WTC, LLMD's, Cures, Etc.

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I don't always come here so hadn't been aware of previous hard

feelings about the WTC. Again sorry if I offended or hurt anyone.

I have to admit to getting rather frustrated each time I write to ask

a question and someone writes and says go to an LLMD. Then I realise

that not everyone reads every post just like I don't and many might

not be aware that I can't go to an LLMD. I'm in NJFamilyCare which

is a Medicaid program and you have to be in an HMO and the LLMD's

aren't in it and won't deal with HMO's. The HMO even called a couple

for me (I'd already called myself when the HMO told me I could.)to

see if the LLMD's in the area would work with them but they won't.

So I have to make do with illiterate MD's. That's why I want to be

able to tell them since they won't know or want to know or give a

hoot.

Good point to be aware of that IV abx could cause too severe of a

herx. I didn't know that was dangerous--I thought it was " just "

miserable. Not that I can tolerate one speck more of miserable

either.

All comments about remission make my point exactly that it IS

hopeless for us to be cured. And that makes me feel so despairing

that I don't even want to bother. So does hearing that even

remissions take many years. And for me not only have I already been

sick and disabled for six years (probably infected 25 or 30 years.)

but without my boyfriend with me I don't care and certainly don't

want to endure treatment for years without him on the chance he might

take me back if I ever get well enough to suit him and isn't too

afraid that I will get sick again which I would certainly expect

would happen in my case (that I would get sick again.). And by the

way--my broken heart will NEVER be cured. If he takes me back at

least it won't keep getting worse but I'm sure I will be hurt forever

that he threw me away. And till he takes me back I will keep hurting

more. Last night I was awake nearly all night in agony over him. He

is my everything. He isn't the only part of my life but he is the

most imporant and without him the rest is all meaningless. I know

some of you will disagree but let's not argue. This is how I feel

and I feel very deeply about him/us and that will not change no

matter what. I love him and am still trying to please him with

occasional short letters, cards, small gifts, thoughtful comments,

etc. I am letting him have his space and not begging or pestering

him and haven't called since March--but I will never give up. If he

wanted me well he should be giving me love and support not giving me

one more source of agony to use energy on.

Another thought about remission--it's the equivalent to being

committed to someone except when you're not. That's what I've

endured in my relationship and that's what we endure with Lyme--cured

except we're not. I don't expect to even get THAT far. I've lost

too much for too long. I think a lot of the reason I'm so very

negative is the way my loved ones have treated me about this all

these years. I would still feel hopeless about the sickness but I've

used more energy trying to get love and trying to defend myself about

my sickness that it's used more energy than all of you put together

have used to try to get cured. And that continues daily. I have

almost no one to talk to except my parents and all we do is fight.

The few people I can call locally are not Lyme victims or LL. And

one of my local friends died a few days ago (not of Lyme.) in case I

wasn't sad enough. So anyway I get absolutely no in-person support.

And that makes me not even want to try. And when I do try and it

fails I get blamed instead of supported and fought for.

I'm dreading this appt. tomorrow. There is another doctor that I got

from the LDA but he was on the not very good list as far as I

understood. He isn't local--I'm guessing about 45 minutes from here--

but he is in the HMO. Maybe when the one tomorrow fails I'll try

this other one but I don't know why I should even bother.

Sorry to always be so totally negative but what this world has done

to me and the abandonment--real and emotional--I endure from my loved

ones is years past too much to bear.

Madeleine (Again for those who are still confused--I can be emailed

privately at Monterey95 @aol.com which is with no space--I do that so

it will all post here--don't write to Sierra since it is just

overloading with mail and I can't access it these days--LeMans46 is

the ID and not an address at all but my account has got weirded

out recently and shows it now.)