Re: Single Parenting/Asperger's/Coming Home from Dad's

[Guest guest]

I'm a single parent too. It's hard! I'm extremely lucky to have my parents close by though and they both adore my son (12, Aspergers) and understand his needs. They've supported my quest to figure out the best ways to reach Dylan and to improve his problematic behaviors, even joining in (and paying for!) some of the parenting training with me.

That said, I still feel the full responsibility of being his mom at the end of the day. His dad isn't very involved. It's been off/on since Dylan was a baby. He does accept the Aspergers diagnosis though (that wasn't always the case though - at one point he thought I just needed to be a better mom) and I think he does his best to support him during visits. I've had the same conversation about drop offs on Sundays though in the past, especially when Dylan was younger. His dad would typically work with me. When he was feeling uncooperative (not often but on occasion), I'd just recommend moving the pick up time back however long I was asking for him to drop him off earlier. So if I was asking for 5pm on Sunday, pick up time would be 5pm on Friday (instead of 6pm for both.) I'd also stay as flexible as possible about any other arrangements so he might do the same for me when I requested

it (like offering to drive to his house to pick him up earlier instead of meeting half-way.)

It's a challenge when they don't agree something is going on, especially when they don't have to deal with the school issues or social issues outside of school too often. Eventually my son's dad figured out it wasn't my "ineffective parenting" but a true neurological issue. With that said, is your son's dad involved with school stuff? If not, I'd consider at least making copies of reports/evaluations/report cards and giving those to him so he can see it's just not your personal opinion.

If you ever want to talk more, feel free to email me off line. I know it's so hard being a single mama having to go through this stuff. It can get better though. Hang in there!

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: doodlebugboodles <doodlebugboodles@...> Sent: Monday, April 6, 2009 7:51:02 PMSubject: ( ) Single Parenting/Asperger's/Coming Home from Dad's

I'm a single mom and have been since the kid was pretty little. Most of the time it's OK and it has been better since we got the dx, but there are some problems. First there is that loneliness that someone else has talked about. I'm in this alone. I'm his only advocate. His dad doesn't even believe this is real and hasn't ever been a parent. He's pretty much a Disneyland Dad.The biggest problem seems to be coming home from dad's house. I am insisting that he come home earlier so he has more time to decompress on Sunday evenings. He's making it through homeschooling with my sis on Mondays, but Monday evenings are a disaster. If he has to do anything (chores helping with stuff) he begins to melt down.I'm at a loss here. Any ideas?Any other words of wisdom that is specific to single parenting and Asperger's?

[Guest guest]

Thank you,

I'm really blessed when it comes to schooling. I homeschooled him until my

third semester back to college and then my sister took over. She is wonderful

with him and it has worked out better than I ever could have imagined. So there

really aren't your typical reports home. In addition when it comes to our

parenting plan I make 100% of the schooling decisions.

Last week we (DS, X and I) had a family counseling meeting with the therapist

which was the first time the X attended. She started out by trying to explain

things to him and had pulled out the test results to go over with him when he

started talking about how normal DS and that he is just a boys are just like

that. Problem 1- X spends nearly no time around kids, problem 2- X spends very

little time with his own child and precious little of that is actually

interacting with him, problem 3- X was raised in literally a backwoods part of

the world and homeschooled almost his entire school career so he had no

experience there either.

I thought it was kind of funny because the therapist just quietly put all of the

papers away and never referred back to them and didn't offer to make a copy of

them for him (like they did for me).

It's just that decompression time that's killing me.

becky

>

> I'm a single parent too.  It's hard!  I'm extremely lucky to have my parents

close by though and they both adore my son (12, Aspergers) and understand his

needs.  They've supported my quest to figure out the best ways to reach Dylan

and to improve his problematic behaviors, even joining in (and paying for!) some

of the parenting training with me.

>

> That said, I still feel the full responsibility of being his mom at the end of

the day.  His dad isn't very involved.  It's been off/on since Dylan was a

baby.  He does accept the Aspergers diagnosis though (that wasn't always the

case though - at one point he thought I just needed to be a better mom) and I

think he does his best to support him during visits.  I've had the same

conversation about drop offs on Sundays though in the past, especially when

Dylan was younger.  His dad would typically work with me.  When he was feeling

uncooperative (not often but on occasion), I'd just recommend moving the pick up

time back however long I was asking for him to drop him off earlier.  So if I

was asking for 5pm on Sunday, pick up time would be 5pm on Friday (instead of

6pm for both.)  I'd also stay as flexible as possible about any other

arrangements so he might do the same for me when I requested it (like offering

to drive to his house to pick him

> up earlier instead of meeting half-way.) 

>

> It's a challenge when they don't agree something is going on, especially when

they don't have to deal with the school issues or social issues outside of

school too often.  Eventually my son's dad figured out it wasn't my  " ineffective

parenting " but a true neurological issue.  With that said, is your son's dad

involved with school stuff?  If not, I'd consider at least making copies of

reports/evaluations/report cards and giving those to him so he can see it's just

not your personal opinion.

>  

> If you ever want to talk more, feel free to email me off line. I know it's so

hard being a single mama having to go through this stuff.  It can get better

though.  Hang in there!

>

>

>

> " Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one

out. "

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: doodlebugboodles <doodlebugboodles@...>

>

> Sent: Monday, April 6, 2009 7:51:02 PM

> Subject: ( ) Single Parenting/Asperger's/Coming Home from Dad's

>

>

> I'm a single mom and have been since the kid was pretty little. Most of the

time it's OK and it has been better since we got the dx, but there are some

problems.

>

> First there is that loneliness that someone else has talked about. I'm in this

alone. I'm his only advocate. His dad doesn't even believe this is real and

hasn't ever been a parent. He's pretty much a Disneyland Dad.

>

> The biggest problem seems to be coming home from dad's house. I am insisting

that he come home earlier so he has more time to decompress on Sunday evenings.

He's making it through homeschooling with my sis on Mondays, but Monday evenings

are a disaster. If he has to do anything (chores helping with stuff) he begins

to melt down.

>

> I'm at a loss here. Any ideas?

>

> Any other words of wisdom that is specific to single parenting and Asperger's?

>

[Guest guest]

hi i am a single mom as well of an AS my son is 11 years old.it is really hard at times.he is also diagnoised with adhd.he takes concerta and risperdal.i do not really have anyone around here where i live.that i know.i live in a pretty small town and i moved here about a year and a half ago.if anyone wants to,feel free to email me as well.take care.

Christie~Troy and http://cover-2-cover.books.officelive.com

From: smacalli@...Date: Mon, 6 Apr 2009 19:20:43 -0700Subject: Re: ( ) Single Parenting/Asperger's/Coming Home from Dad's

I'm a single parent too. It's hard! I'm extremely lucky to have my parents close by though and they both adore my son (12, Aspergers) and understand his needs. They've supported my quest to figure out the best ways to reach Dylan and to improve his problematic behaviors, even joining in (and paying for!) some of the parenting training with me.

That said, I still feel the full responsibility of being his mom at the end of the day. His dad isn't very involved. It's been off/on since Dylan was a baby. He does accept the Aspergers diagnosis though (that wasn't always the case though - at one point he thought I just needed to be a better mom) and I think he does his best to support him during visits. I've had the same conversation about drop offs on Sundays though in the past, especially when Dylan was younger. His dad would typically work with me. When he was feeling uncooperative (not often but on occasion), I'd just recommend moving the pick up time back however long I was asking for him to drop him off earlier. So if I was asking for 5pm on Sunday, pick up time would be 5pm on Friday (instead of 6pm for both.) I'd also stay as flexible as possible about any other arrangements so he might do the same for me when I requested it (like offering to drive to his house to pick him up earlier instead of meeting half-way.)

It's a challenge when they don't agree something is going on, especially when they don't have to deal with the school issues or social issues outside of school too often. Eventually my son's dad figured out it wasn't my "ineffective parenting" but a true neurological issue. With that said, is your son's dad involved with school stuff? If not, I'd consider at least making copies of reports/evaluations/report cards and giving those to him so he can see it's just not your personal opinion.

If you ever want to talk more, feel free to email me off line. I know it's so hard being a single mama having to go through this stuff. It can get better though. Hang in there!

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: doodlebugboodles <doodlebugboodles > Sent: Monday, April 6, 2009 7:51:02 PMSubject: ( ) Single Parenting/Asperger's/Coming Home from Dad's

I'm a single mom and have been since the kid was pretty little. Most of the time it's OK and it has been better since we got the dx, but there are some problems. First there is that loneliness that someone else has talked about. I'm in this alone. I'm his only advocate. His dad doesn't even believe this is real and hasn't ever been a parent. He's pretty much a Disneyland Dad.The biggest problem seems to be coming home from dad's house. I am insisting that he come home earlier so he has more time to decompress on Sunday evenings. He's making it through homeschooling with my sis on Mondays, but Monday evenings are a disaster. If he has to do anything (chores helping with stuff) he begins to melt down.I'm at a loss here. Any ideas?Any other words of wisdom that is specific to single parenting and Asperger's?

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[Guest guest]

>

> The biggest problem seems to be coming home from dad's house. I am insisting

that he come home earlier so he has more time to decompress on Sunday evenings.

He's making it through homeschooling with my sis on Mondays, but Monday evenings

are a disaster. If he has to do anything (chores helping with stuff) he begins

to melt down.

>

> I'm at a loss here. Any ideas?

How exactly is Dad parenting? What are his disciplinary techniques? What does

he do in awkward social situations? Where is he getting his information on your

son's disabilities? How does he react to it? It's hard to answer vaque

comments like " He's a disneyland dad; what do I do? " so maybe a little more

detail? For me, Monday evenings would be a no-brainer--no chores. Let him

recoup; he obviously needs the time. This isn't spoiling.

I'm not a single mom, but my husband is disabled, so I know what it is like to

have to do most of it alone. And as far as that goes, many of us on the list

have husbands who don't understand Asperger and don't want to understand

Asperger the way we do, so we are alone also in that sense too. Not to mitigate

your single-parentness, but just to let you know that you may not be as alone in

your aloneness as it seems at first glance. One thing I can say--take advantage

of your son's time away. Recoup yourself and make use of the time to think

through his home program and school program. Appreciate this part of being a

single parent perhaps. Those of us who have our kids 24-7 don't get this time.

One thing I have come to accept is that my husband has the right to parent his

kids in a way that makes sense to him. They are his kids as much as my kids.

And I have come to see that there is nothing wrong in different parents using

different parenting strategies (contrary to what a lot of the parenting books

say). You have to do what feels right to you and do what you know is effective

for you. If you and your ex are as different as I and my husband are, there is

no way you are ever going to parent alike.

And, surprisingly, I'm finding that that is okay. My husband still doesn't get

that and wishes I'd be more like him, but there is nothing I can do about that

and I don't sweat it.

Everyone is an individual, and kids can learn to react to parents as individuals

just like they do everyone else in the world. So, let your son chill on Monday

nights and do his adjustments from dad to mom. As he gets older, this will get

easier for him. Instead of fighting it, help him with said adjustments. Teach

him that dad does things one way and you do them another and both are okay!

Ruth

[Guest guest]

If he's not open/won't listen, I'd drop the subject for now and then maybe try again in the future. If all he knows is the time he spends with your son and he doesn't even interact much with him then, not surprising he thinks he's "just being a boy."

For Monday nights, why don't you just have one chore for him to do? And maybe make it a chore that's easy/he doesn't mind too much. That way he knows he still has to get back into the routine but makes it a little less stressful. Maybe he can even choose the chore? My son wouldn't like choosing (too much to think about and could help make the situation worse, in a weird way) but I know our kids are all different here. Once that is established and things start getting better, maybe you can slowly add another chore until he's back to the normal routine?

My son would be extra excitable/grumpy when he got back from his dad's house too. I always knew to do everything I could to get him to sleep as fast as possible and to turn a small deaf ear/blind eye to what he was doing/saying. As he got older, I'd tell him "I know it's hard for you to adjust back to your routine here at our house after you've been at your dad's so I'm going to let that slide right now but tomorrow we're back to normal, okay?" That way we both acknowledged why he was acting differently so he wouldn't feel bad about his behavior and I wouldn't get so frustrated. Seemed to help.

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: doodlebugboodles <doodlebugboodles@...> Sent: Monday, April 6, 2009 9:46:23 PMSubject: Re: ( ) Single Parenting/Asperger's/Coming Home from Dad's

Thank you,I'm really blessed when it comes to schooling. I homeschooled him until my third semester back to college and then my sister took over. She is wonderful with him and it has worked out better than I ever could have imagined. So there really aren't your typical reports home. In addition when it comes to our parenting plan I make 100% of the schooling decisions. Last week we (DS, X and I) had a family counseling meeting with the therapist which was the first time the X attended. She started out by trying to explain things to him and had pulled out the test results to go over with him when he started talking about how normal DS and that he is just a boys are just like that. Problem 1- X spends nearly no time around kids, problem 2- X spends very little time with his own child and precious little of that is actually interacting with him, problem 3- X was raised in literally a backwoods part of the world and homeschooled almost

his entire school career so he had no experience there either.I thought it was kind of funny because the therapist just quietly put all of the papers away and never referred back to them and didn't offer to make a copy of them for him (like they did for me).It's just that decompression time that's killing me.becky>> I'm a single parent too. It's hard! I'm extremely lucky to have my parents close by though and they both adore my son (12, Aspergers) and understand his needs. They've supported my quest to figure out the best ways to reach Dylan and to improve his problematic behaviors, even joining in (and paying for!) some of the parenting training with

me.> > That said, I still feel the full responsibility of being his mom at the end of the day. His dad isn't very involved. It's been off/on since Dylan was a baby. He does accept the Aspergers diagnosis though (that wasn't always the case though - at one point he thought I just needed to be a better mom) and I think he does his best to support him during visits. I've had the same conversation about drop offs on Sundays though in the past, especially when Dylan was younger. His dad would typically work with me. When he was feeling uncooperative (not often but on occasion), I'd just recommend moving the pick up time back however long I was asking for him to drop him off earlier. So if I was asking for 5pm on Sunday, pick up time would be 5pm on Friday (instead of 6pm for both.) I'd also stay as flexible as possible about any other arrangements so he might do the same for me

when I requested it (like offering to drive to his house to pick him> up earlier instead of meeting half-way.) > > It's a challenge when they don't agree something is going on, especially when they don't have to deal with the school issues or social issues outside of school too often. Eventually my son's dad figured out it wasn't my "ineffectiv e parenting" but a true neurological issue. With that said, is your son's dad involved with school stuff? If not, I'd consider at least making copies of reports/evaluations /report cards and giving those to him so he can see it's just not your personal opinion.> > If you ever want to talk more, feel free to email me off line. I know it's so hard being a single mama having to go through this stuff. It can get better though. Hang in there!> > > > "Over-optimism is

waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out." > > > > > ____________ _________ _________ __> From: doodlebugboodles <doodlebugboodles@ ...>> > Sent: Monday, April 6, 2009 7:51:02 PM> Subject: ( ) Single Parenting/Asperger' s/Coming Home from Dad's> > > I'm a single mom and have been since the kid was pretty little. Most of the time it's OK and it has been better since we got the dx, but there are some problems. > > First there is that loneliness that someone else has talked about. I'm in this alone. I'm his only advocate. His dad doesn't even believe this is real and hasn't ever been a parent. He's pretty much a Disneyland Dad.> > The

biggest problem seems to be coming home from dad's house. I am insisting that he come home earlier so he has more time to decompress on Sunday evenings. He's making it through homeschooling with my sis on Mondays, but Monday evenings are a disaster. If he has to do anything (chores helping with stuff) he begins to melt down.> > I'm at a loss here. Any ideas?> > Any other words of wisdom that is specific to single parenting and Asperger's?>

[Guest guest]

I would try some sort of sensory diet type thing. Have him do some activity when he gets home and at regular intervals for Monday as well. It might alleviate his stress level enough so that Monday nights are not so bad. Also, schedule lighter chores on Monday as well, if possible or give him what is the easiest on that night.

Roxanna

The government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it.And if it stops moving, subsidize it. Reagan

( ) Single Parenting/Asperger's/Coming Home from Dad's

I'm a single mom and have been since the kid was pretty little. Most of the time it's OK and it has been better since we got the dx, but there are some problems. First there is that loneliness that someone else has talked about. I'm in this alone. I'm his only advocate. His dad doesn't even believe this is real and hasn't ever been a parent. He's pretty much a Disneyland Dad.The biggest problem seems to be coming home from dad's house. I am insisting that he come home earlier so he has more time to decompress on Sunday evenings. He's making it through homeschooling with my sis on Mondays, but Monday evenings are a disaster. If he has to do anything (chores helping with stuff) he begins to melt down.I'm at a loss here. Any ideas?Any other words of wisdom that is specific to single parenting and Asperger's?

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG - www.avg.com Version: 8.0.238 / Virus Database: 270.11.43/2043 - Release Date: 04/06/09 06:22:00

[Guest guest]

I can't wait to look and see what a sensory diet is. Thanks

Becky

>

> I would try some sort of sensory diet type thing. Have him do some activity

when he gets home and at regular intervals for Monday as well. It might

alleviate his stress level enough so that Monday nights are not so bad. Also,

schedule lighter chores on Monday as well, if possible or give him what is the

easiest on that night.

>

> Roxanna

>

> The government's view of the economy

> could be summed up in a few short phrases:

> If it moves, tax it.

> If it keeps moving, regulate it.

> And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

> Reagan

> ( ) Single Parenting/Asperger's/Coming Home from

Dad's

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> How exactly is Dad parenting? What are his disciplinary techniques? What

does he do in awkward social situations? Where is he getting his information on

your son's disabilities? How does he react to it? It's hard to answer vaque

comments like " He's a disneyland dad; what do I do? " so maybe a little more

detail? For me, Monday evenings would be a no-brainer--no chores. Let him

recoup; he obviously needs the time. This isn't spoiling.

Thank you. His dad's approach is that the kid can do anything he want as long

as it doesn't annoy or bother him. Unfortunately this had cause some major

problems in the past.

When I talked to him the first time about the dx, I tried to explain it to him,

but either I failed or he didn't listen or perhaps both. Since I posted this he

said he would be willing to read about it so I am going to get one for him and I

am hoping he will read it. It's my understanding that he hasn't done any of his

own research on it.

Becky

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the ideas.

Becky

>

> If he's not open/won't listen, I'd drop the subject for now and then maybe try

again in the future.  If all he knows is the time he spends with your son and he

doesn't even interact much with him then, not surprising he thinks he's " just

being a boy. "

>

> For Monday nights, why don't you just have one chore for him to do?  And maybe

make it a chore that's easy/he doesn't mind too much.  That way he knows he

still has to get back into the routine but makes it a little less stressful. 

Maybe he can even choose the chore?  My son wouldn't like choosing (too much to

think about and could help make the situation worse, in a weird way) but I

know our kids are all different here.  Once that is established and things start

getting better, maybe you can slowly add another chore until he's back to

the normal routine? 

>

> My son would be extra excitable/grumpy when he got back from his dad's house

too.  I always knew to do everything I could to get him to sleep as fast as

possible and to turn a small deaf ear/blind eye to what he was doing/saying.  As

he got older, I'd tell him " I know it's hard for you to adjust back to

your routine here at our house after you've been at your dad's so I'm going to

let that slide right now but tomorrow we're back to normal, okay? "   That way we

both acknowledged why he was acting differently so he wouldn't feel bad about

his behavior and I wouldn't get so frustrated.  Seemed to help.

>  

>

>

> " Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one

out. "

>

>

>

>