Stress and PA

[Guest guest]

Dear --

You are so young to be going through so much. I hope you can find the strength

to rise above all this and put your life together in a way that works better for

you. It will not be easy but I am pulling for you.

Cheri

[ ] Stress and PA

This isn't a sob story but I have to get this out. As many of you know I have

had an ongoing struggle with my husband regarding his inability to cope and

accept my illness, medications and of course his subsequent drug use. Well, as

if I didn't have enough on my plate as it is.....my husband has decided that

even though he loves me he no longer wants to be with me. Of course I have to

wonder what direct role has my PA had on his decision. We had a good

relationship before I got sick. When I got really sick was about the same time

that he started heavily using drugs. I always wonder if he did that to cope

with me being sick. I'm 26 and he's 24 (been together for 5 years) so I'm

pretty sure he's sick of having a sick wife. That's all we ever fought about.

I never feel good, why do I take all these meds (in his mind t hey are drugs),

I'm a hypochondriac, these doctors are killing me, these meds are killing me

etc. I know it ! damaged our relationship. So, I'll make this short so I don't

start crying again. I am flaring pretty badly. Trying to not stay stressed but

that's pretty impossible right now considering my situation. We were supposed

to be moving Sunday but now it will only be me. I don't make very much money so

I am stressing about that. I know right now I can't take care of myself

financially and that is the worst feeling world (well next to losing the person

that you love most in the world). He told me that he cares about me but he's

ready for a new life. I know he thinks I am holding him down. He did say that

he wanted to take care of me (will keep the insurance, help with bills, etc.).

That is comforting and confusing and I am not sure I can trust myself to depend

on him I am so scared and not ready for such a drastic change (emotionally). I

am just at a lost. It's like it's not enough for me to PA and it keeps g!

etting worse and worse, nothing works, and now I lose my husba! nd. ; I am so

exhausted, I don't know how much more my body and mind can take of this.

[Guest guest]

,

First, I am so very sorry to hear about the changes in your life. Stress is

horrible on PA. I just went through a big ordeal and still flaring pretty

badly. I know it seems like more salt on the wounds when you have to go

through this and then have a flare on top of it.

Second, find a good counselor. I've been through counseling before, and it

is worth it. You need the support, if nothing else. During a time like

this we don't always think as clearly ... our emotions run away with us, and

that is a normal reaction. You have so many things running through your

head ... losing your marriage, financial concerns, losing your home, your

health ... it can be too overhwelming. A good counselor would help you work

through all that and even put you in touch with other community resources

that would be of help to you.

I " m not going to give you platitudes about how maybe you are better off

without him, etc. However, he is young, and hiding behind drugs and running

away from your relationship is how he is handling his fears and emotions.

The future with you probably looks very dim and frightening to him. You can

ask him if he would be willing to go to counseling with you. He does seem

to still love you and care for you and want the best for you, but he is

having great difficulty handling the whole situation. Contact the Arthritis

Foundation in your area. Do they have support groups there? Or maybe

someone does? Even if there are no groups for PA, find a group for RA. The

symptoms and effects are similar. See if he would go with you to a support

group. He needs to see how other couples survive a diagnosis of PA or RA.

I am fortunate to have a dedicated and caring partner, but then we are 45

and 52 ... we had a good many years together before I developed PA, so our

relationship and ourselves was already mature. However, there have been

some bumps along the way and I " ve had to learn how it looks on her end to

live with my PA and the possible future that PA portends.

Please hang in there ... there are wonderful people on this list that will

be with you all the way ... we've all experienced what you are experiencing

in one way or another, so lean on us .. that's what we're here for!

Jo

-- [ ] Stress and PA

This isn't a sob stohusband regarding his inability to cope and accept my

illness, medications and of course his subsequent drug use. Well, as if I

didn't have enough on my plate as it is.....my husband has decided that even

though he loves me he no longer wants to be with me. Of course I have to

wonder what direct role has my PA had on his decision. We had a good

relationship before I got sick. When I got really sick was about the same

time that he started heavily using drugs. I always wonder if he did that to

cope with me being sick. I'm 26 and he's 24 (been together for 5 years) so

I'm pretty ry but I have to get this out. As many of you know I have had an

ongoing struggle with my sure he's sick of having a sick wife. That's all

we ever fought about. I never feel good, why do I take all these meds (in

his mind t hey are drugs), I'm a hypochondriac, these doctors are killing me

these meds are killing me etc. I know it damaged our relationship. So, I

ll make this short so I don't start crying again. I am flaring pretty badly

Trying to not stay stressed but that's pretty impossible right now

considering my situation. We were supposed to be moving Sunday but now it

will only be me. I don't make very much money so I am stressing about that.

I know right now I can't take care of myself financially and that is the

worst feeling world (well next to losing the person that you love most in

the world). He told me that he cares about me but he's ready for a new life.

I know he thinks I am holding him down. He did say that he wanted to take

care of me (will keep the insurance, help with bills, etc.). That is

comforting and confusing and I am not sure I can trust myself to depend on

him I am so scared and not ready for such a drastic change (emotionally).

I am just at a lost. It's like it's not enough for me to PA and it keeps

getting worse and worse, nothing works, and now I lose my husband. I am so

exhausted, I don't know how much more my body and mind can take of this.

[Guest guest]

, I don't know what to say. I feel so bad for you, with

everything else you have to cope with, you did NOT need this. One

thing I will say, don't blame yourself or your illness for his drug

use. HE made that choice, not YOU. Regardless of what else is

going on in his life or yours, HE has the drug problem and probably

would have had it whether you got sick or not. It's just a good

excuse for him to do what he'd have done anyway. Big hugs to you,

and know that we are there for you emotionally even though we can't

be there physically.

Penny

> This isn't a sob story but I have to get this out. As many of you

know I have had an ongoing struggle with my husband regarding his

inability to cope and accept my illness, medications and of course

his subsequent drug use. Well, as if I didn't have enough on my

plate as it is.....my husband has decided that even though he loves

me he no longer wants to be with me. Of course I have to wonder

what direct role has my PA had on his decision. We had a good

relationship before I got sick. When I got really sick was about

the same time that he started heavily using drugs. I always wonder

if he did that to cope with me being sick. I'm 26 and he's 24 (been

together for 5 years) so I'm pretty sure he's sick of having a sick

wife. That's all we ever fought about. I never feel good, why do I

take all these meds (in his mind t hey are drugs), I'm a

hypochondriac, these doctors are killing me, these meds are killing

me etc. I know it damaged our relationship. So, I'll make this

short so I don't start crying again. I am flaring pretty badly.

Trying to not stay stressed but that's pretty impossible right now

considering my situation. We were supposed to be moving Sunday but

now it will only be me. I don't make very much money so I am

stressing about that. I know right now I can't take care of myself

financially and that is the worst feeling world (well next to losing

the person that you love most in the world). He told me that he

cares about me but he's ready for a new life. I know he thinks I am

holding him down. He did say that he wanted to take care of me (will

keep the insurance, help with bills, etc.). That is comforting and

confusing and I am not sure I can trust myself to depend on him I

am so scared and not ready for such a drastic change (emotionally).

I am just at a lost. It's like it's not enough for me to PA and it

keeps getting worse and worse, nothing works, and now I lose my

husband. I am so exhausted, I don't know how much more my body and

mind can take of this.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

-Dear ,

I am so sorry to hear about your husband's decision to leave you. If

it helps to not be alone I can tell you that some years ago I was

engaged and the guy swore my P and PA didn't matter. Well it didn't

until he learned about the very real limitations the illnesses

imposed on me. He broke it off.

One of the first things you learn in Al-Anon is the 3 c's. You

didn't Cause your husband's drug problem, you can't Control it , and

you can't Cure it. Your hubby will have to take responsibility for

his own addiction. Your illnesses didn't cause it.

I am sure you will make it thru this tough time. You are the strong

one!

e-mail me if you want.

Marti

[Guest guest]

,

Unfortunately, I can sympathize with you....I was in a relationship

with a man for 3 years. In the begining I was not so sick or atleast

I hid it alot better. Then as the relationship, the pa got worse.

Actually in the begining I did not know what I had. As time went by

it got worse, I was sick all the time the meds made me sick too.

When I was on the meds I was a different person. We had a great

relationship. We never faught.....as amazing as that may sound. He

was very sweet and sensitive, he traveled for his job and the closer

we got the more he started pulling away mostly, because he could not

stand watching me sick all the time. I had other problems besides

the pa. so that did not help the situation either. As i'm sure you

can imagine. Sounds like you are living it. It just kept going

downhill, he stopped communicating and I know it's because of my

being sick. My family all turned against him because he stopped

comming around......but I understand more than they do why he

stopped coming around. After 3 years, it was so hard to just let him

walk away. We were so close, he could just kiss me and he knew I did

not feel well. I'm mostly telling you all of this because I do

understand how you feel, minus the husband with a drug problem. I

too, can't support myself. This is terrible too, I am in school part-

time and work full-time at a major hospital in town. Although, my

pay is pretty good, around 1400 a month before taxes, insurance,

401k, medications, doctors appointments ect. I know I spend atleast

120 a month just in prescription copays not to mention the numerous

specialists copays. This is why I am so commited to graduating

nursing school. I want so badly to independent. I was until the PA

and other problems happened. I somehow managed to live by myself

from the age of 19 until this last year. I just wanted to let you

know you are not alone. I pray you don't stress yourself too much.

Good luck,

Keli

> This isn't a sob story but I have to get this out. As many of you

know I have had an ongoing struggle with my husband regarding his

inability to cope and accept my illness, medications and of course

his subsequent drug use. Well, as if I didn't have enough on my

plate as it is.....my husband has decided that even though he loves

me he no longer wants to be with me. Of course I have to wonder

what direct role has my PA had on his decision. We had a good

relationship before I got sick. When I got really sick was about

the same time that he started heavily using drugs. I always wonder

if he did that to cope with me being sick. I'm 26 and he's 24 (been

together for 5 years) so I'm pretty sure he's sick of having a sick

wife. That's all we ever fought about. I never feel good, why do I

take all these meds (in his mind t hey are drugs), I'm a

hypochondriac, these doctors are killing me, these meds are killing

me etc. I know it damaged our relationship. So, I'll make this

short so I don't start crying again. I am flaring pretty badly.

Trying to not stay stressed but that's pretty impossible right now

considering my situation. We were supposed to be moving Sunday but

now it will only be me. I don't make very much money so I am

stressing about that. I know right now I can't take care of myself

financially and that is the worst feeling world (well next to losing

the person that you love most in the world). He told me that he

cares about me but he's ready for a new life. I know he thinks I am

holding him down. He did say that he wanted to take care of me (will

keep the insurance, help with bills, etc.). That is comforting and

confusing and I am not sure I can trust myself to depend on him I

am so scared and not ready for such a drastic change (emotionally).

I am just at a lost. It's like it's not enough for me to PA and it

keeps getting worse and worse, nothing works, and now I lose my

husband. I am so exhausted, I don't know how much more my body and

mind can take of this.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I wonder about stress and PA too. I have been going through so much

over the past year with me and my husband being separated. The past

month we have spent a lot of time together and calling each other on

the phone. Things were going to much better. I hadn't heard from

him since Tuesday and I finally found someone today to go this apt

and check on him. I thought maybe he was out of town but I found out

last night his car was there. They found him in his lounge chair.

The medical examiner said he had been dead since Tuesday. I am so

desponant and so down right now I don't know what I am going to do.

I just needed to tell someone that I need prayers now. I am sure my

arthritis is now really going to kick in. I am waiting on insurance

to get meds for it but I just hurt so bad.

Debby

-- In , " "

<leslieiansa@h...> wrote:

> This isn't a sob story but I have to get this out. As many of you

know I have had an ongoing struggle with my husband regarding his

inability to cope and accept my illness, medications and of course

his subsequent drug use. Well, as if I didn't have enough on my

plate as it is.....my husband has decided that even though he loves

me he no longer wants to be with me. Of course I have to wonder

what direct role has my PA had on his decision. We had a good

relationship before I got sick. When I got really sick was about

the same time that he started heavily using drugs. I always wonder

if he did that to cope with me being sick. I'm 26 and he's 24 (been

together for 5 years) so I'm pretty sure he's sick of having a sick

wife. That's all we ever fought about. I never feel good, why do I

take all these meds (in his mind t hey are drugs), I'm a

hypochondriac, these doctors are killing me, these meds are killing

me etc. I know it damaged our relationship. So, I'll make this

short so I don't start crying again. I am flaring pretty badly.

Trying to not stay stressed but that's pretty impossible right now

considering my situation. We were supposed to be moving Sunday but

now it will only be me. I don't make very much money so I am

stressing about that. I know right now I can't take care of myself

financially and that is the worst feeling world (well next to losing

the person that you love most in the world). He told me that he

cares about me but he's ready for a new life. I know he thinks I am

holding him down. He did say that he wanted to take care of me (will

keep the insurance, help with bills, etc.). That is comforting and

confusing and I am not sure I can trust myself to depend on him I

am so scared and not ready for such a drastic change (emotionally).

I am just at a lost. It's like it's not enough for me to PA and it

keeps getting worse and worse, nothing works, and now I lose my

husband. I am so exhausted, I don't know how much more my body and

mind can take of this.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Debby --

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Please reach out for

the people nearest to you who can help you in any way you need. You will need

all of your strength and that of anyone else who is willing to help. Keep us

posted on how you are doing.

I wish you strength and peace, Cheri

[ ] Re: Stress and PA

I wonder about stress and PA too. I have been going through so much

over the past year with me and my husband being separated. The past

month we have spent a lot of time together and calling each other on

the phone. Things were going to much better. I hadn't heard from

him since Tuesday and I finally found someone today to go this apt

and check on him. I thought maybe he was out of town but I found out

last night his car was there. They found him in his lounge chair.

The medical examiner said he had been dead since Tuesday. I am so

desponant and so down right now I don't know what I am going to do.

I just needed to tell someone that I need prayers now. I am sure my

arthritis is now really going to kick in. I am waiting on insurance

to get meds for it but I just hurt so bad.

Debby

-- In , " "

<leslieiansa@h...> wrote:

> This isn't a sob story but I have to get this out. As many of you

know I have had an ongoing struggle with my husband regarding his

inability to cope and accept my illness, medications and of course

his subsequent drug use. Well, as if I didn't have enough on my

plate as it is.....my husband has decided that even though he loves

me he no longer wants to be with me. Of course I have to wonder

what direct role has my PA had on his decision. We had a good

relationship before I got sick. When I got really sick was about

the same time that he started heavily using drugs. I always wonder

if he did that to cope with me being sick. I'm 26 and he's 24 (been

together for 5 years) so I'm pretty sure he's sick of having a sick

wife. That's all we ever fought about. I never feel good, why do I

take all these meds (in his mind t hey are drugs), I'm a

hypochondriac, these doctors are killing me, these meds are killing

me etc. I know it damaged our relationship. So, I'll make this

short so I don't start crying again. I am flaring pretty badly.

Trying to not stay stressed but that's pretty impossible right now

considering my situation. We were supposed to be moving Sunday but

now it will only be me. I don't make very much money so I am

stressing about that. I know right now I can't take care of myself

financially and that is the worst feeling world (well next to losing

the person that you love most in the world). He told me that he

cares about me but he's ready for a new life. I know he thinks I am

holding him down. He did say that he wanted to take care of me (will

keep the insurance, help with bills, etc.). That is comforting and

confusing and I am not sure I can trust myself to depend on him I

am so scared and not ready for such a drastic change (emotionally).

I am just at a lost. It's like it's not enough for me to PA and it

keeps getting worse and worse, nothing works, and now I lose my

husband. I am so exhausted, I don't know how much more my body and

mind can take of this.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

-Oh Debby,

How horrible for you! Hang in there. You are in my thoughts and

prayers.

Marti

[Guest guest]

<leslieiansa@h...> wrote:

my husband has decided that even though he loves me he no longer wants to be

with me.

Oh , my heart goes out to you. You are young and although it may not seem

so today, if he truly feels this way..........you will be better off without his

added stress.

His drug use is HIS concern and he is using you as a skape goat.

Your health is the most important thing right now. Do whatever you need to do

to get the help you need.

Life is to short to spend it with someone who is not caring, compassionate and

loving.

Blessings and peace for you my friend.

Nanc

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/30/2003 2:22:34 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

leslieiansa@... writes:

> . I am just at a lost. It's like it's not enough for me to PA and it

> keeps getting worse and worse, nothing works, and now I lose my husband. I am

> so exhausted, I don't know how much more my body and mind can take of this.

>

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this but if your husband cannot be

there to support you then perhaps him leaving is a blessing in disguise. I

know it doesn't feel like it right now. Please get yourself into some kind of

support group and hopefully you also have family to support you. Perhaps if

you do split up it will actually relieve some of your stress.

Janet

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/31/2003 1:42:10 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

wolfslady1313@... writes:

> I am so

> desponant and so down right now I don't know what I am going to do.

> I just needed to tell someone that I need prayers now. I am sure my

> arthritis is now really going to kick in. I am waiting on insurance

> to get meds for it but I just hurt so bad.

Oh Debby. I am so sorry to hear about your husband. My prayers are with

you. I hope you have good support there with you. I was also divorced from my

first husband and remarried when I got a call that my ex was found dead in his

apartment as well. It still hurts since he was the father of my oldest

child. She is now 23 and it happened when she was 10.

Janet

[Guest guest]

Debby:

Saying I'm sorry seems like such a small sentiment given the overwhelming

feelings you are going through. I hope time is kind to you and your PA does not

flare up. Cry, beat pillows (very soft large ones) and let it out--soft hugs

and warm thoughts to you in this time of grief.

Take care!

Sally in Grass Valley

[ ] Re: Stress and PA

I wonder about stress and PA too. I have been going through so much

over the past year with me and my husband being separated. The past

month we have spent a lot of time together and calling each other on

the phone. Things were going to much better. I hadn't heard from

him since Tuesday and I finally found someone today to go this apt

and check on him. I thought maybe he was out of town but I found out

last night his car was there. They found him in his lounge chair.

The medical examiner said he had been dead since Tuesday. I am so

desponant and so down right now I don't know what I am going to do.

I just needed to tell someone that I need prayers now. I am sure my

arthritis is now really going to kick in. I am waiting on insurance

to get meds for it but I just hurt so bad.

Debby

-- In , " "

<leslieiansa@h...> wrote:

> This isn't a sob story but I have to get this out. As many of you

know I have had an ongoing struggle with my husband regarding his

inability to cope and accept my illness, medications and of course

his subsequent drug use. Well, as if I didn't have enough on my

plate as it is.....my husband has decided that even though he loves

me he no longer wants to be with me. Of course I have to wonder

what direct role has my PA had on his decision. We had a good

relationship before I got sick. When I got really sick was about

the same time that he started heavily using drugs. I always wonder

if he did that to cope with me being sick. I'm 26 and he's 24 (been

together for 5 years) so I'm pretty sure he's sick of having a sick

wife. That's all we ever fought about. I never feel good, why do I

take all these meds (in his mind t hey are drugs), I'm a

hypochondriac, these doctors are killing me, these meds are killing

me etc. I know it damaged our relationship. So, I'll make this

short so I don't start crying again. I am flaring pretty badly.

Trying to not stay stressed but that's pretty impossible right now

considering my situation. We were supposed to be moving Sunday but

now it will only be me. I don't make very much money so I am

stressing about that. I know right now I can't take care of myself

financially and that is the worst feeling world (well next to losing

the person that you love most in the world). He told me that he

cares about me but he's ready for a new life. I know he thinks I am

holding him down. He did say that he wanted to take care of me (will

keep the insurance, help with bills, etc.). That is comforting and

confusing and I am not sure I can trust myself to depend on him I

am so scared and not ready for such a drastic change (emotionally).

I am just at a lost. It's like it's not enough for me to PA and it

keeps getting worse and worse, nothing works, and now I lose my

husband. I am so exhausted, I don't know how much more my body and

mind can take of this.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Keli and :

Wow! I've always been very shy when it comes to relationships with men and have

never been in a serious relationship.

Keli I feel for you but at least you've experience a close relationship--Never

been there, never done that!

It seems whenever I tried to get close to a man, he was using me as a daliance

from his wife/significant other. I eventually just shut myself off from men

altogether. Most people think I'm gay or just weird. Well, I'm probably weird

but I'm nice weird.

Now with PA and PS, I think of myself wanting to get together with a man, like

myself who has PA or RA.

Keli--I've been on my own since I was 18 y/o. Managed to keep jobs even when

the PA was at its worst. Now have a Bachelor's degree--going to school helped

my self-esteem.

Thanks for sharing!

Sally in Grass Valley

[ ] Re: Stress and PA

,

Unfortunately, I can sympathize with you....I was in a relationship

with a man for 3 years. In the begining I was not so sick or atleast

I hid it alot better. Then as the relationship, the pa got worse.

Actually in the begining I did not know what I had. As time went by

it got worse, I was sick all the time the meds made me sick too.

When I was on the meds I was a different person. We had a great

relationship. We never faught.....as amazing as that may sound. He

was very sweet and sensitive, he traveled for his job and the closer

we got the more he started pulling away mostly, because he could not

stand watching me sick all the time. I had other problems besides

the pa. so that did not help the situation either. As i'm sure you

can imagine. Sounds like you are living it. It just kept going

downhill, he stopped communicating and I know it's because of my

being sick. My family all turned against him because he stopped

comming around......but I understand more than they do why he

stopped coming around. After 3 years, it was so hard to just let him

walk away. We were so close, he could just kiss me and he knew I did

not feel well. I'm mostly telling you all of this because I do

understand how you feel, minus the husband with a drug problem. I

too, can't support myself. This is terrible too, I am in school part-

time and work full-time at a major hospital in town. Although, my

pay is pretty good, around 1400 a month before taxes, insurance,

401k, medications, doctors appointments ect. I know I spend atleast

120 a month just in prescription copays not to mention the numerous

specialists copays. This is why I am so commited to graduating

nursing school. I want so badly to independent. I was until the PA

and other problems happened. I somehow managed to live by myself

from the age of 19 until this last year. I just wanted to let you

know you are not alone. I pray you don't stress yourself too much.

Good luck,

Keli

> This isn't a sob story but I have to get this out. As many of you

know I have had an ongoing struggle with my husband regarding his

inability to cope and accept my illness, medications and of course

his subsequent drug use. Well, as if I didn't have enough on my

plate as it is.....my husband has decided that even though he loves

me he no longer wants to be with me. Of course I have to wonder

what direct role has my PA had on his decision. We had a good

relationship before I got sick. When I got really sick was about

the same time that he started heavily using drugs. I always wonder

if he did that to cope with me being sick. I'm 26 and he's 24 (been

together for 5 years) so I'm pretty sure he's sick of having a sick

wife. That's all we ever fought about. I never feel good, why do I

take all these meds (in his mind t hey are drugs), I'm a

hypochondriac, these doctors are killing me, these meds are killing

me etc. I know it damaged our relationship. So, I'll make this

short so I don't start crying again. I am flaring pretty badly.

Trying to not stay stressed but that's pretty impossible right now

considering my situation. We were supposed to be moving Sunday but

now it will only be me. I don't make very much money so I am

stressing about that. I know right now I can't take care of myself

financially and that is the worst feeling world (well next to losing

the person that you love most in the world). He told me that he

cares about me but he's ready for a new life. I know he thinks I am

holding him down. He did say that he wanted to take care of me (will

keep the insurance, help with bills, etc.). That is comforting and

confusing and I am not sure I can trust myself to depend on him I

am so scared and not ready for such a drastic change (emotionally).

I am just at a lost. It's like it's not enough for me to PA and it

keeps getting worse and worse, nothing works, and now I lose my

husband. I am so exhausted, I don't know how much more my body and

mind can take of this.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

:

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Your husband has issues he needs to

work through despite your PA.

I know you still love him. I work in healthcare and take minutes for our

Infection Control Committee and need you to know something. If you two get

intimate even through all of your problems, be very careful and use safe sex

measures no matter what he tells you. To be quite graphic, even if it's oral

sex--use a condom and afterward rinse with Listerine. It is a statistical known

fact that drug users have a higher STD infection rate than other individuals.

You need to be the level headed one in this situation in using safe sex. This

is just a reality check and not meant to make you more upset. Through the

years, I've known couples to still be intimate even during their break up and

the last thing you need (or any body needs) given your PA is an STD.

Take care and good thoughts to you,

Sally in Grass Valley

[ ] Stress and PA

This isn't a sob story but I have to get this out. As many of you know I have

had an ongoing struggle with my husband regarding his inability to cope and

accept my illness, medications and of course his subsequent drug use. Well, as

if I didn't have enough on my plate as it is.....my husband has decided that

even though he loves me he no longer wants to be with me. Of course I have to

wonder what direct role has my PA had on his decision. We had a good

relationship before I got sick. When I got really sick was about the same time

that he started heavily using drugs. I always wonder if he did that to cope

with me being sick. I'm 26 and he's 24 (been together for 5 years) so I'm

pretty sure he's sick of having a sick wife. That's all we ever fought about.

I never feel good, why do I take all these meds (in his mind t hey are drugs),

I'm a hypochondriac, these doctors are killing me, these meds are killing me

etc. I know it damaged our relationship. So, I'll make this short so I don't

start crying again. I am flaring pretty badly. Trying to not stay stressed but

that's pretty impossible right now considering my situation. We were supposed

to be moving Sunday but now it will only be me. I don't make very much money so

I am stressing about that. I know right now I can't take care of myself

financially and that is the worst feeling world (well next to losing the person

that you love most in the world). He told me that he cares about me but he's

ready for a new life. I know he thinks I am holding him down. He did say that

he wanted to take care of me (will keep the insurance, help with bills, etc.).

That is comforting and confusing and I am not sure I can trust myself to depend

on him I am so scared and not ready for such a drastic change (emotionally). I

am just at a lost. It's like it's not enough for me to PA and it keeps getting

worse and worse, nothing works, and now I lose my husba! nd. ; I am so

exhausted, I don't know how much more my body and mind can take of this.

[Guest guest]

He did say that he wanted to take care of me (will keep the

insurance, help with bills, etc.). That is comforting and confusing

and I am not sure I can trust myself to depend on him

,

I know you are are hurting both emotionally & physically, but you are

better off with out him. I know you can't see that now, but you will

in the future. As far as his " kind " offer, he is obligated to

continue to provide your insurance and/or support. GET A LAWYER

NOW! Do not trust him anymore. And he has proven that you can't

depend on him. Sorry to be blunt, but You need to take control and

responsibility for your life. At this point, it's all up to you. You

need to take care of yourself physically. AND Protect yourself

legally.

Stay Well.

[Guest guest]

Dont give up on men! There are real men out there: Ive had three b/fs that

didnt seem too bothered by my PS or my PA! (Although it would be nice if

they understood what iamgoing through.) keep plugging!

>From: " sallyking " <sallyking@...>

>Reply-

>< >

>Subject: Re: [ ] Re: Stress and PA

>Date: Mon, 1 Sep 2003 16:07:26 -0000

>

>Keli and :

>

>Wow! I've always been very shy when it comes to relationships with men and

>have never been in a serious relationship.

>

>Keli I feel for you but at least you've experience a close

>relationship--Never been there, never done that!

>

>It seems whenever I tried to get close to a man, he was using me as a

>daliance from his wife/significant other. I eventually just shut myself

>off from men altogether. Most people think I'm gay or just weird. Well,

>I'm probably weird but I'm nice weird.

>

>Now with PA and PS, I think of myself wanting to get together with a man,

>like myself who has PA or RA.

>

>Keli--I've been on my own since I was 18 y/o. Managed to keep jobs even

>when the PA was at its worst. Now have a Bachelor's degree--going to

>school helped my self-esteem.

>

>Thanks for sharing!

>

>Sally in Grass Valley

> [ ] Re: Stress and PA

>

>

> ,

> Unfortunately, I can sympathize with you....I was in a relationship

> with a man for 3 years. In the begining I was not so sick or atleast

> I hid it alot better. Then as the relationship, the pa got worse.

> Actually in the begining I did not know what I had. As time went by

> it got worse, I was sick all the time the meds made me sick too.

> When I was on the meds I was a different person. We had a great

> relationship. We never faught.....as amazing as that may sound. He

> was very sweet and sensitive, he traveled for his job and the closer

> we got the more he started pulling away mostly, because he could not

> stand watching me sick all the time. I had other problems besides

> the pa. so that did not help the situation either. As i'm sure you

> can imagine. Sounds like you are living it. It just kept going

> downhill, he stopped communicating and I know it's because of my

> being sick. My family all turned against him because he stopped

> comming around......but I understand more than they do why he

> stopped coming around. After 3 years, it was so hard to just let him

> walk away. We were so close, he could just kiss me and he knew I did

> not feel well. I'm mostly telling you all of this because I do

> understand how you feel, minus the husband with a drug problem. I

> too, can't support myself. This is terrible too, I am in school part-

> time and work full-time at a major hospital in town. Although, my

> pay is pretty good, around 1400 a month before taxes, insurance,

> 401k, medications, doctors appointments ect. I know I spend atleast

> 120 a month just in prescription copays not to mention the numerous

> specialists copays. This is why I am so commited to graduating

> nursing school. I want so badly to independent. I was until the PA

> and other problems happened. I somehow managed to live by myself

> from the age of 19 until this last year. I just wanted to let you

> know you are not alone. I pray you don't stress yourself too much.

> Good luck,

> Keli

>

> > This isn't a sob story but I have to get this out. As many of you

> know I have had an ongoing struggle with my husband regarding his

> inability to cope and accept my illness, medications and of course

> his subsequent drug use. Well, as if I didn't have enough on my

> plate as it is.....my husband has decided that even though he loves

> me he no longer wants to be with me. Of course I have to wonder

> what direct role has my PA had on his decision. We had a good

> relationship before I got sick. When I got really sick was about

> the same time that he started heavily using drugs. I always wonder

> if he did that to cope with me being sick. I'm 26 and he's 24 (been

> together for 5 years) so I'm pretty sure he's sick of having a sick

> wife. That's all we ever fought about. I never feel good, why do I

> take all these meds (in his mind t hey are drugs), I'm a

> hypochondriac, these doctors are killing me, these meds are killing

> me etc. I know it damaged our relationship. So, I'll make this

> short so I don't start crying again. I am flaring pretty badly.

> Trying to not stay stressed but that's pretty impossible right now

> considering my situation. We were supposed to be moving Sunday but

> now it will only be me. I don't make very much money so I am

> stressing about that. I know right now I can't take care of myself

> financially and that is the worst feeling world (well next to losing

> the person that you love most in the world). He told me that he

> cares about me but he's ready for a new life. I know he thinks I am

> holding him down. He did say that he wanted to take care of me (will

> keep the insurance, help with bills, etc.). That is comforting and

> confusing and I am not sure I can trust myself to depend on him I

> am so scared and not ready for such a drastic change (emotionally).

> I am just at a lost. It's like it's not enough for me to PA and it

> keeps getting worse and worse, nothing works, and now I lose my

> husband. I am so exhausted, I don't know how much more my body and

> mind can take of this.

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

> This isn't a sob story but I have to get this out. As many of you

know I have had an ongoing struggle with my husband regarding his

inability to cope and accept my illness, medications and of course

his subsequent drug use. Well, as if I didn't have enough on my

plate as it is.....my husband has decided that even though he loves

me he no longer wants to be with me. Of course I have to wonder what

direct role has my PA had on his decision. We had a good

relationship before I got sick. When I got really sick was about the

same time that he started heavily using drugs. I always wonder if he

did that to cope with me being sick. ]

This is what I meant when I said in a former letter that " you can't

change other people. " I stand by that statement. You can support,

assist, love, help and so on but you can not make someone do, feel or

understand something they don't want to. Saying that a person can

change others goes against every 12-step program in the world.

I am so sorry that you have this pain and this loss. I hope you have

a good support system and any time you need an extra ear I am very

happy to listen (Carben1@...)

You are NOT, and I repeat NOT responsible for anyone's substance

abuse ever! Unless you are forcing a needle in someone's arm or a

bottle in their mouth you are not responsible. I don't think you

need any other reasons to feel sad right now so don't pile this on

yourself please.

This is a loss and this is really sad. I hope you know you have

people thinking about you.

Vlam

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/2/2003 12:45:08 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

david@... writes:

> I know you are are hurting both emotionally & physically, but you are

> better off with out him. I know you can't see that now, but you will

> in the future. As far as his " kind " offer, he is obligated to

> continue to provide your insurance and/or support. GET A LAWYER

> NOW! Do not trust him anymore. And he has proven that you can't

> depend on him. Sorry to be blunt, but You need to take control and

> responsibility for your life. At this point, it's all up to you. You

> need to take care of yourself physically. AND Protect yourself

> legally.

,

I agree with all of the above and could not have said it better.

Janet

[Guest guest]

<leslieiansa@h...> wrote:

my husband has decided that even though he loves me he no longer wants to

be with me.

Oh , my heart goes out to you. You are young and although it may not

seem so today, if he truly feels this way..........you will be better off

without his added stress.

I second what everybody else has said, but especially this point! I'm sorry

to hear of your troubles you just don't need this shiX on top of

everything else. As I have said in other posts Life is too short as it is,

without Having Other ppl give you grief over something that is not your

Fault hun. I hope you sort out your marriage as it is obvious you love this

guy.If it can't be sorted then don't let it eat away at you that it was your

fault for Having PA. That is not the case!! lots of marriages break up

without Illness being involved. Please don't beat yourself up over this (I

know it's easy for me to say that) Just try and dust yourself down and get

ready for the next challange that this wonderful life will bring to you. It

will make you a better person in the long run even if it doesn't feel that

way now. our thoughts are with you

Micky

London

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[Guest guest]

Sheila, thank you. I had a feeling that the 'anecdotal' views of

fellows here would confirm what I've been thinking. I was lucky, with

only a few motnhs from onset to diagnosis, but sad to say it seems

very vigorous in my case. What began a year ago with hands, fingersm

wrists is now developing fastm and because I'm relatively new with my

doctir, the meds are still at the 'try to bring it under control'

phase, while the PA is running rampant all over... now in my feet,

knees and I think in the past few weeks starting in my lower back.

Its really good to have this forum to chew over things with y'all

though! XX C.