You have to be fit - AND Einstein to go to hospital these days!

[Guest guest]

Fred it's like that everywhere. I think all LP's could write the funniest

sitcom in the world about this stuff. Here is how I get back: When I am doing a

magic show for the public I use this stuff in my show and people come over

after and have the nerve to ask me if it was true.

I am at the train station and they have a board with slots to put your money

so, I have to drive around to find a parking space with a number I can reach

on the board. It's like playing the lottery!

Wonder what it's like in heaven?

Irwin

[Guest guest]

Had to visit a hospital which services practically the whole of the country,

judging by the size, complexity and patronage of their car park!

Eventually found a space (nope, none of the " Disabled Spaces " , well it's a

hospital, so I suppose EVERYONE classes themselves as disabled), MILES from

the entrance to the hospital. Goes in hospital, only to find, silly me, I'd

gone in the entrance marked " Reception " . WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lady at desk explains that we are at the wrong place and she would get

someone to WALK us to where we needed to be! TEN MINUTES later, after

walking a seeming labyrinth of corridors, we finally arrive!

Eventually saw doctor. A different one to last time, so had to sit while he

ploughed through, what seemed like, an encyclopaedia of notes! I

tentatively preferred the information that I had a slight water problem.

At one point he threatened a catheter! I reminded him that the last doctor

had agreed that it was probably nerve nipping.

I said, " It is common in Achondroplasia. "

To which he replied, " Are you asking me or telling me? "

I said, " Informing you. "

He said " How do you know this? "

Well, I was gob smacked! In the end I said, " The way I have found out

everything else I know about Achondroplasia. " THAT did not compute with

him!

In the end, he said he wanted a water sample and a blood sample. Only

problem was, by the time he had finished with me, the relevant clinics

within the hospital had closed!

I could either a) come back to the same hospital tomorrow, 2. Go to my

local hospital tomorrow 3. See my own G.P. tomorrow!

After today's experiences, opted for number 3. As will be seen, BAD OPTION

!

Came out of the hospital, walked to the pay machine to pay for parking -

can't reach the machine! Nobody around, cos it was that late in the day!

Went back into the hospital and asked " What does one do when one wants to

leave the car park but can't reach the pay machine? "

Now my faith in human nature did think that perhaps, just perhaps, she might

have walked the few yards back out with me and put the money in for me.

Silly Fred for thinking this!

She informs me that there is a button on the machine. You press that and

the guy on the intercom sorts you out.

Back out to the machine - finds button, JUST able to reach it. Presses it

and a voice says " Yes? "

I says, " I have a problem, I can't reach the slot on this machine. "

Mechanical voice " Ah yes, I can see you. Yer, you have a problem. Drive

round to the blue cabin and we'll sort you out. "

" WHAT BLUE CABIN? "

" The one to your left. "

" But, but, but, we can't see OVER THE TOP of all the cars to see where you

mean! "

Eventually, as if by radar, yer, we finally drive round enough of the car

park to actually find this 'blue cabin'.

I gets out of the car and approaches said cabin. Ah! next problem! The

bloody window is SIX FOOT UP IN THE AIR!

Fred knocks on side of cabin.

Man looks out. Sees nobody!

Fred shouts " I'm down here! "

Man looks down " Oh, yer, I forgot. "

Man comes out of cabin, and says " You have to put your money in the machine

round here. "

Fred, in his head screams " But I can't REACH the bloody machine! "

Fred walks round back of cabin with man (Wonders where man is taking him!)

Sure enough, machine IDENTICAL to the one I tried before.

Man sees problem! Takes money off Fred and feeds it into machine. Gives

Fred the ticket!

Fred, and wife, finally escape the parking complex of a stupid hospital!

Stupid? yer, well, I noticed while we were waiting to see the specialist,

that ALL the doors in the hospital had their handles very, very low!

BRILLIANT for us and wheel chair users. Ah, except, ALL the light switches

were even higher than the norm!

Fred don't wanna ever admit a medical problem ever again!

Now, remember I had to get a water sample to my doctors and a blood sample

taken? Well, it turned out to be just as traumatic as yesterday.

Fine, no problem handing the water sample in! The blood sample was a

totally different thing!

Went to my doctors, waited for the nurse.

Nurse came, asked me to follow her. Eventually caught up with her! Wow,

these nurses have long legs which can stride it out!

Went into a room, and she went to straighten my arm! Explained that

problem to her, and told her that normally we get blood out of the back of

my hand.

" Ah, cant do that! Not allowed to. You'll have to go to the

hospital phlebotomy (blood) department to do that. Oh, hang on, I'll see

if any of the doctors in the surgery is free to do it. "

No doctors free!

Of course not.

In comes district nurse! She explained that she didn't have the fine

needles necessary but if

it was alright with me, she would try with an ordinary needle. After trying

both hands and putting me in pain, she gave up!

Frederick HAD to go to the hospital phlebotomy department. " They are used to

drawing blood, THEY'LL get it! " assured nurse.

Drove over there, but found they have made the hospital car park a paying

one! Frederick had no money on him! Finally got parked in a disabled bay

and went in.

This slip of a lass took me into a side room.

" Sit down she said " . I looked at the chair, I looked at her!

Sit DOWN she said, not sit UP! I'd have needed full mountaineering tackle

to get into that monstrosity!

How the bloody hell she was expecting me to get onto it I don't know!

Frederick told her I would be fine stood up thank you. Again, had to go

through the explanation of no way

in my arm.

Fine, she put a strap (decorated with cartoon characters - I LOVED IT)

round my hand, pushed the needle in, got

the blood and that was that! I praised her to the hilt!

Dam it, she wanted the strap back! I fought her for it:-)

Frederick knows where he is going, next time someone wants a sample of

blood!

So, two lessons learned. 1. Don't EVER get sick, OR complain about

ANYTHING! 2. If THEY want blood, DEMAND a wee slip of a lass in a

Phlebotomy department!