Re: husband doesn t understand dau.

May 13, 2010

Hi natalie. I m in the same boat too. My husband gets real strict with her and

goes against everything that her therapist & i have put into play that works,

and then jumps all over her when she has a meltdown and makes it worse. He has

silently refused to go to the therapist or the iep meetings but is the 1st to

criticize her. They have been getting along better lately, but that s only cause

i laid the law down that enuff was enuff. If he chooses to be inactive then he

will listen or be active. Not make things worse. So rather than be there with

her therapist, he s decided to listen. For now. (sigh) marc, i love your

insight. That 1 on 1 thing gave me an idea that i would like to run past you. My

husband balks at spending 1 on 1 w/ her. If i make arrangements for me to be too

busy to take her to the therapist, he would have to take her. Is that too much

of a push? doreen

May 17, 2010

Hi Doreen et al,

When I say 1 on 1 time, I am mean taking her to a movie, going to a ball game or

a hockey game (probably more fun as the action is non-stop), going to an

amusement park (lots of stimulation), or the local zoo. Pick an activity where

you know your daughter or son will be entertained a decent amount so the the Dad

does not feel he has to be " on " the entire time. It may be equally

uncomfortable for the child too which only makes the first few outgoings

tougher. In short pick an activity where both child and Dad are " into " .

Taking the child to the therapist, although important, is not the 1 on 1 time

that will bring the Dad closer and more comfortable.

I have a few more observations/generalizations so feel free to shoot it down:-)

but Moms are a natural at nurturing and that makes the relationship with a

special needs child flow well. Dads teach independence, risk,

self-confidence--throw an aspie at a Dad conditioned to teach these qualities to

a normal kid, well its almost like " man, I am up a river without a paddle " . You

need to help the father with the adjustment if he does do it himself. A divorce

can be quite an enabler I must say--but not the ideal technique.

Also, in a dual parent situation, if the Mom is taking charge, making plans,

doing a lot of the first-to-take action parenting, the Dad might just sit back

and and let you do most of the parenting only getting involved when the behavior

is atrocious. At that point, you see the Dad as the stern one and of course it

does little to foster the Dad-child relationship.

If the above paragraph resonates, take a step back and allow the Dad to parent

more by you parenting less. So let him make the sandwiches for lunch, allow him

to help with homework, ..find some small parenting stuff to him to take hold of.

The bottom line is that not all Dads make the transition to be a good special

needs parent. It might take a lot longer than you can ever expect. Some Dads

are better at the young toddler; others get better as the kids mature and carry

on more intellectual convos. Hang in there and help the solution. I myself have

gotten a lot better but still have improvement to go to be a better Dad.

Thats enough from me. Hope this helps. Marc

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> Hi natalie. I m in the same boat too. My husband gets real strict with her and