Marriage/Partnerships

[Guest guest]

Hey GangEspecially the women that are here! I just wanted to share with you again, some experience that I had

to learn, along my path to all my freedoms.Let's face it, most men do not possess the skills to be a caregiver!! Oh, I've met a few that are great caregivers and the love that they hold, when speaking of the sick wife, is a wonder to behold. But, most just want to up and run... Yup, I know that there are women like that too; but, I could never understand them, because I'm incapable of being that sort of woman.In my experience, a great deal of men just simply do not grasp the concept of emotional care giving. My husband was fantastic about bringing me a glass of ginger ale if I asked and anything like that. He has

always been a much better cook than I am and cooked every single meal we'd probably eaten for years, starting with my first round of tx at least. He'd clean up after dinner and turn on the dishwasher when it was full and unload it when it was clean. I had a male housekeeper that would come in every week and take care of cleaning the bathroom (not very well) and vacuuming the floors, before washing them all. Since I could not do those jobs myself, I was just grateful that someone did and all the while, wishing that I was able to give the place a good cleaning. Yet, it's not as though I've ever been the happy homemaker type; but, I know when I feel that my home is actually filthy. However, it was simply not possible until probably now and you all know what has happened.But what he never could understand, was the emotional care I sometimes needed!! You know - the hug in the middle of the day, just because he

could see that I needed it. Telling me often that he loved me and could see the struggle I was going through. Showing some kind of appreciation for the fact, that I fought hard to continue to work because our income was not what it used to be. Or, just listening if I needed to talk about my many pains and discomforts, especially through treatment. What about holding my hand and helping me to process the fact that I had liver cancer?? However, that was not the kind of man I married!!Also, like so many other men, he absolutely hated hospitals!! So, even all the times he drove me those long 12 hour days over to the Hep Clinic and home, I always let him stay down in the lobby, rather than come into the little room where either my clinician or the Gastro met and talked to me. Thus, he NEVER heard first hand what I was being told!! It didn't take me very long into the last treatment, before I eventually

was not even telling him what they had to say about the urgency of looking after myself first and getting all stress out of my life or the treatment could be another failure. It always sounded like I was trying to make excuses for myself, when in fact, I was being strongly warned, while he was sitting waiting in that lobby. I would just tell him anything that was actually tangible, such as how my blood tests were going etc. He wasn't even on the trip that I had to make, the time that I was told that the CT scan had come back, highly suggestive of cancer tumours. He missed seeing my Gastro and the clinician's compassionate faces, as I was being told that.To this moment, that's why I believe he was swayed and influenced by other people in our life!! He built a resentment to the fact that I was too sick to continue to do any of the little things that we used to do, which wasn't much since the end of my first

treatment. How could he not - I was always bundled up in bed, either too sick from the last shot or too tired from the whole ordeal, to do anything else. Even in between the treatments; because, my liver was actually moving into cirrhosis or end stage liver disease as it's so often referred to. I really can't imagine how anyone that has not actually suffered from a chronic illness or been on chemo, can be expected to fully understand. Except, there was lots of help offered to him and he chose not to take up on those offers. Thus, all he ever knew about HepC and the treatment, was what I told him, period.I have come to regret the fact that he was never in those rooms and actually hearing first hand what was going on. Perhaps, if he had been - he might have been able to grasp how sick I really was. So ladies - please, think about this as you are about to start your own treatments. If your husbands

are going to be the primary caregivers, I am of the opinion now, that they must know everything that you are facing. It's hard enough that people on the outside don't see us, for how sick we really are; but, when the husband is not personally involved in the meetings - I doubt that they will grasp the seriousness of it either.No one could have told me back in January of 2009, just as I was starting on this 2nd treatment, that my husband would have developed such anger and resentment toward me!! Absolutely I would not have believed that ever. Sure, we had our problems, like any other marriage; but, I honestly believed, without question that he would always be there for me!!! So, you can understand my shock when he began to turn on me, back in January of this year. It was so deeply painful to be facing liver cancer without any certainty that my marriage would make

it. To this day, I wish that he had packed up and left BEFORE I was preparing for the surgery. I loath the thought that he only stayed because he promised my mother he would!! I am not a person that sits well with the fact. that he was only here out of a sense of duty.... No wonder he was back to yelling at me, less than two days after getting out of the hospital.The biggest "perhaps" in my life now, is that perhaps our marriage was already failing before any of this and I was just to blind to see. All I know for sure, is that I feel so much more peaceful and serene out here in my little travel trailer now; because, there is no one here that is accusing me of being the very bane of their existence. No one around me now, is exaggerating every character fault that I have and especially for the fact that I do indeed talk too much. Don't most women?? Now, I'm

not at the bottom of the list of people, that are most important to my dog. Instead, I am THE most important human.... LOLAnyway, ladies especially; but, even some of you guys - please remember that the significant other, can not automatically know how we feel on treatment. Whether it be the "flu" like symptoms or the fatigues or even those emotional lows, when we get it into our minds that maybe it's not worth fighting for our lives. Try to do what I didn't do and get them to come with you to every health meeting. I think it's the only way that they can truly get the whole message.Hope this helps even one person on this siteLuv Gloria