I've taken these steps and explained and re-explained what I said and the person STILL is offended, then I just have to let it drop. *I* know that I meant no harm, and at this point I've done a good job of explaining to everyone on the board exactly what I meant in my message (and in many cases others have chimed in saying they understood my end of the discussion, so that I know at least SOMEone "gets" what I'm trying to say and it isn't just me that's incapable of getting a point across). If I've done the best I can do and the other person still isn't happy, then I have to accept that I can't make all of the people happy all of the time, and it isn't my responsibility to make sure everyone in the world is happy. I tried my best, and that's the best I can do and that's the most I can expect of myself. If the other person wants to be upset, that's up to them and it's not my problem.

If I'm really upset over a personal attack, I generally discuss it off-list with another member (or members) of the group. I'm a very social person, and it's a natural thing for me to turn to friends for emotional support/venting. Getting objective feedback from friends who saw the whole thing go down (and who agree that I did all I could to explain my position but the person continues to take offense) just reinforces my belief that the person who refuses to be mollified just enjoys being unhappy, and there's nothing anyone can do about that. Some people are just that way, and it's just one of those quirky things about the human race. You can't please all of the people all of the time....

So anyway, that's how I try to handle these things. I explain that no offense was intended and try to restate my position using different words so the other party can get a "feel" for my intentions. If that's not enough, I seek feedback from some people in the group who I trust whose opinions I respect to see if they have any ideas for how I could say it any better. If even that fails, then I say a little prayer that the other party is able to find some peace, and I let it go and turn my energies towards those who want to hear what I have to say.

I know in my heart that my intentions were pure, and I have to let that be enough. The people in this group mean so much to me that I just let the issue go rather than allowing the hurt keep me from continuing to participate in the board.

I hope that helps..... and I'm sorry it had to happen to you, too! I've never seen you be anything but supportive, and quite honestly I was shocked that this even came up as an issue!Deb