Humor...from the Lyme newsgroup

[Guest guest]

For those who may not have seen this funny, I am posting to regular Lyme-aid

list rather than Lyme-offtopic...it is definitely on topic and very funny

too!

Marta

Subject: A Marx Brothers Routine, " A Day at the Doctors "

From: Bob Levine <omicron@...>

Date: Sun, 19 Sep 1999 01:30:19 -0400

A Marx Brothers Routine

“A Day at the Doctors”

Cast:

Chico: Dr. Relywttad

Groucho: Patient

Harpo: Pinky, Hospital Administrator

Groucho: Dr. I have come to see you because I haven’t been at all well

lately.

Chico: Well, you’va come to the right place. Whata seems to be the

problem.

Groucho: Well it all started several months ago when I just didn’t feel

like myself.

Chico: That’s a funny, that happened to me once and a lady slapped me.

If you no feel like yourself, how did you feel?

Groucho: Well I didn’t get slapped, but I felt like I did. I was tired,

my joints hurt, my vision got blurry, I couldn’t think straight.

Chico: Stop drinking gin, your cured, get out, next. (yells out) Pinky

send in the next sucker, I mean patient.

Harpo: Honk

Groucho: No you don’t understand, I haven’t been drinking.

Chico: Well consider yourself lucky, I spend a lot of money to feel that

way sometimes. Get on the table and I’ll take a look at you. (Yells out)

Pinky get this man’s medical records.

Harpo: Honk

(Groucho gets on the examination table, Harpo gives Chico a big folder

of papers )

Chico: Lets see, (looks over the paper work), hey I was looking all over

for that. (pulls out a racing form from the folder), nope there is

nothing here, your fine, get out. (yells out) Pinky get the next

patient.

Harpo: Honk

Groucho: No Dr., you don’t understand I am not at all well.

Chico: These a papers here say that you are a’fine. You’re the picture

of health. I say that you are well.

Groucho: But I don’t feel healthy, I feel sick.

Chico: Who’s the Dr. here? I don’t care how you feel, I say you’re well.

I’ve been practicing medicine for 20 years, who are you to tell me how

you feel. Maybe you should get out more. (Yells out) Pinky get the next

hypochondriac in here, we gota schedule to meet here and it’s two for

one HMO billing day.

Groucho: Is there any illness that can cause these symptoms? How about

Lyme disease?

Chico: Nope it could not be Lyme, we tested you for that and you were

negative.

Groucho: How can be sure, was the culture negative?

Chico: I ain’t got no culture.

Groucho: Well that’s obvious, but what about my blood.

Chico: No, you don’t understand, there is no culture for Lyme disease.

We look for your body’s response to Lyme infection.

Groucho: Is the test accurate?

Chico: It is very accurate, 100% of the people who come in here and test

positive have Lyme disease.

Groucho: What about the others?

Chico: They don’t have it.

Groucho: How do you know that they don’t have it?

Chico: What are you some kinda wise guy, I told you, we know that they

don’t have it because they test negative.

Groucho: Well what if they had it and the test didn’t detect it?

Chico: You must have been dropped on your head when you were a baby.

What kind of test would that be? How could we diagnose anybody with Lyme

with a test like that? I told you before that 100% of the people who

test positive have Lyme disease so we know that it works.

Groucho: I see, (looks at the audience), I bet his parents fed him on a

diet that included heavy metals. Well I don’t understand, I have all of

the symptoms associated with Lyme, and the medication for Lyme helps me.

If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck it’s a duck.

Chico: Nope, sometimes it’s a no duck, sometimes it’s Fibromyalgia.

Groucho: That an odd name for a duck, does it still fly south in the

winter?

Chico: Fibromyalgia, she’s a no duck. It could be M.S., or Lupus, I

don’t know. Now pay the man at the door, (yells out), Pinky get the next

guy.

Groucho: (looks at the audience) With all this talking about ducks its

no wonder this guy’s a quack. What is Fibromyalgia?

Chico: I don’t know.

Groucho: What causes it?

Chico: I don’t know.

Groucho: Are there any good tests for it?

Chico: Yes, the Lyme test.

Groucho: Silly me, I thought that test was for Lyme disease.

Chico: It is for Lyme disease, but if you are negative for that test

then you must have Fibromyalgia.

Groucho: What if the test didn’t work?

Chico: Here we go again, did they take you to the zoo a lot in school?

Groucho: No they didn’t, but if they did I probably would have seen your

family in its natural habitat.

Chico: My advice to you is to take a hot bath, walk around the block and

go see a funny movie.

Groucho: Is that all isn’t there anything that you can suggest to

minimize my suffering.

Chico: Yes, learn to live with it, and while your at it learn to breathe

underwater.

Groucho: I think learning to breathe underwater would be easier. Well

thanks a lot doc, you have cured me, where would we be without the

marvels of modern medicine?

Chico: (yells), NEXT

Harpo: Honk

" When you cease to make a contribution you begin to die "

Eleanor Roosevelt