Re: dont feel like living anymore.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 08/08/2001 2:28:39 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

jay_psin@... writes:

<< i m totally

broken from inside.. i just dont feel ike living anymore.. feeling

like ending my life... >>

Jay - I've been where you are now. After surgery I had a flare and couldn't

get out of bed and couldn't stop crying. I kept on repeating " I don't want

to live if I have to live like this. " Please know that everyone in this

group understands and empathizes with you. I think almost all of us on here

have gone through anger, depression, and downright rage at the disease. It's

difficult to come to acceptance and even if you do, there is still the

depression to fight against.

DON'T GIVE UP!!!! You can always find some words of support on here and life

really is worth living, even with PA.

Talk to your doctors. I'm not sure if you are taking any anti-depressants,

but they may help.

There is so much left for you at your age. Yes, there will be pain and there

will be the PA to deal with. But I'm sure there will also be great joys in

your life that are right around the corner. I recently married at age 40 and

I never thought I could find someone who would accept me and love me with all

my " defects " . I'm not saying that marriage makes you happy (hell no! it can

also make you miserable!!) but the fact that you mentioned it in your post

made me think that maybe it is an issue for you or your family. I found my

husband when I quit looking. I think that happens to a lot of people.

Most of all though, be kind to yourself. Accept that, yes, you have

limitations and yes, you might have to ask for help. But you have special

gifts to share and many, many years of living to do - some of that time in

pain, but hopefully most of it at a tolerable level. Please see your

doctors. They can help if you talk to them openly and honestly.

Wishing you peace,

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/8/01 1:28:59 AM Central Daylight Time,

jay_psin@... writes:

> I just dont feel ike living anymore.. feeling

>

First of all I want to forward a really good piece of advice. SUICIDE is a

PERMANENT SOLUTION to a TEMPORARY PROBLEM. I heard that years ago on the

Oprah show when a man was on talking about the suicide of his son.

Depression is probably the worst part of this disease. Ask your doc for meds

to help you cope.

Secondly- If you believe in God at all remember suicide will guarantee those

pearly gates to be closed to you because you will have committed the deadly

sin " THOU SHALT NOT KILL " , That commandment doesn't necessarily mean to

kill others but yourself as well. Remember eternity is a LLLLLOOOONNNNGGGGG

time!

Third- Put yourself in the place of your relatives. Are you so self centered

that you would put the entire cause/guilt of your death on their shoulders???

Because that is exactly what will happen if you choose to end your life

without allowing them in as a part of it to possibly help you.

Fourth- What kind of message are you sending others in regards to Gods

unwritten yet greatest command- TO LOVE - !

PA is not a disease that will kill you for sure but if you allow it to IT

WILL ALLOW YOU TO.

We all understand your pain for we too have been there. You had a 3 year

hiatus - you should be jumping for joy!!!!!!! Three years ago there was no

Enbrel - I don't think there was Arava either. New medications surface

regularly and new concepts of controlling this disease surface regularly as

well.

You should not think of your life as almost empty rather think of it as

needing fuel and tell you rrheumatologist you need it filled up more. If MTX

was the drug of choice then - what makes you so certain that it will not work

again. Or maybe another med.

Only you can choose which direction your life will follow.

I pray that you choose the correct one.

Chicagoland Sharon

[Guest guest]

i feel

> too tired on walking a small stretch..i cant walk properly..(pain

in

> hip joints)...> Jayesh

> Bombay - India

>

Jayesh,

Besides the methotrexate are you taking anything for pain? When I

take my pain pills the tiredness lessens and I get around better. My

mood gets better when the pain lessens. Some doctors believe in pred

while some will prescribe pain meds. I tried pred only for a couple

short periods to give me a breather from the joints trying to come

apart. The pred seemed to hold them together but the side effects ,

with " moon " face were not so great. I remember when the arthiritis

was going strong and I would wakeup unable to reach the medication

and had dark thoughts. That was three years ago and now i am so much

better. You got better before so you will again:-)

My grandmother took mtx for decades while I only took it for a short

time since it irritated my liver. Luckily there is a whole " grocery

store " of meds for us to try to fight this arthritis.

Take care,

PatB

[Guest guest]

Jayesh

You need help! I'm certin that everyone here would agree that having PA is a

very hard thing to deal with! We all have times of depression and

hopelessness, I think that that is the worst part of the dieses. Please,

please, please, go see a counselor. Write this group anytime you want to, to

get these kinds of feeling out. Believe me, we all understand the difficulty

PA brings to your life. But you can still have a good life, its all in the

way that you look at things...I have a saying up on my wall right next to my

computer, " I complained that I had no shoes, Until...I met a man who had no

feet " . I don't know what kinds of drugs they are giving you but some of them

can add to the feelings of depression, check with your doctor. One of the

best things I do about PA is to take control. Demand that your doctors help

you, push, be relentless. Get on the phone right now and call a counselor.

Taking action and control of your life and your PA will make you feel

better! I wish you the best and hope you continue to write the group. We

understand.

Jerry

[Guest guest]

..I know my doctor says .. " BE HAPPY " but how can i ?

Jay- your doctor needs to understand that depression- serious

depression- is a well-known part of this disease. There is very good

reason to think that it can be an organic part of the disease- it's

not " just in your head " , and you can't just decide to " be happy " !

Antidepressant medications are very successful in dealing with

this, possibly the most terrible part of the disease- it CAN take

your life, if it makes you take it yourself!!!. Antidepressants

don't make you be happy,either, they just let you be yourself, which

the disease isn't letting you do.

Please, SEE A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY, GET HELP FOR THIS- it's not your

fault, and it CAN be helped. Keep on talking to us here, too,

please.

Very best regards,

[Guest guest]

Chicogo and Sharon; you said,

" Secondly- If you believe in God at all remember suicide will guarantee

those

pearly gates to be closed to you because you will have committed the deadly

sin " THOU SHALT NOT KILL " , That commandment doesn't necessarily mean to

kill others but yourself as well. Remember eternity is a LLLLLOOOONNNNGGGGG

time! "

I have to say this is utter nonsense IMHO. When someone commits suicide,

especially after a long illness, with pain etc. it is the illness that is

talking, not the person. God does forgive those who have committed suicide.

That doesn't mean I advocate it, because I certainly do not. But I do know

that the God I believe in, would not blame the person who feels so bad they

commit suicide. This is not the ultimate sin. The ultimate sin is

believing our sin is too great for God to forgive.

<Editors Note from - I agree with Rev. Mitch- God forgives us

everything- what kind of God would he be if he could not forgive us for sinning

when we were very very ill?>

JAY

As for Jay, please, please see your doctor, and get some help. Suicide is

not the only answer, although at times I know it feels like it. You are

only 25 and there is help out there for you. You've reached out this way,

reach out to your doctor, please. Rev. Mitch McVEigh

* . (\ *** /) * . This is my prayer. That your

* . * ( \(_)/ ) * * love may abound more and more in

. . (_ /||\_) . * knowledge and depth of insight.

* . /____\ * . . * ians 1:9

Rev. Mitch McVeigh

Presbyterian Church in Canada

Rev.Mitch@...

ICQ 50055914

Give water to those who really need it, it's just a click away at

http://www.givewater.org

Help others free just by clicking! http://www.quickdonations.com

http://www.Christssafetynet.com my SAFE site for kids who love Christ and

want to enjoy the internet without worrying about inappropriate banners and

adds.

http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Shores/6710/index.html my personal

website

Have a virus? Check http://www.antivirus.cai.com ITS FREE and WORKS

[Guest guest]

As no doubt many will tell you, depression is part of the disease. Many of us

have had bouts of depression before the PA manifested it's self. I would

recommend seeing a Psychiatrist immediately. There is a drug called Klonopin

which is a mild tranquilizer in the Benzodiazapine family like Valium, Librium,

and Zanax but is not as addictive. Klonopin is also a good muscle relaxer

(though not as good as Valium) and will help re-establish a proper sleep cycle

which is very important to controlling depression. Personally I wouldn't take

an antidepressant like Prozac or Zoloft during a flare. Maybe an old guard

Tricyclic antidepressant but ask your RD.

I too have had many " I hate my life " days. Until about 2 years ago I was a

pro guitarist and recording artist. PA attacked my hands and when diagnosed I

was told I had a 20% chance of losing my fingers within 12 months. I have

gotten slowly worse. I couldn't tolerate MTX. Antibiotics may have slowed the

advance for a while. Then I got a severe flare. If you don't have PA it's hard

to understand how utterly painful a debilitating it is. I have 10 vintage

instruments I can only look at and have lost a good chunk of my personal

identity and self esteem. Right now I am tying Enbrel which has already had a

noticeable effect on the pain. I am hoping that it may force remission. I

don't know about the availability of Enbrel in India but it seems very promising

for PA including the Psoriasis and depression. MTX is no fun. Hang in there

and take it a day at a time. There are new drugs on the horizon which may be

blockbusters. The irony of PA is that it probably won't kill you. Sometimes it

makes you think you would be better off dead though. Don't believe that. You

won't be. Fight and persevere. The flare is temporary. Ronnie E.

[ ] dont feel like living anymore.

hi everybody ...i m 25 and I know we all r going thro a very rough

phase in our life... certainly me too.,infact i have recovered once

from it fully 3 years back..and didnt have any probs of PA & P after

that ...but again it has come.. and this time too like last time my

doctor has put me on MTX ..now from my last experiences i know this

(MTX) will take 6 weeks to start showing results..and i m very well

in the 6th week .. and ofcourse it has shown some improvements in my

scalp and hands ( i mean Psoariais) ,, but as regards to pain in

joints it is more on some days / less on other days... i m totally

broken from inside.. i just dont feel ike living anymore.. feeling

like ending my life... Although i still go to office regularly i feel

too tired on walking a small stretch..i cant walk properly..(pain in

hip joints)...I feel very sorry for my parents (i m not yet married)

and other people in my family..they know i m suffering but i dont

disclose it to them when the pain is at its peak bcause then they

will all feel sorry and pity for me.. and then the mood in my home

will become all more gloomy and cloudy...I want verybody to be happy

in my family.. I have given upto this disease... i dont understand

what does the Medical Fraternity of the World doing when so many

people r suffering from it...'PA' i feel is the worst because one

cant 'die' of it and the person has to live his life with the pain

because there is no solution other than pain killers..( which again

means its a body living with features like a dead ones..).. i dont

know whether my Moderator clears this mail for posting cause it may

seem to him/her that this mail would send across wrong signals to

other sufferers..but please somone help me before i do something to

end my life...I know my doctor says .. " BE HAPPY " but how can i ? i

cant socialise as i used to do earlier..cant go for Interviews since

last 3 months..this is the time when i have to make my career...but

all i see in the end is a big '?' question mark...

Please Save my Soul ....mail me at jay_psin@... with some good

suggestions on how to 'Change my Attitude' cause thats what gonna

save me and 'U' ..Also somebody from India ????

Thanks for giving me your ears.

Jayesh

Bombay - India

[Moderator's note: Jayesh, this forum was started by for people in

need of emotional support like yourself, and your post is completely appropriate

and is welcomed. PLEASE DON'T DO ANYTHING RASH - YOU ARE NOT ALONE]

[Guest guest]

I KNOW IT HURTS REAL BAD BUT YOU HAVE TO GO ON I HAVE HAD IT AT A

YOUNG AGE AND I FEEL LIKE I AM AN OLD LADY BUT FOR SOME REASON I

DON'T KNOW WHY, I AM SUPPOSE TO HAVE THIS THERE ARE REASONS FOR

EVERYTHING AND BESIDES YOU COULD HAVE SOMETHING WORSE THEN WHAT YOU

HAVE THATS THE WAY I LOOK AT IT.

> hi everybody ...i m 25 and I know we all r going thro a very rough

> phase in our life... certainly me too.,infact i have recovered once

> from it fully 3 years back..and didnt have any probs of PA & P

after

> that ...but again it has come.. and this time too like last time my

> doctor has put me on MTX ..now from my last experiences i know this

> (MTX) will take 6 weeks to start showing results..and i m very well

> in the 6th week .. and ofcourse it has shown some improvements in

my

> scalp and hands ( i mean Psoariais) ,, but as regards to pain in

> joints it is more on some days / less on other days... i m totally

> broken from inside.. i just dont feel ike living anymore.. feeling

> like ending my life... Although i still go to office regularly i

feel

> too tired on walking a small stretch..i cant walk properly..(pain

in

> hip joints)...I feel very sorry for my parents (i m not yet

married)

> and other people in my family..they know i m suffering but i dont

> disclose it to them when the pain is at its peak bcause then they

> will all feel sorry and pity for me.. and then the mood in my home

> will become all more gloomy and cloudy...I want verybody to be

happy

> in my family.. I have given upto this disease... i dont understand

> what does the Medical Fraternity of the World doing when so many

> people r suffering from it...'PA' i feel is the worst because one

> cant 'die' of it and the person has to live his life with the pain

> because there is no solution other than pain killers..( which again

> means its a body living with features like a dead ones..).. i dont

> know whether my Moderator clears this mail for posting cause it may

> seem to him/her that this mail would send across wrong signals to

> other sufferers..but please somone help me before i do something to

> end my life...I know my doctor says .. " BE HAPPY " but how can i ? i

> cant socialise as i used to do earlier..cant go for Interviews

since

> last 3 months..this is the time when i have to make my career...but

> all i see in the end is a big '?' question mark...

> Please Save my Soul ....mail me at jay_psin@y... with some good

> suggestions on how to 'Change my Attitude' cause thats what gonna

> save me and 'U' ..Also somebody from India ????

>

> Thanks for giving me your ears.

>

> Jayesh

> Bombay - India

>

>

> [Moderator's note: Jayesh, this forum was started by for

people in need of emotional support like yourself, and your post is

completely appropriate and is welcomed. PLEASE DON'T DO ANYTHING

RASH - YOU ARE NOT ALONE]

[Guest guest]

Jayesh........You are definately not alone...... I have felt just like you

many, many times..... Almost all the times.... I am a 26 year old male

with no girlfriend , wife or anything.... And just yesterday I was driving

home and almost started crying just hating the feeling of being alone all

the time.... Its so hard especially when you go to places and you see so

many happy families......and people laughing with their children... It is a

very hard thing.... I do not put on an act for my friends and family

anymore... If i'm in pain , I will show them or tell them that and i dont

care what they think.... Make sure you show your feelings to people

because holding it all in just makes it worse for you mentally and

physically...... I hate my life now just like you do..... But we just cant

pull the trigger on ourselves... We have to be strong.... And in the end we

will be stronger then the others because of what we have been through... If

anything that is the only positive of this disease... That it has made me a

more stronger and more aware of my life kind of person..... God does

everything for a reason....

mike

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 08/10/2001 2:29:47 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

newjersey23@... writes:

<< We have to be strong.... And in the end we

will be stronger then the others because of what we have been through. >>

Glad to read this reply from you Mike. I know at times you've raged at PA as

most of us have, but you are one of the younger ones in this group, and I

think sometimes that makes it doubly hard for you.

You sound from this post though that you've made some peace with yourself.

Nice to see