List: continuing comment

[Guest guest]

List,

Thank you.

I have received a number of very supportive messages both on and off

list. I was telling my wife the other day that this is quite the

lonely disease. She was offended because she has given me so much

support. I did some rethinking and she is right. It is lonely only

in the sense that all of us die alone and there is no way that anyone

can share much of the pathology burden. I have received many phone

calls and e-mails: they have truly been welcome. They do help share

the load in a way that I can't easily define.

My wife then went on to tell me that she won't discount the

possibility that we will have family and friends waiting to welcome

us when we die. I laughed and told her that no cancer patient should

hear this kind of nonsense. If she wanted to say something

constructive she could say that she knows that if I die during the

coming year I'll surely plummet straight to hell -- that way I'll

fight to cling on to dear life..!!

I have been very upbeat. Like a dog with a fresh bone I really enjoy

latching on to this very difficult problem to solve. There are many

tools that I can use to kill most of the cancer very quickly, and all

of them would put me at high risk of the cancer turning ulcerative

and I would still end up with the surgery that I am trying so hard to

avoid. If I kill it too slowly then it will go into a quasi-stable

mode and continue its course of genetic devolution -- again this

would lead to exenteration. One of the better natural strategies is

allowing the cancer to round out and encapsulate. But this, or any

unwanted inflammation, could cause a complete bowel obstruction

necessitating surgery. If I use stem cells to try to rebuild the

rectal wall, the new cells could easily be entrained to become

cancerous too. I do try to play to my strengths: I am patient and

reflective. I recognize my weaknesses: I could be better organized

and I'm intolerant of pain.

How could get cancer?!

I think I knew it for about a year (family history, BRCA2 oncogene,

symptoms) but I could not narrow it down. It turned out that it is a

very rare one: only one in a thousand rectal cancers are

squamous. The other major factor is the adversarial stance that was

taken by my HMO. I could get no cooperation with prevention,

diagnosis, or assessment. They have the diagnostic equipment -- I don't.

On the other hand there are things that I missed. During past year a

number of people would ask me if I was in pain as I would take stairs

slowly and sit slowly. I didn't feel pain -- but apparently

something inside knew that something was going on. Normally I'm very

lean and light on my feet.

Each week I teach on the recognizing of the subtle signs of

cancer. It never dawned on me that these applied to me. I could not

sleep during early morning hours and I had many signs of autonomic

dysfunction. These included temperature regulation, sudomotor

response, regional variance in electrical potential, the " need " for

coffee in the afternoon, etc.

I was thrown off a bit because all my main tumor markers are well

within reference range and my HMO docs were all so absolutely

insistent that I did not have cancer. Any human health care advisor

should only say that they can't find anything at this time thus

keeping the door open. Any physician should be willing to physically

examine the patient (they thought that I didn't need to be digitally

examined.) They should be willing to listen to the insured's

symptoms and they should be willing to at least look at the

diagnostic findings from other clinics. I think that in future

seminars I will devote a few hours to teaching diagnostic physical

examination of self and friends. There is little I can do to change

the greater medical practices paradigm.

I do think that humor can be quite healing. To this end I think

that I'll write of book that will compile all the corporate mission

statements of pharmaceutical companies, health insurance companies,

and every other cutthroat business that cloaks itself in altruism and

service. When one of my sons was four years old he asked me, " Dad,

is it possible for a joke to be so funny that a person never stops

laughing? " Maybe, but some humor can be so black that one never

stops groaning -- cruel jokes such as mission statements of the

medical industries.

List, thanks again for all the encouragement. My current plan is to

be extremely transparent in all my treatment choices. I will be

doing my strategies at the retreat center along with everyone

else. For example it is much easier to sit in the Von Ardenne

hyperthermia sauna (with sensitizers) if others are in there with you.