Anyone else living as 2 people?

[Guest guest]

I feel like I have 2 different lives. The mom that cooks and cleans and runs the

kids to school and pretends to her husband, friends and family that everything

is ok, and the real me scared sh*tless that I'm never going to get him

recovered.

  I am so scared...night and day..all the time. What if I never do it?

 I've never excepted that he's not coming back. Every time I think of that

thought I immediately start go weak, can't breath and in a panic run to my list

on the fridge  and read everything I'm doing for him just to reassure myself

.......he's coming back.  I have a couple memories of him before autism and I'm

losing those too. It's like it's been so long I can't remember that well

anymore.

 I''ve lived this biomed life with such passion and intensity I've lost myself,

and i've been around the biomed block a couple times now that I don't know where

I'm even going now. I've done everything.

i'll stop writing .......one of those nights ......