intro and question

[Guest guest]

OK I typed an intro only to have dh call and me accidentally delete it an dthe

undo button wont work. So we will be very abbreviated this time. I have a 10

yr old dd who started in special ed at 3½ but has been in regular ed since K.

Dx adhd in 1st grade, on straterra since 2nd grade, dx bp in 3rd grade and put

on depakote and now is in 4th grade and was dx with hfa in the fall.

She was honor roll stupid, albeit quirky and some social issues that didnt

bother anyone from K-3rd. Now she is in 4th grade and we get the teachers say

ing she has odd behaviors, then the teachers saying she has the qorst

handwriting theyve ever seen, then she is sometimes shutting down in class. Her

behavior at home has been typical, no rages and poor homework skills but her

normal (not her horrible, cant handle her behavior she has when she needs meds

adjusted). Now for the last 3 weeks I have been getting calls and emails from

her 2 4th grade teachers, her gifted teacher, the vice principal. She is doing

almost no work in school, shutting down constantly, sneaking her pacifier to

school, leaving classes, crying, upset, wont talk (this isnt anything new, she

has never been able to let anyone know her problems or needs), etc etc etc.

Today I had to go pick her up from school b/c she was upset and tried to not go

to lunch and go see the guidance counselor instead who wasnt in, they convinced

her to go to lunch only to have her get made at a boy after lunch and hit him

with her luncgbox (softsided and sounds more like a purposeful bump but that is

entirely beside the point) so she spent the rest of the day shut down in the

vice principals office and when they tried to get her on the bus she wouldnt go

so I had to go get her.'

We finally got her iep meeting rescheduled for Monday (weve been asking for one

for 4 years but they wouldnt give us one b/c she wasnt having issues until this

year and now with the autism dx they are even more willing to give her one), it

took the whole school year just to get it and then it was cancelled b/c the

psychologist got sick. bbut it is frustrating that its almost the end of th

eyear now.

Anyway the problem is I dont know what to do to get her to do her school work.

and we have been dealing with walking on eggshells, rages, refusing to do

things, not caring about any punishment etc for so long that I think us as

parents have kind of given up on her behavior so we need to reestablish

structure, rules and discipline here but even after reading all kinds of books

on autism we just arent sure what is something we need to try and teach and what

is behavior that is punishable and what punishment would even be appropriate. I

think my brain is fried at this point and I just dont know what to do about

todays behavior or anything else. My husband wants to take away her horseback

riding but I really dont think she would care and it seems therapuetic to her

and she only does that once a week. he wants to be the heavy foot and I want to

be more balanced so it is hard to get objective input from him.

Things are just such a mess I guess. She has a developmental pediatrician but

it costs a fortune to go see him. She has a spychiatrist but I had to

reschedule her next appt to the 19th b/c it was monday and I didnt want to

reschedule schools again. the therapist we tried just got frustrated with her

and was at a lose. we are on a waiting list for ot but it is months long.

[Guest guest]

Hi! My son has Asperger's and is just about to turn 9. We're working on his

IEP (we moved from NJ to WA and had to start all over again.) Anyway, based on

his being observed in class, the school psych said he looked completely

overwhelmed, bewildered, and just shut down because it's too much (he' turn his

back on the students, was cross with the teacher, etc). That being said....

.... his teacher agreed to lighten his workload a little. His biggest issue was

the " Literature " segment, and she excuses him from certain assignments and it

seems to help. Also, I found that as frustrated as I get with him not wanting

to do homework when I want him to, a heavy hand does not help. It makes him

rage more, he doesn't feel understood, and what he really needs is sympathy and

understanding. Also, ever since I kick the kids outside and make them run

around and play, it burns off steam so he can focus better when it's time to get

down to business.

I wouldn't take away the horseback riding. Your daughter sounds like she has

more complex issues than my son, but as much as we sometimes want to throttle

them, that usually backfires. So, work with the teacher to see if there are

assignments she can get an extension on, or just not do all together.

Also, if her behavior is happening only in the last 3 weeks, you should also not

rule out some kind of trauma (although I hate to say it). Sudden changes in

behavior can also be signs of some kind of abuse, and maybe the source isn't

Asperger's at all. Just a thought. Good luck!

Laurel

>

> OK I typed an intro only to have dh call and me accidentally delete it an dthe

undo button wont work. So we will be very abbreviated this time. I have a 10

yr old dd who started in special ed at 3½ but has been in regular ed since K.

Dx adhd in 1st grade, on straterra since 2nd grade, dx bp in 3rd grade and put

on depakote and now is in 4th grade and was dx with hfa in the fall.

>

> She was honor roll stupid, albeit quirky and some social issues that didnt

bother anyone from K-3rd. Now she is in 4th grade and we get the teachers say

ing she has odd behaviors, then the teachers saying she has the qorst

handwriting theyve ever seen, then she is sometimes shutting down in class. Her

behavior at home has been typical, no rages and poor homework skills but her

normal (not her horrible, cant handle her behavior she has when she needs meds

adjusted). Now for the last 3 weeks I have been getting calls and emails from

her 2 4th grade teachers, her gifted teacher, the vice principal. She is doing

almost no work in school, shutting down constantly, sneaking her pacifier to

school, leaving classes, crying, upset, wont talk (this isnt anything new, she

has never been able to let anyone know her problems or needs), etc etc etc.

Today I had to go pick her up from school b/c she was upset and tried to not go

to lunch and go see the guidance counselor instead who wasnt in, they convinced

her to go to lunch only to have her get made at a boy after lunch and hit him

with her luncgbox (softsided and sounds more like a purposeful bump but that is

entirely beside the point) so she spent the rest of the day shut down in the

vice principals office and when they tried to get her on the bus she wouldnt go

so I had to go get her.'

>

> We finally got her iep meeting rescheduled for Monday (weve been asking for

one for 4 years but they wouldnt give us one b/c she wasnt having issues until

this year and now with the autism dx they are even more willing to give her

one), it took the whole school year just to get it and then it was cancelled b/c

the psychologist got sick. bbut it is frustrating that its almost the end of th

eyear now.

>

> Anyway the problem is I dont know what to do to get her to do her school work.

and we have been dealing with walking on eggshells, rages, refusing to do

things, not caring about any punishment etc for so long that I think us as

parents have kind of given up on her behavior so we need to reestablish

structure, rules and discipline here but even after reading all kinds of books

on autism we just arent sure what is something we need to try and teach and what

is behavior that is punishable and what punishment would even be appropriate. I

think my brain is fried at this point and I just dont know what to do about

todays behavior or anything else. My husband wants to take away her horseback

riding but I really dont think she would care and it seems therapuetic to her

and she only does that once a week. he wants to be the heavy foot and I want to

be more balanced so it is hard to get objective input from him.

>

> Things are just such a mess I guess. She has a developmental pediatrician but

it costs a fortune to go see him. She has a spychiatrist but I had to

reschedule her next appt to the 19th b/c it was monday and I didnt want to

reschedule schools again. the therapist we tried just got frustrated with her

and was at a lose. we are on a waiting list for ot but it is months long.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. I don't have a lot of suggestions but I do have one re: homework. What about doing it in small time slots? For example, if could set up a time she comes home from school and let her have a small break to have something light to eat, run around a bit and drink some water (about 45 minutes). If you can piece out the work, it might help her. 15 minutes reading, 20 minutes of math, 20 minutes of science (or whatever other subject she's working on). If you write it out on a whiteboard for her to see she has 55 minutes of homework (pieced out in 15-20 minute time slots) maybe she won't be so overwhelmed with doing homework.

We just got this idea, for our 7 year old 1st grader, from a tutor at a Neurolinguistic Center working with kids with Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD. It made sense when he presented it to us, and more importantly I believe it will work for our son. This is just a suggestion!

Hopefully, the IEP team will come up with some school strategies that will help in reducing her stress and anxiety about school.

Good luck!

( ) intro and question

OK I typed an intro only to have dh call and me accidentally delete it an dthe undo button wont work. So we will be very abbreviated this time. I have a 10 yr old dd who started in special ed at 3½ but has been in regular ed since K. Dx adhd in 1st grade, on straterra since 2nd grade, dx bp in 3rd grade and put on depakote and now is in 4th grade and was dx with hfa in the fall.She was honor roll stupid, albeit quirky and some social issues that didnt bother anyone from K-3rd. Now she is in 4th grade and we get the teachers say ing she has odd behaviors, then the teachers saying she has the qorst handwriting theyve ever seen, then she is sometimes shutting down in class. Her behavior at home has been typical, no rages and poor homework skills but her normal (not her horrible, cant handle her behavior she has when she needs meds adjusted). Now for the last 3 weeks I have been getting calls and emails from her 2 4th grade teachers, her gifted teacher, the vice principal. She is doing almost no work in school, shutting down constantly, sneaking her pacifier to school, leaving classes, crying, upset, wont talk (this isnt anything new, she has never been able to let anyone know her problems or needs), etc etc etc. Today I had to go pick her up from school b/c she was upset and tried to not go to lunch and go see the guidance counselor instead who wasnt in, they convinced her to go to lunch only to have her get made at a boy after lunch and hit him with her luncgbox (softsided and sounds more like a purposeful bump but that is entirely beside the point) so she spent the rest of the day shut down in the vice principals office and when they tried to get her on the bus she wouldnt go so I had to go get her.'We finally got her iep meeting rescheduled for Monday (weve been asking for one for 4 years but they wouldnt give us one b/c she wasnt having issues until this year and now with the autism dx they are even more willing to give her one), it took the whole school year just to get it and then it was cancelled b/c the psychologist got sick. bbut it is frustrating that its almost the end of th eyear now.Anyway the problem is I dont know what to do to get her to do her school work. and we have been dealing with walking on eggshells, rages, refusing to do things, not caring about any punishment etc for so long that I think us as parents have kind of given up on her behavior so we need to reestablish structure, rules and discipline here but even after reading all kinds of books on autism we just arent sure what is something we need to try and teach and what is behavior that is punishable and what punishment would even be appropriate. I think my brain is fried at this point and I just dont know what to do about todays behavior or anything else. My husband wants to take away her horseback riding but I really dont think she would care and it seems therapuetic to her and she only does that once a week. he wants to be the heavy foot and I want to be more balanced so it is hard to get objective input from him.Things are just such a mess I guess. She has a developmental pediatrician but it costs a fortune to go see him. She has a spychiatrist but I had to reschedule her next appt to the 19th b/c it was monday and I didnt want to reschedule schools again. the therapist we tried just got frustrated with her and was at a lose. we are on a waiting list for ot but it is months long.

[Guest guest]

We have a small chalk board (I used to use it to write the weeks' menu). I

started using it to make short lists of what needed to be done so I could refer

my daughter to the list instead of repeating myself a hundred times and getting

mad.

In the morning, I write " eat, get dressed, make bed, brush teeth " . After

school, I write " snack, sensory activity, homework, PLAY " . I do have to keep

telling her to look at the board, but having it seems to make it a rule or

something, instead of just mommy riding her butt as usual.

Might work for breaking down homework into segments as well. I'm hoping that

once we get to the IEP stage, I will be able to ask that they either have a

study hall period with a special ed teacher to patiently help her do it, or no

homework at all. It takes up so much of our family time, and causes such a

strain on our relationship. After having to do all she does in school, she is

DONE by the time she gets home!

[Guest guest]

That's a great idea with the homework. Sometimes when my son has a hard time doing homework, I promise him breaks in between each piece for a snack or other activity. It helps it seem less overwhelming for him. She seems like she's getting teased or rejected by kids at school and needs the teachers to watch and intervene. It's probably happening at lunch because it's an unstructured time. If she doesn't want to go to lunch, maybe the school has or can start a lunch club. Our school has a lunch club for all ages which is a large room filled with games, legos, drawing paper, crafts, etc and is monitored by teachers, usually the guidance counselor. My 1st grade son hasn't been allowed outside for lunch and recess yet until later this month when they have a plan in place to have him in a small playgroup where they

can monitor his behavior. He gets too excited in the large environment and will get mad and hit people.I wouldn't punish her by taking away the things that let her have some release and joy. I think it will only make her more frustrated and push away from you. It doesn't seem that she can help it because of the stress at school. Maybe if you have a special time for you and her together, she will open up to you about what's bothering her. You can do something girly like have your hair done or play with makeup or shop for a new outfit. When I repeatedly ask my son about a situation, he clams up. Then later when we are doing something fun together and he feels close to me and not threatened that I will not approve, he will bring up the subject and tells me things. I keep it positive no matter what he talks about. I remember at that age, we didn't talk to our parents about our problems because we

thought they wouldn't understand or they would get mad at us. Just an idea. Hopes this help.GenFrom: Avelar Koehler <jrkoehler@...>Subject: Re: ( ) intro and question Cc: Date: Thursday, March 4, 2010, 12:04 PM

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. I don't have a lot of suggestions but I do have one re: homework. What about doing it in small time slots? For example, if could set up a time she comes home from school and let her have a small break to have something light to eat, run around a bit and drink some water (about 45 minutes). If you can piece out the work, it might help her. 15 minutes reading, 20 minutes of math, 20 minutes of science (or whatever other subject she's working on). If you write it out on a whiteboard for her to see she has 55 minutes of homework (pieced out in 15-20 minute time slots) maybe she won't be so overwhelmed with doing homework.

We just got this idea, for our 7 year old 1st grader, from a tutor at a Neurolinguistic Center working with kids with Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD. It made sense when he presented it to us, and more importantly I believe it will work for our son. This is just a suggestion!

Hopefully, the IEP team will come up with some school strategies that will help in reducing her stress and anxiety about school.

Good luck!

( ) intro and question

OK I typed an intro only to have dh call and me accidentally delete it an dthe undo button wont work. So we will be very abbreviated this time. I have a 10 yr old dd who started in special ed at 3½ but has been in regular ed since K. Dx adhd in 1st grade, on straterra since 2nd grade, dx bp in 3rd grade and put on depakote and now is in 4th grade and was dx with hfa in the fall.She was honor roll stupid, albeit quirky and some social issues that didnt bother anyone from K-3rd. Now she is in 4th grade and we get the teachers say ing she has odd behaviors, then the teachers saying she has the qorst handwriting theyve ever seen, then she is sometimes shutting down in class. Her behavior at home has been typical, no rages and poor homework skills but her normal (not her horrible, cant handle her behavior she has when she needs meds adjusted). Now for the last 3 weeks I have been getting calls and emails from her 2 4th grade teachers, her gifted

teacher, the vice principal. She is doing almost no work in school, shutting down constantly, sneaking her pacifier to school, leaving classes, crying, upset, wont talk (this isnt anything new, she has never been able to let anyone know her problems or needs), etc etc etc. Today I had to go pick her up from school b/c she was upset and tried to not go to lunch and go see the guidance counselor instead who wasnt in, they convinced her to go to lunch only to have her get made at a boy after lunch and hit him with her luncgbox (softsided and sounds more like a purposeful bump but that is entirely beside the point) so she spent the rest of the day shut down in the vice principals office and when they tried to get her on the bus she wouldnt go so I had to go get her.'We finally got her iep meeting rescheduled for Monday (weve been asking for one for 4 years but they wouldnt give us one b/c she wasnt having issues until this year and now with the

autism dx they are even more willing to give her one), it took the whole school year just to get it and then it was cancelled b/c the psychologist got sick. bbut it is frustrating that its almost the end of th eyear now.Anyway the problem is I dont know what to do to get her to do her school work. and we have been dealing with walking on eggshells, rages, refusing to do things, not caring about any punishment etc for so long that I think us as parents have kind of given up on her behavior so we need to reestablish structure, rules and discipline here but even after reading all kinds of books on autism we just arent sure what is something we need to try and teach and what is behavior that is punishable and what punishment would even be appropriate. I think my brain is fried at this point and I just dont know what to do about todays behavior or anything else. My husband wants to take away her horseback riding but I really dont think she would care

and it seems therapuetic to her and she only does that once a week. he wants to be the heavy foot and I want to be more balanced so it is hard to get objective input from him.Things are just such a mess I guess. She has a developmental pediatrician but it costs a fortune to go see him. She has a spychiatrist but I had to reschedule her next appt to the 19th b/c it was monday and I didnt want to reschedule schools again. the therapist we tried just got frustrated with her and was at a lose. we are on a waiting list for ot but it is months long.

[Guest guest]

I have found for both my kids (AS and NT) that postive reinforcement works best.

Maybe for school work you can make (or maybe someone has on here an example) of

a positive behavior chart. For school, I've seen charts by time increments, you

can work on 1-3 behaviors at a time and they get checks for every 5 min, or 15

min (whatever increment you need to start at) that they are doing well at each

thing. The checks can be traded for whatever excites her. Whatever treat she

loves the most. Outfit, toy, computer or tv time...to Gen's point extra time

with mom is always special. My daughter loves a manicure and it's only $5!

At home you can do the same type of thing. I think the key is finding something

that motivates her. I give points for all kinds of things now, once something

is mastered, or better, I move to something else.

Hope that helps!

Kelli

>

> From: Avelar Koehler <jrkoehler@...>

> Subject: Re: ( ) intro and question

>

> Cc:

> Date: Thursday, March 4, 2010, 12:04 PM

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>  

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. I don't have a lot of

suggestions but I do have one re: homework. What about doing it in small time

slots? For example, if could set up a time she comes home from school and let

her have a small break to have something light to eat, run around a bit and

drink some water (about 45 minutes). If you can piece out the work, it might

help her. 15 minutes reading, 20 minutes of math, 20 minutes of science (or

whatever other subject she's working on). If you write it out on a whiteboard

for her to see she has 55 minutes of homework (pieced out in 15-20 minute time

slots) maybe she won't be so overwhelmed with doing homework.

> We just got this idea, for our 7 year old 1st grader, from a tutor at a

Neurolinguistic Center working with kids with Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD. It

made sense when he presented it to us, and more importantly I believe it will

work for our son. This is just a suggestion!

> Hopefully, the IEP team will come up with some school strategies that will

help in reducing her stress and anxiety about school.

>  

> Good luck!

>  

>

> ( ) intro and question

>

>

>

>  

>

>

>

> OK I typed an intro only to have dh call and me accidentally delete it an dthe

undo button wont work. So we will be very abbreviated this time. I have a 10 yr

old dd who started in special ed at 3½ but has been in regular ed since K. Dx

adhd in 1st grade, on straterra since 2nd grade, dx bp in 3rd grade and put on

depakote and now is in 4th grade and was dx with hfa in the fall.

>

> She was honor roll stupid, albeit quirky and some social issues that didnt

bother anyone from K-3rd. Now she is in 4th grade and we get the teachers say

ing she has odd behaviors, then the teachers saying she has the qorst

handwriting theyve ever seen, then she is sometimes shutting down in class. Her

behavior at home has been typical, no rages and poor homework skills but her

normal (not her horrible, cant handle her behavior she has when she needs meds

adjusted). Now for the last 3 weeks I have been getting calls and emails from

her 2 4th grade teachers, her gifted teacher, the vice principal. She is doing

almost no work in school, shutting down constantly, sneaking her pacifier to

school, leaving classes, crying, upset, wont talk (this isnt anything new, she

has never been able to let anyone know her problems or needs), etc etc etc.

Today I had to go pick her up from school b/c she was upset and tried to not go

to lunch and go see the guidance

> counselor instead who wasnt in, they convinced her to go to lunch only to

have her get made at a boy after lunch and hit him with her luncgbox (softsided

and sounds more like a purposeful bump but that is entirely beside the point) so

she spent the rest of the day shut down in the vice principals office and when

they tried to get her on the bus she wouldnt go so I had to go get her.'

>

> We finally got her iep meeting rescheduled for Monday (weve been asking for

one for 4 years but they wouldnt give us one b/c she wasnt having issues until

this year and now with the autism dx they are even more willing to give her

one), it took the whole school year just to get it and then it was cancelled b/c

the psychologist got sick. bbut it is frustrating that its almost the end of th

eyear now.

>

> Anyway the problem is I dont know what to do to get her to do her school work.

and we have been dealing with walking on eggshells, rages, refusing to do

things, not caring about any punishment etc for so long that I think us as

parents have kind of given up on her behavior so we need to reestablish

structure, rules and discipline here but even after reading all kinds of books

on autism we just arent sure what is something we need to try and teach and what

is behavior that is punishable and what punishment would even be appropriate. I

think my brain is fried at this point and I just dont know what to do about

todays behavior or anything else. My husband wants to take away her horseback

riding but I really dont think she would care and it seems therapuetic to her

and she only does that once a week. he wants to be the heavy foot and I want to

be more balanced so it is hard to get objective input from him.

>

> Things are just such a mess I guess. She has a developmental pediatrician but

it costs a fortune to go see him. She has a spychiatrist but I had to reschedule

her next appt to the 19th b/c it was monday and I didnt want to reschedule

schools again. the therapist we tried just got frustrated with her and was at a

lose. we are on a waiting list for ot but it is months long.

>

[Guest guest]

Sounds like she is experiencing total sensory overload and coping with reactive/comforting. maybe you could have her in school half days, until she gets more control of her anxiety... or half-class periods, and the 2nd half spent in 1 on 1 para, or in small Spec. Ed group, or quiet-work-alone time in the library. Then slowly increase her in-class time as she feels more capable and confident.

Also, important to talk with her to find out what is going on in the classroom that is overwhelming her. It could be she feels the instruction is just too fast or she doesn't understand the instruction given. It could be a lot of things, but what ever it is that is overwhelming her needs to be addressed... and fast.

I would avoid punishing her at home for what is going on at school, she is simply struggling to cope and get through the school day at this point, and needs your understanding, patience and support. If she is ODD, the last thing you want to do is be heavy handed with her. ODD is a coping skill that develops to deal with the inner anxiety they feel when they are overwhelmed by; enviornment, instruction, social lacking, etc., the ODD is a result of that extreme anxiety. She needs your help to slow it down.

From: Avelar Koehler <jrkoehler@...>Subject: Re: ( ) intro and question Cc: Date: Thursday, March 4, 2010, 12:04 PM

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. I don't have a lot of suggestions but I do have one re: homework. What about doing it in small time slots? For example, if could set up a time she comes home from school and let her have a small break to have something light to eat, run around a bit and drink some water (about 45 minutes). If you can piece out the work, it might help her. 15 minutes reading, 20 minutes of math, 20 minutes of science (or whatever other subject she's working on). If you write it out on a whiteboard for her to see she has 55 minutes of homework (pieced out in 15-20 minute time slots) maybe she won't be so overwhelmed with doing homework.

We just got this idea, for our 7 year old 1st grader, from a tutor at a Neurolinguistic Center working with kids with Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD. It made sense when he presented it to us, and more importantly I believe it will work for our son. This is just a suggestion!

Hopefully, the IEP team will come up with some school strategies that will help in reducing her stress and anxiety about school.

Good luck!

( ) intro and question

OK I typed an intro only to have dh call and me accidentally delete it an dthe undo button wont work. So we will be very abbreviated this time. I have a 10 yr old dd who started in special ed at 3½ but has been in regular ed since K. Dx adhd in 1st grade, on straterra since 2nd grade, dx bp in 3rd grade and put on depakote and now is in 4th grade and was dx with hfa in the fall.She was honor roll stupid, albeit quirky and some social issues that didnt bother anyone from K-3rd. Now she is in 4th grade and we get the teachers say ing she has odd behaviors, then the teachers saying she has the qorst handwriting theyve ever seen, then she is sometimes shutting down in class. Her behavior at home has been typical, no rages and poor homework skills but her normal (not her horrible, cant handle her behavior she has when she needs meds adjusted). Now for the last 3 weeks I have been getting calls and emails from her 2 4th grade teachers, her gifted

teacher, the vice principal. She is doing almost no work in school, shutting down constantly, sneaking her pacifier to school, leaving classes, crying, upset, wont talk (this isnt anything new, she has never been able to let anyone know her problems or needs), etc etc etc. Today I had to go pick her up from school b/c she was upset and tried to not go to lunch and go see the guidance counselor instead who wasnt in, they convinced her to go to lunch only to have her get made at a boy after lunch and hit him with her luncgbox (softsided and sounds more like a purposeful bump but that is entirely beside the point) so she spent the rest of the day shut down in the vice principals office and when they tried to get her on the bus she wouldnt go so I had to go get her.'We finally got her iep meeting rescheduled for Monday (weve been asking for one for 4 years but they wouldnt give us one b/c she wasnt having issues until this year and now with the

autism dx they are even more willing to give her one), it took the whole school year just to get it and then it was cancelled b/c the psychologist got sick. bbut it is frustrating that its almost the end of th eyear now.Anyway the problem is I dont know what to do to get her to do her school work. and we have been dealing with walking on eggshells, rages, refusing to do things, not caring about any punishment etc for so long that I think us as parents have kind of given up on her behavior so we need to reestablish structure, rules and discipline here but even after reading all kinds of books on autism we just arent sure what is something we need to try and teach and what is behavior that is punishable and what punishment would even be appropriate. I think my brain is fried at this point and I just dont know what to do about todays behavior or anything else. My husband wants to take away her horseback riding but I really dont think she would care

and it seems therapuetic to her and she only does that once a week. he wants to be the heavy foot and I want to be more balanced so it is hard to get objective input from him.Things are just such a mess I guess. She has a developmental pediatrician but it costs a fortune to go see him. She has a spychiatrist but I had to reschedule her next appt to the 19th b/c it was monday and I didnt want to reschedule schools again. the therapist we tried just got frustrated with her and was at a lose. we are on a waiting list for ot but it is months long.

[Guest guest]

Hi Chuck, I go with what Jan said.

In my case, I have a son. While remarking on their strengths too, I also said

examples like, " you know where you have trouble..., well that's a trait of

Aspergers! and also... " and so on, gave just 3 or so examples.

My son is a bit logical, likes science, etc., so I also included it was

considered neurological - and sort of compared it to ADHD as another

neurological problem, he had classmates with that - and discussed what

" syndrome " meant. And he also already had a diagnosis of OCD, so sort of

understood the " neurological " and that it's the brain and how it's working....

Some children feel relief immediately at knowing. My son wasn't upset but more

stubborn " I don't have it. " But after hearing me talk about it and after some

time passed, at some point he accepted it because we were laughing one day about

a simple misunderstanding (related to taking words too literally) and he said

" well you know I do have Aspergers! "

We didn't get him evaluated until 8th grade. I'd always felt he had traits of

it - but maybe not enough for a diagnosis - and just approached those traits I

recognized from that perspective in order to help him where he needed it.

He's 21 now, is in college, actually lived on campus this past year!

>

> Hello, my name is Chuck and I am new to this group. I do not know much about

, so please bear with me.

>

> First off, we have a 13 yr old daughter who has undiagnosed Asperger's.

> We have always suspected something different with her but could not pin point

it until we met some friends who's son has AS. We then did a ton of research on

the subject and came to a definite conclusion that Asperger's Syndrome is the

answer.

>

> We live in a very rural area, and have no way to see the nearest specialist

which is over 4hrs away.

>

> How do we talk to our daughter about this? I am afraid that telling her that

she has Asperger's will stress her out and cause a melt down.

>

> I would appreciate any comments on this.

>

> Thank you.

>

> Chuck

>

[Guest guest]

Chris...my son was not upset at all...i think he was relieved....it helped him understand who he was and why others reacted the way they did to him. ...sort of put it in perspective for him. Not that kids treat him any better or that it's okay that they can be mean...but at least now he knows why and realizes it because he thinks differently not because he is a "bad" or "odd" person. He understands now that he thinks differently but it is okay because God made him that way for a reason...reasons we may not understand...but they are good reason. And, I am always talking to kids...whether it be Sunday school, school, pool or whatever ...and I explain that it is okay to be different...to think differently, to march to your own drummer...if we were all the same...it would be one boring world.

Jan

"In the Midst of Difficulty lies Opportunity" Albert Einstein

Success is not measured by one's position but by the obstacles one has overcome to obtain that position

From: <@...> Sent: Wed, July 14, 2010 8:36:46 PMSubject: ( ) Re: Intro and Question

Hi Chuck, I go with what Jan said. In my case, I have a son. While remarking on their strengths too, I also said examples like, "you know where you have trouble..., well that's a trait of Aspergers! and also..." and so on, gave just 3 or so examples. My son is a bit logical, likes science, etc., so I also included it was considered neurological - and sort of compared it to ADHD as another neurological problem, he had classmates with that - and discussed what "syndrome" meant. And he also already had a diagnosis of OCD, so sort of understood the "neurological" and that it's the brain and how it's working....Some children feel relief immediately at knowing. My son wasn't upset but more stubborn "I don't have it." But after hearing me talk about it and after some time passed, at some point he accepted it because we were laughing one day about a simple misunderstanding (related to taking words too literally) and he said "well you

know I do have Aspergers!"We didn't get him evaluated until 8th grade. I'd always felt he had traits of it - but maybe not enough for a diagnosis - and just approached those traits I recognized from that perspective in order to help him where he needed it. He's 21 now, is in college, actually lived on campus this past year! >> Hello, my name is Chuck and I am new to this group. I do not know much about , so please bear with me.> > First off, we have a 13 yr old daughter who has undiagnosed Asperger's.> We have always suspected something different with her but could not pin point it until we met some friends who's son has AS. We then did a ton of

research on the subject and came to a definite conclusion that Asperger's Syndrome is the answer. > > We live in a very rural area, and have no way to see the nearest specialist which is over 4hrs away. > > How do we talk to our daughter about this? I am afraid that telling her that she has Asperger's will stress her out and cause a melt down.> > I would appreciate any comments on this.> > Thank you.> > Chuck>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Chuck,

We have a 13-1/2 year old daughter whom we suspect has Aspergers.

I've thought she had it since she was about four years old, but she's

gotten different diagnoses (depression, sensory integration

dysfunction, etc.). She is extremely smart and creative, and usually

is seen as just " brilliant and eccentric. " I'd really like to have

her evaluated again, but at her age, want to proceed carefully. It

sounds like you have the same concerns.

We chose to give her the book " Pretending to Be Normal, " which is

written by a woman diagnosed in adulthood who also has a daughter

with Aspergers. It is very positive, and the author talks about how

she felt at different times in her life (as a child, teen, and

adult), and about how her diagnosis explained a lot, and gave her

some good tools for dealing with her challenges and differences. I

told her that it was written by a woman who had something called

Aspergers Syndrome (and a little bit about what AS was), and that I'd

like her to read the book because a lot of things in it reminded me

of her. She asked if I thought she had AS, and I told her I thought

she might, and that if she thought so, too, after reading the book,

we could do an evaluation. I told her her a little about what the

evaluation might involve (talking with a doctor, maybe filling out

some questionnaires, etc.)

Her reaction was really fascinating to me. She was not upset or

alarmed at all. She told me she would read the book, but that it was

third on her list, because she had two other books she " had scheduled

to read first once school was out " ! And that is what she has done! I

think she is finally getting around to reading it now.

I'm sure that different kids react differently to the idea that they

might have AS. It's good to consider your child's emotional makeup

before you talk to her. But you may find – as we did – that if you

keep the discussion positive and low-key, there is little drama. My

daughter has always known that she was different, but we have treated

it as a positive thing. Our motto: Weird is good.

I hope you will continue to post about how you proceed with your

daughter. I'd love to hear how things go.... there are not many

parents of girls with AS (or suspected AS) on this list, and it can

present much differently with girls than boys, so our situations are

somewhat different.

[Guest guest]

Hi, Chuck -

You may find that if your daughter has been feeling " out of sync " with the rest

of the world, that finding out there's a NAME for it is actually a good thing.

Our daughter began to be aware of her differences at about 13, although at that

point we only had a dx of sensory processing disorder. But as she read more

about it, and began to think about herself more, she took the lead in diagnosing

herself and figuring out what might be going on - and in the past year and a

half she's pushed us to have her screened for ADHD, Central Auditory Processing

Disorder, and finally now Aspergers - the last was just formally dx'd yesterday,

but we've been certain for months now that she was right. Her reaction is

relief that she now knows for sure; she feels like the missing puzzle piece has

just dropped into place. Of course, she's also 16 now and very

high-functioning, but the main thing is that each kid is different.

You might try finding one of the books on Aspergers written by a teen. I'm

thinking of a particular book but right at this moment can't recall the name -

maybe someone else here can fill it in for me? My daughter has taken on ASDs as

one of her current obsessions, but at least it's one that she can put to good

use in her daily life.

Good luck!

>

> Hello, my name is Chuck and I am new to this group. I do not know much about

, so please bear with me.

>

> First off, we have a 13 yr old daughter who has undiagnosed Asperger's.

> We have always suspected something different with her but could not pin point

it until we met some friends who's son has AS. We then did a ton of research on

the subject and came to a definite conclusion that Asperger's Syndrome is the

answer.

>

> We live in a very rural area, and have no way to see the nearest specialist

which is over 4hrs away.

>

> How do we talk to our daughter about this? I am afraid that telling her that

she has Asperger's will stress her out and cause a melt down.

>

> I would appreciate any comments on this.

>

> Thank you.

>

> Chuck

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome, Chuck. I also have a 13 year old daughter who is just now being evaluated for AS, but like you I am pretty sure she has it. When we told her, she was actually relieved. I think it made her feel better to know there was a reason she felt different from her peers and had more difficulty with things. She also knows it means we can get her the help she needs to stay on track at school.Now, with you in such a rural area I don't know about that last part, but the other things still hold. From: holcomb_chuck@...Date: Wed, 14 Jul 2010 22:01:20 +0000Subject: ( ) Intro and Question

Hello, my name is Chuck and I am new to this group. I do not know much about , so please bear with me.

First off, we have a 13 yr old daughter who has undiagnosed Asperger's.

We have always suspected something different with her but could not pin point it until we met some friends who's son has AS. We then did a ton of research on the subject and came to a definite conclusion that Asperger's Syndrome is the answer.

We live in a very rural area, and have no way to see the nearest specialist which is over 4hrs away.

How do we talk to our daughter about this? I am afraid that telling her that she has Asperger's will stress her out and cause a melt down.

I would appreciate any comments on this.

Thank you.

Chuck

Hotmail has tools for the New Busy. Search, chat and e-mail from your inbox. Learn more.

[Guest guest]

My son was diagnosed around 9 & he was so relieved. I could actually see an

invisible weight lifting from his shoulders when I told him what the doctor

said. Of course, I put a positive spin on it. I told him that a lot of people

have this condition and that he is not alone. I told him that it affects more

boys than girls. And that his brain just works a bit different. Some things that

are easy for others to learn are hard for him, but he has the gift to see

solutions and to solve problems that other people can't. Things will get better

for him over time, but he needs to work on the areas where he is behind the

other kids - like learning how to have a conversation, making friends, and so

on.