frustrated with family (a long rant)

[Guest guest]

Hi y'all,

My meds are still working great... I just have to get the Ambien

refilled so that I can sleep normally again. But my family is driving

me up a tree. A few years back I got tired of making up stories and

keeping up appearances so I started telling my family the truth when

they asked me questions. But they really can't handle the truth. I

keep trying to explain it to them but they just don't get it.

Everyone who's professionally involved in my case right now agrees

that the depression is purely chemical at this point. And we also all

agree that the depression has been getting steadily worse over the

course of my lifetime, which is why we've been trying different med

combos to get it back under control. But my family never saw the

depression because I was so good at hiding it. This is because I've

done all the things that were expected of me and done them well, but

it took more time and effort and energy than it takes the average

person because I had to fight against the depression the whole time.

This is the first time I've had a severely depressive episode where I

couldn't find ways to pretend that everything was okay. It's the

first time I've had a depressive episode without any money in the bank

to support myself. (I just got out of school and being in school full

time sucked up all my savings.) So this time around I've actually had

to ask my parents for money for the first time since I turned 18. So

on top of me being honest about the severity of my problems, they're

more involved this time because they're helping to keep my head above

water until I find a job. But more involved does not mean more

understanding.

No one in my family understands depression, even though I try to

explain it to them. It's like they don't believe I could be right.

You would think I was still 12 or something, instead of a licensed

professional. They keep saying that I'm bringing this on myself, and

that I just need to snap out of it, and that they get depressed too

but they still get out of bed every day. The people in my family do

have issues, but they do not suffer from major depression. Disthymia

yes. Depression no. When I have disthymia I can get out of bed, too.

But I don't have disthymia right now. I have depression.

My family also doesn't understand why I would need to see a

psychiartist once a month and a therapist weekly. They still think

that I'm going to a therapist for childhood issues, even though I've

said repeatedly that's not what I'm working on because I've already

dealt with that crap. I remind them that I dealt with that stuff in

therapy a long time ago, when they didn't even know I was going to

therapy. I remind them that I like my life, but that chemically I'm

really messed up so I can't enjoy my life, even though I have a lot of

good things going for me. They just don't get it. I swear, if I was

still dealing with childhood issues there's no way I would have

allowed myself to go to grad school yet. They keep telling me that I

should drop therapy for now because I don't need it and I can't afford

it. I try to use the analogy of a medical doctor still needing to go

see a doctor when he has problems, but they don't agree. They think

it's messed up that a therapist would need to see a therapist. I keep

telling them that most therapists have a therapist of their own, that

for clinical psychology grad students it's actually required, but they

don't believe me. I've only been in the mental health field since I

started college, why in the world would I know what I'm talking about??

I can't drop therapy. I do need it. Because now that the crisis crap

is over with I can work on the other stuff I wanted to work on to make

me a more well-rounded person. And, I believe that therapy is a good

way to make sure that my issues stay my issues and don't accidentally

get in the way of treating other people. It's a part of the

self-awareness that is so important when providing therapy to others.

They also insist that I could get my psych meds from a medical doctor

and that it would be cheaper. Yes, technically I could, but I don't

have insurance right now. A visit to the medical doctor would cost

more than the clinic I go to right now. And I have very strong

opinions about medical doctors dispensing psychotropic meds. I

believe that they shouldn't do it, because the way the medical system

is set up in the States, doctors do not have the time to see patients

once per month to make sure the meds are working. Plus there are so

many psychotropic meds out there and so many mental health problems

that there's no way a medical doctor can know all about them, since

they have to spend so much time keeping up to date about advances in

treating physical ailments. But a psychiatrist spends their whole

time doing nothing but keeping up to date on mental health issues and

meds. Of course, according to my family I don't know what I'm talking

about there, either. No, I've only spent the majority of my working

life working in facilities alongside psychiatrists. Why should I know

what I'm talking about?

My family is over-involved in my life now that I live closer to them.

They keep forgetting that I've spent years and years taking care of

myself and that I have experience in dealing with my depression. I'm

pretty darn independent. I don't appreciate the meddling, especially

when they don't know what they're talking about. And all the

complaining about having to help me out financially for a few measly

months is getting on my nerves, too. I didn't ask for a dime for

college or grad school. Now I'm asking to borrow money. Borrow, not

take forever. And they're acting like I'm such a terrible person for

asking. That I'm so lazy for not having a job yet. Blah Blah Blah.

And they go on and on and on. They never have anything new to talk

about. And they wonder why I don't call them.

Yeah I'm really upset by them right now and I had to get that off my

chest. For anyone who read this far down, thanks for listening!

Jen

[Guest guest]

Jeeze Jen, do we come from the same family ? Your family sounds like my family.

They are in denial about lots of stuff, but mainly, they are in denial about my

reality. . My mother (who is now deceased) used to invalidate me by telling me

that I had nothing to be depressed about. (My mother was dual diagnosis....

[mentally ill and an alcoholic] when I was growing up and she severely abused me

physically, mentally and emotionally.) She was always good at telling me that

my depression was " all in my head " and that I wasn't really depressed. I

finally depersonalized it by explaining that depression is a medical condition

and a chemical imbalance like diabetes and high blood pressure, and that meds

have to be taken to treat those conditions. 20 million diabetics would love to

not have to stick a needle into themselves however many times a day, but they

have to in order to stay alive. Same thing with psych meds. I just let them

have their reality about me while I know the truth about me. If my family needs

to stay in denial about my reality, in order to keep from looking at their own

lives and their own depression/alcoholism that's their problem.They are all

alcoholics and it's hard for me to deal with them because I am a recovering

alcoholic myself. It's hard when you have to borrow money...it keeps you

connected to the family dysfunction whether you want to be or not. My parents

used to help me once in a while, but there was always a big fish hook at the

other end of that check. I stopped asking for money from them because they

turned it into a big martyrdom thing. Like you, I have a dysthymic disorder and

I know it's hell sometimes. Fortunately, I'm on a good medication regieme that

seems to be evening out the mood swings.

Sue C.

frustrated with family (a long rant)

Hi y'all,

My meds are still working great... I just have to get the Ambien

refilled so that I can sleep normally again. But my family is driving

me up a tree. A few years back I got tired of making up stories and

keeping up appearances so I started telling my family the truth when

they asked me questions. But they really can't handle the truth. I

keep trying to explain it to them but they just don't get it.

Everyone who's professionally involved in my case right now agrees

that the depression is purely chemical at this point. And we also all

agree that the depression has been getting steadily worse over the

course of my lifetime, which is why we've been trying different med

combos to get it back under control. But my family never saw the

depression because I was so good at hiding it. This is because I've

done all the things that were expected of me and done them well, but

it took more time and effort and energy than it takes the average

person because I had to fight against the depression the whole time.

This is the first time I've had a severely depressive episode where I

couldn't find ways to pretend that everything was okay. It's the

first time I've had a depressive episode without any money in the bank

to support myself. (I just got out of school and being in school full

time sucked up all my savings.) So this time around I've actually had

to ask my parents for money for the first time since I turned 18. So

on top of me being honest about the severity of my problems, they're

more involved this time because they're helping to keep my head above

water until I find a job. But more involved does not mean more

understanding.

No one in my family understands depression, even though I try to

explain it to them. It's like they don't believe I could be right.

You would think I was still 12 or something, instead of a licensed

professional. They keep saying that I'm bringing this on myself, and

that I just need to snap out of it, and that they get depressed too

but they still get out of bed every day. The people in my family do

have issues, but they do not suffer from major depression. Disthymia

yes. Depression no. When I have disthymia I can get out of bed, too.

But I don't have disthymia right now. I have depression.

My family also doesn't understand why I would need to see a

psychiartist once a month and a therapist weekly. They still think

that I'm going to a therapist for childhood issues, even though I've

said repeatedly that's not what I'm working on because I've already

dealt with that crap. I remind them that I dealt with that stuff in

therapy a long time ago, when they didn't even know I was going to

therapy. I remind them that I like my life, but that chemically I'm

really messed up so I can't enjoy my life, even though I have a lot of

good things going for me. They just don't get it. I swear, if I was

still dealing with childhood issues there's no way I would have

allowed myself to go to grad school yet. They keep telling me that I

should drop therapy for now because I don't need it and I can't afford

it. I try to use the analogy of a medical doctor still needing to go

see a doctor when he has problems, but they don't agree. They think

it's messed up that a therapist would need to see a therapist. I keep

telling them that most therapists have a therapist of their own, that

for clinical psychology grad students it's actually required, but they

don't believe me. I've only been in the mental health field since I

started college, why in the world would I know what I'm talking about??

I can't drop therapy. I do need it. Because now that the crisis crap

is over with I can work on the other stuff I wanted to work on to make

me a more well-rounded person. And, I believe that therapy is a good

way to make sure that my issues stay my issues and don't accidentally

get in the way of treating other people. It's a part of the

self-awareness that is so important when providing therapy to others.

They also insist that I could get my psych meds from a medical doctor

and that it would be cheaper. Yes, technically I could, but I don't

have insurance right now. A visit to the medical doctor would cost

more than the clinic I go to right now. And I have very strong

opinions about medical doctors dispensing psychotropic meds. I

believe that they shouldn't do it, because the way the medical system

is set up in the States, doctors do not have the time to see patients

once per month to make sure the meds are working. Plus there are so

many psychotropic meds out there and so many mental health problems

that there's no way a medical doctor can know all about them, since

they have to spend so much time keeping up to date about advances in

treating physical ailments. But a psychiatrist spends their whole

time doing nothing but keeping up to date on mental health issues and

meds. Of course, according to my family I don't know what I'm talking

about there, either. No, I've only spent the majority of my working

life working in facilities alongside psychiatrists. Why should I know

what I'm talking about?

My family is over-involved in my life now that I live closer to them.

They keep forgetting that I've spent years and years taking care of

myself and that I have experience in dealing with my depression. I'm

pretty darn independent. I don't appreciate the meddling, especially

when they don't know what they're talking about. And all the

complaining about having to help me out financially for a few measly

months is getting on my nerves, too. I didn't ask for a dime for

college or grad school. Now I'm asking to borrow money. Borrow, not

take forever. And they're acting like I'm such a terrible person for

asking. That I'm so lazy for not having a job yet. Blah Blah Blah.

And they go on and on and on. They never have anything new to talk

about. And they wonder why I don't call them.

Yeah I'm really upset by them right now and I had to get that off my

chest. For anyone who read this far down, thanks for listening!

Jen

[Guest guest]

Jen, I did read it ALL and I wish I could be there for

you in person to reassure you that the steps you are

taking to get better despite the family stress is

nothing short of being very admirable and courageous.

I don't have a family like you do as, except for my

brother, they are all dead. They, too, for the most

part, were very dysfunctional and not too supportive

in different areas. My mom was (i believe) depressed

but my dad's answer was to literally try to slap her

out of it. Of course that didn't work. I believe I've

lived with depression since I was a child but like you

I hid it well and it was easy because my parents were

so involved with my brother and their own stuff that I

didn't get much attention. I also had and still have

some kind of learning disorder that was never dealt

with while I was growing up. I really don't know what

is the best way for me to learn. Some things go in one

ear and out the other.

I think that maybe any of several reasons family

members can't deal with the truth about mental

challenges like depression is because either they

never experienced it, they think it's contageous, they

take it personally that maybe they failed you somehow

and that is unacceptable, they live in a fantasy world

that none of their family members could be mentally

sick because it's just not socially acceptable or they

can't accept the fact that you are not perfect and

that they need to fix you. The sad part is that they

can't fix and they can't deal with that. They probably

fixed a lot of things for you in your life and if they

can't fix it then it either doesn't exist or they

refuse to let it exist.

I may not be a therapist but I can listen with my eyes

and pray for you as well as support you the best I

can. Don't let THEIR hangups stop you from moving on

and getting better. Who knows, maybe some day one of

them will come out of the emotional closet and

actually ask you for help. If you can't afford therapy

& counseling, tell the facilitators and ask them what

to do.

Disthymia-what is that? Something like just the blues

that you can snap out of with comfort food or

something

As far as I'm concerned I'll read your emails no

matter how long they are. I just may not comment on

all of them.

By the way, I really hate it when people hold your use

of any money borrowed over a persons head and try to

control that usage. I sure hope you get a job soon so

that you can get your independence back again.

ak

--- Jen <jenniferm32@...> wrote:

>

> Hi y'all,

>

> My meds are still working great... I just have to

> get the Ambien

> refilled so that I can sleep normally again. But my

> family is driving

> me up a tree. A few years back I got tired of

> making up stories and

> keeping up appearances so I started telling my

> family the truth when

> they asked me questions. But they really can't

> handle the truth. I

> keep trying to explain it to them but they just

> don't get it.

>

> Everyone who's professionally involved in my case

> right now agrees

> that the depression is purely chemical at this

> point. And we also all

> agree that the depression has been getting steadily

> worse over the

> course of my lifetime, which is why we've been

> trying different med

> combos to get it back under control. But my family

> never saw the

> depression because I was so good at hiding it. This

> is because I've

> done all the things that were expected of me and

> done them well, but

> it took more time and effort and energy than it

> takes the average

> person because I had to fight against the depression

> the whole time.

>

> This is the first time I've had a severely

> depressive episode where I

> couldn't find ways to pretend that everything was

> okay. It's the

> first time I've had a depressive episode without any

> money in the bank

> to support myself. (I just got out of school and

> being in school full

> time sucked up all my savings.) So this time around

> I've actually had

> to ask my parents for money for the first time since

> I turned 18. So

> on top of me being honest about the severity of my

> problems, they're

> more involved this time because they're helping to

> keep my head above

> water until I find a job. But more involved does

> not mean more

> understanding.

>

> No one in my family understands depression, even

> though I try to

> explain it to them. It's like they don't believe I

> could be right.

> You would think I was still 12 or something, instead

> of a licensed

> professional. They keep saying that I'm bringing

> this on myself, and

> that I just need to snap out of it, and that they

> get depressed too

> but they still get out of bed every day. The people

> in my family do

> have issues, but they do not suffer from major

> depression. Disthymia

> yes. Depression no. When I have disthymia I can

> get out of bed, too.

> But I don't have disthymia right now. I have

> depression.

>

> My family also doesn't understand why I would need

> to see a

> psychiartist once a month and a therapist weekly.

> They still think

> that I'm going to a therapist for childhood issues,

> even though I've

> said repeatedly that's not what I'm working on

> because I've already

> dealt with that crap. I remind them that I dealt

> with that stuff in

> therapy a long time ago, when they didn't even know

> I was going to

> therapy. I remind them that I like my life, but

> that chemically I'm

> really messed up so I can't enjoy my life, even

> though I have a lot of

> good things going for me. They just don't get it.

> I swear, if I was

> still dealing with childhood issues there's no way I

> would have

> allowed myself to go to grad school yet. They keep

> telling me that I

> should drop therapy for now because I don't need it

> and I can't afford

> it. I try to use the analogy of a medical doctor

> still needing to go

> see a doctor when he has problems, but they don't

> agree. They think

> it's messed up that a therapist would need to see a

> therapist. I keep

> telling them that most therapists have a therapist

> of their own, that

> for clinical psychology grad students it's actually

> required, but they

> don't believe me. I've only been in the mental

> health field since I

> started college, why in the world would I know what

> I'm talking about??

>

> I can't drop therapy. I do need it. Because now

> that the crisis crap

> is over with I can work on the other stuff I wanted

> to work on to make

> me a more well-rounded person. And, I believe that

> therapy is a good

> way to make sure that my issues stay my issues and

> don't accidentally

> get in the way of treating other people. It's a

> part of the

> self-awareness that is so important when providing

> therapy to others.

>

> They also insist that I could get my psych meds from

> a medical doctor

> and that it would be cheaper. Yes, technically I

> could, but I don't

> have insurance right now. A visit to the medical

> doctor would cost

> more than the clinic I go to right now. And I have

> very strong

> opinions about medical doctors dispensing

> psychotropic meds. I

> believe that they shouldn't do it, because the way

> the medical system

> is set up in the States, doctors do not have the

> time to see patients

> once per month to make sure the meds are working.

> Plus there are so

> many psychotropic meds out there and so many mental

> health problems

> that there's no way a medical doctor can know all

> about them, since

> they have to spend so much time keeping up to date

> about advances in

> treating physical ailments. But a psychiatrist

> spends their whole

> time doing nothing but keeping up to date on mental

> health issues and

> meds. Of course, according to my family I don't

> know what I'm talking

> about there, either. No, I've only spent the

> majority of my working

> life working in facilities alongside psychiatrists.

> Why should I know

> what I'm talking about?

>

> My family is over-involved in my life now that I

> live closer to them.

> They keep forgetting that I've spent years and

> years taking care of

> myself and that I have experience in dealing with my

> depression. I'm

> pretty darn independent. I don't appreciate the

> meddling, especially

> when they don't know what they're talking about.

> And all the

> complaining about having to help me out financially

> for a few measly

> months is getting on my nerves, too. I didn't ask

> for a dime for

> college or grad school. Now I'm asking to borrow

> money. Borrow, not

> take forever. And they're acting like I'm such a

> terrible person for

> asking. That I'm so lazy for not having a job yet.

> Blah Blah Blah.

> And they go on and on and on. They never have

> anything new to talk

> about. And they wonder why I don't call them.

>

> Yeah I'm really upset by them right now and I had to

> get that off my

> chest. For anyone who read this far down, thanks

> for listening!

>

> Jen

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

i also am frustrated....... by my limited time at this cyber cafe to read and

respond to your post.

i SHOULD feel lucky that my family IS understanding.........

.......... and I DO think it is a SHAME that people who have NO IDEA what you are

going through , (as far as deep depression goes.....)

tell you to just " snap out of it " ....by yourself...with no therapy or

medication..............!!!

I DO know what you are going through !!!

......a lifetime (i'm 49) of going in an out of suicidal depression, due to being

bipolar, is FINALLY under control, mainly thanks to trileptal and seroquel,

(although my " manic " episodes DO continue in all honesty.)

not to insult your parents, Jen, but it is IGNORANCE....and that ignorance,

sadly, is widespread.........

I experienced it with my regular M.D. once, when a misunderstanding caused by

my severe OCD symptoms I was having at the time....led him to become FURIOUS

with me........(and he suggested I even switch to a different M.D. !!!)

So at a time when I needed re-assurance that I hadn't been " contaminated " I got

ANGER as a RESPONSE to my ILLNESS..............

.........and from a MEDICAL PROFFESSIONAL, no less !!!

(who KNEW I had OCD !!!)

also ....along those lines......you ARE better off with a psychiatrist, or a

therapist (who can give you a letter suggesting treatment) to give to an M.D.

an M.D. ON HIS OWN is very often unlikely, (because of liability

issues) to give you the medications you REALLY NEED..........tony.

tony.

---------------------------------

Get your email and more, right on the new .com

[Guest guest]

Big hug of comfort and understanding for you from me. Wow. It can be so

difficult and it's not like you don't have enough to deal with already.

Sometimes it comes down to tuning everyone out and just keep on doing what *you*

need to do to be as happy and healthy as you can be. Next time someone asks a

question ask them if they *really* want to know. ;-)

Barbara

frustrated with family (a long rant)

Hi y'all,

My meds are still working great... I just have to get the Ambien

refilled so that I can sleep normally again. But my family is driving

me up a tree. A few years back I got tired of making up stories and

keeping up appearances so I started telling my family the truth when

they asked me questions. But they really can't handle the truth. I

keep trying to explain it to them but they just don't get it.

Everyone who's professionally involved in my case right now agrees

that the depression is purely chemical at this point. And we also all

agree that the depression has been getting steadily worse over the

course of my lifetime, which is why we've been trying different med

combos to get it back under control. But my family never saw the

depression because I was so good at hiding it. This is because I've

done all the things that were expected of me and done them well, but

it took more time and effort and energy than it takes the average

person because I had to fight against the depression the whole time.

This is the first time I've had a severely depressive episode where I

couldn't find ways to pretend that everything was okay. It's the

first time I've had a depressive episode without any money in the bank

to support myself. (I just got out of school and being in school full

time sucked up all my savings.) So this time around I've actually had

to ask my parents for money for the first time since I turned 18. So

on top of me being honest about the severity of my problems, they're

more involved this time because they're helping to keep my head above

water until I find a job. But more involved does not mean more

understanding.

No one in my family understands depression, even though I try to

explain it to them. It's like they don't believe I could be right.

You would think I was still 12 or something, instead of a licensed

professional. They keep saying that I'm bringing this on myself, and

that I just need to snap out of it, and that they get depressed too

but they still get out of bed every day. The people in my family do

have issues, but they do not suffer from major depression. Disthymia

yes. Depression no. When I have disthymia I can get out of bed, too.

But I don't have disthymia right now. I have depression.

My family also doesn't understand why I would need to see a

psychiartist once a month and a therapist weekly. They still think

that I'm going to a therapist for childhood issues, even though I've

said repeatedly that's not what I'm working on because I've already

dealt with that crap. I remind them that I dealt with that stuff in

therapy a long time ago, when they didn't even know I was going to

therapy. I remind them that I like my life, but that chemically I'm

really messed up so I can't enjoy my life, even though I have a lot of

good things going for me. They just don't get it. I swear, if I was

still dealing with childhood issues there's no way I would have

allowed myself to go to grad school yet. They keep telling me that I

should drop therapy for now because I don't need it and I can't afford

it. I try to use the analogy of a medical doctor still needing to go

see a doctor when he has problems, but they don't agree. They think

it's messed up that a therapist would need to see a therapist. I keep

telling them that most therapists have a therapist of their own, that

for clinical psychology grad students it's actually required, but they

don't believe me. I've only been in the mental health field since I

started college, why in the world would I know what I'm talking about??

I can't drop therapy. I do need it. Because now that the crisis crap

is over with I can work on the other stuff I wanted to work on to make

me a more well-rounded person. And, I believe that therapy is a good

way to make sure that my issues stay my issues and don't accidentally

get in the way of treating other people. It's a part of the

self-awareness that is so important when providing therapy to others.

They also insist that I could get my psych meds from a medical doctor

and that it would be cheaper. Yes, technically I could, but I don't

have insurance right now. A visit to the medical doctor would cost

more than the clinic I go to right now. And I have very strong

opinions about medical doctors dispensing psychotropic meds. I

believe that they shouldn't do it, because the way the medical system

is set up in the States, doctors do not have the time to see patients

once per month to make sure the meds are working. Plus there are so

many psychotropic meds out there and so many mental health problems

that there's no way a medical doctor can know all about them, since

they have to spend so much time keeping up to date about advances in

treating physical ailments. But a psychiatrist spends their whole

time doing nothing but keeping up to date on mental health issues and

meds. Of course, according to my family I don't know what I'm talking

about there, either. No, I've only spent the majority of my working

life working in facilities alongside psychiatrists. Why should I know

what I'm talking about?

My family is over-involved in my life now that I live closer to them.

They keep forgetting that I've spent years and years taking care of

myself and that I have experience in dealing with my depression. I'm

pretty darn independent. I don't appreciate the meddling, especially

when they don't know what they're talking about. And all the

complaining about having to help me out financially for a few measly

months is getting on my nerves, too. I didn't ask for a dime for

college or grad school. Now I'm asking to borrow money. Borrow, not

take forever. And they're acting like I'm such a terrible person for

asking. That I'm so lazy for not having a job yet. Blah Blah Blah.

And they go on and on and on. They never have anything new to talk

about. And they wonder why I don't call them.

Yeah I'm really upset by them right now and I had to get that off my

chest. For anyone who read this far down, thanks for listening!

Jen

[Guest guest]

Hi Sue. It does sound like we come from the same family! My mother

Always says " what do you have to be depressed about?? " Dual diagnosis

is rough... the hardest to treat. I can only imagine what your

childhood was like.

I use the diabetes comparison all the time, too. It works really well

for some people, but I guess my family's hard-headed. And that's

really how I look at it, the same way as you do. It's a chemical

problem that has very real emotional symptoms. And just like a

diabetic if I don't take my meds, make sure I get enough sleep, eat

right, and exercise, I'm not going to be able to keep it in control.

They just don't get it. The brain's an organ just like any of the

other organs in the body.

My family's pretty split on substance abuse problems. I'd say about

half have problems and half don't. But even the ones that don't, they

have some pretty big emotional issues and they would really benefit

from going to therapy. But like you said about your family my family

doesn't want to look too closely at the family's dysfunction. So

instead I'm the crazy one.

Yeah the money thing's really killin me. I never ever ever borrowed

money from either of them before, and I was proud of that fact. Now

I'm indebted to them for a long time because it will take me a while

to pay them back. (Rent and utilities in NY can be pretty darn

expensive, and you can't imagine the amount of loans I had to take out

to finish school.)

It's been such a slow process to get back to a place where I could be

productive. Each week I think I'm fine and then the silliest little

thing will tire me out. I wish I had more patience and support from

my family. I know darn well that if I was suffering from pneumonia,

or mono, or something else that just wipes you out they'd be there for

me no question at all and they wouldn't make me feel guilty.

Oh well, what can ya do, right? Hopefully this new med balance will

work out, and maybe for the first time in my life my baseline won't be

dysthymia.

Thanks for the support,

Jen

>

> Jeeze Jen, do we come from the same family ? Your family sounds

like my family. They are in denial about lots of stuff, but mainly,

they are in denial about my reality. . My mother (who is now

deceased) used to invalidate me by telling me that I had nothing to be

depressed about. (My mother was dual diagnosis.... [mentally ill and

an alcoholic] when I was growing up and she severely abused me

physically, mentally and emotionally.) She was always good at telling

me that my depression was " all in my head " and that I wasn't really

depressed. I finally depersonalized it by explaining that depression

is a medical condition and a chemical imbalance like diabetes and high

blood pressure, and that meds have to be taken to treat those

conditions. 20 million diabetics would love to not have to stick a

needle into themselves however many times a day, but they have to in

order to stay alive. Same thing with psych meds. I just let them have

their reality about me while I know the truth about me. If my family

needs to stay in denial about my reality, in order to keep from

looking at their own lives and their own depression/alcoholism that's

their problem.They are all alcoholics and it's hard for me to deal

with them because I am a recovering alcoholic myself. It's hard when

you have to borrow money...it keeps you connected to the family

dysfunction whether you want to be or not. My parents used to help me

once in a while, but there was always a big fish hook at the other end

of that check. I stopped asking for money from them because they

turned it into a big martyrdom thing. Like you, I have a dysthymic

disorder and I know it's hell sometimes. Fortunately, I'm on a good

medication regieme that seems to be evening out the mood swings.

> Sue C.

[Guest guest]

Hi Audrey,

It is helpful to hear other people telling me that I'm doing the right

thing, especially when most of the other people in my life are saying

the opposite.

I'm sorry to hear about your family. Even though they were all

dysfunctional I imagine that not having any of them around must feel

strange. Isn't it so awful some of the things people think will work

on depression? My family has strange ideas about it, too.

I had probably a little too much attention as a child... I was

expected to be perfect at everything. So as long as I looked perfect

on the outside, with good grades and stellar extracurriculars, it

didn't matter what I felt like inside. Besides, I became a master at

keeping all emotion from my face and body language, so they could

never really tell what I was feeling. This was a way to protect

myself from getting the stuffing kicked out of me or killed.

It is amazing how people with learning disorders just get ignored by

the school system. Like the problem's all in the student's head.

There's some really great help out there, but unless you're a

resource-finding queen it's almost impossible to successfully navigate

your child through the maze. (Okay, enough about my rant about how

the school system is failing our children.)

My family thinks that they've never experienced mental illness, but

I've unofficially diagnosed several of my family members with

illnesses. I'd never tell them of course, but they certainly fit the

DSM-IV criteria! They also can't accept that I'm not perfect,

because from the outside I've lived the perfect life so far. They

like putting me up on a pedestal. Since they've never seen the amount

of work it takes for me to live a " normal " life I guess it's kind of a

shock to them. It's not like I used to discuss how often I went to

therapy or what meds I was taking with them. I had my own income and

health insurance so it was none of their business. Now they know

pretty much everything and they can't deal. The other thing is that

since I have had a pretty good life so far with lots of options and

opportunities that the rest of the family didn't have they don't

understand how I can be depressed. Because in their mind part of

depression is hating your life and they don't understand how I could

hate my life. I don't hate my life, and I tell them that, but they

don't hear it.

They've never really fixed anything for me. Don't get me wrong, they

gave me a lot. If it wasn't for the well-rounded education I got as a

child I would never be where I am today. They sacrificed a lot for my

brother and me. They wanted to make sure we had everything they

didn't have growing up. But when it came to fixing things they

weren't really good at that. If I had a problem I fixed it because I

knew that they would react the way that they're reacting now, and that

my business would become the whole family's business.

I really like my therapist. I've had her for quite a while. But she

is a private therapist and there's this weird thing in NYC where a lot

of the doctors in private practice don't accept insurance. So I'm

paying out of pocket. I don't mind because she's good, she's worth

it. I consider it a legitimate expense. So I'm just hoping to get a

job soon so I can keep paying her.

Wow I've already made this post long... Sorry about that! Okay well

real quick then, dysthymia is in a nutshell like a mild form of

depression. It has to last at least two years, but most instances it

lasts over five years. While you have dysthymia you can also have

other forms of depression, like for me I go back and forth between

dysthymia and major depressive episodes.

Okay, well thanks for letting me vent. I appreciate the support and

I'll try to continue to keep my family's issues seperate from my

issues. And thanks for reading my posts.

Jen

>

> Jen, I did read it ALL and I wish I could be there for

> you in person to reassure you that the steps you are

> taking to get better despite the family stress is

> nothing short of being very admirable and courageous.

> I don't have a family like you do as, except for my

> brother, they are all dead. They, too, for the most

> part, were very dysfunctional and not too supportive

> in different areas. My mom was (i believe) depressed

> but my dad's answer was to literally try to slap her

> out of it. Of course that didn't work. I believe I've

> lived with depression since I was a child but like you

> I hid it well and it was easy because my parents were

> so involved with my brother and their own stuff that I

> didn't get much attention. I also had and still have

> some kind of learning disorder that was never dealt

> with while I was growing up. I really don't know what

> is the best way for me to learn. Some things go in one

> ear and out the other.

> I think that maybe any of several reasons family

> members can't deal with the truth about mental

> challenges like depression is because either they

> never experienced it, they think it's contageous, they

> take it personally that maybe they failed you somehow

> and that is unacceptable, they live in a fantasy world

> that none of their family members could be mentally

> sick because it's just not socially acceptable or they

> can't accept the fact that you are not perfect and

> that they need to fix you. The sad part is that they

> can't fix and they can't deal with that. They probably

> fixed a lot of things for you in your life and if they

> can't fix it then it either doesn't exist or they

> refuse to let it exist.

> I may not be a therapist but I can listen with my eyes

> and pray for you as well as support you the best I

> can. Don't let THEIR hangups stop you from moving on

> and getting better. Who knows, maybe some day one of

> them will come out of the emotional closet and

> actually ask you for help. If you can't afford therapy

> & counseling, tell the facilitators and ask them what

> to do.

> Disthymia-what is that? Something like just the blues

> that you can snap out of with comfort food or

> something

> As far as I'm concerned I'll read your emails no

> matter how long they are. I just may not comment on

> all of them.

> By the way, I really hate it when people hold your use

> of any money borrowed over a persons head and try to

> control that usage. I sure hope you get a job soon so

> that you can get your independence back again.

> ak

[Guest guest]

Hi Tony,

I'm glad your family is supportive. It really does make all the

difference. I found that while I was reading " An Unquiet Mind " (about

a very smart and successful doctor who is an expert on

manic-depression and also HAS manic-depression) first and foremost in

my mind was jealousy. I didn't envy her cycles, but I envied the

tremendous support she got from family, friends, and coworkers.

I don't have bipolar... I've never experienced a manic episode. But I

do know what it's like to cycle up and down all the time. I've

noticed that those two meds you mentioned seem to work really well

with the people I know who are bipolar. I hope your manic episodes

aren't too intense anymore... a full-out episode would probably cause

you a lot of problems I imagine.

Yes, my family is ignorant when it comes to this stuff. It's not an

insult, it's just stating a fact. I try and try to educate them but

they don't want to listen. As soon as I'm independent again I won't

have to care whether or not they understand. For now I just need the

financial support without the guilt.

Yeah I've worked with M.D.s a lot, and while I have a lot of respect

for what they do, they really don't know what they're doing when it

comes to psych stuff. The ignorant things I've heard come out of

their mouths when the patients are out of earshot! It's not malicious

stuff that they say... They just say innocently ignorant things

because they don't deal with it every day.

I like where I am for now, and I can stay there until I get insurance

again. It's a teaching clinic so it's a lot cheaper than most places,

and the quality of the residents are excellent because it's affiliated

with an excellent hospital. And I'm on a patient assistance program

for the meds right now since I have no income at the moment but I

don't qualify for any other state or federal aid. Since I've found

such a low-cost way of getting what I need I just laugh when my family

suggests a " cheaper " way. I mean, part of my job (when I have a job)

is to help people get the mental help they need while keeping it in

their price range. You think my family would trust me to find help

for myself!

Anyhow, I've been talking an awful lot today. Thanks for the post of

support. It's appreciated, especially since it feels like every

family member has an opinion about how I'm doing everything wrong.

Jen

>

> i also am frustrated....... by my limited time at this cyber cafe to

read and respond to your post.

>

> i SHOULD feel lucky that my family IS understanding.........

>

> ......... and I DO think it is a SHAME that people who have NO IDEA

what you are going through , (as far as deep depression goes.....)

> tell you to just " snap out of it " ....by yourself...with no therapy

or medication..............!!!

>

> I DO know what you are going through !!!

>

> .....a lifetime (i'm 49) of going in an out of suicidal depression,

due to being bipolar, is FINALLY under control, mainly thanks to

trileptal and seroquel, (although my " manic " episodes DO continue in

all honesty.)

>

> not to insult your parents, Jen, but it is IGNORANCE....and that

ignorance, sadly, is widespread.........

>

> I experienced it with my regular M.D. once, when a misunderstanding

caused by my severe OCD symptoms I was having at the time....led him

to become FURIOUS with me........(and he suggested I even switch to a

different M.D. !!!)

>

> So at a time when I needed re-assurance that I hadn't been

" contaminated " I got ANGER as a RESPONSE to my ILLNESS..............

> ........and from a MEDICAL PROFFESSIONAL, no less !!!

> (who KNEW I had OCD !!!)

>

>

> also ....along those lines......you ARE better off with a

psychiatrist, or a therapist (who can give you a letter suggesting

treatment) to give to an M.D.

>

> an M.D. ON HIS OWN is very often unlikely, (because of liability

> issues) to give you the medications you REALLY NEED..........tony.

>

>

> tony.

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Get your email and more, right on the new .com

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Barbara,

Thanks for the hug. Yeah I mean any illness can be aggravated by

outside stressors, and having to worry about whther or not you'll be

supported until you feel better is defiinitely an outside stressor.

So you'd think they'd know that I have enough to deal with. But nope.

lol, if they really want to know. They are nosy little buggers I'll

tell you that! It's good advice and I try to tune them out now.

It'll be easier when they're not making me feel guilty for borrowing

money. So, I need to go get a job!

Thanks again.

Jen

>

> Big hug of comfort and understanding for you from me. Wow. It can be

so difficult and it's not like you don't have enough to deal with already.

>

> Sometimes it comes down to tuning everyone out and just keep on

doing what *you* need to do to be as happy and healthy as you can be.

Next time someone asks a question ask them if they *really* want to

know. ;-)

>

> Barbara

[Guest guest]

Hi Jen,

don't worry about how long your posts are 'cause I

don't mind reading them. I really don't feel strange

and never have felt strange that my family is/was not

around. I was never emotionally attached to my mom and

after she died I mourned for years about the

relationship we never had before I mourned for the

loss of her. The night i found out my dad died i had

gotten a phone call from my brother from work and he

told me dad died. You know what my first reaction was?

You'll never guess. " good, I'm glad he's dead " then i

rolled over in bed and went back to sleep. I didn't

deal with his death until the last day my brother and

I were in his apartment cleaning it up. My brother and

his friend went out to the car to wait for me. All i

could do was look at the spot where they found him

dead and yell and screem at him for all the terrible

things i felt he did to me and my mom. i had to

forgive him as an act of my will but not in my heart.

Now, sometimes when i think of him i can remember the

cuddly times in his lap on his recliner, hugging his

pot belly. Well, time may not heal all wounds but i

know Jesus does.

Well, hope your week goes well.

Look for the good parts of your family and then maybe

the icky parts won't be so bad.

ak

--- Jen <jenniferm32@...> wrote:

>

> Hi Audrey,

>

> It is helpful to hear other people telling me that

> I'm doing the right

> thing, especially when most of the other people in

> my life are saying

> the opposite.

>

> I'm sorry to hear about your family. Even though

> they were all

> dysfunctional I imagine that not having any of them

> around must feel

> strange. Isn't it so awful some of the things

> people think will work

> on depression? My family has strange ideas about

> it, too.

>

> I had probably a little too much attention as a

> child... I was

> expected to be perfect at everything. So as long as

> I looked perfect

> on the outside, with good grades and stellar

> extracurriculars, it

> didn't matter what I felt like inside. Besides, I

> became a master at

> keeping all emotion from my face and body language,

> so they could

> never really tell what I was feeling. This was a

> way to protect

> myself from getting the stuffing kicked out of me or

> killed.

>

> It is amazing how people with learning disorders

> just get ignored by

> the school system. Like the problem's all in the

> student's head.

> There's some really great help out there, but unless

> you're a

> resource-finding queen it's almost impossible to

> successfully navigate

> your child through the maze. (Okay, enough about my

> rant about how

> the school system is failing our children.)

>

> My family thinks that they've never experienced

> mental illness, but

> I've unofficially diagnosed several of my family

> members with

> illnesses. I'd never tell them of course, but they

> certainly fit the

> DSM-IV criteria! They also can't accept that I'm

> not perfect,

> because from the outside I've lived the perfect life

> so far. They

> like putting me up on a pedestal. Since they've

> never seen the amount

> of work it takes for me to live a " normal " life I

> guess it's kind of a

> shock to them. It's not like I used to discuss how

> often I went to

> therapy or what meds I was taking with them. I had

> my own income and

> health insurance so it was none of their business.

> Now they know

> pretty much everything and they can't deal. The

> other thing is that

> since I have had a pretty good life so far with lots

> of options and

> opportunities that the rest of the family didn't

> have they don't

> understand how I can be depressed. Because in their

> mind part of

> depression is hating your life and they don't

> understand how I could

> hate my life. I don't hate my life, and I tell them

> that, but they

> don't hear it.

>

> They've never really fixed anything for me. Don't

> get me wrong, they

> gave me a lot. If it wasn't for the well-rounded

> education I got as a

> child I would never be where I am today. They

> sacrificed a lot for my

> brother and me. They wanted to make sure we had

> everything they

> didn't have growing up. But when it came to fixing

> things they

> weren't really good at that. If I had a problem I

> fixed it because I

> knew that they would react the way that they're

> reacting now, and that

> my business would become the whole family's

> business.

>

> I really like my therapist. I've had her for quite

> a while. But she

> is a private therapist and there's this weird thing

> in NYC where a lot

> of the doctors in private practice don't accept

> insurance. So I'm

> paying out of pocket. I don't mind because she's

> good, she's worth

> it. I consider it a legitimate expense. So I'm

> just hoping to get a

> job soon so I can keep paying her.

>

> Wow I've already made this post long... Sorry about

> that! Okay well

> real quick then, dysthymia is in a nutshell like a

> mild form of

> depression. It has to last at least two years, but

> most instances it

> lasts over five years. While you have dysthymia you

> can also have

> other forms of depression, like for me I go back and

> forth between

> dysthymia and major depressive episodes.

>

> Okay, well thanks for letting me vent. I appreciate

> the support and

> I'll try to continue to keep my family's issues

> seperate from my

> issues. And thanks for reading my posts.

>

> Jen

>

>

> >

> > Jen, I did read it ALL and I wish I could be there

> for

> > you in person to reassure you that the steps you

> are

> > taking to get better despite the family stress is

> > nothing short of being very admirable and

> courageous.

> > I don't have a family like you do as, except for

> my

> > brother, they are all dead. They, too, for the

> most

> > part, were very dysfunctional and not too

> supportive

> > in different areas. My mom was (i believe)

> depressed

> > but my dad's answer was to literally try to slap

> her

> > out of it. Of course that didn't work. I believe

> I've

> > lived with depression since I was a child but like

> you

> > I hid it well and it was easy because my parents

> were

> > so involved with my brother and their own stuff

> that I

> > didn't get much attention. I also had and still

> have

> > some kind of learning disorder that was never

> dealt

> > with while I was growing up. I really don't know

> what

> > is the best way for me to learn. Some things go in

> one

> > ear and out the other.

> > I think that maybe any of several reasons family

> > members can't deal with the truth about mental

> > challenges like depression is because either they

> > never experienced it, they think it's contageous,

> they

> > take it personally that maybe they failed you

> somehow

> > and that is unacceptable, they live in a fantasy

> world

> > that none of their family members could be

> mentally

> > sick because it's just not socially acceptable or

> they

> > can't accept the fact that you are not perfect and

> > that they need to fix you. The sad part is that

> they

> > can't fix and they can't deal with that. They

> probably

> > fixed a lot of things for you in your life and if

> they

> > can't fix it then it either doesn't exist or they

> > refuse to let it exist.

> > I may not be a therapist but I can listen with my

> eyes

> > and pray for you as well as support you the best I

> > can. Don't let THEIR hangups stop you from moving

> on

> > and getting better. Who knows, maybe some day one

> of

> > them will come out of the emotional closet and

> > actually ask you for help. If you can't afford

> therapy

> > & counseling, tell the facilitators and ask them

> what

> > to do.

> > Disthymia-what is that? Something like just the

> blues

=== message truncated ===

[Guest guest]

Hi ak, I can relate to how you felt about your father. My bio father, has been

a complete a** hole my entire life. He physically, emotionally and mentally

abused me since I can remember. Because of this, I lived in fear up untill 3

years ago. I haven't spoke to him in over 3 years and it has been the best thing

I could have done.

I am from a family of 6 kids, and he has no relationship with anyone. Also, he

has been very sick for along time, I believe it is from guilt. He is a miserable

old man who never deserved his 6 children my mom raised.

My mom died in 1993 from alcoholism and mental illness, and he was remarried

within 6 months.

Suzi

Re: Re: frustrated with family (a long rant)

Hi Jen,

don't worry about how long your posts are 'cause I

don't mind reading them. I really don't feel strange

and never have felt strange that my family is/was not

around. I was never emotionally attached to my mom and

after she died I mourned for years about the

relationship we never had before I mourned for the

loss of her. The night i found out my dad died i had

gotten a phone call from my brother from work and he

told me dad died. You know what my first reaction was?

You'll never guess. " good, I'm glad he's dead " then i

rolled over in bed and went back to sleep. I didn't

deal with his death until the last day my brother and

I were in his apartment cleaning it up. My brother and

his friend went out to the car to wait for me. All i

could do was look at the spot where they found him

dead and yell and screem at him for all the terrible

things i felt he did to me and my mom. i had to

forgive him as an act of my will but not in my heart.

Now, sometimes when i think of him i can remember the

cuddly times in his lap on his recliner, hugging his

pot belly. Well, time may not heal all wounds but i

know Jesus does.

Well, hope your week goes well.

Look for the good parts of your family and then maybe

the icky parts won't be so bad.

ak

--- Jen <jenniferm32@...> wrote:

>

> Hi Audrey,

>

> It is helpful to hear other people telling me that

> I'm doing the right

> thing, especially when most of the other people in

> my life are saying

> the opposite.

>

> I'm sorry to hear about your family. Even though

> they were all

> dysfunctional I imagine that not having any of them

> around must feel

> strange. Isn't it so awful some of the things

> people think will work

> on depression? My family has strange ideas about

> it, too.

>

> I had probably a little too much attention as a

> child... I was

> expected to be perfect at everything. So as long as

> I looked perfect

> on the outside, with good grades and stellar

> extracurriculars, it

> didn't matter what I felt like inside. Besides, I

> became a master at

> keeping all emotion from my face and body language,

> so they could

> never really tell what I was feeling. This was a

> way to protect

> myself from getting the stuffing kicked out of me or

> killed.

>

> It is amazing how people with learning disorders

> just get ignored by

> the school system. Like the problem's all in the

> student's head.

> There's some really great help out there, but unless

> you're a

> resource-finding queen it's almost impossible to

> successfully navigate

> your child through the maze. (Okay, enough about my

> rant about how

> the school system is failing our children.)

>

> My family thinks that they've never experienced

> mental illness, but

> I've unofficially diagnosed several of my family

> members with

> illnesses. I'd never tell them of course, but they

> certainly fit the

> DSM-IV criteria! They also can't accept that I'm

> not perfect,

> because from the outside I've lived the perfect life

> so far. They

> like putting me up on a pedestal. Since they've

> never seen the amount

> of work it takes for me to live a " normal " life I

> guess it's kind of a

> shock to them. It's not like I used to discuss how

> often I went to

> therapy or what meds I was taking with them. I had

> my own income and

> health insurance so it was none of their business.

> Now they know

> pretty much everything and they can't deal. The

> other thing is that

> since I have had a pretty good life so far with lots

> of options and

> opportunities that the rest of the family didn't

> have they don't

> understand how I can be depressed. Because in their

> mind part of

> depression is hating your life and they don't

> understand how I could

> hate my life. I don't hate my life, and I tell them

> that, but they

> don't hear it.

>

> They've never really fixed anything for me. Don't

> get me wrong, they

> gave me a lot. If it wasn't for the well-rounded

> education I got as a

> child I would never be where I am today. They

> sacrificed a lot for my

> brother and me. They wanted to make sure we had

> everything they

> didn't have growing up. But when it came to fixing

> things they

> weren't really good at that. If I had a problem I

> fixed it because I

> knew that they would react the way that they're

> reacting now, and that

> my business would become the whole family's

> business.

>

> I really like my therapist. I've had her for quite

> a while. But she

> is a private therapist and there's this weird thing

> in NYC where a lot

> of the doctors in private practice don't accept

> insurance. So I'm

> paying out of pocket. I don't mind because she's

> good, she's worth

> it. I consider it a legitimate expense. So I'm

> just hoping to get a

> job soon so I can keep paying her.

>

> Wow I've already made this post long... Sorry about

> that! Okay well

> real quick then, dysthymia is in a nutshell like a

> mild form of

> depression. It has to last at least two years, but

> most instances it

> lasts over five years. While you have dysthymia you

> can also have

> other forms of depression, like for me I go back and

> forth between

> dysthymia and major depressive episodes.

>

> Okay, well thanks for letting me vent. I appreciate

> the support and

> I'll try to continue to keep my family's issues

> seperate from my

> issues. And thanks for reading my posts.

>

> Jen

>

>

> >

> > Jen, I did read it ALL and I wish I could be there

> for

> > you in person to reassure you that the steps you

> are

> > taking to get better despite the family stress is

> > nothing short of being very admirable and

> courageous.

> > I don't have a family like you do as, except for

> my

> > brother, they are all dead. They, too, for the

> most

> > part, were very dysfunctional and not too

> supportive

> > in different areas. My mom was (i believe)

> depressed

> > but my dad's answer was to literally try to slap

> her

> > out of it. Of course that didn't work. I believe

> I've

> > lived with depression since I was a child but like

> you

> > I hid it well and it was easy because my parents

> were

> > so involved with my brother and their own stuff

> that I

> > didn't get much attention. I also had and still

> have

> > some kind of learning disorder that was never

> dealt

> > with while I was growing up. I really don't know

> what

> > is the best way for me to learn. Some things go in

> one

> > ear and out the other.

> > I think that maybe any of several reasons family

> > members can't deal with the truth about mental

> > challenges like depression is because either they

> > never experienced it, they think it's contageous,

> they

> > take it personally that maybe they failed you

> somehow

> > and that is unacceptable, they live in a fantasy

> world

> > that none of their family members could be

> mentally

> > sick because it's just not socially acceptable or

> they

> > can't accept the fact that you are not perfect and

> > that they need to fix you. The sad part is that

> they

> > can't fix and they can't deal with that. They

> probably

> > fixed a lot of things for you in your life and if

> they

> > can't fix it then it either doesn't exist or they

> > refuse to let it exist.

> > I may not be a therapist but I can listen with my

> eyes

> > and pray for you as well as support you the best I

> > can. Don't let THEIR hangups stop you from moving

> on

> > and getting better. Who knows, maybe some day one

> of

> > them will come out of the emotional closet and

> > actually ask you for help. If you can't afford

> therapy

> > & counseling, tell the facilitators and ask them

> what

> > to do.

> > Disthymia-what is that? Something like just the

> blues

=== message truncated ===

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[Guest guest]

Hi Audrey,

Well I must say screaming at your dad sounds cathartic! I think I'm

too reserved to scream, but I think it would help a lot. I have

written letters to people who have hurt me and never sent them. It

was just my way of getting it out so that it wasn't eating me away

from the inside anymore.

Jen

>

> Hi Jen,

> don't worry about how long your posts are 'cause I

> don't mind reading them. I really don't feel strange

> and never have felt strange that my family is/was not

> around. I was never emotionally attached to my mom and

> after she died I mourned for years about the

> relationship we never had before I mourned for the

> loss of her. The night i found out my dad died i had

> gotten a phone call from my brother from work and he

> told me dad died. You know what my first reaction was?

> You'll never guess. " good, I'm glad he's dead " then i

> rolled over in bed and went back to sleep. I didn't

> deal with his death until the last day my brother and

> I were in his apartment cleaning it up. My brother and

> his friend went out to the car to wait for me. All i

> could do was look at the spot where they found him

> dead and yell and screem at him for all the terrible

> things i felt he did to me and my mom. i had to

> forgive him as an act of my will but not in my heart.

> Now, sometimes when i think of him i can remember the

> cuddly times in his lap on his recliner, hugging his

> pot belly. Well, time may not heal all wounds but i

> know Jesus does.

> Well, hope your week goes well.

> Look for the good parts of your family and then maybe

> the icky parts won't be so bad.

> ak

[Guest guest]

gosh, what a jerk he was/is. what is this current wife

thinking? does she know about the relationship that

you don't have with him? is she still with him or did

she wise up and leave him? is she on Lex because of

him by any chance or any other AD?

ak

--- suziqt2630@... wrote:

> Hi ak, I can relate to how you felt about your

> father. My bio father, has been a complete a** hole

> my entire life. He physically, emotionally and

> mentally abused me since I can remember. Because of

> this, I lived in fear up untill 3 years ago. I

> haven't spoke to him in over 3 years and it has been

> the best thing I could have done.

> I am from a family of 6 kids, and he has no

> relationship with anyone. Also, he has been very

> sick for along time, I believe it is from guilt. He

> is a miserable old man who never deserved his 6

> children my mom raised.

> My mom died in 1993 from alcoholism and mental

> illness, and he was remarried within 6 months.

>

> Suzi

>

>

> Re: Re: frustrated with family (a

> long rant)

>

>

> Hi Jen,

> don't worry about how long your posts are 'cause I

> don't mind reading them. I really don't feel strange

> and never have felt strange that my family is/was

> not

> around. I was never emotionally attached to my mom

> and

> after she died I mourned for years about the

> relationship we never had before I mourned for the

> loss of her. The night i found out my dad died i had

> gotten a phone call from my brother from work and he

> told me dad died. You know what my first reaction

> was?

> You'll never guess. " good, I'm glad he's dead " then

> i

> rolled over in bed and went back to sleep. I didn't

> deal with his death until the last day my brother

> and

> I were in his apartment cleaning it up. My brother

> and

> his friend went out to the car to wait for me. All i

> could do was look at the spot where they found him

> dead and yell and screem at him for all the terrible

> things i felt he did to me and my mom. i had to

> forgive him as an act of my will but not in my

> heart.

> Now, sometimes when i think of him i can remember

> the

> cuddly times in his lap on his recliner, hugging his

> pot belly. Well, time may not heal all wounds but i

> know Jesus does.

> Well, hope your week goes well.

> Look for the good parts of your family and then

> maybe

> the icky parts won't be so bad.

> ak

>

> --- Jen <jenniferm32@...> wrote:

>

> >

> > Hi Audrey,

> >

> > It is helpful to hear other people telling me that

> > I'm doing the right

> > thing, especially when most of the other people in

> > my life are saying

> > the opposite.

> >

> > I'm sorry to hear about your family. Even though

> > they were all

> > dysfunctional I imagine that not having any of

> them

> > around must feel

> > strange. Isn't it so awful some of the things

> > people think will work

> > on depression? My family has strange ideas about

> > it, too.

> >

> > I had probably a little too much attention as a

> > child... I was

> > expected to be perfect at everything. So as long

> as

> > I looked perfect

> > on the outside, with good grades and stellar

> > extracurriculars, it

> > didn't matter what I felt like inside. Besides, I

> > became a master at

> > keeping all emotion from my face and body

> language,

> > so they could

> > never really tell what I was feeling. This was a

> > way to protect

> > myself from getting the stuffing kicked out of me

> or

> > killed.

> >

> > It is amazing how people with learning disorders

> > just get ignored by

> > the school system. Like the problem's all in the

> > student's head.

> > There's some really great help out there, but

> unless

> > you're a

> > resource-finding queen it's almost impossible to

> > successfully navigate

> > your child through the maze. (Okay, enough about

> my

> > rant about how

> > the school system is failing our children.)

> >

> > My family thinks that they've never experienced

> > mental illness, but

> > I've unofficially diagnosed several of my family

> > members with

> > illnesses. I'd never tell them of course, but they

> > certainly fit the

> > DSM-IV criteria! They also can't accept that

> I'm

> > not perfect,

> > because from the outside I've lived the perfect

> life

> > so far. They

> > like putting me up on a pedestal. Since they've

> > never seen the amount

> > of work it takes for me to live a " normal " life I

> > guess it's kind of a

> > shock to them. It's not like I used to discuss how

> > often I went to

> > therapy or what meds I was taking with them. I had

> > my own income and

> > health insurance so it was none of their business.

>

> > Now they know

> > pretty much everything and they can't deal. The

> > other thing is that

> > since I have had a pretty good life so far with

> lots

> > of options and

> > opportunities that the rest of the family didn't

> > have they don't

> > understand how I can be depressed. Because in

> their

> > mind part of

> > depression is hating your life and they don't

> > understand how I could

> > hate my life. I don't hate my life, and I tell

> them

> > that, but they

> > don't hear it.

> >

> > They've never really fixed anything for me. Don't

> > get me wrong, they

> > gave me a lot. If it wasn't for the well-rounded

> > education I got as a

> > child I would never be where I am today. They

> > sacrificed a lot for my

> > brother and me. They wanted to make sure we had

> > everything they

> > didn't have growing up. But when it came to fixing

> > things they

> > weren't really good at that. If I had a problem I

> > fixed it because I

> > knew that they would react the way that they're

> > reacting now, and that

> > my business would become the whole family's

> > business.

> >

> > I really like my therapist. I've had her for quite

> > a while. But she

> > is a private therapist and there's this weird

> thing

> > in NYC where a lot

> > of the doctors in private practice don't accept

> > insurance. So I'm

> > paying out of pocket. I don't mind because she's

> > good, she's worth

> > it. I consider it a legitimate expense. So I'm

> > just hoping to get a

> > job soon so I can keep paying her.

> >

> > Wow I've already made this post long... Sorry

> about

> > that! Okay well

> > real quick then, dysthymia is in a nutshell like a

> > mild form of

> > depression. It has to last at least two years, but

> > most instances it

> > lasts over five years. While you have dysthymia

> you

> > can also have

> > other forms of depression, like for me I go back

> and

> > forth between

> > dysthymia and major depressive episodes.

> >

>

=== message truncated ===

[Guest guest]

I don't know that sending out those letters would

accomplish much. Those people may not even remember

the event either at all or the way you do. I think

you're right about writing things down like that. I

think it does help to be able to write things down and

then just put it away never to go there again. I guess

it's just another way of letting it go.

ak

--- Jen <jenniferm32@...> wrote:

>

> Hi Audrey,

>

> Well I must say screaming at your dad sounds

> cathartic! I think I'm

> too reserved to scream, but I think it would help a

> lot. I have

> written letters to people who have hurt me and never

> sent them. It

> was just my way of getting it out so that it wasn't

> eating me away

> from the inside anymore.

>

> Jen

>

>

> >

> > Hi Jen,

> > don't worry about how long your posts are 'cause I

> > don't mind reading them. I really don't feel

> strange

> > and never have felt strange that my family is/was

> not

> > around. I was never emotionally attached to my mom

> and

> > after she died I mourned for years about the

> > relationship we never had before I mourned for the

> > loss of her. The night i found out my dad died i

> had

> > gotten a phone call from my brother from work and

> he

> > told me dad died. You know what my first reaction

> was?

> > You'll never guess. " good, I'm glad he's dead "

> then i

> > rolled over in bed and went back to sleep. I

> didn't

> > deal with his death until the last day my brother

> and

> > I were in his apartment cleaning it up. My brother

> and

> > his friend went out to the car to wait for me. All

> i

> > could do was look at the spot where they found him

> > dead and yell and screem at him for all the

> terrible

> > things i felt he did to me and my mom. i had to

> > forgive him as an act of my will but not in my

> heart.

> > Now, sometimes when i think of him i can remember

> the

> > cuddly times in his lap on his recliner, hugging

> his

> > pot belly. Well, time may not heal all wounds but

> i

> > know Jesus does.

> > Well, hope your week goes well.

> > Look for the good parts of your family and then

> maybe

> > the icky parts won't be so bad.

> > ak

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Audrey,

Yeah, for me those letters were helpful because it was a way to get

everything out that I wanted to say but couldn't say. They were never

meant for mailing. But it was helpful for the letting go process.

A few years ago I wrote second letters to those people (that I also

did not send out). Believe it or not they were thank you letters.

See, I was thinking back to all the positive things that I've

accomplished and learned and experienced over the years. And I

tackled a lot of those things in defiance of my past, and then later

on when I wasn't so angry I tackled things in response to my past. So

if it weren't for my abusers there's a lot of positive things down the

road that I wouldn't have experienced. (I'm not saying that if I had

the chance to do it all over again that I'd Want to be abused. But I

can't do it all over again so I may as well make sure something good

comes out of it.) So in each letter I thought of a few of the good

things I'd done in response to the specific abuse each person was

responsible for and I thanked them for the good things. Sounds

twisted to some people, but it helped me. See, I can't forgive any of

them for what they've done. That's not my place. But I can accept

what was done and make some good out of the situation.

Yes, Jen and her strange ideas. But hey, whatever works, right?

Jen

>

> I don't know that sending out those letters would

> accomplish much. Those people may not even remember

> the event either at all or the way you do. I think

> you're right about writing things down like that. I

> think it does help to be able to write things down and

> then just put it away never to go there again. I guess

> it's just another way of letting it go.

> ak