Re: Painful Confession, an Inning & Outing of Sorts - Kathy F.

[Guest guest]

Kathy F.,

You are truly one of my greatest heroes. Thank you for your

concern and the tip about polyarthritis designation and meds. I am

hopeful that one of the other two proteins are not as foreign to my

system if, indeed, the doctors think it is wise for me to try them.

Though I have lived through 30 years of arthritis symptoms that

remained undiagnosed until psoriasis finally manifested its ugly

self a little over a year ago, I have had a good life none-the-

less. Those 30 years encouraged me to maintain a healthy lifestyle

because the arthritis syptoms were always better when I was

holistically good to myself. Now, despite and because of the PA, I

may be in better shape than many other 50 year-olds. I believe the

average life expectancy of Africans is less than I have already

lived. In my most secret, fearful moments of having inadequate

insulation for my neurons, I think I allowed myself to experience my

apprehensions enough to fully understand them; but, I did not wish

to wallow in the awfulness of what is or may be. So, I got on with

my life as best I could. Part of my getting on was avoiding sharing

here and other places: it would have become property of the group,

essentially out of my control. As I was losing control of my

functions, I seemed to need to contain my experiences as best I

could.

Now that my neurons are more effectively firing, I thought it

may be helpful to the others, here, if I did " out " my experiences.

My writing about what has happened to me over the last while has

given me appreciation for the effective way I took care of myself

with life's latest trial. Please pardon words in that last sentence

that seem to be both, too prideful and too damn iambically rhyming

(gushing over themselves actually). Seriously, I write those words

because I believe it is healthy for us to recognise when we do

things that are good for our being. I have gained new appreciation

for speaking and walking and holding my pee. I have gained empathy

for those whose neurons are misbehaving.

Thanks again, Kathy F. ....Brent

[Editor's Note: What an interesting day - one list member views me as ignorant

and mean while another views me as a hero, LOL. The reality, of course, is that

I am neither devil nor deity, but thanks, Brent, for the kind words. They came

at a good moment (not that there's ever a bad moment for saying something nice

to someone).

The coming out process is an integral part of self-acceptance, but before a

person can come out (be it for a disease, being gay, being unfaithful, etc.), I

think there is a phase that requires us to turn inward. The inward period is

when we try to digest all that is happening, what it means, what we fear, how we

feel, how we think we're supposed to feel, how we think others will feel, how we

think others will feel if we don't feel the way they think we should feel. It

is probably appropriately termed the whirling dervish phase when everything

seems out of control and utterly beyond comprehension. I don't see how anyone

can turn outward while they are being spun in this centrifuge of confusion.

Once the twirling stops, we can catch our breath and begin to sort things out

piece, by piece. This is when we ACKNOWLEDGE our experiences, our fears, our

pains and our ignorance. It is often during this phase that we begin to talk to

others, maybe to calm our fears, maybe to fill our knowledge gaps, maybe to

provide reassurance, maybe just to validate our experience through public

declaration. It is not surprising, then, that you went through a period where

talking with the group about what you were going through was not possible. I

have always believed that we need to look inward before we are ready to reach

outward. Oh, and we pardon iambic rhythms, poignant pentameters and even pithy

puns. It is so good to have you back. Kathy F.]