Re: How is your marriage?

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I meant to add, that my son is doing SOOOOOOOO much better not being around his dad all the time. I did the right thing and even though it has been hard at times, I relish in the fact that Jake is doing so well.

Life's too short to put up with what you know is wrong!

YIPPEE!!!!

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(((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))

I hear you

hugs

brenda, wife, mom and grandma to my beloved aspies

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Lowry

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."

Author Ben

From: aspieparentof1@...Date: Wed, 5 Sep 2007 05:05:21 +0000Subject: ( ) How is your marriage?

I've been married for 22 yrs--thirteen of them raising 3 special needs children. My marriage has taken an emotional beating to say the least. My husband stays in a continual state of denial while leaving me left holding an extremely heavy proverbial bag of disabilities.We've tried counseling, lots of it. We adore one another when we go on date nights. I love my husband with all of my heart and know he loves me yet we are hanging on a string. We love our sons and are thrilled to see positive changes in their lives as a result of our hard labor. Long ago we gave up the dream of typical school days followed by college followed by marriage and 2.5 kids. We now have simple goals. That they leave our home productive members of society, attach to their wives and children, and know the love of Jesus Christ. Our battle is no where near done, yet already the progress has come at quite a cost to my husband and my mental, emotional and physical health both individually and as a couple.We will not get a divorce, we don't want one nor is it an option for us. However, we feel robbed of what could have been. I feel selfish saying that as our sons have been robbed of much more. I miss my marriage.Just Venting. Connect to the next generation of MSN Messenger  Get it now!

[Guest guest]

What a topic! My marriage had problems before was

diagnosed. We just had our 25th anniversary. has been

diagnosed for 7 years.......and goes to a special school..

my husband has never met any Psychiatrist, Psychologist, been

to any testing, IEP meeting, parent group meeting at school.

He has never read any books on Aspergers. I don't think he's

interested in knowing more than I tell him. He does things

with , but if is having a meltdown, he has no

patience. It all falls to me, and I work full time, But I

have excepted this. My husband and I get along pretty well,

besides that. In a divorce, would have to leave his

home and live in a small apt., since I make very little. Also

he has told me he doesn't want a divorce! my husband and

I don't fight a lot, and really looks up to him for the

most part, so I guess it's better to stay put. It's almost

like I'm a single mom! -Sara

> I've been married for 22 yrs--thirteen of them raising 3 special

> needs children. My marriage has taken an emotional beating to say

the

> least. My husband stays in a continual state of denial while

leaving

> me left holding an extremely heavy proverbial bag of disabilities.

> We've tried counseling, lots of it. We adore one another when we

go

> on date nights. I love my husband with all of my heart and know he

> loves me yet we are hanging on a string.

> We love our sons and are thrilled to see positive changes in

their

> lives as a result of our hard labor. Long ago we gave up the dream

of

> typical school days followed by college followed by marriage and

2.5

> kids. We now have simple goals. That they leave our home

productive

> members of society, attach to their wives and children, and know

the

> love of Jesus Christ.

> Our battle is no where near done, yet already the progress has

come

> at quite a cost to my husband and my mental, emotional and

physical

> health both individually and as a couple.

> We will not get a divorce, we don't want one nor is it an option

for

> us. However, we feel robbed of what could have been. I feel

selfish

> saying that as our sons have been robbed of much more.

> I miss my marriage.

>

> Just Venting.

>

[Guest guest]

My husband is involved with treatment options, and does go to some dr appts when it fits his work schedule. i am frustrated that i do all the dss paperwork, work on the school stuff, etc. but this is what we signed up for i guesssara11alex77 <sara61145@...> wrote: What a topic! My marriage had problems before was diagnosed. We just had our 25th anniversary. has beendiagnosed for 7 years.......and goes to a special school..my husband has never met any Psychiatrist, Psychologist, beento

any testing, IEP meeting, parent group meeting at school.He has never read any books on Aspergers. I don't think he'sinterested in knowing more than I tell him. He does things with , but if is having a meltdown, he has nopatience. It all falls to me, and I work full time, But Ihave excepted this. My husband and I get along pretty well,besides that. In a divorce, would have to leave hishome and live in a small apt., since I make very little. Alsohe has told me he doesn't want a divorce! my husband andI don't fight a lot, and really looks up to him for themost part, so I guess it's better to stay put. It's almostlike I'm a single mom! -Sara> I've been married for 22 yrs--thirteen of them raising 3 special > needs children. My marriage has taken an emotional beating to say the > least. My husband stays in a continual state of denial while leaving > me left holding an

extremely heavy proverbial bag of disabilities.> We've tried counseling, lots of it. We adore one another when we go > on date nights. I love my husband with all of my heart and know he > loves me yet we are hanging on a string. > We love our sons and are thrilled to see positive changes in their > lives as a result of our hard labor. Long ago we gave up the dream of > typical school days followed by college followed by marriage and 2.5 > kids. We now have simple goals. That they leave our home productive > members of society, attach to their wives and children, and know the > love of Jesus Christ. > Our battle is no where near done, yet already the progress has come > at quite a cost to my husband and my mental, emotional and physical > health both individually and as a couple.> We will not get a divorce, we don't want one nor is it an option for

> us. However, we feel robbed of what could have been. I feel selfish > saying that as our sons have been robbed of much more. > I miss my marriage.> > Just Venting.>

Moody friends. Drama queens. Your life? Nope! - their life, your story. Play Sims Stories at Games.

[Guest guest]

Kids are a strain on a marriage, even without diability

issues. I think it's very normal. Not that that makes it

any more pleasant. :-(

We've had some very rough patches. In fact we were discussing

one the other day, which was probably the closest we've ever

come to splitting up. My husband mentioned that he had had a lot

of anger at me at that time because he felt like I was trying to

" make Bam " be autistic, by seeking a diagnosis. It was strange,

because I had thought all the anger was on my side - at him

because he kept insisting nothing was wrong. It's possibly

a shame we didn't seek counseling, though we did get through

it.

It helps tremendously to be at least close to the same page.

We both accept the diagnosis now and are in agreement about what

to do for him. We talk about it a lot. Perhaps it helps that

we do most of our talking in our hot tub. ;-)

Willa

[Guest guest]

DS & I never fight...until recently. I think in the 15 years we've been together we had maybe 5 fights until Saber came along and the last 4 motnhs have been incredibly stressful for us. It all came to a head when he came back from omaha last friday and he was upset that the house wasn't clean!!!!!!!!!! hello, i've been here all week with a 4 year old who is the energizer bunny!!! plus i didn't sleep well and havent really for a long time now (bedtime battles!) so we had a major blowout...all is well now, but its a daily struggle. plus all the added stresses we've got...we're making it through. i think we needed that fight.

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[Guest guest]

Dee you are so wise to seek out help in this type of setting after

only 4 months! Coming here has become daily therapy for me. Although

I hurt for all of you, I feel so validated while reading your

stories. It often seems as though we could put our own name in each

of the stories.

Tom and I went through 9 years of painful infertility. We had 6

failed adoptions (mom kept baby, miscarried or chose another couple--

we chose the private route), 3 miscarriages and then finally a

bubbly 3 yr old came to our home. Life was immediately turned upside

down. Our situation was different in that he was a foster child who

after being returned to bio mom was abandoned and then adopted by us

at age 5. During the 6 weeks we first had him in our home, there was

so much joy but life was so different. Why? There is a reason God

gives parents newborns who sleep for hours and hours upon arrival

and need nothing else but a diaper change, bottle and cuddling. It

is during this time a parent really bonds to their child and the

child to parent. Can you imagine what life would be like for all

moms if they gave birth to a 4 year old? People, even husbands, have

no idea how difficult it is for mom and older child to get into the

swing of things; especially when a disability accompanies the child.

Our last child was a newborn adoption but her bio dad protested

her adoption despite being in prison when she was born. As a result,

we waited 8 months before things were finalized. I see where you,

too, have Saber yet the adoption isn't finalized. That in itself is

extremely stressful. In the next few months, you will feel more of a

routine developing which will ease your stress as well.

Keep your marriage alive by having date nights at least 2 times

a month. The only rule being you don't mention Saber's name once.

I'm preaching to the choir now. Tom and I used to do this but

haven't for a long time. When we do go out, I end up talking about

the kids because we haven't kept up daily chats and I need to fill

him in on things. BAAAAD idea for a date night! You might as well

call it a date fight!

Kelley

>

> DS & I never fight...until recently. I think in the 15 years we've

been together we had maybe 5 fights until Saber came along and the

last 4 motnhs have been incredibly stressful for us. It all came to

a head when he came back from omaha last friday and he was upset

that the house wasn't clean!!!!!!!!!! hello, i've been here all week

with a 4 year old who is the energizer bunny!!! plus i didn't sleep

well and havent really for a long time now (bedtime battles!) so we

had a major blowout...all is well now, but its a daily struggle.

plus all the added stresses we've got...we're making it through. i

think we needed that fight.

>

>

> ---------------------------------

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Travel.

>

[Guest guest]

That's wonderful that you are ALL in a good place now. RobinDorothy <dathomas74@...> wrote: I am divorced. My ex was extremely self-centered(still is- he's 37 and dating a 22 yo - who he slept with at the same time as when we were trying to possibly get back together- ewww). He was very impatient and just this past weekend visitation he hit our son on the legs in the car because Devinn got upset about forgetting some toys at his dad's and had to- *gasp* turn around and get them.

always the mature one. My son frequently tells me "noone is meaner than daddy".I think we are all better off without this short-tempered and verbally abusive man in the house. We didn't fight a lot because I just did everything and tried to avoid any criticism/requests for help re: bills, housework, kids, etc. I wanted everyone to think things were fine.On the plus side, I met a man this past year and I have let him move in. He has read books on Asperger's Syndrome, spends time with all my kids, and never raises his voice- at anyone. We haven't had a fight since we met last December. It is refreshingly normal, and if I hadn't caught my ex cheating on me, I would have stayed in an unhappy marriage and my kids would have to live with his almost daily explosions and intimidation. So I guess my marriage was a disaster(for reasons other than the aspergers) and my current situation is going well. Of

course they are not *his* kids(he doesn't say this, I just feel uncomfortable expecting him to do much of the logistic stuff), so I do most of the grunt work re:Asperger's- but he is patient and understanding and spends time with my son playing video games and other things they both enjoy. Dory>> DS & I never fight...until recently. I think in the 15 years we've been together we had maybe 5 fights until Saber came along and the last 4 motnhs have been incredibly stressful for us. It all came to a head when he came back from omaha last friday and he was upset that the house wasn't clean!!!!!!!!!! hello, i've been here all week with a 4 year old who is the energizer bunny!!! plus i didn't sleep well and havent really for a long

time now (bedtime battles!) so we had a major blowout...all is well now, but its a daily struggle. plus all the added stresses we've got...we're making it through. i think we needed that fight. > > > ---------------------------------> Need a vacation? Get great deals to amazing places on Travel.>

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[Guest guest]

I read my son's medical file (I kept the same pediatrician) and birth mom & dad were in the doc's office on a weekly basis with problems from the time he came home from the hospital (he was in the NICU for a week). He didn't want to breast feed and she was using some sort of rice milk formula that he allegedly projectile vomited. Then she wanted all sorts of allergy tests done on him when he was a few months old. They also refused to have him immunized due to religious reasons, then it was because she didn't believe in them, then it was another story and another and another...he also had chronic yeast infections. Little boys do not get yeast infections unless they stay in a wet diaper for hours time and time again. There was a suspicion of neglect by the ped and she expressed concern to them several times about his care. They had issues with how he was growing, developing, etc. and then as soon as she got pregnant with #2 (when Saber was 6 months old) it stopped. It was

like she had a new plaything. I've talked to the ped (I see her a lot at work and we had lunch together one day) who told me the "real story" about him. I was glad she did because I have emails birth mom sent to foster mom-basically birth mom is a pathological liar and is nuts. Like she needs mental health referrals. Her latest thing is she wants to adopt a child from Africa because Angelina Jolie did and she thinks she's cool. Okay....they also got rid of a cat because it missed the litterbox once, and that is a sign its non compliant. That comment gave me a huge amount of insight into her psyche. Lets just say she isn't someone I'd like to go have coffee with.Ada Akers <adamakers_1@...> wrote: It's funny I keep telling my husband I would rather just adopt a 4 year old vs. having a baby. I just wanted you to know having an infant isn't any easier especially a special needs baby. That could be why the BIO parents aren't around. My little one when he was born was not the fairy tale mom idea I had dreamed about. I had a hard time having him and on top of that he hasn't stopped crying and whining since then. LOL. The adjustment perioid I expected to be hard but he threw tantrums at 3 months. He cryed so much that I would take him to the doctor and tell him it never stops something is wrong. They just shooed me away and said he has coliche. Well until Austin was 13 months old he would sleep 2 hours and be up crying and whining all day long until he had naps. It really has mentally taken a toll on me.

I would cry because I wouldn't know what to do with him. Everyone kept telling me to give him meds to sleep more. Well I am not one who is quick on meds so I didn't do it. Didn't want to hurt him with the meds(long-term) effect and all. I would feed him a bottle every 2 hours and he would sleep 2 hours for a half hour and be up again. Now that I look back on it he is just your typical baby with Aspberger. I couldn't even go anywhere with him because he would cry the lights and sounds were to much for him. I think what it boils down to is all Aspie children are a challenge at any age don't think it was easy on the BIO parents because if it was they may still be around. I think it is just wonderful to hear that you both took these great kids into your home and that you love them so much and give them the patience and stability that they need. I feel whether you are a Biological parent or not we are all going through those hardships and I know it may seem like it would have

been easier to have them as babies but believe its hard no matter what age. Hang in there both of you. Ada TickelKelley <aspieparentof1 > wrote: Dee you are so wise to seek out help in this type of setting after only 4 months! Coming here has become daily therapy for me. Although I hurt for all of you, I feel so validated while reading your stories. It often seems as though we could put our own name in each of the stories. Tom and I went through 9 years of painful infertility. We had 6 failed adoptions (mom kept baby, miscarried or chose another couple--we chose the private route), 3 miscarriages and then finally a bubbly 3 yr old came to our home. Life was immediately turned upside down. Our situation was different in that he was a foster child who after being

returned to bio mom was abandoned and then adopted by us at age 5. During the 6 weeks we first had him in our home, there was so much joy but life was so different. Why? There is a reason God gives parents newborns who sleep for hours and hours upon arrival and need nothing else but a diaper change, bottle and cuddling. It is during this time a parent really bonds to their child and the child to parent. Can you imagine what life would be like for all moms if they gave birth to a 4 year old? People, even husbands, have no idea how difficult it is for mom and older child to get into the swing of things; especially when a disability accompanies the child. Our last child was a newborn adoption but her bio dad protested her adoption despite being in prison when she was born. As a result, we waited 8 months before things were finalized. I see where you, too, have Saber yet the adoption isn't finalized. That in itself is

extremely stressful. In the next few months, you will feel more of a routine developing which will ease your stress as well.Keep your marriage alive by having date nights at least 2 times a month. The only rule being you don't mention Saber's name once. I'm preaching to the choir now. Tom and I used to do this but haven't for a long time. When we do go out, I end up talking about the kids because we haven't kept up daily chats and I need to fill him in on things. BAAAAD idea for a date night! You might as well call it a date fight!Kelley >> DS & I never fight...until recently. I think in the 15 years we've been together we had maybe 5 fights until Saber came along and the last 4 motnhs have been incredibly stressful for us. It all came to

a head when he came back from omaha last friday and he was upset that the house wasn't clean!!!!!!!!!! hello, i've been here all week with a 4 year old who is the energizer bunny!!! plus i didn't sleep well and havent really for a long time now (bedtime battles!) so we had a major blowout...all is well now, but its a daily struggle. plus all the added stresses we've got...we're making it through. i think we needed that fight. > > > ---------------------------------> Need a vacation? Get great deals to amazing places on Travel.> oneSearch: Finally, mobile search that gives answers, not web links.

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[Guest guest]

Willa, you made an interesting comment about your hot tub. When my husband suggested we buy a used one a couple years ago I said we'd never use it. Instead we use it all the time, my aspie loves it (we keep the heat down to 98 in the summer) and in the evenings my husband and I spend several hours a week just relaxing and talking. I think the benefits are twofold 1) we get time to relax & decompress and 2) we get time to communicate and vent which is sooo important for a marriage........ .

-------------- Original message from Willa Hunt <willaful@...>: --------------

Kids are a strain on a marriage, even without diabilityissues. I think it's very normal. Not that that makes itany more pleasant. :-(We've had some very rough patches. In fact we were discussingone the other day, which was probably the closest we've evercome to splitting up. My husband mentioned that he had had a lotof anger at me at that time because he felt like I was trying to"make Bam" be autistic, by seeking a diagnosis. It was strange,because I had thought all the anger was on my side - at himbecause he kept insisting nothing was wrong. It's possiblya shame we didn't seek counseling, though we did get throughit.It helps tremendously to be at least close to the same page.We both accept the diagnosis now and are in agreement about whatto do for him. We talk about it a lot. Perhaps it helps thatwe do most of our talking in our hot tub. ;-)Willa

[Guest guest]

On May 11, 12:32am, rhonda.lee.oreilly@... wrote:

} Willa, you made an interesting comment about your hot tub. When my husband

suggested we buy a used one a couple years ago I said we'd never use it. Instead

we use it all the time, my aspie loves it (we keep the heat down to 98 in the

summer) and in the evenings my husband and I spend several hours a week just

relaxing and talking. I think the benefits are twofold 1) we get time to relax &

decompress and 2) we get time to communicate and vent which is sooo important

for a marriage........ .

Unfortunately, Bam always seems to get riled up in the tub. :-( So

unfair! We do let him use it for limited times, and enjoy it very

much ourselves. There is something about the dark and quiet and

warmth that is very conducive to conversation. Pretty much our

entire decision-making process about spending Bam to school happened

in the hot tub. ;-)

Willa