Re: /work/everything

[Guest guest]

, can you tolerate just a tiny bit more of armchair psycobabble? We spend

an awful lot of our energy [which we really need to ration out] worrying about

things that never, never happen. Sometimes, it's better to think what is the

worst thing that could happen??? In your case, is it your husband leaving

you???? If so, imagine it and figure how how you could cope with that one bad

situation [that probably won't happen] sometimes we figure out (1) that it's not

the " worst " thing that could happen (2) we see that maybe life would be better

if we did actually cope with that one bad thing. This is just a mental

exercise....I'm not suggesting you rush out and do anything different....But

I'll bet you would be proud of how resilient you could become. You just need to

know that you can cope...you are capable...you are not dependent even if you

have a disabling disease, you are not handicapped. Enough. I promise not to

preach further. Sylvia

mlw402@... wrote:Hi ,

Whoaaa....you still have a lot going on. Glad your MRI confirmed what you

already knew that your SI joint was ACtiVE. It is obvous manypeople on this

forum care about you and all of them have given you good advice. I will keep

the

prayers coming!

Marti

P.S. I probably shouldn't say this but if you really did lose your husband I

don't think it would be entirely bad for you......Anyway..take one thing at a

time and deal with what is a reality now. Forgive me if I'm off base about

the hubby.

[Guest guest]

Marty,

My husband is being better. He even let me take his car the last 4 days since

my A/C went out. I was surprised he let me since he drives 45 min. to work and

" hates driving my car. "

take care,

[ ] /work/everything

Hi ,

Whoaaa....you still have a lot going on. Glad your MRI confirmed what you

already knew that your SI joint was ACtiVE. It is obvous manypeople on this

forum care about you and all of them have given you good advice. I will keep

the

prayers coming!

Marti

P.S. I probably shouldn't say this but if you really did lose your husband I

don't think it would be entirely bad for you......Anyway..take one thing at a

time and deal with what is a reality now. Forgive me if I'm off base about

the hubby.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 6/7/2003 9:40:11 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

leslieiansa@... writes:

> My husband is being better.

,

You mentioned that your were going for counseling. Would your husband go

with you.

Janet

[Guest guest]

Nope. I've already asked him. And, just when I say he is being better he turns

into a jerk again. He just doesn't understand " why I am depressed all the

time. " I have been pushing for us to move right away telling him it's

ridiculous for me to drive 100 miles a day to go and come from work (that's 2

hrs. traveling to work only 4 hrs.) and that I wasn't even making that much

money. He made some comment about my working having nothing to do with money -

that it was to just get me out of the house so I would feel better. He thinks

me staying at home all day gets me feeling worse. I couldn't believe his ears.

Here I am struggling to walk and feeling like I am dying because I am in so much

pain and he thinks making me drive over 2 hrs a day is supposed to help me! I

told him I was feeling worse physically. Each day I am in more pain. I am

getting worse, not getting better. I told him that even my GP was surprised

that he was making me go to work when my health was deteriorating. He then

broke out into the speech that he hates my doctors because they don't " fix "

me... When I went on short term disability it was supposed to get me well and I

didn't... Nothing gets me well and these doctors don't help me... Well

neither is he. Since I have started this stupid job my pain level hasn't gotten

below a six. I am really at a loss. Of course we had a huge fight over this

and he told me that I am not the same person I used to be. I can't help it if I

am depressed or I never feel good. When I tell him how awful I feel he tells me

that it's not his fault - it's not mine either. No person would ever want this

type of life. I swear if I could financially support myself I would just leave

his butt.

Re: [ ] /work/everything

In a message dated 6/7/2003 9:40:11 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

leslieiansa@... writes:

> My husband is being better.

,

You mentioned that your were going for counseling. Would your husband go

with you.

Janet

[Guest guest]

Sylvia,

That's a good idea. I don't take it as preaching. I wouldn't have posted the

message if I didn't want advice. I tend to worry about everything. My husband

has also pointed out to me before that I am pessimistic. To be honest, my

husband leaving me is quite possible. If it were to happen I have absolutely no

idea what I would do. I can't work full time, therefore I can't support myself.

I would live with my mom, except that my stepfather is on the selfish side and

probably wouldn't allow it. I could try to stay with my sister but her

boyfriend is pretty selfish, and cocky, too so that wouldn't work. I might be

able to stay with my dad except my stepmom is a prescription drug abuser and

would steal all my medication so I really wouldn't want to go that route either.

And, even if I could stay with any of them (which I highly doubt) I would

definitely have to give up my beloved dog - and I just don't think I could do

that. She's just about the only thing that keeps me sane. It would be bad

enough losing my husband but losing my dog too - that's just too much. Even

just thinking about it has me in tears (of course more so the husband than the

dog). I used to be very independent and a very strong person. I am not

anymore. I am tired of fighting this disease. I feel like it has made me so

weak. It's like I've kinda given up and I know that I shouldn't but I can't

help it. It's kinda ironic because that's what probably bothers my husband the

most. Sorry, I know that's not exactly coping. My coping skills have never

been great which is probably why I try to avoid my problems rather than dealing

with them.

take care,

[Guest guest]

,

Hang in there. You need to try and take your husband to talk with a good

counsellor or doctor who is familiar with chronic illnesses and who your

husband might consider enough of an authority figure to listen to. Most of

us with some form of chronic, debilitating condition have experience this

attitude from people in their life who have never had significant health

problems. Your husband seems to be toward the extreme end of the continuum.

My heart goes out to you. I think that men often are more unfeeling and

abusive about this sort of thing than women. My father who hardly ever got

sick considered my mother to be a hypocondriac and did little to help her

when she had health problems.

You might try reminding him of his marriage vows and the way you both felt

when you entered into them. If they included the part about " in sickness

and in health " be sure to point it out.

His attitude about " getting you out of the house " by making you commute 4

hours a day and working half a day when you are ill is outrageous and

downright wrong. Only if it supports your return to health should you be

doing such things.

Sometimes there is justice for these types of people, but it usually

doesn't arrive in time to do you much good. When I was quite ill with

Mononucleosis during college, my closest friend refused to acknowledge that

I was very sick and did nothing to help me. As far as he was concerned,

you got over Mono in a few weeks and that was that. The docs told me that

I had the worst case they had ever seen. Unexpectedly about 3 years later,

HE came down with a fairly severe case of the same thing, which has

likewise affected his health for many years.

Try and keep your spirits up knowing that there are many of us out there

who understand and are rooting for you!

I'll keep you in my prayers.

....

[Guest guest]

Sometimes it takes years for someone to accept your condition. I know my

father was in denial for a long time.

>He just doesn't understand " why I am depressed all the time. "

i wouldnt even both trying to explain that to him anymore. Its like talking

to a wall, he obviously doesnt understand chronic pain = depression. i

remember when i was a kid and my mother was in so much pain all the time...

And my father didnt understand why she wasnt happy.. So i didnt understand

it either.. If your not chronically sick, you'll probably never understand.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 6/10/2003 1:32:11 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

leslieiansa@... writes:

> I swear if I could financially support myself I would just leave his butt.

,

I am older then you and know what you are going through. I am now married 19

years and my husband treats me well. Sometimes he does not understand

everything I am going through but on the whole a good man. My first husband who

I

was married to for 3 years sounds just like your present husband. I left when

my daughter was 8 months old because I could not take anymore of his shit. He

was also a substance abuser and alcoholic. I was living out west in

Albuquerque, came bake to NY and started a new life. I lived with my mom for 3

months, got a full time job, daycare and my own apartment. Believe me there are

ways. Can't your family help you. This stress is making your PA worse. You

need to get away from him. I apologize if I am overstepping my bounds here.

Janet

[Guest guest]

leslieiansa@... writes:

<<I swear if I could financially support myself I would just leave his butt.>>

,

Does he know this? Maybe if he does know it he will feel a little fear himself.

Also, I hate to pose this question, but since you are SO GOOD with constructive

questions, I will ask. When you were on disability, did you take care of

yourself? Did you do everything you could do to get better? Physical therapy,

good diet, moving as much as you can handle, etc? It might be upsetting to him

that when you did have time off you didn't take care of you?

Just a thought.

[Guest guest]

, I am an avoider and a worrier, too. I guess that's why I recognize that

trait in others. But have faith that you will not be put in the street. You

will find that you can cope when you HAVE to, but don't borrow trouble worrying

until you must. Just do what you've thought out and choose whatever is least

offensive to you. Just keep on " keeping on " till it works out. Sylvia

<leslieiansa@...> wrote:Sylvia,

That's a good idea. I don't take it as preaching. I wouldn't have posted the

message if I didn't want advice. I tend to worry about everything. My husband

has also pointed out to me before that I am pessimistic. To be honest, my

husband leaving me is quite possible. If it were to happen I have absolutely no

idea what I would do. I can't work full time, therefore I can't support myself.

I would live with my mom, except that my stepfather is on the selfish side and

probably wouldn't allow it. I could try to stay with my sister but her

boyfriend is pretty selfish, and cocky, too so that wouldn't work. I might be

able to stay with my dad except my stepmom is a prescription drug abuser and

would steal all my medication so I really wouldn't want to go that route either.

And, even if I could stay with any of them (which I highly doubt) I would

definitely have to give up my beloved dog - and I just don't think I could do

that. She's just about the only thing that keeps me sane. It would be bad

enough losing my husband but losing my dog too - that's just too much. Even

just thinking about it has me in tears (of course more so the husband than the

dog). I used to be very independent and a very strong person. I am not

anymore. I am tired of fighting this disease. I feel like it has made me so

weak. It's like I've kinda given up and I know that I shouldn't but I can't

help it. It's kinda ironic because that's what probably bothers my husband the

most. Sorry, I know that's not exactly coping. My coping skills have never

been great which is probably why I try to avoid my problems rather than dealing

with them.

take care,

[Guest guest]

,

I am trying to convince my husband to come with me to the psychologist or doc.

but he thinks they are all full of B.S. and hates them for not helping me get

well. Strangely enough he has been incredibly sweet the last few days. Your

right though. My husband has never been ill. He won't even take an aspirin for

a headache so I can see why he doesn't understand why I take so many pills.

I have reminded him of our vows repeatedly. I think the problem is he can be

kind of insensitive at times I am probably over-emotional. We have our bad days

and then every thing is fine. I really think we are just going through a rough

time.

Okay, I am trying to see this from his point of view - I think he said the

" getting me out of the house " thing because when I wasn't working I would

sometimes go 1 or 2 days without leaving the house. I think that's

understandable if you don't feel good. Some days I would stay in my pajamas

all day.

I told him that if he wants me working we have to move b/c I can't handle

driving that much. He was even letting me use his car b/c the seats were much

softer. I told him how much it hurt for me to drive and he had asked me if it

still hurt driving his car. I told him it did. Driving period makes me hurt.

Anyway, if we don't move soon I think I will look for another job.

Thanks and be well.

[Guest guest]

Mike,

<I wouldn't even both trying to explain that to him anymore. Its like talking to

a wall>

That's what my best friend said (who knows us both). She said that it's a

useless fight and I should just let it go. She said that she knows he really

loves me and is concerned about me but that he is having a hard time accepting

it (yeah me too). The funny thing is that I think he is depressed too (why else

would the drug prob. come into place). The difference is that I am getting help

and he won't.

Are your parents okay now? Maybe I am naive but I am hoping this is a problem

we can overcome.

take care,

[Guest guest]

,

No, he knows that I depend on him right now. I think that's why he pushes all

my buttons when we fight. He knows if he says those things that I won't leave

him.

When I was on disability I went to physical therapy, counseling and stress

management (very beneficial), tried to learn meditation (couldn't concentrate

long enough to be successful), had acupuncture (was helping until my back

started flaring), saw a chiropractor (quit b/c of cost), slept alot (even did

sleep study), saw I don't know how many specialists, etc. I'm even trying

hypnosis now. I have never tried to diet or any of those elimination diets. I

don't have the want or the self control. I have always had a fast

metabolism(except when on prednisone). I do try to eat healthy (veggies, fruit,

etc.) but I also have a tendency to eat alot of sweets. I don't eat any fast

food though. I have tried to exercise but I never seem to stick with it long.

I do take my dog on walks though.

And, I was working with the TX (voc.) rehab. commission. They assist people

with disabilities with vocational schooling to attain a job that will

accommodate their disability. I really want to go back to school but I'm not

going to bite off more than I can chew. That will have to come later.

take care,

'i'm really not sure what else I could do (but open to any suggestions)