Re: Telling Friends

[Guest guest]

Hi, In the beginning, I shared this information with lots of people so they can better understand my son. Like his coaches, school, outside activities, scouts, etc... this made a huge difference. the people that didn't understand autism, complained everytime they saw me. I explained to them, he is in social skills class and therapy and learning., what do you know about autism? they were willing to learn. (some, just complained about life). Even those that I didn't share information with, they still knew something was different. I didn't feel like I needed to share with everyone, but the ones that shared activities with my son, and the kids played together, Knew.. My son know about his aspergers 'first'. He was also comfortable with sharing with close friends. and sometimes his friends reminded him of things he forgot or events.

and when he gets stuck and repeats or is annoying, they don't get angry with him, but tell him to stop and move away. but they still talk/play with him again/later. with all that said, at 10, he is now starting to get phone calls (2). and at least (2) playdates. And, at this age he is now, I don't need to share this information as much as when he was younger, because of all the skill classes and therapy, he doesn't stand out as much. For us, sharing this information with my son and others was very helpful. and today, those people see the progress with him. Some, asked me questions about their own child. IMO, if you want to keep this a secret, maybe your not that comfortable with this DX yet. Maybe its best for you to wait till you learn more, understand your son some more, totally accept his DX and understand that he is still your son first, you still love him unconditionally, and its nothing to be ashamed

of. Our children have some weak areas, that they need a little more help with like social skills, speech, etc... but they have many strengths. My son has a very good long term memory. can learn the whole show on discovery ch. or a science class etc... his weak area's he's progressing slow. Find your son's strengths and share that when your ready. If possible, speak to your husband and explain that you would like to wait a little longer, to learn more about his DX, learn more about your son's needs first, before sharing this information with others. IMO, I feel when 'Your' ready, sharing would be a better experience. JMO? wishing you the best. I know this isn't the answer to your question, but only you would know when your ready. for us, sharing this information was helpful. Hugs Rosehguarino <heidi.guarino@...> wrote: Hi everyone, I have a strange question. My husband and I have told very few people about our son's diagnosis. He was diagnosed in May and we decided then to tell only our closest friends and parents to avoid too many questions and to ensure that no one ever thought less of him or had lowered expectations for him. I am very comfortable with this decision -i consider this something very personal, and something that I don't want to be water cooler

conversation wtih our friends. My husband is less certain about this decision. He is going this weekend on his annual "Guy's Weekend" away with about 20 of his male friends, and wants to use this as his opportunity to tell everyone the truth about Owen. His motivation is pure - he feels like we've pulled back a bit in the past year from our friends, and wants to be able to explain, at least in part, why we did that. I, on the other hand, am very hesitant. I feel like I still don't have my arms completely around what all of this means today, tomorrow and for the future, and am not ready to talk about it with too many people. Does that make sense? I am not ashamed of this diagnosis, I'm just not ready to share it. Yet at the same time, I want to respect my husband's desire to get it out there. I would love any advice you may have.

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[Guest guest]

I guess I would just be honest, but that is us; it is not a secret, and it will never go away; it may avoid a lot of other problems, too, like all the comments about (I am 'not saying your child IS---this is how others often perceive them!!!) what a spoiled brat he is, etc. when he is really overwhelmed by the environment, crowds, stores, etc.---a meltdown----he appears like a 'spoiled brat,' but to be honest, and teach others is what I would be after, I guess. And, my parents thought it was a big secret; they did not want us to tell anyway; WHY-----so they think we are the weirdos at everything because my two aspie boys will run and hide and not eat meals when all the "family" is together (group of about 50-70 people---literally)---------we are the only ones with kids that have the meltdowns, and act (in their opinions) like spoiled rotten brats, etc.-------------If the child had schizophrenia, years ago, it was some BIG secret; why----it does not change anything, so I would, once YOU HAVE ACCEPTED IT, be proud of it, and go on; life COULD be worse; this is something we (AND OUR CHILD) can LIVE with, it is NOT cancer, they are not 'dying,' it just IS. That is MY opinion......

but, we are the family that seems to always have something; YESTERDAY the brakes on our van locked up so we had it towed; today I have to figure out how to deliver my son to school (two hours late as he is at the new school, where we are moving to, my daycare is open, and my assistant has an appointment---so I have a small car and a SMALL PROBLEM with that); got an e-mail and had to call my husband to tell him that his father (71 years old) was just diagnosed with lukemia this morning-------after being hospitalized last night----same mother / mother-in-law did not bother to call & tell us, so we read it all, then I had to call & tell him this horrible news---my father-in-law is a total gem (isn't that the way it always is?!?!)----------, and we are still MOVING this weekend, closing Friday on the house---------it is always something it seems.....................

I am proud of my children, and accept their diagnosis; am glad to know what it is finally so I can do something to help them instead of nothing ever working for them! And, I learn from them, more than they do me I am sure, every single day; they are my life, and because of their diagnosis, we are probably closer because we get to miss school together for appointments and drive together, etc.; I would not change it, and I would be honest.........it is becoming sooooo common, too, that most are very supportive.

Ruthie Dolezal

From: heidi.guarino@...Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2008 20:44:23 +0000Subject: ( ) Telling Friends

Hi everyone, I have a strange question. My husband and I have told very few people about our son's diagnosis. He was diagnosed in May and we decided then to tell only our closest friends and parents to avoid too many questions and to ensure that no one ever thought less of him or had lowered expectations for him. I am very comfortable with this decision -i consider this something very personal, and something that I don't want to be water cooler conversation wtih our friends. My husband is less certain about this decision. He is going this weekend on his annual "Guy's Weekend" away with about 20 of his male friends, and wants to use this as his opportunity to tell everyone the truth about Owen. His motivation is pure - he feels like we've pulled back a bit in the past year from our friends, and wants to be able to explain, at least in part, why we did that. I, on the other hand, am very hesitant. I feel like I still don't have my arms completely around what all of this means today, tomorrow and for the future, and am not ready to talk about it with too many people. Does that make sense? I am not ashamed of this diagnosis, I'm just not ready to share it. Yet at the same time, I want to respect my husband's desire to get it out there. I would love any advice you may have.

[Guest guest]

hi ruthie

I too am so sorry to hear about your father-in-law, please know that he is in our thoughts and prayers as are all of you !

hugs

with 3 aspies

Wags! Wags! Wags!

Lowry

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."

Author Ben

From: smacalli@...Date: Wed, 20 Feb 2008 07:21:43 -0800Subject: Re: ( ) Telling Friends

Ruthie...I'm sorry to hear about your father-in-law. If you have ANY questions about the diagnosis, treatment options, etc... please call 1.800.227.2345 or on the web, visit www.cancer.org. There are Cancer Information Specialists available 24/7/365 to answer any questions you might have. It's an excellent resource. If there are any local resources available to help with transportation to treatment, support groups for him/family members, etc... they can also give you the contact information.

Take care...

( ) Telling Friends

Hi everyone, I have a strange question. My husband and I have told very few people about our son's diagnosis. He was diagnosed in May and we decided then to tell only our closest friends and parents to avoid too many questions and to ensure that no one ever thought less of him or had lowered expectations for him. I am very comfortable with this decision -i consider this something very personal, and something that I don't want to be water cooler conversation wtih our friends. My husband is less certain about this decision. He is going this weekend on his annual "Guy's Weekend" away with about 20 of his male friends, and wants to use this as his opportunity to tell everyone the truth about Owen. His motivation is pure - he feels like we've pulled back a bit in the past year from our friends, and wants to be able to explain, at least in part, why we did that. I, on the other hand, am very hesitant. I feel like I still don't have my arms completely around what all of this means today, tomorrow and for the future, and am not ready to talk about it with too many people. Does that make sense? I am not ashamed of this diagnosis, I'm just not ready to share it. Yet at the same time, I want to respect my husband's desire to get it out there. I would love any advice you may have.

[Guest guest]

Thank you sooooo much; I will forward that stuff on to my mother-in-law; I am sure she is just frantic today.....thank you SOOOO much for the help. Ruthie Dolezal

From: smacalli@...Date: Wed, 20 Feb 2008 07:21:43 -0800Subject: Re: ( ) Telling Friends

Ruthie...I'm sorry to hear about your father-in-law. If you have ANY questions about the diagnosis, treatment options, etc... please call 1.800.227.2345 or on the web, visit www.cancer.org. There are Cancer Information Specialists available 24/7/365 to answer any questions you might have. It's an excellent resource. If there are any local resources available to help with transportation to treatment, support groups for him/family members, etc... they can also give you the contact information.

Take care...

( ) Telling Friends

Hi everyone, I have a strange question. My husband and I have told very few people about our son's diagnosis. He was diagnosed in May and we decided then to tell only our closest friends and parents to avoid too many questions and to ensure that no one ever thought less of him or had lowered expectations for him. I am very comfortable with this decision -i consider this something very personal, and something that I don't want to be water cooler conversation wtih our friends. My husband is less certain about this decision. He is going this weekend on his annual "Guy's Weekend" away with about 20 of his male friends, and wants to use this as his opportunity to tell everyone the truth about Owen. His motivation is pure - he feels like we've pulled back a bit in the past year from our friends, and wants to be able to explain, at least in part, why we did that. I, on the other hand, am very hesitant. I feel like I still don't have my arms completely around what all of this means today, tomorrow and for the future, and am not ready to talk about it with too many people. Does that make sense? I am not ashamed of this diagnosis, I'm just not ready to share it. Yet at the same time, I want to respect my husband's desire to get it out there. I would love any advice you may have.

[Guest guest]

Ruthie, sorry to hear the news about your father in law. sending you a HUG RoseBRYAN DOLEZAL <DOLEZAL123@...> wrote: I guess I would just be honest, but that is us; it is not a secret, and it will never go away; it may avoid a lot of other problems, too, like all the comments about (I am 'not saying your child IS---this is how others often perceive them!!!) what a spoiled brat he is, etc. when he is really overwhelmed by the environment, crowds, stores, etc.---a meltdown----he

appears like a 'spoiled brat,' but to be honest, and teach others is what I would be after, I guess. And, my parents thought it was a big secret; they did not want us to tell anyway; WHY-----so they think we are the weirdos at everything because my two aspie boys will run and hide and not eat meals when all the "family" is together (group of about 50-70 people---literally)---------we are the only ones with kids that have the meltdowns, and act (in their opinions) like spoiled rotten brats, etc.-------------If the child had schizophrenia, years ago, it was some BIG secret; why----it does not change anything, so I would, once YOU HAVE ACCEPTED IT, be proud of it, and go on; life COULD be worse; this is something we (AND OUR CHILD) can LIVE with, it is NOT cancer, they are not 'dying,' it just IS. That is MY opinion...... but, we are the family that seems to always have something; YESTERDAY the brakes on our van locked up so

we had it towed; today I have to figure out how to deliver my son to school (two hours late as he is at the new school, where we are moving to, my daycare is open, and my assistant has an appointment---so I have a small car and a SMALL PROBLEM with that); got an e-mail and had to call my husband to tell him that his father (71 years old) was just diagnosed with lukemia this morning-------after being hospitalized last night----same mother / mother-in-law did not bother to call & tell us, so we read it all, then I had to call & tell him this horrible news---my father-in-law is a total gem (isn't that the way it always is?!?!)----------, and we are still MOVING this weekend, closing Friday on the house---------it is always something it seems..................... I am proud of my children, and accept their diagnosis; am glad to know what it is finally so I can do something to help them instead of nothing ever working for

them! And, I learn from them, more than they do me I am sure, every single day; they are my life, and because of their diagnosis, we are probably closer because we get to miss school together for appointments and drive together, etc.; I would not change it, and I would be honest.........it is becoming sooooo common, too, that most are very supportive. Ruthie Dolezal From: heidi.guarinogmailDate: Tue, 19 Feb 2008 20:44:23 +0000Subject: ( ) Telling Friends Hi everyone, I have a strange question. My husband and I have told very few people about our son's diagnosis. He was diagnosed in May and we decided then to tell only our closest friends and parents to avoid too many questions and to ensure that no one ever

thought less of him or had lowered expectations for him. I am very comfortable with this decision -i consider this something very personal, and something that I don't want to be water cooler conversation wtih our friends. My husband is less certain about this decision. He is going this weekend on his annual "Guy's Weekend" away with about 20 of his male friends, and wants to use this as his opportunity to tell everyone the truth about Owen. His motivation is pure - he feels like we've pulled back a bit in the past year from our friends, and wants to be able to explain, at least in part, why we did that. I, on the other hand, am very hesitant. I feel like I still don't have my arms completely around what all of this means today, tomorrow and for the future, and am not ready to talk about it with too many people. Does that make sense? I am not ashamed of this diagnosis, I'm just not ready to share it. Yet at the

same time, I want to respect my husband's desire to get it out there. I would love any advice you may have.

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Heidi, maybe you can have him tell the guys that you are still struggling with things. Maybe they can be sure and not overwhelm you with talking about it and also, tell their wives not to be quick to discuss it.

RoxannaAutism Happens

( ) Telling Friends

Hi everyone, I have a strange question. My husband and I have told very few people about our son's diagnosis. He was diagnosed in May and we decided then to tell only our closest friends and parents to avoid too many questions and to ensure that no one ever thought less of him or had lowered expectations for him. I am very comfortable with this decision -i consider this something very personal, and something that I don't want to be water cooler conversation wtih our friends. My husband is less certain about this decision. He is going this weekend on his annual "Guy's Weekend" away with about 20 of his male friends, and wants to use this as his opportunity to tell everyone the truth about Owen. His motivation is pure - he feels like we've pulled back a bit in the past year from our friends, and wants to be able to explain, at least in part, why we did that. I, on the other hand, am very hesitant. I feel like I still don't have my arms completely around what all of this means today, tomorrow and for the future, and am not ready to talk about it with too many people. Does that make sense? I am not ashamed of this diagnosis, I'm just not ready to share it. Yet at the same time, I want to respect my husband's desire to get it out there. I would love any advice you may have.

[Guest guest]

I think we all travel at our speeds <g>. Your dh might be less apprehensive about this than you. Or maybe you are the type of person who needs time to think things through before you share with others. I know I am someone who has to think for a while before I am ready to share what I think.

If these are close friends of his, I would let him handle it in his own way. Most likely, everyone will listen, maybe ask a few questions and hopefully, support your dh in how he is feeling and dealing with it all. Maybe he needs that. It is usually the opposite where the dh doesn't want to discuss it or share it or believe it's real. <g> So in that sense, you are already ahead of the game!

I mean, you have to decide what works best for you. But I would let him handle it in his own way, in my opinion. People are going to know something is a bit quirky about your kid anyway. This gives them the right words/labels/understanding to use. It's kind of like when people want to know about sharing this information with classmates at school. Kids know there is something weird/off/quirky with the child. They make up their own reasons/excuses and sometimes not for the better! So I am usually for sharing the information so that they get understanding and use the right words instead of making up their own. I kind of think the same in dealing with a group of adults as well. They may not grasp the whole thing but later on, they will read more about it or remember a situation where they thought your child was odd and think, "Ahhhh!" Knowledge is power (for the good usually!) And you may end up surprised to find someone else in your circle of friends who is dealing with this same situation or a similar situation or has a friend, cousin, nephew, etc. who was just dx'd.

Well, let us know what you decide to do!

RoxannaAutism Happens

( ) Telling Friends

Hi everyone, I have a strange question. My husband and I have told very few people about our son's diagnosis. He was diagnosed in May and we decided then to tell only our closest friends and parents to avoid too many questions and to ensure that no one ever thought less of him or had lowered expectations for him. I am very comfortable with this decision -i consider this something very personal, and something that I don't want to be water cooler conversation wtih our friends. My husband is less certain about this decision. He is going this weekend on his annual "Guy's Weekend" away with about 20 of his male friends, and wants to use this as his opportunity to tell everyone the truth about Owen. His motivation is pure - he feels like we've pulled back a bit in the past year from our friends, and wants to be able to explain, at least in part, why we did that. I, on the other hand, am very hesitant. I feel like I still don't have my arms completely around what all of this means today, tomorrow and for the future, and am not ready to talk about it with too many people. Does that make sense? I am not ashamed of this diagnosis, I'm just not ready to share it. Yet at the same time, I want to respect my husband's desire to get it out there. I would love any advice you may have.

[Guest guest]

Roxanna and everyone else,

Thanks for your thoughts. In the end I told him to go ahead and tell his friends this weekend, but I'm still not 100% convinced it's the right move. Maybe you're right and it's just that I'm not at peace with this yet... I just am not ready for this to be " out there " and the topic of light conversation. He was glad to get my go-ahead though, and I think is eager to get the support of his guy friends. So in the end, it's probably for the best. I am anticipating the calls from their wives next week!!

On 2/22/08, Roxanna <madideas@...> wrote:

I think we all travel at our speeds <g>. Your dh might be less apprehensive about this than you. Or maybe you are the type of person who needs time to think things through before you share with others. I know I am someone who has to think for a while before I am ready to share what I think.

If these are close friends of his, I would let him handle it in his own way. Most likely, everyone will listen, maybe ask a few questions and hopefully, support your dh in how he is feeling and dealing with it all. Maybe he needs that. It is usually the opposite where the dh doesn't want to discuss it or share it or believe it's real. <g> So in that sense, you are already ahead of the game!

I mean, you have to decide what works best for you. But I would let him handle it in his own way, in my opinion. People are going to know something is a bit quirky about your kid anyway. This gives them the right words/labels/understanding to use. It's kind of like when people want to know about sharing this information with classmates at school. Kids know there is something weird/off/quirky with the child. They make up their own reasons/excuses and sometimes not for the better! So I am usually for sharing the information so that they get understanding and use the right words instead of making up their own. I kind of think the same in dealing with a group of adults as well. They may not grasp the whole thing but later on, they will read more about it or remember a situation where they thought your child was odd and think, " Ahhhh! " Knowledge is power (for the good usually!) And you may end up surprised to find someone else in your circle of friends who is dealing with this same situation or a similar situation or has a friend, cousin, nephew, etc. who was just dx'd.

Well, let us know what you decide to do!

RoxannaAutism Happens

( ) Telling Friends

Hi everyone, I have a strange question. My husband and I have told very few people about our son's diagnosis. He was diagnosed in May and we decided then to tell only our closest friends and parents to avoid too many

questions and to ensure that no one ever thought less of him or had lowered expectations for him. I am very comfortable with this decision -i consider this something very personal, and something that I don't want to be water cooler conversation wtih our friends.

My husband is less certain about this decision. He is going this weekend on his annual " Guy's Weekend " away with about 20 of his male friends, and wants to use this as his opportunity to tell everyone

the truth about Owen. His motivation is pure - he feels like we've pulled back a bit in the past year from our friends, and wants to be able to explain, at least in part, why we did that. I, on the other hand, am very hesitant. I feel like I still don't have my arms

completely around what all of this means today, tomorrow and for the future, and am not ready to talk about it with too many people. Does that make sense? I am not ashamed of this diagnosis, I'm just not ready to share it. Yet at the same time, I want to respect my

husband's desire to get it out there. I would love any advice you may have.

[Guest guest]

Ya know,,,,I don't think it's gonna become the topic of light conversation. I think it's gonna be a chance for you to possibly explain your son to people, so they understand better. The way it should be. I think it's gonna be fine. It's not devastating. He's just his own guy. We're all different. It's just that we're lucky enough nowadays, to be in a "place" where there's names for the differences and they are accepted. You'll do fine. RobinHeidi Guarino <heidi.guarino@...> wrote: Roxanna and everyone else, Thanks for your thoughts. In the end I told him to go ahead and tell his friends this weekend, but I'm still not 100% convinced it's the right move. Maybe you're right and it's just that I'm not at peace with this yet... I just am not ready for this to be "out there" and the topic of light conversation. He was glad to get my go-ahead though, and I think is eager to get the support of his guy friends. So in the end, it's probably for the best. I am anticipating the calls from their wives next week!! On 2/22/08, Roxanna <madideaszoominternet (DOT) net> wrote: I think we all travel at our speeds <g>. Your dh might be less apprehensive about this than you. Or maybe you are the type of person who needs time to think things through before you share with others. I know I am someone who has to think for a while before I am ready to share what I think. If these are close friends of his, I would let him handle it in his own way. Most likely, everyone will listen, maybe ask a few questions and hopefully, support your dh in how he is feeling and dealing with it all. Maybe he needs that. It is usually the opposite where the dh doesn't want to discuss it or share it or believe it's real. <g> So in that sense, you are already ahead of the game! I mean, you have to decide what works best for you. But I would let him handle it in his own way, in my opinion. People are going to know something is a bit quirky about your kid anyway. This gives them the right words/labels/understanding to use. It's kind of like when people want to know about sharing this information with classmates at school. Kids know there is something weird/off/quirky with the child. They make up their own reasons/excuses and sometimes not for the better! So I am usually for sharing the information so that they get understanding and use the right words instead of making up their own. I kind of think the same in dealing with a group of adults as well. They may not grasp the whole thing but later on, they will read more about it or remember a situation where they thought your child was odd and think,

"Ahhhh!" Knowledge is power (for the good usually!) And you may end up surprised to find someone else in your circle of friends who is dealing with this same situation or a similar situation or has a friend, cousin, nephew, etc. who was just dx'd. Well, let us know what you decide to do! RoxannaAutism Happens ( ) Telling Friends Hi everyone, I have a strange question. My husband and I have told very few people about our son's diagnosis. He was diagnosed in May and we decided then to tell only our closest friends and parents to avoid too many questions and to ensure that no one ever thought less of him or had lowered expectations for him. I am very comfortable with this decision -i consider this something very personal, and something that I don't want to be water cooler conversation wtih our friends. My husband is less certain about this decision. He is going

this weekend on his annual "Guy's Weekend" away with about 20 of his male friends, and wants to use this as his opportunity to tell everyone the truth about Owen. His motivation is pure - he feels like we've pulled back a bit in the past year from our friends, and wants to be able to explain, at least in part, why we did that. I, on the other hand, am very hesitant. I feel like I still don't have my arms completely around what all of this means today, tomorrow and for the future, and am not ready to talk about it with too many people. Does that make sense? I am not ashamed of this diagnosis, I'm just not ready to share it. Yet at the same time, I want to respect my husband's desire to get it out there. I would love any advice you may have.

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