JOKES FROM BERT. :)

[Guest guest]

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE.....

HERE ARE YOUR LAUGHS FOR THE DAY!!!

ENJOY....

One Liner! How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Poor Fred (Bad Pun)

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton." The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton." When he returned the third day he sarcastically said, "I suppose Fred

is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday." Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a

week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was

poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: ... "Gone, But Not for

Cotton."

Church Humor

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the

aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While

facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So

it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the

aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so

hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing,

the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during

the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some

sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the

father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on

his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little

one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!" One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash

baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a

better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I

am.

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on

the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in

church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are

sleeping."

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,

looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out

of the Bible He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old

leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama,

look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there,

dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice

he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he

preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord

as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord

and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles

and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother

and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, , were sitting

together in church. giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally,

his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud

in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" asked. Angie pointed

to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by

the door? They're hushers."

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know

how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo, while I

asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming

quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her

grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The

virgin or the King Virgin?"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were

ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell

her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou

shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's

Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me

the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I

listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up

to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,

"but deliver us some email."

**HAPPY**HOLIDAYS**

**AND WARM HUGS**

Bert.