Re: Re: How close to madness..../sponses who do this/help input need!

[Guest guest]

I have been in this same situation more than I can count. Where they tell

you, everything that your not doing, or that your thinking wrong, or that if

you love us so much you would get up, even if body is paralized from the neck

down. Yes, I know these situations more that I ever wanted. I ask my

brother to come out, and with the frustration my husband experiences with

Lyme Disease and me not being wonderful woman, basically told my brother,

everything I lacked, and How it thought is was all in my head, and how he

thought I was just getting pain medication cause I was a drug addict, even

though my antibiotics out weighed my pain meds intake, or yeah the sleeping

problems, thats due the crazyness too. There are days where I can't keep my

eyes open and then there are days I can't sleep. Which is all part of the

disease. He has never read one document about Lyme Disease or has not been

to one Doctor appt with me, not to my Lyme Doctor or Pain Management. This

would clear up alot of things, or it might make him worry to much. Theres

something about the under currents of a sponse being sick and disable. My

wonderful pain doctor said it was because he is man and men tend want to fix

things and if they can't fix they tend to avoid it. My Lyme doctor said the

same, only it had a few more things to say. I took one of people we have

employed, whom Don dearly trust. She basically told my Lyme Doctor, that Don

was not supported, infact those were exact words. He ask me at that point

what I want him to do about it, I said nothing, because in all reality

unless he comes with me this is void issue. But I told told my Lyme Doctor I

thought I being smart by not following his directions, he has me pulse

therapy where I take my antibiotics 5 days on 2 days. I got this big idea

that I took it straight thru that I would get better faster, instead it took

down further. I told my husband one night when things were peaceful that, I

was going against what the doctor was told. And my husband said, he has a

good plan there, if the the parasite of lyme always see bombs in blood

stream, they will try to hide from these bombs and did deeper into tissue and

muscles, if you take the break as the doctor directed they sneak a peak and

see there are no more bombs going in blood stream, and they will come out

from hiding, and by the time second day arrives, and there is really no sign

of the will really jump, and my the next morning all these little criddles

will be out you take your antibiotic and bomb, you destroyed that much more.

My husband for the first time was being my friend. My Lyme Dr. said he

certainly has opinion about that. Thats all he said, I wish I could know

what his thoughts were.

To get back on subject, my brother started to believe what my husband was

feeding him, even though he had been around longer than Don ever has, I

talking day to day time. My husband works alot we maybe spend 1 hour if we

are lucky, then most of time our five children our demanding his time, which

I don't blame, they love their Daddy, but coming home 5 to 10 minutes before

bedtime each night since they were born, is not the enough they need him. So

he will let them stay longer than they need too because he feels guilty, but

not guilty enough home early enough. Since he has not spent the time they

actually need, I think the children are overwhelming for him. His business

is very demanding, basically, the customers get care and nuturing, and we get

the stress from his frustration. Hopefully these times will change, I have

really prayed for this for since I can remember, infact I have allowed this

situation to drive off to the deep end, and have done things that I had never

of dreamed of doing. Forever I never thought he love me. But he has stayed

even when I allowed the situation to take to deep end, believe that situation

has taken more to deep than Lyme Disease, Lyme Disease woke me up to what is

important, I what Don chooses to do, is his decision, not mine, nor do I

have any influeance over the situation, not matter what I do, I been totally

attentive and I have been totally non-attentive to the situation. All in the

mistakes I made are mine, not because of his actions, I choose to behave

certain way, I am responsible for my actions, and we need to rememer we can

choose the we react or not react to any situation, but we look for the

outcome first before we react and include everyone who is envolved.

Anyway as I babble on, my Husband and my brother take one evening and we all

sitting in the living room, they virtually attack me, it was most horrible

thing I ever experienced. I really could find no good I was contributing in

my family of five children and my husband whom I dearly love. I also hit

bottom at that point, why am I here, if I am not good for anyone, why am I

here? There is also background issues with this, like when I was growing up

I abused children beaten, God, time, therapy, and wanting to be a very loving

individual, all put this behind me, and The Lord restore my family. I was

so destraunt about there attacks to my person hood, that I called my mother,

and ask what was about me that caused pained to the family, why would someone

else want to do so much harm and ulgy things to another person or child.

What was about me that cause me people to do this. She wait one minute, it

was not you!!!! I really wanted to know the answer the this spiritual and

phyiscal situation, at that moment I could know longer bare if this was true

impact I had on my family and people around me. Thats when I wanted to die.

I went into my and curled in the fetal position and cried and cried Oh God

help me, am I that truly disgusting.

You know I have been angry at many people in my life but I haven't ever torn

them apart like that. I have gotten pretty ugly at times. For example, my

brother was agreed to come here to help get on my feet,help to get the house

back in order, I told him, I only had so much useage in both of arms and

hands, and after so long, I can't pick up anything, it drops, I tried and

tried, they don't work, and after so long, my right leg will not work, so

what happens, I actually drag it behind me. My brother was down to 38cents

to his name, and Don's and my heart just dropped to ground for him, so we

agreed to fly him out here for six weeks, and pay him $500.00 week to help

get on my feet, help build up my leg etc. Go to the doctors with so Don

wouldn't have to go. By this time I can't try very far until my arms just

can't turn the steering wheel.

Well Marlon, not realizing the task he was inform, and with attitude Don had,

freak out, freak out on me, when I stop to restore, he would not do

anything. Which was not what we agreed to. I guess he thought I could

perform even though my limbs weren't working. So he had a big attituded and

I did the most horrible thing. I basically told him that, he was getting

paid no matter if I contributing or not, I sure was getting paid, infact the

reward for pushing my self is pain and 2 days in bed. So I have sense of

trying to avoid that out come, I would rather do alittle and be function

everyday, that over do it and be paralyized and 2 days in bed with pain, I

don't care how many pain killers you, when your pain levels get so high, you

might as well lay down and try to rest.

Yes I know about the family support thing. We paid $5000.00 for Marlon, who

got two closets done, and he didn't finish the second closet, and he cooked

dinner, which is was nice for me. And alot pain and hurt when he left. We

would of been better just to send him the money. Which we would of done

anyway. He my brother and I love him. I hope and pray his life gets better.

He lives in California in Palms Springs, he is very talented and is a

fabulous designer. And you know what they say about designer men, yes his

life style is that way, which given nothing but despair and loneliness, and

alot chips on his shoulders. He has become to believe he is so good that he

know longers believes he needs to hands on. The problem with that is that he

is not in the financial situation to be that way. He could be. He was never

that way before, he was never afraid to get his hands dirty and dig in to get

whatever need to get the job done. I was so flabbergasted. It was like he

was above all this, tetious details. All of us lyme individuals would give

anything to beable to perform like we use to. And here is person that can

and that the most wonderful talents, and won't and because of that it has

left 38cents to his name. Wow!

I always wanted to be talented, and to beable to decorated like you find in a

magazine. its so much fun, I get my textures confused, colors I do okay with,

it the textures that leave blank.

I heavy heavy pray for all our sponses and families to support

us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And for us to support them. Lyme Disease is not

madness, it is a illness, its what other feed into it that can be made in

madness.

Love

Trenton