HUMOR: Miscellaneous and LONG

[Guest guest]

Okay it is long. But I missed a couple of days -- so I am making up for it?

These were really good.

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Genuine Proof Cats Have a Sense of Humor!

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Absolutely Vital Things to Know About Taking a Bath

When you leave a bath to run by itself, the plug jumps just as

you leave the bathroom and you return to an empty bath just as

the hot water runs out.

Spiders can run round the bath faster than you can.

If you run a bath too hot you don't realize this until you sit

in the other end and burn your rear end.

It is physically impossible to turn a tap on or off with your

foot.

When you lie back in the bath, your right foot slips forward

until it is positioned exactly beneath the dripping tap.

The odd flannel you are using to wash yourself is not a flannel

at all; it is a sock which has fallen from above.

The dirt you wash off yourself gathers on the surface of the water

and then re-attaches itself to you as you rise to leave.

Lost soap is ALWAYS behind you.

When you get out of the bath, the first bit you dry is the one

bit you just realized you forgot to wash.

However hard you dry yourself, you are still wet when you put

your clothes on.

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On the church newsletter were these instructions - Hold this paper

close to your nose and breath deeply.

If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.

If it turns blue see your dentist.

If it turns red see your bank manager.

If it turns black, you need to check your will so see your lawyer

immediately.

If, however, it does not change colour then there is nothing wrong

with you and so there is no reason why you should not be in church

again next week.

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Rules of CHOCOLATE!

~ If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too

slowly.

~ Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices &

strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

~ The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home

from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

~ Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll

take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

~ A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily

intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

~ If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top

of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they

will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

~ If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white

chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each

other?

~ Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

~ Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?

A. Because no one wants to quit.

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