what is Anger?

[Guest guest]

Anger as part of the grief cycle is not often look at. So I found a few good

passages to get us going on understanding and discussing anger.

Let's discuss.

Enjoy the ride,

Carmen

Dr beth Kübler-Ross' five stages of grief model (denial, anger, bargaining,

depression, acceptance), are also transferable to personal change and emotional

upset resulting from factors other than death and dying.

The 'grief cycle' is actually a 'change model' for helping to understand and

deal with (and counsel) personal reaction to trauma. It's not just for death and

dying.

This is because trauma and emotional shock are relative in terms of effect on

people. While death and dying are for many people the ultimate trauma, people

can experience similar emotional upsets when dealing with many of life's

challenges, especially if confronting something difficult for the first time,

and/or if the challenge happens to threaten an area of psychological weakness,

which we all possess in different ways. One person's despair (a job-change, or

exposure to risk or phobia, etc) is to another person not threatening at all.

Some people love snakes and climbing mountains, whereas to others these are

intensely scary things. Emotional response, and trauma, must be seen in relative

not absolute terms. The model helps remind us that the other person's

perspective is different to our own, whether we are the one in shock, or the one

helping another to deal with their upset.

five stages of grief - elisabeth kübler ross:1 - Denial

Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information,

reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defence mechanism and

perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with

a traumatic change that can be ignored. Death of course is not particularly easy

to avoid or evade indefinitely.

2 - Anger

Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be

angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them.

Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgemental when experiencing the anger

of someone who is very upset.

3 - Bargaining

Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve

attempting to bargain with whatever God the person believes in. People facing

less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example

" Can we still be friends?.. " when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides

a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.

4 - Depression

Also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it's the dress rehearsal or

the practice run for the 'aftermath' although this stage means different things

depending on whom it involves. It's a sort of acceptance with emotional

attachment. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It

shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.

5 - Acceptance

Again this stage definitely varies according to the person's situation, although

broadly it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and

objectivity. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people

they leave behind, who must necessarily pass through their own individual stages

of dealing with the grief.

Getting stuck

Getting stuck in denial is common in 'cool' cultures (such as in

Britain, particularly Southern England) where expressing anger is not

acceptable. The person may feel that anger, but may then repress it,

bottling it up inside.

Likewise, a person may be stuck in permanent anger (which is itself a form of

flight from reality) or repeated bargaining. It is more difficult to get stuck

in active states than in passivity, and getting stuck in depression is perhaps a

more common ailment.

Going in cycles

Another trap is that when a person moves on to the next phase, they have not

completed an earlier phase and so move backwards in cyclic loops that repeat

previous emotion and actions. Thus, for example, a person that finds bargaining

not to be working, may go back into anger or denial.

Cycling is itself a form of avoidance of the

inevitable, and going backwards in time may seem to be a way of extending the

time before the perceived bad thing happens.