Young mom reaches womanhood in a shadow of addiction

[Guest guest]

Young mom reaches womanhood in a shadow of addiction

By Sara Solovitch

Public Access Journalism

At 28, Holly is a cute blond who most people would never guess was once a serious drug addict. But until last year, when it came to drugs and alcohol, Holly was an omnivore. She did everything that came her way; as a result of her drug use, she has hepatitis C.

For the first time in her life, Holly is on track. Last September, she graduated from Fayette County Drug Court in Lexington, Ky., as well as from a women's aftercare program. Holly was willing to tell her story in her own words, but requested that her full name not be used, citing the stigma of substance abuse.

"I was raised in an alcoholic home. My dad was very abusive to my mother growing up. I remember him one time pulling her hair out and me, being waist-high to him, hitting him as hard as I could. I was full of anxiety as a child.

After my dad left the house, I was abused and raped by a friend of the family.

I started smoking marijuana when I was 12 years old. It escalated to drinking, tripping on acid and taking speed by the time I was 14. I had my first job when I was 16, and that's when I started doing pain-killers then cocaine. I went from snorting to smoking to shooting; heroin; ecstasy. I did whatever was available.

I was a blackout drinker, anything to numb out. It helped temporarily. But when I came back off the high, the pain would be there and it would be even more intense.

I overdosed several times. I had seizures, my lungs collapsed, my kidneys failed. But I kept doing it. I was 16 when my first child was born. I was in an abusive relationship with her father. I smoked marijuana the whole time I was pregnant with her. I quit drinking when I was pregnant with her -- not that smoking marijuana is OK. But she wasn't born addicted.

My second child was born a week after I turned 18. I had started doing pills and my drinking really picked up after I had him. The kids lived with me for a short period of time, until my mother suggested that she take them 'til I got on my feet, which was her way of saying I had a problem. But I wanted my freedom. I was young, I didn't have a husband now.

My mother had the kids for three or four years, and then, when I was 21, I had another child. By that last pregnancy, I couldn't stop using for anything: cocaine, heroin, Dilaudid, OxyContin, you name it.

Here I was doing all these drugs, but afraid that if I drank, my baby would be born with alcohol fetal syndrome. So I didn't drink. I never had any prenatal care, but my daughter was OK.

In 2003, I went into treatment at the Women's Health Center in Lexington and relapsed eight months later. Then in June 2004, the police came to arrest me (for a probation violation). Jail was a better option than what I was doing. At least there, I would sleep, I would eat. I started going to AA meetings while I was there, and then I asked to go to drug court. I had made up my mind. I knew that if I didn't make it work, I was going to die out there.

The judge ordered me to another women's residential facility -- Chrysalis House. I completed the residential part in June 2005, and I'm finishing the aftercare part on the 22nd (of March). I will definitely stay grounded in AA. I've got a sponsor, I work the (12) steps with the community I'm in, and I love the 12-Step program. It's changed me.

I think the reason it worked this time, the main difference, was because Chrysalis House gave me parenting skills and job skills. I had never worked a full-time job. I had never been accountable like that.

When they told me I would have to work a 40-hour-a-week job, I broke down crying. I said I didn't know how to do that. They showed me that it took skills to survive out there, that it was a full-time job being an addict and I could turn around those skills -- like creativity, the constant hustle and energy we needed to come up with drugs -- to help society.

Chrysalis House got me a temporary position that turned into a full-time job. I've been there a year now. I never worked anywhere for a year. It shows I'm capable of doing anything I turn my mind to.

I'm a staff support administrator and I love what I do. I love the people I work with. Being accountable to society, getting up and going to work -- I love it.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 12 years old. Chrysalis House made sure that that I saw a psychiatrist and got medicated. It turns out I was self-medicating for many years.

I have a conscience today, I'm aware of who I am. I have self-respect. I have all three of the kids occasionally. My youngest daughter -- her aunt was awarded temporary custody, and at this point she's not comfortable spending the night with me. If it's meant for them to be in my life full time, it will happen."

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