A real gift for Christmas

[Guest guest]

Though this is funny, it echoes my wish for you all -- Jan O', Alaska

If I Were Ole' Santa...

If I were ole' Santa, you know what I'd do I'd dump silly gifts that are

given to you.

And deliver some things just inside your front door Things you have

lost,

but treasured before.

I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor, And to go along with it, a

neat

tiny figure.

Then restore the old color that once graced your hair Before rinses and

bleaches took residence there.

I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted, So things now

suspended need not be uplifted.

I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back Till you'd be a dream

in

those tight fitting slacks.

I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin, So you wouldn't

spend

hours rubbing grease on your skin, You'd never have flashes or queer

dizzy

spells, And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes, No searching for

spectacles

when they're right on your nose, Not a shot would you take in your arm,

hip

or fanny, From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.

You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take, And no heating

pad

needed since your muscles won't ache, Yes, if I were Santa you'd never

look

stupid, You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.

I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle And the

joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.

But alas! I'm not Santa, I'm simply just me, The matronest of matrons

you

ever did see, I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got But I'm

due

at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.

Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere, Merry Christmas to

you

all and a Happy New