Re: Bully Question?

[Guest guest]

For years, my son took whatever was dished out, afraid to say anything for fear of retribution (I didn't know this until a couple years ago). Now it's more out of peer pressure and that he doesn't want to look like a snitch. But I can honestly say that his fuse is getting more and more short. It's sad that they have to take so much that they learn the hard way that they can defend themselves. It breaks my heart all the stuff he took before it came to light and all the stuff he will have to deal with in the future that is out of our hands.genasu63301 <genasu@...> wrote: So, even though my son says he's dealing with things ok, andsituations seem to be taken care of for now, how long do these AS kidshold it in until someone finally gets it from our kids?

[Guest guest]

What do you mean? Do you mean ...not telling you????

--- genasu63301 <genasu@...> wrote:

> So, even though my son says he's dealing with things

> ok, and

> situations seem to be taken care of for now, how

> long do these AS kids

> hold it in until someone finally gets it from our

> kids?

>

>

Janice Rushen

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[Guest guest]

Depends. I know that's not wuite the answer you wanted to hear, but

it's the truth.

Some Aspies will take off on someone immediately while others hold it

for years. My 11 year old son, without the medication, reacts quickly

rather than responds. In fact, because of his " rudeness, " he's more

often than not construed as the bully.

My way of handling things as a kid was to run away from the bullies. It

was wrong to hit or fight (follow the rule), so what other option did I

have? RUN! Later in life I've learned to negotiate, because the rule is

adults are to be nice ... at least face to face. Umm, not so. Depends

upon who you're negotiating with.

I think the " point of no return " really depends upon the individual -

AS or NT.

Just remember, when your son does finally lash out, he'll be " brought

to justice. " And the other person probably won't: " Gee, Principal, all

I was doing was kidding around. And suddenly, BAM! I just don't know

why. He just went ballistic... over nothing! "

Patience is a virtue... but it does come in limited quantities.

Dave Schweppe

>

> So, even though my son says he's dealing with things ok, and

> situations seem to be taken care of for now, how long do these AS kids

> hold it in until someone finally gets it from our kids?

>

[Guest guest]

that's a hard question to answer. with us, even though my son has a very strong vocabulary, he doesn't verbalize his needs or can describe problems he's having. but, I find out by asking the right questions <which doesn't always work>. like if I notice a bruise on him, I'll ask how he got it. he'll say, I don't know. then I'll ask, what did he do at recess. maybe need prompts with that too. like did he play with anyone, yes, what did you play- tag - did you play rough at times, - no, but Jim tripped me......is that how you got that bruise, don't know, did you fall, yes, how did you land, " he showed me " so, when you fell, you landed on that same side as your bruise, that's how you got it. did Jim trip you on purpose? no, we were running and got to close. Yes, this takes a long time with patients. but, I found out how he got that bruise. but why couldn't

he just say; while at recess, we were playing tag, got too close and I tripped and fell?. would doing something like this work with you?genasu63301 <genasu@...> wrote: So, even though my son says he's dealing with things ok, andsituations seem to be taken care of for now, how long do these AS kidshold it in until someone finally gets it from our kids?

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Rose I've found the same thing. I can tell by just looking at my son if there is something wrong. Somewhere along the line, he's gotten the idea that it's wrong to be a "rat." I've drilled it into his head that he has to tell. It isn't fair that the bullies get away with breaking the rules. I've tried to get him understand by telling, he's helping to protect other kids. All the parenting guides tell how important it is to have good communication with your children. I agree, but it's hard with our AS kids! (Heck... my dh isn't the most communicative, either!) I've done just as you described, Rose. I try to listen closely, observe and ask the right questions. I can usually put the pieces together. It takes a lot of patience.. A LOT!! and a lot of repitition. MimsRose

<beachbodytan2002@...> wrote: that's a hard question to answer. with us, even though my son has a very strong vocabulary, he doesn't verbalize his needs or can describe problems he's having. but, I find out by asking the right questions <which doesn't always work>. like if I notice a bruise on him, I'll ask how he got it. he'll say, I don't know. then I'll ask, what did he do at recess. maybe need prompts with that too. like did he play with anyone, yes, what

did you play- tag - did you play rough at times, - no, but Jim tripped me......is that how you got that bruise, don't know, did you fall, yes, how did you land, " he showed me " so, when you fell, you landed on that same side as your bruise, that's how you got it. did Jim trip you on purpose? no, we were running and got to close. Yes, this takes a long time with patients. but, I found out how he got that bruise. but why couldn't he just say; while at recess, we were playing tag, got too close and I tripped and fell?. would doing something like this work with you?genasu63301 <genasumylittle (DOT) org> wrote: So, even though my son says he's dealing with things ok, andsituations seem to be taken care of for now, how long do these AS kidshold it in until someone finally gets it from our

kids? OMG, Sweet deal for users/friends: Get A Month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost. W00t

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Mims, the difference between your son and mine are. your son can verbalize a situation and tell you about it. but he doesn't because He just feels bad about telling on someone. my son doesn't say anything, I have to pull it out from him...it's not that he's feeling bad, afraid of getting into trouble, or worried about the other child getting into trouble. He has processing delays and he just doesn't know what to say or how to say it at the time most needed. with that all said. the end results are both the same. our kids don't let us know when something bad happened to them or if they need help in a social situation . If you read my post on: should I send him to boyscout without an adult present. I know now I can't. He just isn't ready yet. He will be picked on, dared to do something he shouldn't, get lost, use bad judgment, or get

fixated on just one thing like maybe staying in the lake swimming all day, all week and not see what else is fun out there to do. so, with not being able to verbalize - ask someone what else he can do, or if he needed help with something, He would probably end up not having a good experience with camp. but if someone knew him or understood him, he would do very well at camp with just prompts. He would have the best experience in camp. maybe next year - maybe, he will be a little more ready - depending how much intervention he get in camp this year, to go without adult support. but absolutely not this year. being able to verbalize his needs is holding him back so much. and worse yet, the school doesn't get it. 1). because they don't know what to look for because they aren't trained in autism 2). because my son has a strong vocabulary and can talk your ears

off. (which is misunderstood for him not being able to verbalize his needs) 3). it takes too much time and they have other children more needy than him. (so they don't help him in the areas he needs it most). so, like you, I have to pay close attention to my son and get him that help from outside the school because he is not getting it there at school. Mims, have you have any ideas on what your going to do to improve this with your son? (verbalizing more) I was thinking, this summer, asking my son to phone some kids and take them to the lake. (me supervising) and as soon as my son does something inappropriately - I will call him aside and correct him by asking him what's wrong with what he did and how he can do it differently. Also, if another child did

something to him - I'll call him (my son) aside and ask him how he would handle that situation (and help him solve it). I want to do this to get him thinking how to 'problem solve' because again, the school's not doing it. I wouldn't correct the other child - because I won't always be there to do that. and the other child isn't my problem. but I want to show my son how to be aware and what choices he has to ' fix ' it. if it can't be fixed, maybe he needs to start over and find a new friend. I would also like to hear your ideas on this. thanks Rose Mims Batts <mimsnj@...> wrote: Rose I've found the same thing. I can tell by just looking at my son if there is something wrong. Somewhere along the line, he's gotten the idea that it's wrong to be a "rat." I've drilled it into his head that he has to tell. It isn't fair that the bullies get away with breaking the rules. I've tried to get him understand by telling, he's helping to protect other kids. All the parenting guides tell how important it is to have good communication with your children. I agree, but it's hard with our AS kids! (Heck... my dh isn't the most communicative, either!) I've done just as you described, Rose. I try to listen closely, observe and ask the right questions. I can usually put the pieces together. It takes a lot of

patience.. A LOT!! and a lot of repitition. MimsRose <beachbodytan2002 > wrote: that's a hard question to answer. with us, even though my son has a very strong vocabulary, he doesn't verbalize his needs or can describe problems he's having. but, I find out by asking the right questions <which doesn't always work>. like if I notice a bruise on him, I'll ask how he got it. he'll say, I don't know. then I'll ask, what did he do at recess. maybe need prompts with that too. like did he play with anyone, yes, what did you play- tag - did you play rough at times, - no, but Jim tripped me......is that how you got that bruise, don't know, did you fall, yes, how did you land, " he showed me " so, when you fell, you landed on that

same side as your bruise, that's how you got it. did Jim trip you on purpose? no, we were running and got to close. Yes, this takes a long time with patients. but, I found out how he got that bruise. but why couldn't he just say; while at recess, we were playing tag, got too close and I tripped and fell?. would doing something like this work with you?genasu63301 <genasumylittle (DOT) org> wrote: So, even though my son says he's dealing with things ok, andsituations seem to be taken care of for now, how long do these AS kidshold it in until someone finally gets it from our kids? OMG, Sweet deal for users/friends: Get A Month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost. W00t Never miss a thing. Make your homepage.

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Rose I didn't chirp in on your boy scout question because I was interested in seeing what others thought. Sometimes, I think I am too protective, and that's not always a good thing, either. It's so hard to know when to let go with kids, it's even harder with our AS kids! My first reaction to your BS question was that I would not send him alone, but would send him if he had adult supervision of someone who knew him well. I think you have great ideas about things to do with him and his friends over the summer. That's essentially what I've tried to do with my son. While driving in the car, I'd casually try to bring up different scenarios and role play with him. Or, we'd role play ahead of a certain event to help him prepare. (such thinks as preparing for the beginning of a new school year, attending an after school club, going to someone's house for a mtg.)

I'd also try to be the Mom who had the kids meet at our house. That way I could keep an ear on things and run interference. I like your idea of taking the kids to the lake. You could talk about it ahead of time with your son and then be there to keep your eye on things. I'm sure I don't even have to mention it, but be discreet if you pull him aside to give him some direction. Trips like this are great because you can also have some say in who gets invited to go along. By being with the kids, you get to know what they're really like and you get an idea who to direct your son away from or who to encourage him to associate with. Another thought I had was to be careful how long the outting would be. Sometimes short outtings are better. It gives less time for the kids to get tired and to get on each others nerves. I know if my son gets tired or overwhelmed by noise/chaos, it

can lead to a meltdown. Then again, for my son, sometimes just the excitement of planning such an outting would get him all worked up even beforehand. sigh.... (You know, the more I think about life with my son and the more I read on this list, the more I realize how we walk thru life on eggshells!) So, if I were planning an outting to the lake, I would talk about it first with ds and role play the plan for the day, have him invite a couple kids that I felt were a good match for ds, pack good food to keep them all happy, and not let it run so long that they got too tired. That way they'd end the day on a happy note. MimsRose <beachbodytan2002@...> wrote: Mims, the difference between your son and mine are. your son can verbalize a situation and tell you about it. but he doesn't because He just feels bad about telling on someone. my son doesn't say anything, I have to pull it out from him...it's not that he's feeling bad, afraid of getting into trouble, or worried about the other child getting into trouble. He has processing delays and he just doesn't know what to say or how to say it at the time most needed. with that all said. the end results are both the same. our kids don't let us know when something bad happened to them or if they need help in a social situation . If you read my

post on: should I send him to boyscout without an adult present. I know now I can't. He just isn't ready yet. He will be picked on, dared to do something he shouldn't, get lost, use bad judgment, or get fixated on just one thing like maybe staying in the lake swimming all day, all week and not see what else is fun out there to do. so, with not being able to verbalize - ask someone what else he can do, or if he needed help with something, He would probably end up not having a good experience with camp. but if someone knew him or understood him, he would do very well at camp with just prompts. He would have the best experience in camp. maybe next year - maybe, he will be a little more ready - depending how much intervention he get in camp this year, to go without adult support. but absolutely not this year. being able to verbalize his needs is holding him back so much. and

worse yet, the school doesn't get it. 1). because they don't know what to look for because they aren't trained in autism 2). because my son has a strong vocabulary and can talk your ears off. (which is misunderstood for him not being able to verbalize his needs) 3). it takes too much time and they have other children more needy than him. (so they don't help him in the areas he needs it most). so, like you, I have to pay close attention to my son and get him that help from outside the school because he is not getting it there at school. Mims, have you have any ideas on what your going to do to improve this with your son? (verbalizing more) I was thinking, this summer, asking my son to phone some kids and take them to the lake. (me supervising) and as soon as my son does something inappropriately - I will call him aside and correct him by asking him what's wrong with what he did and how he can do it differently. Also, if another child did something to him - I'll call him (my son) aside and ask him how he would handle that situation (and help him solve it). I want to do this to get him thinking how to 'problem solve' because again, the school's not doing it. I wouldn't correct the other child - because I won't always be there to do that. and the other child isn't my problem. but I want to show my son how to be aware and what choices he has to ' fix ' it. if it can't be fixed, maybe he needs to start over and find a new friend. I would also like to hear your ideas on this. thanks Rose Mims Batts <mimsnj > wrote: Rose I've found the same thing. I can tell by just looking at my son if there is something wrong. Somewhere along the line, he's gotten the idea that it's wrong to be a "rat." I've drilled it into his head that he has to tell. It isn't fair that the bullies get away with breaking the rules. I've tried to get him understand by telling, he's helping to protect other kids. All the parenting guides tell how important it is to have good communication with your children. I agree, but it's hard with our AS kids! (Heck... my dh isn't the most communicative, either!) I've done just as you described, Rose. I try to listen closely, observe and ask the right questions. I can usually put the pieces together. It takes a lot of patience.. A LOT!! and a lot of repitition. MimsRose <beachbodytan2002 > wrote: that's a hard question to answer. with us, even though my son has a very strong vocabulary, he doesn't verbalize his needs or can describe problems he's having. but, I find out by asking the right questions <which doesn't always work>. like if I notice a bruise on him, I'll ask how he got it. he'll say, I don't know. then I'll ask, what did he do at recess. maybe need prompts with that too. like did he play with anyone, yes, what did you play- tag - did you play rough at times, - no, but Jim tripped me......is that how you got that bruise, don't know, did you fall, yes, how did you land, " he showed me " so, when you fell, you landed on that same side as your bruise, that's how you got it. did Jim trip you on

purpose? no, we were running and got to close. Yes, this takes a long time with patients. but, I found out how he got that bruise. but why couldn't he just say; while at recess, we were playing tag, got too close and I tripped and fell?. would doing something like this work with you?genasu63301 <genasumylittle (DOT) org> wrote: So, even though my son says he's dealing with things ok, andsituations seem to be taken care of for now, how long do these AS kidshold it in until someone finally gets it from our kids? OMG, Sweet deal for users/friends: Get A Month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost. W00t Never miss a thing. Make your homepage. Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.

Special deal for users friends - No Cost. Get a month of Blockbuster Total Access now

[Guest guest]

Mims, I agree with all you said. I also go over everything in the car as well. *smile*. I just did that on the way home from the store just now. I didn't think of making the outings short. Great idea !. (less time to get into problems). isn't that a shame that we moms have to keep tract of our children's friends. you know, I have to do that same thing with my NT daughter. She talks about a friend that she just made that is too advanced for her age. (I think she had many boyfriends)?. She is 9. or she talks like she does...sad...yet another one explained to my daughter how she planned to meet with a boy but was going to tell her mom she is going over a girlfriends home and wanted to invite my daughter to trick her mom. 'she is also 9 years old ). hummmm. would my son (AS) get all this? not this year. would he be able to explain all this to me? not this year,

because he won't see anything wrong with it and just go along with anything they say to have a fun day. that's why I don't let him go anywhere unless I know the parents and the child first. and, I didn't think I had to watch my daughter as much because she is (NT) and alert to everything. but, she is still a child and there are lots of temptations out there. You said you think you are ' too protective ' today, I rather be too protective than sorry...My son will go to boy scouts with an adult with him. that is the only way he can go. I am aware of - at my sons age, to be discreet when speaking to him. thanks for sharing that. because sometimes I just feel like yelling at him. but I do stop myself to remind myself that he can't help some things. I just wish we can get passed this stage. everything takes so long for my son to learn. and so many baby steps to learn them. and so much

repetition and consistency - all day long. Then we start all over the next day, and the next.... RoseMims Batts <mimsnj@...> wrote: Rose I didn't chirp in on your boy scout question because I was interested in seeing what others thought. Sometimes, I think I am too protective, and that's not always a good thing, either. It's so hard to know when to let go with kids, it's even harder with our AS kids! My first reaction to your BS question was that I would not send him

alone, but would send him if he had adult supervision of someone who knew him well. I think you have great ideas about things to do with him and his friends over the summer. That's essentially what I've tried to do with my son. While driving in the car, I'd casually try to bring up different scenarios and role play with him. Or, we'd role play ahead of a certain event to help him prepare. (such thinks as preparing for the beginning of a new school year, attending an after school club, going to someone's house for a mtg.) I'd also try to be the Mom who had the kids meet at our house. That way I could keep an ear on things and run interference. I like your idea of taking the kids to the lake. You could talk about it ahead of time with your son and then be there to keep your eye on things. I'm sure I don't even have to mention it, but be discreet if you pull him aside

to give him some direction. Trips like this are great because you can also have some say in who gets invited to go along. By being with the kids, you get to know what they're really like and you get an idea who to direct your son away from or who to encourage him to associate with. Another thought I had was to be careful how long the outting would be. Sometimes short outtings are better. It gives less time for the kids to get tired and to get on each others nerves. I know if my son gets tired or overwhelmed by noise/chaos, it can lead to a meltdown. Then again, for my son, sometimes just the excitement of planning such an outting would get him all worked up even beforehand. sigh.... (You know, the more I think about life with my son and the more I read on this list, the more I realize how we walk thru life on eggshells!) So, if I were planning an

outting to the lake, I would talk about it first with ds and role play the plan for the day, have him invite a couple kids that I felt were a good match for ds, pack good food to keep them all happy, and not let it run so long that they got too tired. That way they'd end the day on a happy note. MimsRose <beachbodytan2002 > wrote: Mims, the difference between your son and mine are. your son can verbalize a situation and tell you about it. but he doesn't because He just feels bad about telling on someone. my son doesn't say anything, I have to pull it out from him...it's not that he's feeling bad, afraid of getting into trouble, or worried about the other child getting into trouble. He has processing delays and he just doesn't know what

to say or how to say it at the time most needed. with that all said. the end results are both the same. our kids don't let us know when something bad happened to them or if they need help in a social situation . If you read my post on: should I send him to boyscout without an adult present. I know now I can't. He just isn't ready yet. He will be picked on, dared to do something he shouldn't, get lost, use bad judgment, or get fixated on just one thing like maybe staying in the lake swimming all day, all week and not see what else is fun out there to do. so, with not being able to verbalize - ask someone what else he can do, or if he needed help with something, He would probably end up not having a good experience with camp. but if someone knew him or understood him, he would do very well at camp with just prompts. He would have the best experience in

camp. maybe next year - maybe, he will be a little more ready - depending how much intervention he get in camp this year, to go without adult support. but absolutely not this year. being able to verbalize his needs is holding him back so much. and worse yet, the school doesn't get it. 1). because they don't know what to look for because they aren't trained in autism 2). because my son has a strong vocabulary and can talk your ears off. (which is misunderstood for him not being able to verbalize his needs) 3). it takes too much time and they have other children more needy than him. (so they don't help him in the areas he needs it most). so, like you, I have to pay close attention to my son and get him that help from

outside the school because he is not getting it there at school. Mims, have you have any ideas on what your going to do to improve this with your son? (verbalizing more) I was thinking, this summer, asking my son to phone some kids and take them to the lake. (me supervising) and as soon as my son does something inappropriately - I will call him aside and correct him by asking him what's wrong with what he did and how he can do it differently. Also, if another child did something to him - I'll call him (my son) aside and ask him how he would handle that situation (and help him solve it). I want to do this to get him thinking how to 'problem solve' because again, the school's not doing it. I wouldn't correct the other child - because I won't always be there to do that. and the other child isn't my problem. but I want to show my son how to be aware and what choices he has to ' fix ' it. if it can't be fixed,

maybe he needs to start over and find a new friend. I would also like to hear your ideas on this. thanks Rose Mims Batts <mimsnj > wrote: Rose I've found the same thing. I can tell by just looking at my son if there is something wrong. Somewhere along the line, he's gotten the idea that it's wrong to be a "rat." I've drilled it into his head that he has to tell. It isn't fair that the bullies get away with breaking the rules. I've tried to get him understand by telling, he's helping to protect other kids. All the parenting guides tell how important it is to have good communication with your children. I agree, but it's hard with our AS kids! (Heck... my dh isn't the most communicative,

either!) I've done just as you described, Rose. I try to listen closely, observe and ask the right questions. I can usually put the pieces together. It takes a lot of patience.. A LOT!! and a lot of repitition. MimsRose <beachbodytan2002 > wrote: that's a hard question to answer. with us, even though my son has a very strong vocabulary, he doesn't verbalize his needs or can describe problems he's having. but, I find out by asking the right questions <which doesn't always work>. like if I notice a bruise on him, I'll ask how he got it. he'll say, I don't know. then I'll ask, what did he do at recess. maybe need prompts with that too. like did he play with anyone, yes, what did you play- tag -

did you play rough at times, - no, but Jim tripped me......is that how you got that bruise, don't know, did you fall, yes, how did you land, " he showed me " so, when you fell, you landed on that same side as your bruise, that's how you got it. did Jim trip you on purpose? no, we were running and got to close. Yes, this takes a long time with patients. but, I found out how he got that bruise. but why couldn't he just say; while at recess, we were playing tag, got too close and I tripped and fell?. would doing something like this work with you?genasu63301 <genasumylittle (DOT) org> wrote: So, even though my son says he's dealing with things ok, andsituations seem to be taken care of for now, how long do these AS kidshold it in until someone finally gets it from our

kids? OMG, Sweet deal for users/friends: Get A Month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost. W00t Never miss a thing. Make your homepage. Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now. Special deal for users friends - No Cost. Get a month of Blockbuster Total Access now

Never miss a thing. Make your homepage.

[Guest guest]

Rose A lot goes on in the car, doesn't it? I'm like you. Just as protective with my other son. He's 10, NT. I just had the girlfriend talk with him last week. Evidently, there are a group of girls in his class that are very much into the boyfriend thing. It's even gone as far as the parent setting up group dates, with a definite pairing of boy-girl. It's just way too young for that kind of talk, IMHO! The story you told does seem pretty devious. Do you think she learned from on older sibling or perhaps from TV. I think I'm generally just Old School when it comes to parenting. I think kids in general are exposed to way too much beyond their years. I remember asking a counselor before if I sheltered my oldest (AS) son too much. She told me no, that the other kids knew too much and carried too much on their shoulders. She felt many of the more "worldly"

kids had home situations that left them more "experienced." Sometimes I wonder if I'm being too protective with my younger son, that perhaps he doesn't need me to hover as closely as my oldest son needed.... but as you've probably guessed, I'm not letting go any easier with him either! I hope you didn't take any offense when I mentioned about speaking discreetly to your son. I felt you probably knew that, but it was just something that jumped out at me with my ds. Kids take in more than you think. I never wanted the other kids to think my son needed his Mommy's input. KWIM? I completely understand what you mean about wanting to yell. There have been plenty of times that I have yelled, especially as he got older and before we knew it was AS. That's probably the one thing that I regret the most about his late diagnosis. Perhaps I would have been more patient and yelled less

if I understood that he really didn't get it. My Mom doesn't really get the AS, either. She's older and can't handle much anymore in the area of family problems. There are times that I do tell her if we're having an issue. She always says' Why don't you just sit down with him and explain such-and-so to him??" THAT's when I really want to scream! If she only knew the hundreds of times I've gone over and over and over and over and over..... MimsRose <beachbodytan2002@...> wrote: Mims, I agree with all you said. I also go over everything in the car as well. *smile*. I just did that on the way home from the store just now. I didn't think of making the outings short. Great idea !. (less time to get into problems). isn't that a shame that we moms have to keep tract of our children's friends. you know, I have to do that same thing with my NT daughter. She talks about a friend that she just made that is too advanced for her age. (I think she had many boyfriends)?. She is 9. or she talks like she does...sad...yet another one explained to my daughter how she planned to meet with a boy but was going to tell her mom she is going over a girlfriends home and wanted to invite my daughter to trick her mom. 'she is also 9 years old ). hummmm. would my son (AS) get all this? not this

year. would he be able to explain all this to me? not this year, because he won't see anything wrong with it and just go along with anything they say to have a fun day. that's why I don't let him go anywhere unless I know the parents and the child first. and, I didn't think I had to watch my daughter as much because she is (NT) and alert to everything. but, she is still a child and there are lots of temptations out there. You said you think you are ' too protective ' today, I rather be too protective than sorry...My son will go to boy scouts with an adult with him. that is the only way he can go. I am aware of - at my sons age, to be discreet when speaking to him. thanks for sharing that. because sometimes I just feel like yelling at him. but I do stop myself to remind myself that he can't help some things. I just wish we can get passed this stage. everything takes so long for my

son to learn. and so many baby steps to learn them. and so much repetition and consistency - all day long. Then we start all over the next day, and the next.... RoseMims Batts <mimsnj > wrote: Rose I didn't chirp in on your boy scout question because I was interested in seeing what others thought. Sometimes, I think I am too protective, and that's not always a good thing, either. It's so hard to know when to let go with kids, it's even harder with our AS kids! My first reaction to your BS question was that I would not send him alone, but would send him if he had adult supervision of someone who knew him well. I think you have great ideas about things to do with him and his friends over the summer. That's essentially what

I've tried to do with my son. While driving in the car, I'd casually try to bring up different scenarios and role play with him. Or, we'd role play ahead of a certain event to help him prepare. (such thinks as preparing for the beginning of a new school year, attending an after school club, going to someone's house for a mtg.) I'd also try to be the Mom who had the kids meet at our house. That way I could keep an ear on things and run interference. I like your idea of taking the kids to the lake. You could talk about it ahead of time with your son and then be there to keep your eye on things. I'm sure I don't even have to mention it, but be discreet if you pull him aside to give him some direction. Trips like this are great because you can also have some say in who gets invited to go along. By being with the kids, you get to know what they're really like and you get an idea who to direct

your son away from or who to encourage him to associate with. Another thought I had was to be careful how long the outting would be. Sometimes short outtings are better. It gives less time for the kids to get tired and to get on each others nerves. I know if my son gets tired or overwhelmed by noise/chaos, it can lead to a meltdown. Then again, for my son, sometimes just the excitement of planning such an outting would get him all worked up even beforehand. sigh.... (You know, the more I think about life with my son and the more I read on this list, the more I realize how we walk thru life on eggshells!) So, if I were planning an outting to the lake, I would talk about it first with ds and role play the plan for the day, have him invite a couple kids that I felt were a good match for ds, pack good food to keep them all happy, and not let it run so long that they

got too tired. That way they'd end the day on a happy note. MimsRose <beachbodytan2002 > wrote: Mims, the difference between your son and mine are. your son can verbalize a situation and tell you about it. but he doesn't because He just feels bad about telling on someone. my son doesn't say anything, I have to pull it out from him...it's not that he's feeling bad, afraid of getting into trouble, or worried about the other child getting into trouble. He has processing delays and he just doesn't know what to say or how to say it at the time most needed. with that all said. the end results are both the same. our kids don't let us know when something bad happened to them or if they need help in a social

situation . If you read my post on: should I send him to boyscout without an adult present. I know now I can't. He just isn't ready yet. He will be picked on, dared to do something he shouldn't, get lost, use bad judgment, or get fixated on just one thing like maybe staying in the lake swimming all day, all week and not see what else is fun out there to do. so, with not being able to verbalize - ask someone what else he can do, or if he needed help with something, He would probably end up not having a good experience with camp. but if someone knew him or understood him, he would do very well at camp with just prompts. He would have the best experience in camp. maybe next year - maybe, he will be a little more ready - depending how much intervention he get in camp this year, to go without adult support. but absolutely not this year. being able to verbalize his

needs is holding him back so much. and worse yet, the school doesn't get it. 1). because they don't know what to look for because they aren't trained in autism 2). because my son has a strong vocabulary and can talk your ears off. (which is misunderstood for him not being able to verbalize his needs) 3). it takes too much time and they have other children more needy than him. (so they don't help him in the areas he needs it most). so, like you, I have to pay close attention to my son and get him that help from outside the school because he is not getting it there at school. Mims, have you have any ideas on what your going to do to improve this with your son? (verbalizing more) I was thinking, this summer, asking my son to phone

some kids and take them to the lake. (me supervising) and as soon as my son does something inappropriately - I will call him aside and correct him by asking him what's wrong with what he did and how he can do it differently. Also, if another child did something to him - I'll call him (my son) aside and ask him how he would handle that situation (and help him solve it). I want to do this to get him thinking how to 'problem solve' because again, the school's not doing it. I wouldn't correct the other child - because I won't always be there to do that. and the other child isn't my problem. but I want to show my son how to be aware and what choices he has to ' fix ' it. if it can't be fixed, maybe he needs to start over and find a new friend. I would also like to hear your ideas on this. thanks Rose Mims Batts <mimsnj > wrote: Rose I've found the same thing. I can tell by just looking at my son if there is something wrong. Somewhere along the line, he's gotten the idea that it's wrong to be a "rat." I've drilled it into his head that he has to tell. It isn't fair that the bullies get away with breaking the rules. I've tried to get him understand by telling, he's helping to protect other kids. All the parenting guides tell how important it is to have good communication with your children. I agree, but it's hard with our AS kids! (Heck... my dh isn't the most communicative, either!) I've done just as you described, Rose. I try to listen closely, observe and ask the right questions. I can usually put the pieces together. It takes a lot of patience.. A LOT!! and a lot of

repitition. MimsRose <beachbodytan2002 > wrote: that's a hard question to answer. with us, even though my son has a very strong vocabulary, he doesn't verbalize his needs or can describe problems he's having. but, I find out by asking the right questions <which doesn't always work>. like if I notice a bruise on him, I'll ask how he got it. he'll say, I don't know. then I'll ask, what did he do at recess. maybe need prompts with that too. like did he play with anyone, yes, what did you play- tag - did you play rough at times, - no, but Jim tripped me......is that how you got that bruise, don't know, did you fall, yes, how did you land, " he showed me " so, when you fell, you landed on that same side as your bruise, that's how

you got it. did Jim trip you on purpose? no, we were running and got to close. Yes, this takes a long time with patients. but, I found out how he got that bruise. but why couldn't he just say; while at recess, we were playing tag, got too close and I tripped and fell?. would doing something like this work with you?genasu63301 <genasumylittle (DOT) org> wrote: So, even though my son says he's dealing with things ok, andsituations seem to be taken care of for now, how long do these AS kidshold it in until someone finally gets it from our kids? OMG, Sweet deal for users/friends: Get A Month of Blockbuster Total

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