Re: Re: it's not jeopardy

[Guest guest]

Hi Jeroen, fab - it takes time i know and understand, but if we can teach our children this attitiude, they will find it easier. Im sure my experience was easier than that of our previous generation. Thanks for your comments, lets keep talking. clare jeroenkleinen <jeroen.kleinen@...> wrote: Hi Clare,Great words. I find it really reassuring to read your comment. I feel more or less the same way. When people ask me in a nice way what is wrong with my eyes, I offer them an explanation. People who are rude can't hurt me anymore. I just don't need to have anything to do with them and indeed just smile. But I nearly never get a rude comment. In my opinion we can't and we should not neglect the fact that we look different. It's OK. People

respect us for who we are and not for what we look like. I try to raise my own son with not to many complexes. I don't want him to have a negative attitude towards non-BPES'ers. Most people are wonderfull. I always hear that after a while people don't notice anymore that my eyes are different. This, for me, proofs that it's not about the way we look but about the way we are. I look different and people can ask I don't care (anymore). Hope to read moreJeroen> > WOW! You've got a big heart, to offer up an explanation to people who even have the nerve to ask you about Aedan's eyes, my hats off to you.> First - you owe no one an explanation about your child's eyes or nose or feet and to even take the time to explain any reason for them is detrimental to Aedan and your self.> That's why he needs a machine to stop the idiots from asking mommy stupid questions, he feels embarrassed and he is very aware of what's going on.> If you continue to address questions about his eyes he will withdraw and not enjoy being in your presence in public, we all go through the idiot questions sometimes it's better to walk away

..> Second - every thing he believes in will come from you, the stronger you are the stronger he will become your only as strong as your weakest link. > Third - explaining to him in a manner a child can understand about his eyes and the need for surgery and then ending this cycle of explanations and excuses to stupid people who have no right to even think they can ask.> Finally (when you can't walk away) learn to divert stupid questions especially if your son is in your presence, if the lady at the check out counter asks about your son's eyes ask her (how much was that).> She will get the message. > > I'm sorry if I sound a little upset, I remember how much I hated being with my mother in public. Every time I started feeling good about my self some idiot would ask about my eyes and I became embarrassed when she

started giving reasons.> I was comfortable with my eyes, it gave the impression she was not!> My father always had his mean face on in public no one asked him anything and if someone dared to ask, he would ask them ("is that any of your business").> So guess who made me feel good about my self and who I enjoyed being in public with.> > > ---------------------------------> Brings words and photos together (easily) with> PhotoMail - it's free and works with . > >

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Hi , its Clare. I hope you are all well and Kirsten leg is better too. Just read your mail to Min about teasing and stuff - here, here. I had an incident in school when Emy moved into the 3rd year (into juniors - age 8). Im stil not sure how but the headteacher got involved and so did her class teacher - I think it was because emy felt the situation was too big for her to deal with. To cut a really long story short, it was sorted and I offered to go in with emy and talk to the class about what it was and why we looked slightly different etc etc. We have not had hardly any teasing let along questioning ever since in school. The reason for all of this is because it was as you say the 'team' of people placed in the school, me and emy that made this form of action work, with all of us working together certainly made the whole situation easier. Also to say I completely

agree with you, this form of open discussion can only be for the good. Take care clare xx <parsonsfamily108@...> wrote: Hi MinKirsten is 3yrs now and has been in 4 nursery schools/ daycare since she was born because we have moved so often due to my husbands job. In my experience she has never been been teased by the other kids. She had her sling surgery at 2 (relatively later than some). Initially she gets stares and the odd pointing from the older kids (5 yrs and up), but that soon stops as they get to know her. I find that the questions come from the parents and I give them a short explanation. Most parents have been concerned that she can't see. Her brother is 7 yrs old and recently one of his

friends said she looks chinese and he asked if her eyes will ever be normal. I just said that she was born with small eyes and yes, they will eventually look normal and he accepted that and didn't mention her eyes again. I still get caught off-guard when a question/ comment pops up and I haven't worked a standard answer - is there ever one?So to give my opinion on your question about a pre-emptive strike against teasing, I would say that at 2yrs it is unnecessary to say anything to the kids as a group. It may be useful at 5yrs or older if she were being teased. Your point has given me food for thought and if I were to say anything to Kirsten's group, I would be present with the teacher in the classroom setting, make the explanation short and simple and answer questions. It would be a good opportunity for the children to discuss anti-bullying and even bring up their own issues. To tackle bullying successfully I feel

you need the support of the school as well as the parent. If you were to address her class don't stand on a soap box on your own, have the teacher and even head-teacher next to you. I hope I am not faced with this predicament in the future, but to be honest I am expecting it. Regards P> >> > > > WOW! You've got a big heart, to offer up an explanation to > people who

even have the nerve to ask you about Aedan's eyes, my > hats off to you.> > First - you owe no one an explanation about your child's eyes or > nose or feet and to even take the time to explain any reason for > them is detrimental to Aedan and your self.> > That's why he needs a machine to stop the idiots from asking > mommy stupid questions, he feels embarrassed and he is very aware of > what's going on.> > If you continue to address questions about his eyes he will > withdraw and not enjoy being in your presence in public, we all go > through the idiot questions sometimes it's better to walk away .> > Second - every thing he believes in will come from you, the > stronger you are the stronger he will become your only as strong as > your weakest link. > > Third - explaining to him in a manner a child

can understand > about his eyes and the need for surgery and then ending this cycle > of explanations and excuses to stupid people who have no right to > even think they can ask.> > Finally (when you can't walk away) learn to divert stupid > questions especially if your son is in your presence, if the lady at > the check out counter asks about your son's eyes ask her (how much > was that).> > She will get the message. > > > > I'm sorry if I sound a little upset, I remember how much I hated > being with my mother in public. Every time I started feeling good > about my self some idiot would ask about my eyes and I became > embarrassed when she started giving reasons.> > I was comfortable with my eyes, it gave the impression she was > not!> > My father always

had his mean face on in public no one asked him > anything and if someone dared to ask, he would ask them ("is that > any of your business").> > So guess who made me feel good about my self and who I enjoyed > being in public with.> > > > > > > > ---------------------------------> > Brings words and photos together (easily) with> > PhotoMail - it's free and works with .> >>

Use Photomail to share photos without annoying attachments.

[Guest guest]

I had IM'd Min a few days ago regarding her question

about preschool. Our experience is a little different

as Micah started preschool while he was still in Korea

and before his surgery. In one of the videos of him

from our adoption agency the social workers are

speaking with his foster mom and mention they took him

out of preschool (he was 2 1/2 at the time) because

the other kids were teasing him and he did not want to

go. I went back and watched the tape again and they

said, " Although the children were not verbally teasing

him they were coming up and 'pinching' at his eyes and

he did not like it " .

Micah started preschool here in January and loves it.

The kids have not said anything about his eyes. But

we really do have a different situation I think in

that no one can tell he has BPES. When I mention to

someone he needs his sunglasses for example they ask

why and when I tell them about BPES they are always

surprised. I don't know if this will always be the

case for him - but for right now we just don't get

questions about his eyes.

What we do get questions about is our kids being

adopted. And I do go in to preschool on our kids'

" Gotcha Day " (the day they came home to their forever

family) and take cupcakes and celebrate it just like a

bday at school while I talk to the class about what

adoption is. We have found this works GREAT! The

other kids are always so jealous our kids get a

birthday party AND a gotcha day party every year.

LOL! And it gives them the opportunity to learn about

adoption, why our kids don't look like us, etc. And

that has helped a LOT with our kids not being teased

or questioned at school. If it's all out in the open

and something we celebrate it doesn't give a lot of

reason for teasing.

So, I told Min I would talk to the school/class. And

equipping our kids with how to answer questions is so

important. We all know kids will be teased no matter

what it is that makes them different. As parents we

just have to try as hard as we can to prepare them and

to make sure they know how great they really are.

April

--- bethgordon03 <bethgordon03@...> wrote:

> I have been reading your posts and I worry so much

> about my daughter.

> She is only 18 months. Right now people ask

> sometimes, but I explain

> it, she doesn't know. Why I worry is because, when I

> was a child, the

> constant questioning and explaining, it made me feel

> bad about

> myself. I am sure it made me stay in my " safety

> zones " I remember how

> relieved I felt after high school! I can't say I got

> teased much,

> just seemed I had to explain too often, it gets old.

> Now with my

> daughter, many times we are enjoying ourselves,

> having fun, and

> someone will ask " what's wrong with her eyes " or I

> love this one " can

> she see at all " This strikes me as odd because she

> is running around

> and into everything... I guess I just don't see what

> others do.

>

> That's how it is for me. I feel fine, I think I am

> accepted, then

> ultimately, something will happen and remind me,

> that maybe I am not

> accepted. I so don't want this for Lily. What can I

> do?

>

> Friends say well people are just curious it's not

> meant to be

> hurtful. Of course I know that but it just makes you

> feel so

> conspicuous.

>

>

> > >

> > > This is a fabulous conversation! I'm catching up

> on my reading

> and

> > > just can't seem to shut my laptop off!

> > >

> > > I have a question to the group and those who are

> experienced with

> > > kids with BPES and school. Do you think a

> pre-emptive strike

> > > against the teasing in school is helpful to the

> children or

> > > harmful? I have a soon to be a 2 yr (Jasmine)

> who will attend

> > > preschool this fall. I'm not too worried about

> teasing in

> > > preschool, but do worry when she will attend

> kindergarden. Of

> > > course by this time she will have her first

> surgery.

> > > I also agree about not making such a big deal

> out of her eyes,

> but

> > I

> > > do plan on educating her on BPES and how to

> handle the idiots out

> > > there. But do you think speaking to her future

> classmates about

> > > BPES goes against this thought?

> > >

> > > I would love to learn about other's experiences.

> I've been

> teased

> > > in school which my parents didn't do anything

> about it; nor

> > educated

> > > me on my eyes, nor gave me the confidence I

> needed to face the

> > cruel

> > > words. But over the years, I've learned to gain

> this confidence

> > on

> > > my own and vow to instill it into Jasmine.

> > >

> > > Each time I go and read the entries in this

> group, I get more and

> > > more impressed with the diversity of this " rare "

> disorder. This

> > > group proves that what is considered rare may no

> longer

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