Re: A marriage question

[Guest guest]

Myself and my hubby have been married for 15 years we have four children on the

spectrum

i also have AS

it only causes stress if we let it.

People worry all the time about things but the things they worry about work out

fine on there

without worry.

we have had row's and indeed screaming fights .

but when we sit and think and talk about the problem it works out fine.

with us i am the informed on autism and he learns from me he is wonderful and i

dont no where i

would be without him.

what im trying to say is

love can overcome all

worry is a state of mind and it can be ignored if the wil is strong enough

shell

kind regards shell

http://groups.msn.com/autismaspergersinthefamily

___________________________________________________________

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[Guest guest]

Please keep in mind we are a little 'quack nuts.....' that being said, our marriage has improved since our children's official diagnosis. We have amazing (I MEAN AMAZING) babysitters that help us out!!! And, no matter what our financial situation is at the moment, my husband and I go off by ourselves a minimum of 3 hours per week, and often, we have a 3-5 hour date night during the week and at least 4-6 hours every other Saturday; and we are BORING!!! We both have to get up about 5:30-6 a.m. M-F, so our dates often start after a therapy session; Thursday's from 5-6, our 13 year old has therapy, so we go together to take him (I have a sub in my daycare that then stays until about 8:30-10 depending on when I schedule them each Thursday night). After therapy, we bring him home, sometimes run a few very quick errands between there and home (pick up scripts already ordered a day or two or three before), get fuel; deliver HIM home, and by 6:30-7, we are off for dinner, a movie, or like last night, we ran errands (getting things for the kiddos). The every other Saturday, we have A BLAST!!! We live between all kinds of great things in the Iowa City / Cedar Rapids, Iowa area; one weekend, we may go to the Amana Colonies and walk around leisurely all afternoon and eat there; another time, we may go to a couple of movies; sometimes, we actually take our portable DVD player and a couple of movies from home (we always have more bought that we want to see than we have watched yet) and watch them in our van or on a blanket at a park if it is nice outside; we have even taken a book or two and gone to the park and read; gone to a coffee shop and read and talked and even take board games with us; we can be SUPER SUPER CHEAP so all we pay for is the sitter but IT IS BETTER THAN THERAPY FOR US!!!!

.......but we just have a blast. OUR MARRIAGE HAS IMPROVED GREATLY.

I know some of you will say, "I CANNOT AFFORD THAT." You know what, we are barely making ends meet, but WE CANNOT AFFORD NOT TO!!! Our kids tell us to get going; if we get delayed for any reason, the ASPIES BOYS ARE 'OFF' telling us to do that later; you are supposed to go out; they love it as much as we do! And, not sure if it is our budget or not but our marriage is sooooo strong. Last night, we had dinner at a restaurant we had never been to AND filled out a BASC-2 (parent raing Scales--Adolescent for our 13 year old for the school while we waited for the food---so we do not always 'shut off' the kids from our mind but we were able to be accurate and honest about it all, and give it our undivided attention and return it to the school today!!

Also, we have tutoring (two days a week right now), a mental health waiver through the State for the 13 year old (he comes 1-3 days per week and prefers we are here), therapy bi-weekly for the 6 year old, a child in pre-school, therapy for the 13 year old, Saturday morning Vision Therapy for the 13 year old, and are absolutely always doing something; we have INSISTED on set-scheduled times and appointments, and most of it is very routine for the whole family; my husband is the C,D personality type, and I am the A,B; we have five people that I 'employee' for the daycare (really my own kids!!!!) but only 2 of them work here much; sometimes we admit that it did take FOUR of us to get 2 kids where they needed to be, run the daycare, and perhaps one parent had to be somewhere else, so it takes a lot of effort, time, and good 'management' of a schedule (I HAVE ADHD--medicated!!!)---cannot LIVE without my day planner!!!!

I will take night or weekend kids in my daycare to 'get the money' so I can have my husband and me!!!!!! We just do whatever it takes. All winter, about one night per month, we actually get a local hotel room, and do nothing exciting; we do get a hotel with a hot tub and pool; we have even taken all our own meals with us before; but we just HAVE to make time to get away from kids!!! We relax and love it; often, we will have the sitter bring the kids on the 2nd morning (if we do the whole weekend----) and let them swim, etc. before we check out--and we let her leave from the hotel then! We joined TRIPLE A to save on room rates, we always stay at Best Western and get free rooms after so many stays, etc. We just do whatever we can to make it happen. And, sometimes we say no to things we do not really HAVE to have because without US, there is a problem!!!!

Also, we have talked the "d" word when life stinks....we will NEVER do that again; all we have to do is go to a hotel for a night or weekend; a break without KIDS and we realize that WE are great together / we have a blast and are a perfect match; it is the KIDS driving us NUTS----that keeps us going until the next time!! Sometimes, my husband will 'sneak' money and plan everything!!! And, that is the best (he doesn't even bring me flowers.....so that is just amazing)......YOUR KIDS NEED BOTH OF YOU......just do what you can......

SORRY I WENT ON AND ON---guess I got really excited about it, and realized how lucky I am........

Ruthie

GOOD LUCK!!! That works for us, and it is because we choose to do it; we know we have to.

( ) A marriage question

How did getting your child the help and therpy they needed affect your marriage? It really seems that the stress can not get any worse than it is now for DH and me. And we are just starting the process, we go on the 17th for the eval, the 18th for the resultes and planning, then the 19th to get everything set up. Marsha in NC

[Guest guest]

Ruthie. You may have just "adjusted" my life. I felt it was good before......but I think I'm gonna get a sitter for us tonight and we're going out. Bless you. RobinRUTHIE BRYAN DOLEZAL <DOLEZAL123@...> wrote: Please keep in mind we are a little 'quack nuts.....' that being said, our marriage has improved since our children's official diagnosis. We have amazing (I MEAN AMAZING)

babysitters that help us out!!! And, no matter what our financial situation is at the moment, my husband and I go off by ourselves a minimum of 3 hours per week, and often, we have a 3-5 hour date night during the week and at least 4-6 hours every other Saturday; and we are BORING!!! We both have to get up about 5:30-6 a.m. M-F, so our dates often start after a therapy session; Thursday's from 5-6, our 13 year old has therapy, so we go together to take him (I have a sub in my daycare that then stays until about 8:30-10 depending on when I schedule them each Thursday night). After therapy, we bring him home, sometimes run a few very quick errands between there and home (pick up scripts already ordered a day or two or three before), get fuel; deliver HIM home, and by 6:30-7, we are off for dinner, a movie, or like last night, we ran errands (getting things for the kiddos). The every other Saturday, we have A BLAST!!! We live between all kinds of

great things in the Iowa City / Cedar Rapids, Iowa area; one weekend, we may go to the Amana Colonies and walk around leisurely all afternoon and eat there; another time, we may go to a couple of movies; sometimes, we actually take our portable DVD player and a couple of movies from home (we always have more bought that we want to see than we have watched yet) and watch them in our van or on a blanket at a park if it is nice outside; we have even taken a book or two and gone to the park and read; gone to a coffee shop and read and talked and even take board games with us; we can be SUPER SUPER CHEAP so all we pay for is the sitter but IT IS BETTER THAN THERAPY FOR US!!!! ......but we just have a blast. OUR MARRIAGE HAS IMPROVED GREATLY. I know some of you will say, "I CANNOT AFFORD THAT." You know what, we are barely making ends meet, but WE CANNOT AFFORD NOT TO!!! Our kids tell us to get

going; if we get delayed for any reason, the ASPIES BOYS ARE 'OFF' telling us to do that later; you are supposed to go out; they love it as much as we do! And, not sure if it is our budget or not but our marriage is sooooo strong. Last night, we had dinner at a restaurant we had never been to AND filled out a BASC-2 (parent raing Scales--Adolescent for our 13 year old for the school while we waited for the food---so we do not always 'shut off' the kids from our mind but we were able to be accurate and honest about it all, and give it our undivided attention and return it to the school today!! Also, we have tutoring (two days a week right now), a mental health waiver through the State for the 13 year old (he comes 1-3 days per week and prefers we are here), therapy bi-weekly for the 6 year old, a child in pre-school, therapy for the 13 year old, Saturday morning Vision Therapy for the 13 year old, and are absolutely always doing

something; we have INSISTED on set-scheduled times and appointments, and most of it is very routine for the whole family; my husband is the C,D personality type, and I am the A,B; we have five people that I 'employee' for the daycare (really my own kids!!!!) but only 2 of them work here much; sometimes we admit that it did take FOUR of us to get 2 kids where they needed to be, run the daycare, and perhaps one parent had to be somewhere else, so it takes a lot of effort, time, and good 'management' of a schedule (I HAVE ADHD--medicated!!!)---cannot LIVE without my day planner!!!! I will take night or weekend kids in my daycare to 'get the money' so I can have my husband and me!!!!!! We just do whatever it takes. All winter, about one night per month, we actually get a local hotel room, and do nothing exciting; we do get a hotel with a hot tub and pool; we have even taken all our own meals with us before; but we just HAVE to

make time to get away from kids!!! We relax and love it; often, we will have the sitter bring the kids on the 2nd morning (if we do the whole weekend----) and let them swim, etc. before we check out--and we let her leave from the hotel then! We joined TRIPLE A to save on room rates, we always stay at Best Western and get free rooms after so many stays, etc. We just do whatever we can to make it happen. And, sometimes we say no to things we do not really HAVE to have because without US, there is a problem!!!! Also, we have talked the "d" word when life stinks....we will NEVER do that again; all we have to do is go to a hotel for a night or weekend; a break without KIDS and we realize that WE are great together / we have a blast and are a perfect match; it is the KIDS driving us NUTS----that keeps us going until the next time!! Sometimes, my husband will 'sneak' money and plan everything!!! And,

that is the best (he doesn't even bring me flowers.....so that is just amazing)......YOUR KIDS NEED BOTH OF YOU......just do what you can...... SORRY I WENT ON AND ON---guess I got really excited about it, and realized how lucky I am........ Ruthie GOOD LUCK!!! That works for us, and it is because we choose to do it; we know we have to. ( ) A marriage question How did getting your child the help and therpy they needed affect your marriage? It really seems that the stress can not get any worse than it is now for DH and me. And we are just starting the process, we go on the 17th for the eval, the 18th for the resultes and planning, then the 19th to get everything set up. Marsha in NC

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[Guest guest]

Thanks! Something else we do, that really helps financially: we buy a fundraising for the school coupon book ($15 last year $20 this year), and it has buy an ice skating, get one free; buy an admission, get one free; buy a round of golf, get one free; buy a meal, get meal free; and so one; at least 500 coupons like this; so, we use A LOT OF THEM!!! Ruthie

( ) A marriage question

How did getting your child the help and therpy they needed affect your marriage? It really seems that the stress can not get any worse than it is now for DH and me. And we are just starting the process, we go on the 17th for the eval, the 18th for the resultes and planning, then the 19th to get everything set up. Marsha in NC

Be a better Globetrotter. Get better travel answers from someone who knows. Answers - Check it out.

[Guest guest]

Ruthie, I love what you wrote, how you and husband have made it work!

I'm divorced, nothing to do with the autism, but sooo agree with how

you and hubby make time, etc., and had to laugh at the part where you

two see it's the " kids driving you nuts " - even typical kids can do

that!

Seems like you, him and even the kids have got it all working together

GREAT! Hooray for you and family!

>

> Please keep in mind we are a little 'quack nuts.....' that being

said, our marriage has improved since our children's official

diagnosis. We have amazing (I MEAN AMAZING) babysitters that help us

out!!! And, no matter what our financial situation is at the moment,

my husband and I go off by ourselves a minimum of 3 hours per week,

[Guest guest]

I definately relate to this one- I have guardianship of my niece and nephew and he is my aspie. I also have a 3 other kids (20 yrs,18 yrs and 15 yrs) so getting these 2 kids was like starting over with a double dose of stress. We just got back together after being seperated for 5 weeks. I even filed. Our biggest problem was not the kids but lack of communication. That is huge. We call each other in the middle of the day or I text him a little note in the middle of the day. It means alot and it may seem teenagerish but it is fun. Take time for yourselves and each other, you deserve it! We were doing nothing together. It was always me with the two little ones and him doing whatever he wanted, but we now do stuff together that the whole family can do together and we are having a great time! Good Luck and God Bless! Lori and/or Robin Lemke <jrisjs@...> wrote: Ruthie. You may have just "adjusted" my life. I felt it was good before......but I think I'm gonna get a sitter for us tonight and we're going out. Bless you. RobinRUTHIE BRYAN DOLEZAL <DOLEZAL123@...> wrote: Please keep in mind we are a little 'quack nuts.....' that being said, our marriage has improved since our children's official diagnosis. We have amazing (I MEAN AMAZING) babysitters that help us out!!! And, no matter what our financial situation is at the moment, my husband and I go off by ourselves a minimum of 3 hours per week, and often, we have a 3-5 hour date night during the week and at least 4-6 hours every other Saturday; and we are BORING!!! We both have to get up about 5:30-6 a.m. M-F, so our dates often start after a therapy session; Thursday's from 5-6, our 13 year old has therapy, so we go together to take him (I have a sub in my daycare that then stays until about 8:30-10 depending on when I schedule them each Thursday night). After therapy, we bring him home, sometimes run a few very quick errands between there and home (pick up

scripts already ordered a day or two or three before), get fuel; deliver HIM home, and by 6:30-7, we are off for dinner, a movie, or like last night, we ran errands (getting things for the kiddos). The every other Saturday, we have A BLAST!!! We live between all kinds of great things in the Iowa City / Cedar Rapids, Iowa area; one weekend, we may go to the Amana Colonies and walk around leisurely all afternoon and eat there; another time, we may go to a couple of movies; sometimes, we actually take our portable DVD player and a couple of movies from home (we always have more bought that we want to see than we have watched yet) and watch them in our van or on a blanket at a park if it is nice outside; we have even taken a book or two and gone to the park and read; gone to a coffee shop and read and talked and even take board games with us; we can be SUPER SUPER CHEAP so all we pay for is the sitter but IT IS BETTER THAN THERAPY FOR US!!!! ......but we just have a blast. OUR MARRIAGE HAS IMPROVED GREATLY. I know some of you will say, "I CANNOT AFFORD THAT." You know what, we are barely making ends meet, but WE CANNOT AFFORD NOT TO!!! Our kids tell us to get going; if we get delayed for any reason, the ASPIES BOYS ARE 'OFF' telling us to do that later; you are supposed to go out; they love it as much as we do! And, not sure if it is our budget or not but our marriage is sooooo strong. Last night, we had dinner at a restaurant we had never been to AND filled out a BASC-2 (parent raing Scales--Adolescent for our 13 year old for the school while we waited for the food---so we do not always 'shut off' the kids from our mind but we were able to be accurate and honest about it all, and give it our undivided attention and return it to the school today!! Also, we have tutoring (two days a week right

now), a mental health waiver through the State for the 13 year old (he comes 1-3 days per week and prefers we are here), therapy bi-weekly for the 6 year old, a child in pre-school, therapy for the 13 year old, Saturday morning Vision Therapy for the 13 year old, and are absolutely always doing something; we have INSISTED on set-scheduled times and appointments, and most of it is very routine for the whole family; my husband is the C,D personality type, and I am the A,B; we have five people that I 'employee' for the daycare (really my own kids!!!!) but only 2 of them work here much; sometimes we admit that it did take FOUR of us to get 2 kids where they needed to be, run the daycare, and perhaps one parent had to be somewhere else, so it takes a lot of effort, time, and good 'management' of a schedule (I HAVE ADHD--medicated!!!)---cannot LIVE without my day planner!!!! I will take night or weekend kids in my daycare to 'get the money' so

I can have my husband and me!!!!!! We just do whatever it takes. All winter, about one night per month, we actually get a local hotel room, and do nothing exciting; we do get a hotel with a hot tub and pool; we have even taken all our own meals with us before; but we just HAVE to make time to get away from kids!!! We relax and love it; often, we will have the sitter bring the kids on the 2nd morning (if we do the whole weekend----) and let them swim, etc. before we check out--and we let her leave from the hotel then! We joined TRIPLE A to save on room rates, we always stay at Best Western and get free rooms after so many stays, etc. We just do whatever we can to make it happen. And, sometimes we say no to things we do not really HAVE to have because without US, there is a problem!!!! Also, we have talked the "d" word when life stinks....we will NEVER do that again; all we have to do is go to a hotel

for a night or weekend; a break without KIDS and we realize that WE are great together / we have a blast and are a perfect match; it is the KIDS driving us NUTS----that keeps us going until the next time!! Sometimes, my husband will 'sneak' money and plan everything!!! And, that is the best (he doesn't even bring me flowers.....so that is just amazing)......YOUR KIDS NEED BOTH OF YOU......just do what you can...... SORRY I WENT ON AND ON---guess I got really excited about it, and realized how lucky I am........ Ruthie GOOD LUCK!!! That works for us, and it is because we choose to do it; we know we have to. ( ) A marriage question How did getting your child the help and therpy they needed affect your marriage? It really seems that the stress can not get any worse than it is now for DH and me. And we are just starting the process, we go on the 17th for the eval, the 18th for the resultes and planning, then the 19th to get everything set up. Marsha in NC Be a

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[Guest guest]

I'm glad you think so LOL----we have our days---went to a fall festival and our 6 year old had a meltdown for most of it; it's moments like that we wish we had a babysitter!! (but, not a chance today 'cuz it is homecoming--no one wanted to work today----drats).....

I was a single parent with my 13 year old for 6 1/2 years; NEVER thought my NOW husband would want to 'get into this...' So, I AM really lucky; and I do daycare, so I know 'normal' kids can drive one nuts, too.....they just don't do it nearly as easily as my Aspies boys!!!! I have a lot of patience MOST of the TIME!!!! Have a great weekend, and still make time for YOU. I ALWAYS did that, even as a single mom; it is a must. Actually, I often took a nightly bath (and had something 'special' about it---like CHEAP baby oil, some bath salts, some CHEAP bubble bath, SOMETHING) and I called it 'my five minutes of sanity.' (often after my son was asleep, but ALWAYS MAKE TIME FOR YOU (and call it whatever you would like....but it did keep me 'sane' when life was often feeling 'insane.'....PS SHUT YOUR BRAIN OFF FROM CHILD ISSUES AND THOUGHTS FOR THE FIVE MINUTES---the five minutes has to be all about YOU / YOURSELF!!!!......). A good mentor gave me this idea when I was living in Kansas and dealing with insanity of the issues with my son's bio-father, etc.; it WAS the best advise I ever got.....probably saved my son AND my life, honestly.

Since my husband rocks, I often get more like an hour to myself each day without kids; in fact, they are at the park right now--SMILE!!!

Ruthie

Re: ( ) A marriage question

Ruthie, I love what you wrote, how you and husband have made it work! I'm divorced, nothing to do with the autism, but sooo agree with how you and hubby make time, etc., and had to laugh at the part where you two see it's the "kids driving you nuts" - even typical kids can do that! Seems like you, him and even the kids have got it all working together GREAT! Hooray for you and family!>> Please keep in mind we are a little 'quack nuts.....' that being said, our marriage has improved since our children's official diagnosis. We have amazing (I MEAN AMAZING) babysitters that help us out!!! And, no matter what our financial situation is at the moment, my husband and I go off by ourselves a minimum of 3 hours per week,

[Guest guest]

Oh, were you writing about us???? LOL-----EXACTLY TRUE THOUGH!!!!! My husband is like this PERIOD: I make the appointment ('cuz it will be MONTHS BEFORE WE GET IN!!!!), and I 'plant a seed.' By the time it grows.....hubby says, "honey, I have been thinking about that 'appointment'/'waiver' / 'plan' you suggested for "KIDDO REFERRING TO", and I really think that would be something we need to do----he really is starting to struggle with "ladeda". I say, great, I will see what I can do (sometimes I tell him I have had something set up for 3 months already; other times, I tell him I will call and get that taken care of).....never fails though, by the time it is our turn, he is full on board!! But, if I waited for him, our children would still be unmedicated, un-appointed, probably even undiagnosed, and where would I BE???? Surely 6 feet under!!!!!!!!

Ruthie

Re: ( ) A marriage question

Hi, MarshaIt does (usually) get better -- those first few months are very tough. You each come to terms with the diagnosis in your own way, which quite often diverges from the others' time frame and style of acceptance. It's typical for guys to be in denial, or take longer to accept it; meanwhile, mom's running herself ragged trying to figure out how to get the baby all the help he/she needs and still sleep. The stats for marriages not making it are unfortunately high -- but I know a lot of people out there who make it, you just have to listen to each other, give each other space as necessary, and get some time together, even if it's late at night when you'd rather be sleeping. It will take time -- it's a lot to absorb, and if one parent is more on board with the diagnosis than the other, you may have a tough time getting the other to understand why you are where you are, if that makes sense.Add in financial concerns, it can get scary...but my advice is to not look too far in the future. Handle each thing as it comes, work together, be patient, listen, even if you don't agree, and don't get caught up in worrying about how your son will be next yer or the year after -- focus on doing all you can do now, and the future will take care of itself.Let us know how it goes!DonnaMarsha s wrote:

How did getting your child the help and therpy they needed affect your marriage? It really seems that the stress can not get any worse than it is now for DH and me. And we are just starting the process, we go on the 17th for the eval, the 18th for the resultes and planning, then the 19th to get everything set up. Marsha in NC