humor

[Guest guest]

Hey Marta ... I laughed so hard at your humor post I almost fell off my

chair and hurt myself.

Loved it ... more, more. :-)

Ann

[Guest guest]

>It's about a cheaper, more powerful, better tasting whey product. It's

>a floor wax, dishwashing detergent, plant fertilizer, roach killer, etc

But wait, there's more!! If you order before midnight tonight you also

get

this 7 piece set of Ginsu steak knives.....

Sorry, memories of too much late night TV.

Theresa

[Guest guest]

Anne,

That was too funny!!! I was in the bookstore the other day and saw " Sex

for Dummies " ! I'm not even kidding!!! Too weird!

^,,^

>:<

**** @lison

[Guest guest]

Hahahaha! Good one Patty...not a tough decision is it? Or is it? Not for me...see ya at the polls on November 7th...Everyone get out and vote! If you don't vote I don't want to hear any bitchin' about what should or should not have been done. You didn't care to vote so why should you care what happens....go voice your opinion at the polls.!!!

Donna

Patty Bacon <pattybacon@...> wrote:

WHAT WAS I TO DO?Out for a walk one afternoon I came upon a fencearound a cow pasture. On this fence was a signthat stated " Beware of the Bull. " Now I am not one to doubt the warnings on signsbut it did seem to be a shortcut across the pastureto where I wanted to go. I looked verycarefully in every direction and no bull did I see.Weighing the decision extremely well, it seemed thatcrossing this cow pasture was a safe thing to do,since I could see no bull. Anyway thisbull may not be that bad after all.About half way across the pasture, I spotted the bull.It was the biggest and meanest looking bull that Ihad ever seen. He had long sharp horns and wascoming straight towards me. My one stroke of luck wasthat evidently this bull hadn't seen me yet. I lookedaround very quickly and much to mydismay there was not a tree big enough to climbanywhere close enough to be ofany help to me. The only thing there were some bushes.However one of the bushes was large enough tohide behind. I had to make a decision quickly beforethe bull saw me. What was I to do??????GET BEHIND A BUSH ..... OR GET GORED!-------------------------- eGroups Sponsor -------------------------~-~>eLertsIt's Easy. It's Fun. Best of All, it's Free!>Please'>1/9699/4/_/494167/_/972874218/-------------------------------------------------------------------->Please visit our new web page at:http://www.wpunj.edu/icip/paThis past year had moderated a chat on arthritis at www.about.com on Thursday evenings and hopes to start up doing so again soon- we will keep you posted! Meanwhile, if anyone would like to start a weekly chat on egroups, please contact or . Thanks

[Guest guest]

Patty are you from Texas? HA HA HA

Ilene

[Guest guest]

Thank you! somebody had to say it!!!

I am considering Canadian residency if we get another Bush in the White House!!!

-Li

" J. Walden " wrote:

>

> > WHAT WAS I TO DO? GET BEHIND A BUSH ..... OR GET GORED!

>

> I'd rather take my chances getting Gored rather than hide out behind

> a Bush.

>

>

> Please visit our new web page at:

> http://www.wpunj.edu/icip/pa

>

> This past year had moderated a chat on arthritis at

www.about.com on Thursday evenings and hopes to start up doing so again soon- we

will keep you posted! Meanwhile, if anyone would like to start a weekly chat on

egroups, please contact or . Thanks

[Guest guest]

Debbie,

This is too funny - I am going to send it to my sister. She

currently has only 4 cats, but her new husband of six months is less

than enthralled with them. He said that one of them has a " serious

attitude problem " .

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry this happened but boy did it give me a GOOD LAUGH and I

needed one. I hope that everything is back in tact and working :?)

That's one of those where truth is MUCH better than fiction!!

ROFLMAO

Debbie/FL

> Reading this really cheered up my day. I hope some of you get some

> enjoyment out of it too. Sorry if posting this joke is against

policy, I

> just knew there were many cat lovers out there that might need some

humor

> right now.

>

> Debbie (Tommy's Mom)

>

>

> Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how

legitimate my

> illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

>

> On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the

truth was

> too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head

injury and I

> hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could

think up a

> doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

>

> The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes

to adopt

> a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem,

but one

> morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my

wife, Deb,

> call out to me from the kitchen. " Ed! The garbage disposal is dead.

Come

> reset it. "

>

> " You know where the button is. " I protested through the shower

> (pitter-patter). " Reset it yourself! "

>

> " I am scared! " She pleaded. " What if it starts going and sucks me

in? "

> (Pause) " C'mon, it'll only take a second. "

>

> So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a

statement about

> how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched

down and

> stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last

action I

> remember performing.

>

> It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.

Nay, it

> wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.

It was our

> new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied

between my

> legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I

took the

> bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable,

she

> leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her

> needle-like claws.

>

> I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements,

while

> rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of

a kitten

> hanging from my masculine region.

>

> Wild animals are sometimes faced with a " fight or flight " syndrome.

Men, in

> this predicament, choose only the " flight " option. Fleeing straight

up, the

> sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me

out cold.

>

> When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been

fully

> briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct

their

> work while suppressing hysterical laughter.

>

> At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I

kept

> silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. " What's the

matter, cat

> got your tongue? " If they had only known.

>

> --- Have a fun day!

> --- debbiehenry@e...

> ---

[Guest guest]

Did anyone get an email from " MGB@... " ? It was entitled Kitty.zip.

It has a virus so if you get it ...DO NOT OPEN IT...

Rosemary...this could be what happend to your computor. Do you have good

updated anti virus software?

Does anyone know if that came from DR. R?

Joni

Seattle

[Guest guest]

Joni, I know there's a few viruses coming from the group. Some entitled

" questions " and I can't remember the other one -- something like

" information " -- all had to be downloaded. I know S. got it and

sent it on, I got one from Tom Bover, one from the MGB group itself, and

another from someone else I can't remember. I just deleted them all because

they looked suspicious. Good thing I did that as I find out. I haven't had

much mail from the group and am wondering if quite a few got hit.

from Michigan

MGB 12/29/00

[Guest guest]

I didn't get anything entitled " Kitty Zip) And I'm glad. We've already

fried the motherboard in our computer and have to buy another puter 'cause it

was a packard bell and you can't find parts for them. in SC

[Guest guest]

hey i got it also don't know where it came from i got emails from people i

did't know go look out i lost everthing on my puterworked on it all day

yeasterday...

GOOD LUCK!!!

FAYE C

Re: Re: Humor

> Joni, I know there's a few viruses coming from the group. Some entitled

> " questions " and I can't remember the other one -- something like

> " information " -- all had to be downloaded. I know S. got it and

> sent it on, I got one from Tom Bover, one from the MGB group itself, and

> another from someone else I can't remember. I just deleted them all

because

> they looked suspicious. Good thing I did that as I find out. I haven't

had

> much mail from the group and am wondering if quite a few got hit.

>

> from Michigan

> MGB 12/29/00

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

LOL! Very cute!

Thanks

>From: RJS <bobbyj85@...>

>Reply-

>zapList

>Subject: humor

>Date: Fri, 04 Oct 2002 15:13:43 -0400

>

>Your files are attached and ready to send with this message.

>

>icouldnt resist posting this little video .,...soooooo funny...

>

> bob in pa

><< NeverTrustAPenguin1.mpe >>

I'm crazy for cross stitch!

http://mai_lin.tripod.com/crossstitch/mainframes.html

_________________________________________________________________

MSN Photos is the easiest way to share and print your photos:

http://photos.msn.com/support/worldwide.aspx

[Guest guest]

> Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came

> by.

>

> She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't

> home, because he was performing an appendectomy.

>

> " My, " said the census taker, " that sure is a big word for such a

> little girl. Do you know what it means? "

>

> " Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the

> anesthesiologist! "

[Guest guest]

a Carnes wrote:

> Marcia, I get the emails here in list form. I wrote my couple of jokes

> before the afternoon reports of ear infections came out. I would encourage

> you to go watch some old " I Love Lucy " shows. Humor is a healer.

>

> On a lighter note, I am thinking of picking up my childhood habit of sucking

> my thumb which I did until I was nine years old. Only trouble is I got three

> bouts of pinworm infections from sucking my thumb. So much for fetal

> position cures.

> a

I already watch I love Lucy for humor. I come to the list for serious valid

information and sharing of patient experiences.

[Guest guest]

At 11:15 19/06/03, Steve Lord wrote:

>Thanks to Penny for hir stirring defense of the daft.

Now THAT'S humor!

n

Canberra, Australia

http://members.austarmetro.com.au/~julian/photo-an/photo-an.htm

[Guest guest]

Subject: Fishing Trip Fishing A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Minnesota.The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn, the wife likes toread. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take theboat outand get some sun. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside thewoman and says, "Good morning ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies. (thinking, isn't it obvious.) "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could startat any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," saysthe woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden."That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you can start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am, " and he left..........

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads, its likely she can alsothink.

[Guest guest]

A Love Story I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU... I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU... I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN AND GROAN. I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY... BEG FOR ME TO STOP. I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BERELIEVED WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH YOU. AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS. ALL MY LOVE ..........................SEE BELOW THE FLU

[Guest guest]

I love that one Bob. That is sooooo me. Still laughing. Take care. TURK

AAADD Long but worth reading, its very funny. I'm afraid it reminds me of myself redhot Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.This is how it manifests: I decide to wash my car.As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when Itake out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check leftMy extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my deskwhere I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC! ____________________________________________________ IncrediMail - Email has finally evolved - Click Here Please visit the Zapper homepage athttp://www.ZapLife.org

[Guest guest]

Sorry gang. Having one of those days and I needed this. Hope it makes at least one of you smile...

here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."(and that would be how???...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."(but, it's "just" a suggestion).On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh!On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."(talk about a news flash)On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle).... in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

[Guest guest]

Boy, Bobby you had me hook line and sinker!!!

Thanks for the humor you and Bill provide us!

~guin

humor

hi ya'lli went to dinner at a older friends home.......way out in one of the missippi bayous near the water filled with gators, etc, etc.i was about to eat dinner when i notice a couple of stains on my plate. i asked eddie if the plates were clean, his reply,,,there as clean as coldwater can get them.... apparantly he had no hot water heater.the next morning i noticed a different type stain and little bits of stuff on the edge of my plate.. i asked eddie again,,,,eddie,,,,are you sure these plates are clean,,,his response,,,,there as clean as coldwater can get them..... eddie being a man of very few words. i shut my mouth and ate my breakfast......later that day when i was leaving eddies bloodhound got in my way and wouldnt let me leave the house,,,,,eddie hollered "COLDWATER,,,,,GO LAY DOWN"The hell with the Supreme Court"""IN GOD WE TRUST""" Please visit the Zapper homepage athttp://www.ZapLife.org

[Guest guest]

I loved that post today, the one that tried to lighten things up and I was

relieved by it and was hoping others would get the message.

, I'm happy you decided to carry on, this group, what it is and can

become is important to all of us. I know you have a plan where you would like

to

take it and i hope you follow through. I think lots of members would agree

with that.

That being said, this is becoming tedious and is going nowhere. Its

counterproductive, repetitious, and helps no one. My attitude toward my own

postings has always been that anyone who disagrees with anything I have to say

and

posts a response to the group, has every right to do so. I let it just sit. I

do not respond, and i don't explain nor do I reiterate. I respect differences

and I expect them.

Why don't we all just cool it? arlene

[Guest guest]

THANKS! I hope none of us ever gets to the point that we cannot laugh.

Laughter is one of God's special gifts. Thanks for sharing. Bettie Jane,

Tallahassee

humor

A man was flying from Los Angeles to Hawaii. Half way across the

ocean, the pilot comes on over the intercom and says, " We've lost one

of our engines, but we can limp the rest of the way on the other

engine without a problem.

About 30 minutes later, the pilot comes back on the intercom and says,

" We've lost the other engine, so would like everyone to prepare for a

crash/water landing. "

The man says, " Stupid doctor. He said I was going to die of cancer. "

=================

What do you call a person with CLL?

a Lymphomaniac

================

Do you know why blind people don't sky dive?

It scares the dog.

================

Hey, just wanted to lighten up the posts for a bit. Have a nice day!

RJ

[Guest guest]

Oh lord, that truly was funny, humor, much needed and one of the great

equalizers.

Thanks Lymphomaniac 'pitlochry10'. We have traded these points before and

sometimes we all forget how funny this all really is. Were just lucky to be

alive and laughing .

K.

humor

A man was flying from Los Angeles to Hawaii. Half way across the

ocean, the pilot comes on over the intercom and says, " We've lost one

of our engines, but we can limp the rest of the way on the other

engine without a problem.

About 30 minutes later, the pilot comes back on the intercom and says,

" We've lost the other engine, so would like everyone to prepare for a

crash/water landing. "

The man says, " Stupid doctor. He said I was going to die of cancer. "

=================

What do you call a person with CLL?

a Lymphomaniac

================

Do you know why blind people don't sky dive?

It scares the dog.

================

Hey, just wanted to lighten up the posts for a bit. Have a nice day!

RJ

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

Thanks Bruce,

I loved that. It's a keeper. I lived in the UP for 12 years. It's like no

other place.

Gayla

bruce writes: From UP's Porcupine Press - Great truths that little children have

learned:

> 1. No matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize a cat.

> 2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

> 3. You can't trust a dog to watch your food.

> 4. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

> 5. If your sister hits you, don't hit back. They always catch the > second

person.

> 6. Never ask your 3 - year - old brother to hold a tomato.

> 7. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

> 8. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

> 9. Don't wear polka - dot underwear under white shorts.

> 10. The best place to be when you're sad is in Grandpa's lap