Re: support for

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Welcome to Feisties! Our members have been through what your partner

is about to go through and I'm sure we can be of help and support to

both of you.

First, I think it's very important for you to understand that you

are already doing the exact right things for your partner. By

listening to her, holding her hand, and so on, you're showing her

she's not alone and she's loved. That's all you really can do - and

it's a wonderful gift. I know she appreciates it - even though she

must seem caught up in her fear and anxiety.

I remember breaking down a week or so prior to my own revision

surgery in 2003. I had burnt my hand while draining spaghetti and I

ended up taking a pain killer that, well, loosened me up. I started

crying and crying - but not about the burn - I was crying because I

was so scared my surgery would make me worse off than I was and that

I wouldn't be able to have a life and that I would forever be a

burden to my husband.

It's good that your partner feels safe and loved enough by you to

reveal her fears and worries. And it's wonderful that you listened -

and with patience and compassion. This is a good thing even though

the situation sucks.

My husband told me a year after my surgery that he had been very

lonely during my ordeal. He wished he had reached out for support

from friends and family. So it's pretty clear to me that the partner

of the person who is about to have surgery is just as affected as

the patient.

In retrospect, mu husband wishes he has asked people to visit him,

take him out to eat, and distract and support him while I was in the

hospital (for 3 weeks). I would suggest, then, that you prepare for

your own possible loneliness and line up a team of one or many to

spend time with you while your partner is in the hospital.

Also, I strongly recommend that your partner insists she be sent

home with morphine tabs rather than less potent medication. Others

may disagree with me, but I feel it was worth getting 'addicted' -

because I had no pain while recovering and I think that that helped

me recover faster. You and she might have to make a fuss - the

hospital may want her to go home with Percocet or another codeine-

based medication, but she might suffer if she accepts this decision.

After a month or two or three, when it's time to come off the

morphine, she can work with the surgeon's pain management team to

switch to Percocet or another less-potent med and then to a non-

narcotic. At least that was my experience.

Further, although everyone's different, I can tell you that even

during the first week at home I was able to walk a little in my

house and go up and down stairs. I could shower by myself using a

shower chair. I dressed myself in simple pull-on pants and button-

down shirts so I didn't have to bend or lift my arms up. I wore

backless sneakers so I didn't have to bend to put on shoes. I had a

grabber if I dropped anything.

I could sit - briefly - at the kitchen table within a week or two. I

couldn't prepare my own meals, though, and my husband was also very

helpful in terms of laying out my meds and making sure I took them

on time. We had hired someone to prepare dinners for us so that he

only needed to heat them up when he came home from work.

The morphine kept me out of pain, but also made me sleepy, so I

spent my first month mostly watching TV, eating and sleeping. My

husband took a week off from work, but conceivably I could have

managed without thim if he had set me up with lunch, snacks and my

meds before leaving in the morning.

After a few weeks a PT came to assess my progress and gave me the OK

to begin physical therapy. I requested warm-water pool therapy as

there was a rehab center nearby that had a therapy pool. It's really

the BEST way to recover from surgery because the water keeps you

bouyant, takes pressure off the spine, and actually has a small

traction effect - meaning it stretches out muscles and joints. I

highly recommend it.

Well, I'll end my recovery story here. I hope some of this has been

helpful. I hope you've been reassured that you're doing the best you

can for your partner (and though it doesn't seem like much, it's

EVERYTHING), and that you need your own support during this medical

crisis. You two will get through this - it won't be fun - but your

lives will return to 'normal' in the long run. Plus, you've chosen

an excellent surgeon and he knows what he's doing.

Best of luck. Please write again!

Andy

Concord MA)

>

> Hello Everyone!

>

> Well, I joined this group becuase my partner of 5 years is getting

> ready to have Revision surgery with Dr Rand in Boston, MA and we

> both joined to get support and information in what she was about

to

> go through.

>

> We moved up here from Florida almost two years ago. She has quit

> smoking, seen Dr Rand a few times, gone through a mylegram, and

> other tests and she set a surgery date with Dr Rand for October

> 10th. Since then, it has been a rollercoaster ride to say the

least.

>

> She has been up and down so much. It was like everything she was

> going through (pain, dr appts, etc) has been surreal and when she

> got the letter in the mail from his office the other day

confirming

> everything, she broke down and emotionally lost it. It was like

that

> letter made it all real in her mind she was really going through

> this all over again. (Her first Harrington Rod surgery was in 1979)

>

> It has been a long hard road on both of us, and sometimes she

feels

> so alone because I just cant understand it all and A LOT of times

I

> feel alone because I dont understand it all and I dont know what I

> can do to help her. I will always be there to listen, hold her

hand,

> rub her back and do what ever she needs me to do. But there have

> been many MANY times that I cry my whole way to work (a 20 minute

> ride) because I feel like I cant do enough and no one understands

> what I am going through being there but feeling like my hands are

> tied most of the time.

>

> I know most of you are going through what she is and some may

> actually be in worse shape then she is. Her surgery is going to be

> done in 1 12-15 hour surgery from L4-S1 with Pelvic Implants. We

> have 1 last meeting with Rand at the end of August and then her

> prescreening on Sept 19th.

>

> Anyway, I guess what my issues are, is I am wondering what else we

> can do to make her more comfortable. We went to his fusion class

> (which was just bad for her because she was the worst case

scenario

> and we both could see everyone looking at her like she was walking

> to her death sentence). We have a lot of questions to ask him and

> the prescreening people. One thing I was wondering, Rand's

response

> about me needing to be home with her after surgery was that all I

> have to do is leave everything on counter level before I go to

work.

> Can someone answer me that has been through this HOW REALISTIC IS

> THAT??? (Oh, and he also stated that she will be able to walk up

the

> flight of stairs to our bedrooms or should we set up a bedroom for

> her downstairs??)

>

> Anyway, I am scared, I know she is scared and is there anyone else

> here who is supporting there loved one through this that might be

> able to give me advice or has been through this already that can

> give me advice on what I can do to make this easier for her. I

just

> dont know what to expect after her surgery and what else I will be

> able to do to help her before and after her surgery.

>

> Thanks for all your help and my prayers are out to all of you

going

> through this. You are all very strong and couragous people and are

> in my thoughts.

>

> M.

> Lawrence, MA

>