sibling issues

April 5, 2000

Hi all,

The sibling issue was tough for us too. Since Kelsey's brother was only 4

when everything fell apart a year ago, and he sort of accepted Kelsey's OCD

quirks at face value, Dr. Hat suggested we leave it at that and not explain too

much. This was sort of hard for me. As a young child trying to understand the

ways of the world, he sometimes mimiced his big sister's fussiness about

contaminated food, bedtime anxiety, etc.

The worst though was when we rented videos and he had to check with her to make

sure his choice passed muster for being uncontaminated. I allowed this, as

contaminated videos were way up on the hierarchy, but it felt very

dysfunctional. Then one time she changed her mind after he brought his video

home and told me that if he watched it, the house would then become poison and

she could never come back in. I was really frightened as I believed her and we

had had one instance where it took me hours to coax her back in. He ended up

watching it when she was gone, but had to promise not to tell her because I knew

the house would still become contaminated. More dysfunction with secrets, etc.

Then once he wanted to read a book and she said I couldn't read it to him or the

house would be poison, I knew it was time to draw the line. He was just so

confused and upset and looking to me to set a limit, because it obviously wasn't

fair. Fortunately, we were well on our way with CBT by then so I assured her I

wouldn't do it just yet...that I would help find a compromise we could all live

with. She agreed to go outside and cover her ears while we read and then I would

help her come back in the house. It worked!

A funny story—last night was fretting at bedtime...the sheets were too

bunched up, he couldn't find his " blankie " . Finally Steve told him to " boss it. "

He said, " But daddy, I don't have a bad guy! " (what Kelsey calls her OCD.) And

Steve said he wasn't so sure about that!

continues to be a little OC. I continue to remain hopeful he doesn't have

the disorder. It's difficult to sort out at this age without severe symptoms.

Maybe this encouragement to boss back will help increase his awarenesss of the

need to resist any OC stuff early on. I figure this is a good culture to

encourage in our family for all of us. Daddy and Kelsey are currently working on

nailbiting issues together

Take care,

in San Diego

October 3, 2010

Angi~ Good luck on your paper. Would love to read the final work. You just

described what it is like in my home on a constant basis. My AS son is a twin

and this goes on constantly. Would love to hear from other's how to minimize

this. My son't psychologist is concerned about the impact on him. We've tried

to talk to his twin about how this affects him but it hasn't made an impact. He

is very sly in the way he does it and it is not always clear about exactly what

happened as my AS son often gets confused in the details and how to communicate

what has happened.

---- angela <angi_400@...> wrote:

> First, I want to say thank you to everyone who responded to my question about

the hardest part of raising a child with Autism. Thanks to your support, I

should do well on my paper (which is due on Monday!). I'll be sure to let you

know how it comes out.

>

> Does anyone else have problems with an older sibling causing problems with

your Autie or Aspie child? I have a 14yo son with no disabilities. He goes out

of his way (it seems to my hubby and I) to cause problems with my 12yo with AS.

He seems to try and do anything that will rile his brother up to where my 12yo

breaks and loses control. Sometimes it's playing around and cutting up and not

stopping, other times it's just plain being mean to him for no reason. Take

this morning. Hubby and 12yo were ready to go get breakfast. The guys go out

on the weekends to spend time together, something they do everyweekend now that

my husband's job changed so he's off on the weekends. My younger son was

sitting on the couch, and my older son walked in and hit him in the back of the

head with a pair of socks. Of course it set the younger one off, and he came to

us instead of getting into a fight with his brother. As a result, my older son

didn't get to go with them, and now he's mad and stomping around.

>

> I know my older son feels that the younger one gets more priviledges and less

consequences. I know he's jealous of all the extra attention my younger son

gets at times, too. We've tried giving my older son extra freedoms (when he

earns them). We allow him to participate in extra activities at school, even

though it tends to affect our afternoon/evening schedule and upset his brother.

>

> I just don't know how to stop this. This isn't new. Our older son has been

doing this for years. Talking to him doesn't do any good. He says he knows all

the things we try to talk to him about, but just keeps doing them anyway. Now

he starts with our 2yo daughter. He comes in and tries to get her so wound up

that she screeches. In excitement, but still the same thing.

>

> Sorry this is so long. I'm just so frustrated! Nothing we try seems to help.

Any thoughts would greatly appreciated.

>

> Angi

>

October 3, 2010

yes - we have this A LOT - we have all our kids in counseling - some times they do not get it and are not really trying to set him off , it is just easy to do so - other times they are jealous of the concessions he gets, the attention, how much we drive him from therapy to therapy, or just plain aggravated their life is not the same as their friends- some days are good, some bad- but they are definitely learning a lot and I am amazed at how wonderful they can be with my son, when they choose to be helpful- my daughter for instance ( 13) can get my 8 year old aspie to do things no one else can. We watched a lot of movies about autism and aspergers to try and help them understand his perspective and why he does the things he does. Autism the musical was a huge hit at our house. We also had quite a few family sessions with my son's therapist so they could

learn about how they can help him and so he could learn how his behaviors affect them.Unfortunately the therapist moved to a larger practice many miles a way, but to this day I think that was that best result oriented therapy we had when we were all able to role play out the things that happen in our house- they all gained insight and I learned how to better help them through without interfering so much that I upset the natural sibling balance. They have to be able to find a rythm that works for them- they need to have house rules and boundaries but beyond that their sibling relationships really to set up some of the social relationships the Aspie child has otside- my kids taught myson a lot fot he unwritten rules or would explaint o him when he does somethign other kids would think is weird, so it helps him in the real world to assimilate better. They also teach him all the naughty stuff I didn't want hem too, but as it turns out being a kid and not

knowing that stuff makes you a freak noone wants to hang out with, so he needed to know it, even if he wasn't supposed to do any of it. they help me to stay in touch with reality, because otherwise I would have no clue some of the stuff he needs to know to be socially accepted byt he other kids. They also have been handy ina crisis at school - for a while they were all at a charter school k-8 and when he woudl have a meltdown there, they would be able to help the administration get him back out of the atmosphere. Now he is in another school with more support, and I think they appreciate that because ti was embarassing for them when he would have these episodes in front of their friends, but in some ways it is sad because they enjoyed playing together at recess and nt he afterschool program and now they are in two different places so they don't see each other as much. > First, I want to say thank you to everyone who responded to my question about the hardest part of raising a child with Autism. Thanks to your support, I should do well on my paper (which

is due on Monday!). I'll be sure to let you know how it comes out.> > Does anyone else have problems with an older sibling causing problems with your Autie or Aspie child? I have a 14yo son with no disabilities. He goes out of his way (it seems to my hubby and I) to cause problems with my 12yo with AS. He seems to try and do anything that will rile his brother up to where my 12yo breaks and loses control. Sometimes it's playing around and cutting up and not stopping, other times it's just plain being mean to him for no reason. Take this morning. Hubby and 12yo were ready to go get breakfast. The guys go out on the weekends to spend time together, something they do everyweekend now that my husband's job changed so he's off on the weekends. My younger son was sitting on the couch, and my older son walked in and hit him in the back of the head with a pair of socks. Of course it set the younger one off, and he came to us instead of getting

into a fight with his brother. As a result, my older son didn't get to go with them, and now he's mad and stomping around.> > I know my older son feels that the younger one gets more priviledges and less consequences. I know he's jealous of all the extra attention my younger son gets at times, too. We've tried giving my older son extra freedoms (when he earns them). We allow him to participate in extra activities at school, even though it tends to affect our afternoon/evening schedule and upset his brother. > > I just don't know how to stop this. This isn't new. Our older son has been doing this for years. Talking to him doesn't do any good. He says he knows all the things we try to talk to him about, but just keeps doing them anyway. Now he starts with our 2yo daughter. He comes in and tries to get her so wound up that she screeches. In excitement, but still the same thing.> > Sorry this is so long. I'm just so

frustrated! Nothing we try seems to help. Any thoughts would greatly appreciated.> > Angi>

November 4, 2010

Hi there,

I am mum to jacob 13(aspie) and Lenny 5(nt). There are major relationship

issues between the boys, seems to permanently need to control Lenny,

almost as though he is his parent he get angry and annoyed at the slightest

thing and will hit Lenny, hold him down and scream at him with no understanding

of Lennys age, i am unable to even take a shower or leave them together in a

room without hearing bloodcurdling sceams in a matter of minutes, it seems

nothing i do or say too Jake makes a difference, he seems to feels persecuted at

the slighted critisim to his behaviour. I now home school Lenny so he has a

chance to be nurtured and taught the right way to behave as he starded hitting

out at school, being home has done him wonders and he is so gentle and easy

going during the day. Lenny gets so angry with now and is learning his

behaviour. Does anyone have any ideas? Generally s execels at school,

though he hasn't been without his problems in the past, he seems to thrive on

the structure at school and has come leaps and bounds since his Dx in feb, I

love him to bits he is an amazinzing person, if only we could sort out the

constant confrontation and be able to explain certain social skills with out him

taking offense, the slighted critism throws him into a meltdown, but there has

to be a line of what he can get away with dosen't there? does anyone have

similar sibling issues, i know all siblings fight but this is tenfold to that of

norm any suggestions gratefully recieved....Thanks

November 5, 2010

Has been to any kind of counseling? How about social skills classes? He needs some extra help in how to deal with his brother. I know it's hard when it's constant, but there needs to be immediate consequences when hurts his little brother. And of course, if there is sometime when they are not fighting, both should be rewarded. I think a counselor or social worker would be able to help your family some more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Suzanne

suzmarkwood@...

From: Finbow <nataliefinbow@...>Subject: ( ) sibling issues Date: Thursday, November 4, 2010, 2:33 AM

Hi there,I am mum to jacob 13(aspie) and Lenny 5(nt). There are major relationship issues between the boys, seems to permanently need to control Lenny, almost as though he is his parent he get angry and annoyed at the slightest thing and will hit Lenny, hold him down and scream at him with no understanding of Lennys age, i am unable to even take a shower or leave them together in a room without hearing bloodcurdling sceams in a matter of minutes, it seems nothing i do or say too Jake makes a difference, he seems to feels persecuted at the slighted critisim to his behaviour. I now home school Lenny so he has a chance to be nurtured and taught the right way to behave as he starded hitting out at school, being home has done him wonders and he is so gentle and easy going during the day. Lenny gets so angry with now and is learning his behaviour. Does anyone have any ideas? Generally s execels at school, though he hasn't been without

his problems in the past, he seems to thrive on the structure at school and has come leaps and bounds since his Dx in feb, I love him to bits he is an amazinzing person, if only we could sort out the constant confrontation and be able to explain certain social skills with out him taking offense, the slighted critism throws him into a meltdown, but there has to be a line of what he can get away with dosen't there? does anyone have similar sibling issues, i know all siblings fight but this is tenfold to that of norm any suggestions gratefully recieved....Thanks

November 5, 2010

Hi ,

Defo, alot of what i said was venting!!! Today being a better day, i do try to

take everyday as it comes, but dealing with a stressful child can be wearing as

we all know, but the one thing i have to remember is how much more stressful for

jake life can be. I hope that as Lenny gets older i can teach him and help him

to understand jakes difficulties, sometimes it just nice to know were not the

only ones!!good luck and warm wishes

> >

> > Hi there,

> > I am mum to jacob 13(aspie) and Lenny 5(nt). There are major relationship