Re: How Do Blended Families Do It??

[Guest guest]

See my take below

From: cmt263 <gina9431@...>Subject: ( ) How Do Blended Families Do It?? Date: Friday, October 8, 2010, 12:37 PM

I have an 8 year old son with AS. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years....he has an 11 year old son.I just find sooooo many issues when it comes to combining our family and really question if we could ever be happy. We spend lots of time together and have gone on numerous vacations/trips together, so we have experienced a little what things would be like. My son tends to act worse around BF and his son. Sometimes I think it is a jealousy/attention thing, sometimes I think he is excited to see them (he seems to love them both). So, things are exaggerated when we are together and BF doesn't see what our normal home life is like (it can be bad, but not as bad). I often wonder if things would eventually calm down for my son if we lived togther or if every day would be crazy! Pretty sure if BF is there all the time things would normalize for your son.I also struggle with how to feel

half the time. My BF has the sweetest, easiest child ever. He hardly ever has to discipline him. He gets straight A's (although mine does too), never gets in trouble at school, and his great at pretty much everything he does. He plays every sport available and always has to be the "superstar" of the team. BF and his family are a bit much when it comes to sports and I find myself jealous because my son does not even want to play. If he does....it usually end up being a nightmare. My son has low muscle tone and struggles with motor skills, so sports are obviously hard for him. Some days I just want to puke listening to BF and his parents go on and on about how good his son did at this or at that........ I can see that being difficult but thats just how it is.Yet I am happy for his son. I love him and think he is a great kid....but he is not mine child and I feel bad that my child cannot do all of that.I

also struggle with knowing what to expect out of my BF when it comes to my son. He rarely says anything to my son (that's not good. I think before you tie the knot it ought to feel like one family not two. When a person gets married everything should feel shared and everyone should feel like they are playing for the same team), but has when things start getting out of control or they are directed at him. For example.....last Saturday my son was very tired and being obnoxious and rude. At one point BF tried to explain something to him and my son told him to shut up and mind his own business (mind you....BF son would never say anything slightly rude let alone this rude!). BF said something back and I found myself in the middle feeling torn. We talked about it later and BF doesn't feel anyone should be able to disrespect him like that. BF is right on this one. Plus you AS son is going to have

to learn over time how to treat others including BF. If BF says nothing than AS son gets wrong idea. This has been a sore subject as BF has brought up my son is disrespectful (which he can be!). I feel like that ends up being a direct reflection of my parenting. I get upset and say something stupid like, "well if I were only as good of a parent as you and your son's Mom....guess it must be all my fault". Try not to get personal when having a disagreement. Try to keep in logical. I just don't know how I should feel. Obviously my son will never be his flesh and blood, but how close should I expect them to be? I think with all the extra stress that raising a boy is AS can be, BF should get very close to your son. He's not just marrying you hes marrying your son too. BF has never dealt with any type of disability let alone AS. His

comes from the perfect little family where parenting is so easy and everything should be just like it was when he grew up!! All three of my boys have been stubborn, difficult, and real fuss buckets as babies. I too get so jealous of those other parent's who have these kids that just do everything perfect. I know my son makes it hard to connect with him. Should I expect BF to be the adult and be able to connect in some way and understand? BF should be helping your son with his OT. By that I mean helping him learn coordination and muscle memory skills. EVEN how to catch a ball just as if your son were neurotypical. He of course will have to be more determined and more patient. I would say that if BF loves your son this is what he would do. I think he would want to spend time helping your son get better. Teaching him how to do a crunch, or bounce on a

trampoline, etc... I know because this is what I do with my son. I hang on to every comment he has ever said about my son and find myself being resentful. I start to worry the problem is our relationship yet I find it hard to believe this will not be a problem with every man I date. My BEST advice is that you've got to get your son with AS together more with your BF and see what happens. BF isn't going to instantly bond with your son the way a father does when their son comes out of the womb. I think if you see your BF starting to take an interest in helping your son that would be a GREAT sign. If you BF is apathetic or OK with your son just how he is I'd be worried. Acceptance is one thing but apathy is another. Your BF should accept you son for who he is but if he just kind of resigns himself to letting you be your sons only care taker and

parent then thats no good. BF has made aweseome effort to learn about AS, read about AS, etc. He has come to a counseling appointment with me to talk about my son. He has gone to events with us related to my son. He has asked others questions and does seem to be trying. For me I just keep coming back to ACTION. You give hime a book perhaps he just appeases you and read it. But if he actually starts to get his hands dirty a bit and tries to work with your son, talk with him, play with him, etc... than you've got a good thing going. I just worry that this will never be right for him and his perfect little family.......or maybe it is just me and my jealousy/hestiation that will never allow it to happen. After all......look at the divorce rate for bio parents of an AS child.....are my chance about 0% between this and being married prior? Well

think of AS as a constant stressor. 80% end in divorce is what I've heard. That 60% more likely than regular folks. My second son has a birthmark on his face. We are told that it will go away. But if it doesn't I'm not sure it shouldn't stay there. Its really not that bad and I don't even notice it. Neither would someone who had gotten to know him at all. I think leaving it there might be good because it would weed out the petty, ameturish, judgemental, girls from being interested in him just for his looks right of the bat. Sometimes its a blessing is what I'm trying to say. You find a guy who really loves your AS son and you've found yourself a husband. If he can't deal with it then move on I say. Its tough but so is marrage even normal marrage.

Sorry for the vent....hoping there is someone else out there with a similar situation. My wife and I have had our share of arguments over the AS. I'm still trying to cure him....and I will.....and my wife is more accepting. Sometimes too accepting. I feel like sometimes I've had to kick her dragging and screaming into each new phase of his treatment. She is a stay at home mom with 3 boys total. So her day is spent. She is tired all the time. I couldn't do it I'd pass out from exhaustion (6,4,15 months). We have our AS son in OT, drum lessons, soccor (which he voluteered for a gain but is extremely hard for him), swim lessons which have just ended, and I basically force exercise each night. Plus he was sick for like a year and half straight from what turned out to be some kind of infected adenoid/allergy combo. Cured that but dang I had to yell and scream

at her and practically the doctors to get. She is tired and and have to push. But she has come round and I find she listens to me more and helps a lot more when I come up with new ideas or read new things to try. So for us it has definately been stressful. But in a way it has brought us closer. We are both fighting for something important. I think in general the biggest thing that taxes our relationship is just the general amount of stress that exist from day to day. For example we are constantly worried about our 6 yr aspie, than the baby is crying, then maybe one of us is run down and tired, or the middle child is feeling like he needs attention, etc.... Its just unrelenting. I think I'm a pretty good dad and father but I need to do more to help my wife and be more positive. I can be to critical. Scratch that I have a habit of stressing the negative and am too silient

about the positives. In general though I think I'm the glue that keeps everything on track and our toughest times are when I get discouraged. I'm usually very good but I get discouraged when I don't see progress for a while. I guess its most acute when our Aspie regresses which I know is typical of many of the symptoms. But so far all symptoms have improved to one degree or another. Some like obsessions, and interest in parts of objects have completely disappeared. But eye contact seems to regress from time to time and socializing with his peers has been ever so painfully slow. But it seems all I need is to see some small improvement and I snap out of it and get going again. In the end I think we are going to be fortuneate cause I really believe that my son is going to be one of the ones who by adulthood will be free of most of his symptoms and able to adapt to the ones hes left

with. I hope someday he can feel the absolute joy of fatherhood as I have. There is nothing better in life. Thanks for listening,

[Guest guest]

As long as you both keep communicating and everyone is willing to work on things it can work out.  We actually did foster care (which is another set of differing expectations attitudes and abilities being blended into one household.  

Kathy J.On Fri, Oct 8, 2010 at 11:37 PM, cmt263 <gina9431@...> wrote:

 

I have an 8 year old son with AS. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years....he has an 11 year old son.

I just find sooooo many issues when it comes to combining our family and really question if we could ever be happy. We spend lots of time together and have gone on numerous vacations/trips together, so we have experienced a little what things would be like.

My son tends to act worse around BF and his son. Sometimes I think it is a jealousy/attention thing, sometimes I think he is excited to see them (he seems to love them both). So, things are exaggerated when we are together and BF doesn't see what our normal home life is like (it can be bad, but not as bad). I often wonder if things would eventually calm down for my son if we lived togther or if every day would be crazy!

I also struggle with how to feel half the time. My BF has the sweetest, easiest child ever. He hardly ever has to discipline him. He gets straight A's (although mine does too), never gets in trouble at school, and his great at pretty much everything he does. He plays every sport available and always has to be the " superstar " of the team. BF and his family are a bit much when it comes to sports and I find myself jealous because my son does not even want to play. If he does....it usually end up being a nightmare. My son has low muscle tone and struggles with motor skills, so sports are obviously hard for him. Some days I just want to puke listening to BF and his parents go on and on about how good his son did at this or at that........

Yet I am happy for his son. I love him and think he is a great kid....but he is not mine child and I feel bad that my child cannot do all of that.

I also struggle with knowing what to expect out of my BF when it comes to my son. He rarely says anything to my son, but has when things start getting out of control or they are directed at him. For example.....last Saturday my son was very tired and being obnoxious and rude. At one point BF tried to explain something to him and my son told him to shut up and mind his own business (mind you....BF son would never say anything slightly rude let alone this rude!). BF said something back and I found myself in the middle feeling torn. We talked about it later and BF doesn't feel anyone should be able to disrespect him like that. This has been a sore subject as BF has brought up my son is disrespectful (which he can be!). I feel like that ends up being a direct reflection of my parenting. I get upset and say something stupid like, " well if I were only as good of a parent as you and your son's Mom....guess it must be all my fault " .

I just don't know how I should feel. Obviously my son will never be his flesh and blood, but how close should I expect them to be? BF has never dealt with any type of disability let alone AS. His comes from the perfect little family where parenting is so easy and everything should be just like it was when he grew up!! I know my son makes it hard to connect with him. Should I expect BF to be the adult and be able to connect in some way and understand? I hang on to every comment he has ever said about my son and find myself being resentful. I start to worry the problem is our relationship yet I find it hard to believe this will not be a problem with every man I date.

BF has made aweseome effort to learn about AS, read about AS, etc. He has come to a counseling appointment with me to talk about my son. He has gone to events with us related to my son. He has asked others questions and does seem to be trying. I just worry that this will never be right for him and his perfect little family.......or maybe it is just me and my jealousy/hestiation that will never allow it to happen. After all......look at the divorce rate for bio parents of an AS child.....are my chance about 0% between this and being married prior?

Sorry for the vent....hoping there is someone else out there with a similar situation.

Thanks for listening,

[Guest guest]

We are a blended family as well, but my ds was only three when my husband and I

got married and he had no children so it has been different than your situation.

We do differ on parenting in many areas and he does tend to be more strict. We

have had to do a lot of talking it out especially when it comes to AS behaviors

and when punishment is and isn't appropriate. I do try not to get angry and

just discuss the problem and how to deal with it. Obviously your son is

responding to your boyfriend inappropriately at times. Maybe you need to sit

down with your boyfriend and discuss what might be causing the issue be it AS,

jealousy, etc. and try to find a compromise in how to deal with it. If your son

sees you arguing about it in the moment, he will figure out how to play each of

you against each other to get what he wants. I think if you are both willing to

make an effort, it will be okay in the end. I do understand the resentment with

the " perfect " kid. While my husband had no other children when we married, I

watch my " perfect " nieces who eat their veggies, potty trained at 18 months, and

behave so nicely, and I definitely feel that twinge of resentment which might

actually be worse if it was a kid I was around all the time. I just try to

remind myself how special my special needs kids are and that I shouldn't

compare. I have 3 kids none of which are NTs and it is rough, I get it. But

your boyfreind has been dealing with AS and your son for two years, right? So

I'm guessing he is struggling too and may not know how to express it.

>

> I have an 8 year old son with AS. My boyfriend and I have been dating for

over 2 years....he has an 11 year old son.

>

> I just find sooooo many issues when it comes to combining our family and

really question if we could ever be happy. We spend lots of time together and

have gone on numerous vacations/trips together, so we have experienced a little

what things would be like.

>

> My son tends to act worse around BF and his son. Sometimes I think it is a

jealousy/attention thing, sometimes I think he is excited to see them (he seems

to love them both). So, things are exaggerated when we are together and BF

doesn't see what our normal home life is like (it can be bad, but not as bad).

I often wonder if things would eventually calm down for my son if we lived

togther or if every day would be crazy!

>

> I also struggle with how to feel half the time. My BF has the sweetest,

easiest child ever. He hardly ever has to discipline him. He gets straight A's

(although mine does too), never gets in trouble at school, and his great at

pretty much everything he does. He plays every sport available and always has

to be the " superstar " of the team. BF and his family are a bit much when it

comes to sports and I find myself jealous because my son does not even want to

play. If he does....it usually end up being a nightmare. My son has low muscle

tone and struggles with motor skills, so sports are obviously hard for him.

Some days I just want to puke listening to BF and his parents go on and on about

how good his son did at this or at that........

>

> Yet I am happy for his son. I love him and think he is a great kid....but he

is not mine child and I feel bad that my child cannot do all of that.

>

> I also struggle with knowing what to expect out of my BF when it comes to my

son. He rarely says anything to my son, but has when things start getting out

of control or they are directed at him. For example.....last Saturday my son

was very tired and being obnoxious and rude. At one point BF tried to explain

something to him and my son told him to shut up and mind his own business (mind

you....BF son would never say anything slightly rude let alone this rude!). BF

said something back and I found myself in the middle feeling torn. We talked

about it later and BF doesn't feel anyone should be able to disrespect him like

that. This has been a sore subject as BF has brought up my son is disrespectful

(which he can be!). I feel like that ends up being a direct reflection of my

parenting. I get upset and say something stupid like, " well if I were only as

good of a parent as you and your son's Mom....guess it must be all my fault " .

>

> I just don't know how I should feel. Obviously my son will never be his flesh

and blood, but how close should I expect them to be? BF has never dealt with

any type of disability let alone AS. His comes from the perfect little family

where parenting is so easy and everything should be just like it was when he

grew up!! I know my son makes it hard to connect with him. Should I expect BF

to be the adult and be able to connect in some way and understand? I hang on to

every comment he has ever said about my son and find myself being resentful. I

start to worry the problem is our relationship yet I find it hard to believe

this will not be a problem with every man I date.

>

> BF has made aweseome effort to learn about AS, read about AS, etc. He has

come to a counseling appointment with me to talk about my son. He has gone to

events with us related to my son. He has asked others questions and does seem

to be trying. I just worry that this will never be right for him and his

perfect little family.......or maybe it is just me and my jealousy/hestiation

that will never allow it to happen. After all......look at the divorce rate for

bio parents of an AS child.....are my chance about 0% between this and being

married prior?

>

> Sorry for the vent....hoping there is someone else out there with a similar

situation.

>

> Thanks for listening,

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sounds like your BF is a pretty good guy. It sounds like you get depressed and jealous when things are so hard for your ds and you see his ds having it so "easy." But I think it's important to not try to compare the two boys. Your ds has a disability and you just can't compare them with each other because they start from such different places. I don't know what the answers are but you should give yourself a break sometimes because it is always harder dealing with your ds and it probably always will be harder. Try to be more practical about that. I know it's hard because I see other people who have kids without problems and it doesn't seem fair that they aren't even nice people and they have easy kids. lol. But I try to remind myself of the facts and that it isn't comparable. You have to really let go of the idea that life could be that easy "if only"... I think that sometimes let's us hang on to our fantasy life too long instead of hitting reality and dealing with the day to day as best we can. You know, "If only he didn't do that...." or "If only he was normal" or "If only he tried harder to be like that..." or whatever we secretly wish would stop.

Roxanna

"I

predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them." - Jefferson

( ) How Do Blended Families Do It??

I have an 8 year old son with AS. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years....he has an 11 year old son.

I just find sooooo many issues when it comes to combining our family and really question if we could ever be happy. We spend lots of time together and have gone on numerous vacations/trips together, so we have experienced a little what things would be like.

My son tends to act worse around BF and his son. Sometimes I think it is a jealousy/attention thing, sometimes I think he is excited to see them (he seems to love them both). So, things are exaggerated when we are together and BF doesn't see what our normal home life is like (it can be bad, but not as bad). I often wonder if things would eventually calm down for my son if we lived togther or if every day would be crazy!

I also struggle with how to feel half the time. My BF has the sweetest, easiest child ever. He hardly ever has to discipline him. He gets straight A's (although mine does too), never gets in trouble at school, and his great at pretty much everything he does. He plays every sport available and always has to be the "superstar" of the team. BF and his family are a bit much when it comes to sports and I find myself jealous because my son does not even want to play. If he does....it usually end up being a nightmare. My son has low muscle tone and struggles with motor skills, so sports are obviously hard for him. Some days I just want to puke listening to BF and his parents go on and on about how good his son did at this or at that........

Yet I am happy for his son. I love him and think he is a great kid....but he is not mine child and I feel bad that my child cannot do all of that.

I also struggle with knowing what to expect out of my BF when it comes to my son. He rarely says anything to my son, but has when things start getting out of control or they are directed at him. For example.....last Saturday my son was very tired and being obnoxious and rude. At one point BF tried to explain something to him and my son told him to shut up and mind his own business (mind you....BF son would never say anything slightly rude let alone this rude!). BF said something back and I found myself in the middle feeling torn. We talked about it later and BF doesn't feel anyone should be able to disrespect him like that. This has been a sore subject as BF has brought up my son is disrespectful (which he can be!). I feel like that ends up being a direct reflection of my parenting. I get upset and say something stupid like, "well if I were only as good of a parent as you and your son's Mom....guess it must be all my fault".

I just don't know how I should feel. Obviously my son will never be his flesh and blood, but how close should I expect them to be? BF has never dealt with any type of disability let alone AS. His comes from the perfect little family where parenting is so easy and everything should be just like it was when he grew up!! I know my son makes it hard to connect with him. Should I expect BF to be the adult and be able to connect in some way and understand? I hang on to every comment he has ever said about my son and find myself being resentful. I start to worry the problem is our relationship yet I find it hard to believe this will not be a problem with every man I date.

BF has made aweseome effort to learn about AS, read about AS, etc. He has come to a counseling appointment with me to talk about my son. He has gone to events with us related to my son. He has asked others questions and does seem to be trying. I just worry that this will never be right for him and his perfect little family.......or maybe it is just me and my jealousy/hestiation that will never allow it to happen. After all......look at the divorce rate for bio parents of an AS child.....are my chance about 0% between this and being married prior?

Sorry for the vent....hoping there is someone else out there with a similar situation.

Thanks for listening,