Re: should I let them see their mom

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I haven't heard of too many situations where it wasn't more fun than routine at the home of the parent who didn't have the lion's share of the custody. In that respect, your situation is completely typical. Be thankful that the visitation is at little as it is, actually, as you aren't dealing with the kids playing you off their mom ("Mom said I could go to this birthday party" when she didn't but now you're stuck with going along with it if you don't talk to Mom, or "Mom says that you do ______ because you're jealous/mean/bitter" or - even better - reverse that statement so that the kids are manipulating Mom by telling her things you have supposedly said).

If you don't let them see their mom, then the kids are going to resent you now for taking away someone who is nice to them and will resent you later for not being diplomatic and allowing them that small relationship. If she isn't hurting them at these visitations, I don't think you have a legal right to stop the visits, either.

As for not having couple time when you thought you would, well, life throws you curve balls. Sometimes they pull you up short, and other times you can really hit a home run. You took on guardianship of these kids for a reason. Think about that reason, evaluate if it is still valid (can the kids go back to their mom?), and then decide what you can live with. If you can live with giving the guardianship to someone else and you think that will make you happy, then do that. If you cannot live with giving the guardianship to someone else, then consider getting a friend or family member to keep the kids for a weekend and do a weekend getaway with your husband to recharge and come back to the kids refreshed and vibrant.

I have guardianship of my 8 yr old aspie nephew and my 5 yr old neice. I have guardianship because their mother was abusing my nephew. When the law brought him to my house he had bite marks all over him. When the parents got a divorce, I was a third party intervener and got guardianship. In the 31/2 yrs I have had the kids, they have been seeing their mother at least twice a month at my mothers. The thing that bothers me is the party that it seems to be every time they go there. There is always a gift, treats, and lots of "fun" time.

To me this is not reality. When they come home my neice always ask the question, why can't I live with my mom? I have answered the question with mom has problems but she loves you. Maybe I am just venting and a little jealous that her life is her life and I have the responsibility of raising her children. My children are 21, 18, and 15 and before I got these children, my husband and I looked forward to having a little "us" time. Now I am not that is going to exist. My question, should I continue to let the kids see their mother?

Thanks- you guys are the greatest,

Lori

..

[Guest guest]

In spite of their Moms problems the children should be able to see her if there is supervision. Not seeing her would be punishing the kids for a situation they have no control over. Counseling for the kids would probably be a good idea too. I know it's not easy. My older kids were 17, 18, 21, and 22 when I adopted my grandson. Now I get to raise him while the biological mom goes on vacations out of the country. I couldn't imagine life without him here though.

( ) should I let them see their mom

I have guardianship of my 8 yr old aspie nephew and my 5 yr old neice. I have guardianship because their mother was abusing my nephew. When the law brought him to my house he had bite marks all over him. When the parents got a divorce, I was a third party intervener and got guardianship. In the 31/2 yrs I have had the kids, they have been seeing their mother at least twice a month at my mothers. The thing that bothers me is the party that it seems to be every time they go there. There is always a gift, treats, and lots of "fun" time.

To me this is not reality. When they come home my neice always ask the question, why can't I live with my mom? I have answered the question with mom has problems but she loves you. Maybe I am just venting and a little jealous that her life is her life and I have the responsibility of raising her children. My children are 21, 18, and 15 and before I got these children, my husband and I looked forward to having a little "us" time. Now I am not that is going to exist. My question, should I continue to let the kids see their mother?

Thanks- you guys are the greatest,

Lori

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Thanks for the reply. These are very aggrevating situations. The problems fall on the caretakers. I guess we should be thankful for what we have and the little blessings that have been dropped on us. God Bless Lori In spite of their Moms problems the children should be able to see her if there is supervision. Not seeing her would be punishing the kids for a situation they have no control over. Counseling for the kids would probably be a good idea too. I know it's not easy. My older kids were 17, 18, 21, and 22 when I adopted my grandson. Now I get to raise him while the biological mom goes on

vacations out of the country. I couldn't imagine life without him here though. ( ) should I let them see their mom I have guardianship of my 8 yr old aspie nephew and my 5 yr old neice. I have guardianship because their mother was abusing my nephew. When the law brought him to my house he had bite marks all over him. When the parents got a divorce, I was a third party intervener and got guardianship. In the 31/2 yrs I have had the kids, they have been seeing their mother at least twice a month at my mothers. The thing that bothers me is the party that it seems to be every

time they go there. There is always a gift, treats, and lots of "fun" time. To me this is not reality. When they come home my neice always ask the question, why can't I live with my mom? I have answered the question with mom has problems but she loves you. Maybe I am just venting and a little jealous that her life is her life and I have the responsibility of raising her children. My children are 21, 18, and 15 and before I got these children, my husband and I looked forward to having a little "us" time. Now I am not that is going to exist. My question, should I continue to let the kids see their mother? Thanks- you guys are the greatest, Lori Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Search.

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[Guest guest]

You're welcome. Good luck with everything and do make sure you work in time alone and time alone with your husband. The kids need you to have that as much as you do. Take care!

( ) should I let them see their mom

I have guardianship of my 8 yr old aspie nephew and my 5 yr old neice. I have guardianship because their mother was abusing my nephew. When the law brought him to my house he had bite marks all over him. When the parents got a divorce, I was a third party intervener and got guardianship. In the 31/2 yrs I have had the kids, they have been seeing their mother at least twice a month at my mothers. The thing that bothers me is the party that it seems to be every time they go there. There is always a gift, treats, and lots of "fun" time.

To me this is not reality. When they come home my neice always ask the question, why can't I live with my mom? I have answered the question with mom has problems but she loves you. Maybe I am just venting and a little jealous that her life is her life and I have the responsibility of raising her children. My children are 21, 18, and 15 and before I got these children, my husband and I looked forward to having a little "us" time. Now I am not that is going to exist. My question, should I continue to let the kids see their mother?

Thanks- you guys are the greatest,

Lori

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Hi Lori, We had have full custody of our 15 yr old grandson, for the past 11 years. He is dx'd with Asperger/Bipolar/OCD/Chronic Motor Tic Disorder. He has been seeing his mom every other weekend.Then the opposite weekend he sees his dad. He used to love going because she was cool & fun. Now he asks " do I have to go?" I say " Only if you want to." He now is starting to see her for what she is. She does love her kids but has mental issues herself. She has lied to him many times about her taking him on vacations for years....never went anywhere yet. She has called him names(hover vacum) (Baby Huey) & cries when she gets overwhelmed. I told him she is the way she is. He told her he doesn't like her saying the "F" word & she freaked out & said that she was a F* & %ing adult & she can say what she F* & *ing wants to

say. Pretty huh? Now he will be 16yrs old next month & has always wanted to live with her I guess he wanted acceptance from her but now doesn't want to live there anymore. What I am trying to say is I have never kept him from her because I didn't want him saying that I did & I'm glad I didn't because he knows how she is without me saying anything. He had to see for himself. Take care, Betty lori jennings <lozzy3us@...> wrote: I have guardianship of my 8 yr old aspie nephew and my 5 yr old neice. I have guardianship because their mother was abusing my nephew. When the law brought him to my house he had bite marks all over him. When the parents got a divorce, I was a third party intervener and got guardianship. In the 31/2 yrs I have had the kids, they have been seeing their mother at least twice a month at my mothers. The thing that bothers me is the party that it seems to be every time they go there. There is always a gift, treats, and lots of "fun" time. To me this is not reality. When they come home my neice always ask the question, why can't I live with my mom? I have answered the question with mom has problems but she loves you. Maybe I am just venting and a little jealous that her life is her life and I have the responsibility of raising her children. My children are 21, 18, and 15 and

before I got these children, my husband and I looked forward to having a little "us" time. Now I am not that is going to exist. My question, should I continue to let the kids see their mother? Thanks- you guys are the greatest, Lori Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Search. Take care, Betty

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Hi Lori. I know I'm getting to this late in the day, but I just wanted to let you know that first, what you have taken on with your niece and nephew is amazingly wonderful. Especially, when you don't know how long you'll have them with you. But,,,,,,as far as them having a wonderful time with their mom,,,,,,that's a good thing. I know it's not realistic. It's at grandma's house and she gets to "give them back" after a bit of time, right? You and I and the rest of the world know that she is getting off easy,,,,but the kids still see her as mom. Fun mom, maybe? So,,,,,I think it's just something that has to be, ya know? The alternative would be for them to have to see mom and them hate it all and be suffering emotionally. You'd be miserable and worried and protective. Hope this helps. Robin lori jennings

<lozzy3us@...> wrote: I have guardianship of my 8 yr old aspie nephew and my 5 yr old neice. I have guardianship because their mother was abusing my nephew. When the law brought him to my house he had bite marks all over him. When the parents got a divorce, I was a third party intervener and got guardianship. In the 31/2 yrs I have had the kids, they have been seeing their mother at least twice a month at my mothers. The thing that bothers me is the party that it seems to be every time they go there. There is always a gift, treats, and

lots of "fun" time. To me this is not reality. When they come home my neice always ask the question, why can't I live with my mom? I have answered the question with mom has problems but she loves you. Maybe I am just venting and a little jealous that her life is her life and I have the responsibility of raising her children. My children are 21, 18, and 15 and before I got these children, my husband and I looked forward to having a little "us" time. Now I am not that is going to exist. My question, should I continue to let the kids see their mother? Thanks- you guys are the greatest, Lori Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Search.

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Can you give "mom" (birthing mother) some limits and limitations re: what can or cannot be given. I used to work for a foster care agency, and some of the bio parents were told finally, that they could no longer bring candy/junk food, no pop, etc. And, they weren't allowed to give money .... gifts, I guess they were allowed like at birthday time & holidays, but other than that I think there was only a "token" gift given, if any. I know how you feel, believe me! I cannot go into it now, but someday YOURS WILL come. Bless you for what you are doing!! J. lori jennings <lozzy3us@...> wrote: I have guardianship of my 8 yr old aspie nephew and my 5 yr old neice. I have guardianship because their mother was abusing my nephew. When the law brought him to my house he had bite marks all over him. When the parents got a divorce, I was a third party intervener and got guardianship. In the 31/2 yrs I have had the kids, they have been seeing their mother at least twice a month at my mothers. The thing that bothers me is the party that it seems to be every time they go there. There is always a gift, treats, and lots of "fun" time. To me this is not reality. When they come home my neice always ask the question, why can't I live with my mom? I have answered the question with mom has problems but she loves you. Maybe I am just venting and a little jealous that her life is her life and I have the responsibility of

raising her children. My children are 21, 18, and 15 and before I got these children, my husband and I looked forward to having a little "us" time. Now I am not that is going to exist. My question, should I continue to let the kids see their mother? Thanks- you guys are the greatest, Lori Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Search.

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I definately appreciate your point of view on this situation. Sometimes when you are in the middle of it, it is so hard to see clearly. I am very blessed to share guardianship with thier paternal grandparents who are absolutely wonderful. They bless me with alone time with both children. Everybody knows how hard that is to get when aspies have siblings. As for thier mother getting the kids back, that will never happen. The kids are with me because of abuse that took place. Legally I don't have to give her visitations at all. I know in my heart that is better that they see their mother, but can't help feeling a little resentful.Lori I haven't heard of too many situations where it wasn't more fun than routine at the home of the parent who didn't have

the lion's share of the custody. In that respect, your situation is completely typical. Be thankful that the visitation is at little as it is, actually, as you aren't dealing with the kids playing you off their mom ("Mom said I could go to this birthday party" when she didn't but now you're stuck with going along with it if you don't talk to Mom, or "Mom says that you do ______ because you're jealous/mean/bitter" or - even better - reverse that statement so that the kids are manipulating Mom by telling her things you have supposedly said). If you don't let them see their mom, then the kids are going to resent you now for taking away someone who is nice to them and will resent you later for not being diplomatic and allowing them that small relationship. If she isn't hurting them at these visitations, I don't think you have a legal right to stop the

visits, either. As for not having couple time when you thought you would, well, life throws you curve balls. Sometimes they pull you up short, and other times you can really hit a home run. You took on guardianship of these kids for a reason. Think about that reason, evaluate if it is still valid (can the kids go back to their mom?), and then decide what you can live with. If you can live with giving the guardianship to someone else and you think that will make you happy, then do that. If you cannot live with giving the guardianship to someone else, then consider getting a friend or family member to keep the kids for a weekend and do a weekend getaway with your husband to recharge and come back to the kids refreshed and vibrant. I have guardianship of my 8 yr old aspie nephew and my 5 yr old neice. I have guardianship because their mother was abusing my nephew. When the law brought him to my house he had bite marks all over him. When the parents got a divorce, I was a third party intervener and got guardianship. In the 31/2 yrs I have had the kids, they have been seeing their mother at least twice a month at my mothers. The thing that bothers me is the party that it seems to be every time they go there. There is always a gift, treats, and lots of "fun" time. To me this is not reality. When they come home my neice always ask the question, why can't I live with my mom? I have answered the question with mom has problems but she loves you. Maybe I am just venting and a little jealous that her life is her

life and I have the responsibility of raising her children. My children are 21, 18, and 15 and before I got these children, my husband and I looked forward to having a little "us" time. Now I am not that is going to exist. My question, should I continue to let the kids see their mother? Thanks- you guys are the greatest, Lori .

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i agree. my husband and i are raisng and in the process of adopting our 8 yr old aspis grandson, who we have, fro all intense purposes, been raising since day one. the difference: he doesn't go to see his "womb carrier" - at times she comes here. he has separation issues (he's afraid of losing us, he's aftraid we're going to die etc), and he can not spend time with miss WC or her family - it would affect him badly. i feel as megan does: if you don't bring them to see thier mom fro visitation, they just may resent that. as long as they're not being hurt, you should bring them. and yes, it's alwasy more fun at someone else's house where they'll only be for a little bit of time. the ones that are living with the child/children 24/7 have to be responsible, have to set rules etc. it's only natural for kids to think soemone else is more fun. as for alone time - i can't remember the last time my hubby and i had

a nigth out to ourselves. that just doesn't exist for us anymore. antha has such strong issues with separation, there's no way we would leave him with anyone. we accept that b/c we love him to pieces - he's our baby. ewveryhting revovles around him, even picking an "antha-friendly" restaurant. it's just the way it is. if this is what you truly want and accept as being your life, then you'll be able to deal with things better. if you think you don't really want this and you end up resenting it, then you may want to consider handing the guardianship over to someone else. bottom line: the children's best interest has to come first. hugs, jeanetteAdam & Meg Ritterpusch <ritterpusch@...> wrote: I haven't heard of too many situations where it wasn't more fun than routine at the home of the parent who didn't have the lion's share of the custody. In that respect, your situation is completely typical. Be thankful that the visitation is at little as it is, actually, as you aren't dealing with the kids playing you off their mom ("Mom said I could go to this birthday party" when she didn't but now you're stuck with going along with it if you don't talk to Mom, or "Mom says that you do ______ because you're jealous/mean/bitter" or - even better - reverse that statement so that the kids are manipulating Mom by telling her things you have supposedly said).

If you don't let them see their mom, then the kids are going to resent you now for taking away someone who is nice to them and will resent you later for not being diplomatic and allowing them that small relationship. If she isn't hurting them at these visitations, I don't think you have a legal right to stop the visits, either. As for not having couple time when you thought you would, well, life throws you curve balls. Sometimes they pull you up short, and other times you can really hit a home run. You took on guardianship of these kids for a reason. Think about that reason, evaluate if it is still valid (can the kids go back to their mom?), and then decide what you can live with. If you can live with giving the guardianship to someone else and you

think that will make you happy, then do that. If you cannot live with giving the guardianship to someone else, then consider getting a friend or family member to keep the kids for a weekend and do a weekend getaway with your husband to recharge and come back to the kids refreshed and vibrant. I have guardianship of my 8 yr old aspie nephew and my 5 yr old neice. I have guardianship because their mother was abusing my nephew. When the law brought him to my house he had bite marks all over him. When the parents got a divorce, I was a third party intervener and got guardianship. In the 31/2 yrs I have had the kids, they have been seeing their mother at least twice a month at my mothers. The thing that bothers me is the party that it seems to be every

time they go there. There is always a gift, treats, and lots of "fun" time. To me this is not reality. When they come home my neice always ask the question, why can't I live with my mom? I have answered the question with mom has problems but she loves you. Maybe I am just venting and a little jealous that her life is her life and I have the responsibility of raising her children. My children are 21, 18, and 15 and before I got these children, my husband and I looked forward to having a little "us" time. Now I am not that is going to exist. My question, should I continue to let the kids see their mother? Thanks- you guys are the greatest, Lori .

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I agree. I can't imagine being without them but with older teenagers who also have issues it can be a bit overwhelming. I am one of the lucky ones who does have help. It is definately hard, but through prayer and sacrifice we will make it. You hang in there too. It is good to know there are others out there to relate to and vent to. God Bless, Lorijeanette padilla <jeanapad@...> wrote: i agree. my husband and i are raisng and in the process of adopting our 8 yr old aspis grandson, who we have, fro all intense purposes, been raising since day one. the difference: he doesn't go to see his "womb carrier" - at times she comes here. he has separation issues (he's afraid of losing us, he's aftraid we're going to die etc), and he can not spend time with miss WC or her family - it would affect him badly. i feel as megan does: if you don't bring them to see thier mom fro visitation, they just may resent that. as long as they're not being hurt, you should bring them. and yes, it's alwasy more fun at someone else's house where they'll only be for a little bit of time. the ones that are living with the child/children 24/7 have to be responsible, have to set rules etc. it's only natural for kids to think soemone else is more fun. as

for alone time - i can't remember the last time my hubby and i had a nigth out to ourselves. that just doesn't exist for us anymore. antha has such strong issues with separation, there's no way we would leave him with anyone. we accept that b/c we love him to pieces - he's our baby. ewveryhting revovles around him, even picking an "antha-friendly" restaurant. it's just the way it is. if this is what you truly want and accept as being your life, then you'll be able to deal with things better. if you think you don't really want this and you end up resenting it, then you may want to consider handing the guardianship over to someone else. bottom line: the children's best interest has to come first. hugs, jeanetteAdam & Meg Ritterpusch <ritterpusch@...> wrote: I haven't heard of too many situations where it wasn't more fun than routine at the home of the parent who didn't have the lion's share of the custody. In that respect, your situation is completely typical. Be thankful that the visitation is at little as it is, actually, as you aren't dealing with the kids playing you off their mom ("Mom said I could go to this birthday party" when she didn't but now you're stuck with going along with it if you don't talk to Mom, or "Mom says that you do ______ because you're jealous/mean/bitter" or - even better - reverse that statement so that the kids are manipulating Mom by telling her things you have supposedly said). If you don't let them see their mom, then the kids are going to resent you now for taking away someone who is

nice to them and will resent you later for not being diplomatic and allowing them that small relationship. If she isn't hurting them at these visitations, I don't think you have a legal right to stop the visits, either. As for not having couple time when you thought you would, well, life throws you curve balls. Sometimes they pull you up short, and other times you can really hit a home run. You took on guardianship of these kids for a reason. Think about that reason, evaluate if it is still valid (can the kids go back to their mom?), and then decide what you can live with. If you can live with giving the guardianship to someone else and you think that will make you happy, then do that. If you cannot live with giving the guardianship to someone else, then consider getting a friend or family member to keep the kids for a weekend and do a

weekend getaway with your husband to recharge and come back to the kids refreshed and vibrant. I have guardianship of my 8 yr old aspie nephew and my 5 yr old neice. I have guardianship because their mother was abusing my nephew. When the law brought him to my house he had bite marks all over him. When the parents got a divorce, I was a third party intervener and got guardianship. In the 31/2 yrs I have had the kids, they have been seeing their mother at least twice a month at my mothers. The thing that bothers me is the party that it seems to be every time they go there. There is always a gift, treats, and lots of "fun" time. To me this is not reality. When they come home my neice always ask the question, why can't I live with my mom? I have

answered the question with mom has problems but she loves you. Maybe I am just venting and a little jealous that her life is her life and I have the responsibility of raising her children. My children are 21, 18, and 15 and before I got these children, my husband and I looked forward to having a little "us" time. Now I am not that is going to exist. My question, should I continue to let the kids see their mother? Thanks- you guys are the greatest, Lori . Be a better friend, newshound, and

know-it-all with Mobile. Try it now.

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This is such a tough situation to be in. I really feel for you. In a smaller way, I have experienced this because my dh works so much and this means I am usually the person in charge of making everyone do things they'd rather not. Then he comes home and hands out allowances and plays, etc. So daddy is "fun" and mommy is a grind. The truth is, once daddy is home for a few days, he turns into a grind too. <g> It's easier for me because I can tell my dh how I feel and he is more helpful about it. Can you talk to your mom about the situation and see if she has any ideas? I imagine your sister probably brings gifts and tries to make it extra fun because she feel guilty for not seeing them more often or about not being their mom.

Another thing to consider is what you tell the children. You don't want to upset them but at the same time, they should hear enough of the truth to understand or start understanding. Maybe talk to them about how you realize that they go there and play games and have a lot of fun but that living with mom is not possible because she is not able to take care of them for longer than an afternoon play date. Hopefully, over time, you can reveal that she is an abusive person and they can come to understand that and enjoy time with her for what it's worth.

Also, you might consider limiting time even further. Maybe not twice a month - maybe just once a month? Unless you have come to rely on a break yourself. Just know that years from now, they will know who showed up to do the job (you!) regardless of any presents the mom might have bought them. She did not show up for the real work involved in raising them and that is what will matter long term when they are mature adults. At such young ages now, it is easy to "buy them off" and impress them. So hang in there!!

RoxannaAutism Happens

( ) should I let them see their mom

I have guardianship of my 8 yr old aspie nephew and my 5 yr old neice. I have guardianship because their mother was abusing my nephew. When the law brought him to my house he had bite marks all over him. When the parents got a divorce, I was a third party intervener and got guardianship. In the 31/2 yrs I have had the kids, they have been seeing their mother at least twice a month at my mothers. The thing that bothers me is the party that it seems to be every time they go there. There is always a gift, treats, and lots of "fun" time.

To me this is not reality. When they come home my neice always ask the question, why can't I live with my mom? I have answered the question with mom has problems but she loves you. Maybe I am just venting and a little jealous that her life is her life and I have the responsibility of raising her children. My children are 21, 18, and 15 and before I got these children, my husband and I looked forward to having a little "us" time. Now I am not that is going to exist. My question, should I continue to let the kids see their mother?

Thanks- you guys are the greatest,

Lori

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Thank you so much for your encouragement. It is truly very kind of you and very much appreciated. I will take your ideas into consideration and thank you for taking the time to respond. LoriRoxanna <madideas@...> wrote: This is such a tough situation to be in. I really feel for you. In a smaller way, I have experienced this because my dh works so much and this means I am usually the person in charge of making everyone do things they'd rather not. Then he comes home and hands out allowances and plays, etc. So daddy is "fun" and mommy is a grind. The truth is, once daddy is home for a few days, he turns into a grind too. <g> It's easier for me because I can

tell my dh how I feel and he is more helpful about it. Can you talk to your mom about the situation and see if she has any ideas? I imagine your sister probably brings gifts and tries to make it extra fun because she feel guilty for not seeing them more often or about not being their mom. Another thing to consider is what you tell the children. You don't want to upset them but at the same time, they should hear enough of the truth to understand or start understanding. Maybe talk to them about how you realize that they go there and play games and have a lot of fun but that living with mom is not possible because she is not able to take care of them for longer than an afternoon play date. Hopefully, over time, you can reveal that she is an abusive person and they can come to understand that and enjoy time with her for

what it's worth. Also, you might consider limiting time even further. Maybe not twice a month - maybe just once a month? Unless you have come to rely on a break yourself. Just know that years from now, they will know who showed up to do the job (you!) regardless of any presents the mom might have bought them. She did not show up for the real work involved in raising them and that is what will matter long term when they are mature adults. At such young ages now, it is easy to "buy them off" and impress them. So hang in there!! RoxannaAutism Happens ( ) should I let them see their mom I have guardianship of my 8 yr old aspie nephew and my 5 yr old neice. I have guardianship because their mother was abusing my nephew. When the law brought him to my house he had bite marks all over him. When the parents got a divorce, I was a third party intervener and got guardianship. In the 31/2 yrs I have had the kids, they have

been seeing their mother at least twice a month at my mothers. The thing that bothers me is the party that it seems to be every time they go there. There is always a gift, treats, and lots of "fun" time. To me this is not reality. When they come home my neice always ask the question, why can't I live with my mom? I have answered the question with mom has problems but she loves you. Maybe I am just venting and a little jealous that her life is her life and I have the responsibility of raising her children. My children are 21, 18, and 15 and before I got these children, my husband and I looked forward to having a little "us" time. Now I am not that is going to exist. My question, should I continue to let the kids see their mother? Thanks- you guys are the greatest, Lori Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Search.

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Roxanna, That is 100% true, I agree with you on your last two paragraphs. The children have a right to know the truth about the parent(s) that is not living with them and why. (not out of anger) but the truth, and age appropriate. especially if in a dangerous situation !!..(mental illness, substance abuse - maybe both) The child will still respect the person they live with. yes, when they are young and have a 'sugar daddy' (or mother) that buys them the best/expensive gifts that you can't afford, they will still know who went to their school plays, birthday parties, did home work with them, was up all night when they were sick, did after school events, etc...they know !!! So, they have that same right to know why they can't live with a parent that's unsafe/dangerous for them to be there 24/7. and maybe no visits for now because it not safe for them... Also letting them be in that situation

(with a mentally ill person or a substance abuser) is unhealthy for the child. That is not a good roll model, or for the child to be there unsupervised for long visits. If it is supervised, and that parent isn't acting in an appropriate manner, the visit should be canceled ASAP. RoseRoxanna <madideas@...> wrote: This is such a tough situation to be in. I really feel for you. In a smaller way, I have experienced this because my

dh works so much and this means I am usually the person in charge of making everyone do things they'd rather not. Then he comes home and hands out allowances and plays, etc. So daddy is "fun" and mommy is a grind. The truth is, once daddy is home for a few days, he turns into a grind too. <g> It's easier for me because I can tell my dh how I feel and he is more helpful about it. Can you talk to your mom about the situation and see if she has any ideas? I imagine your sister probably brings gifts and tries to make it extra fun because she feel guilty for not seeing them more often or about not being their mom. Another thing to consider is what you tell the children. You don't want to upset them but at the same time, they should hear enough of the truth to understand or start

understanding. Maybe talk to them about how you realize that they go there and play games and have a lot of fun but that living with mom is not possible because she is not able to take care of them for longer than an afternoon play date. Hopefully, over time, you can reveal that she is an abusive person and they can come to understand that and enjoy time with her for what it's worth. Also, you might consider limiting time even further. Maybe not twice a month - maybe just once a month? Unless you have come to rely on a break yourself. Just know that years from now, they will know who showed up to do the job (you!) regardless of any presents the mom might have bought them. She did not show up for the real work involved in raising them and that is what will matter long term when they are mature adults.

At such young ages now, it is easy to "buy them off" and impress them. So hang in there!! RoxannaAutism Happens ( ) should I let them see their mom I have guardianship of my 8 yr old aspie nephew

and my 5 yr old neice. I have guardianship because their mother was abusing my nephew. When the law brought him to my house he had bite marks all over him. When the parents got a divorce, I was a third party intervener and got guardianship. In the 31/2 yrs I have had the kids, they have been seeing their mother at least twice a month at my mothers. The thing that bothers me is the party that it seems to be every time they go there. There is always a gift, treats, and lots of "fun" time. To me this is not reality. When they come home my neice always ask the question, why can't I live with my mom? I have answered the question with mom has problems but she loves you. Maybe I am just venting and a little jealous that her life is her life and I have the responsibility of raising her children. My children are 21, 18, and 15 and before I got these children, my husband and I looked forward to having a little "us" time. Now I am not that is going to exist. My

question, should I continue to let the kids see their mother? Thanks- you guys are the greatest, Lori Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Search.

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