Re: How to save a marriage?

[Guest guest]

I am sorry. Men don't handle the spectrum well. My son is now 6 and my husband

has finally accepted his diagnosis. He still does not take part in any of his

meetings, therapies ect.

I have decided to be my sons biggest advocate and fan. Your husband is the one

who will miss out. These kids are SO amazing and such a gift.

Take care of yourself

---- mommysbudbud <mommysbudbud@...> wrote:

> I realize this has been spoken of recently, but does anyone have

> suggestions on how to save a marriage? My husband will not do marriage

> counseling. I am so drained and feel like I am the only one who does

> anything. My son has anywhere from 1 appt a week up to 5, depends on

> what is going on. My husband attends none. He never reads the reports

> the teacher writes up about her sessions with our son. He never asks

> how OT went, he says our son is fine and to just give him time to

> grow/outgrow things. Our son is 17 months old now.

> My husband comes home from work at 3 pm and sits on the floor watching

> television. I want more help, any help. I want my husband to care and

> listen. UGH! Sometimes I just want to leave, just get in my car and go.

> I want to cry. I have tried to talk to my husband but it does no good.

> I told him either we go to counseling or we get a divorce and he said

> well then I guess we will just get a divorce.

>

> How on earth do I get past this time? How do I get him to be involved,

> to want to be involved? OR how do I just get myself to completely close

> myself off to him?

>

> I feel like I am seriously falling to pieces, drowning. Dawn

>

[Guest guest]

Dawn I wish that I had some words of wisdom for you, but everyones situations

are different. Sometimes people need a wake up call (meaning your DH). It is so

hard when they don't want to admit to any fault or promlems!!! Especially when

you are throwing it in there face constantly!!! It is hard to know what to say

because the last thing I want to tell you is to get a divorce!!!!!! I myself

beleive that all areas should be exhausted before " giving up " ! I know that for

me prayer and faith that all would be well and all can be healed and that my

husband will come around, is the only reason that we are still married right

now!!!! I have a lot on my plate and when it gets to be to much I hand it over

to God and let it go. If I did not learn to do that I wouldn't have made it

through our toughest times!!! Take one day at a time. Sometimes these things

take time and it is hard to wait, but in the end it is worth it!!!! And you know

what he did come around and has become stronger

in his faith which I wasn't sure would ever happen! I am not really sure if any

of this will make you feel better, I just felt compeled to say something because

my heart goes out to you!!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you!!!

mommysbudbud <mommysbudbud@...> wrote: I realize this has been

spoken of recently, but does anyone have

suggestions on how to save a marriage? My husband will not do marriage

counseling. I am so drained and feel like I am the only one who does

anything. My son has anywhere from 1 appt a week up to 5, depends on

what is going on. My husband attends none. He never reads the reports

the teacher writes up about her sessions with our son. He never asks

how OT went, he says our son is fine and to just give him time to

grow/outgrow things. Our son is 17 months old now.

My husband comes home from work at 3 pm and sits on the floor watching

television. I want more help, any help. I want my husband to care and

listen. UGH! Sometimes I just want to leave, just get in my car and go.

I want to cry. I have tried to talk to my husband but it does no good.

I told him either we go to counseling or we get a divorce and he said

well then I guess we will just get a divorce.

How on earth do I get past this time? How do I get him to be involved,

to want to be involved? OR how do I just get myself to completely close

myself off to him?

I feel like I am seriously falling to pieces, drowning. Dawn

---------------------------------

Everyone is raving about the all-new beta.

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry to hear about your marriage. I have spoke with several other

women whose husbands deny their children's problems. My husband was very slow

to jump aboard early on. I handled everything regarding therapy and emotionally

I had little to no support. He has come around now however, I still do all the

research and arrange all the services myself. Men, it appears have trouble

believing that anything can be wrong with their boys.

( ) How to save a marriage?

I realize this has been spoken of recently, but does anyone have

suggestions on how to save a marriage? My husband will not do marriage

counseling. I am so drained and feel like I am the only one who does

anything. My son has anywhere from 1 appt a week up to 5, depends on

what is going on. My husband attends none. He never reads the reports

the teacher writes up about her sessions with our son. He never asks

how OT went, he says our son is fine and to just give him time to

grow/outgrow things. Our son is 17 months old now.

My husband comes home from work at 3 pm and sits on the floor watching

television. I want more help, any help. I want my husband to care and

listen. UGH! Sometimes I just want to leave, just get in my car and go.

I want to cry. I have tried to talk to my husband but it does no good.

I told him either we go to counseling or we get a divorce and he said

well then I guess we will just get a divorce.

How on earth do I get past this time? How do I get him to be involved,

to want to be involved? OR how do I just get myself to completely close

myself off to him?

I feel like I am seriously falling to pieces, drowning. Dawn

________________________________________________________________________

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[Guest guest]

Dawn,

I'm sorry that your husband isn't involved with you raising his son.

It's probably very hard not to have a shoulder to lean on or any kind of help,

physical or emotional from your spouse. He may be in denial or just gave up,

thinking he can't do any thing for the boy. Maybe he feeIs responsible somehow.

I would tell him he can still have a chance to be involved if not then he

would have to leave. I would not jump into a divorce just a separation for now.

Let him think it over. Ask yourself what does he do for you.. what does he do

for the child? Only you can answer that. Do what is in your heart. Be strong.

Take care,Betty

mommysbudbud <mommysbudbud@...> wrote:

I realize this has been spoken of recently, but does anyone have

suggestions on how to save a marriage? My husband will not do marriage

counseling. I am so drained and feel like I am the only one who does

anything. My son has anywhere from 1 appt a week up to 5, depends on

what is going on. My husband attends none. He never reads the reports

the teacher writes up about her sessions with our son. He never asks

how OT went, he says our son is fine and to just give him time to

grow/outgrow things. Our son is 17 months old now.

My husband comes home from work at 3 pm and sits on the floor watching

television. I want more help, any help. I want my husband to care and

listen. UGH! Sometimes I just want to leave, just get in my car and go.

I want to cry. I have tried to talk to my husband but it does no good.

I told him either we go to counseling or we get a divorce and he said

well then I guess we will just get a divorce.

How on earth do I get past this time? How do I get him to be involved,

to want to be involved? OR how do I just get myself to completely close

myself off to him?

I feel like I am seriously falling to pieces, drowning. Dawn

---------------------------------

Get your own web address.

Have a HUGE year through Small Business.

[Guest guest]

Hi Dawn,

I know it's hard to have all this on you alone and to have

dad/husband be so uninvolved. I haven't read all the replies you've

received but wanted to comment that you can be a " single mom without

a husband " or a " single mom with a husband and with his income. "

Your son will still have all the same appts, etc., whether you two

live with dad or not; so my thought for now is to stay and you will

have less on your shoulders right now than if you ended the marriage.

Dad might just be sort of brushing problems off, thinking things

will get better, he's only 17 months.... Hang in there for now, he

may come around later.

Quick thoughts this a.m.

single mom, 3 sons

, 18, with OCD, dysgraphia and Aspergers

>

> I realize this has been spoken of recently, but does anyone have

> suggestions on how to save a marriage? My husband will not do

marriage

> counseling. I am so drained and feel like I am the only one who

does

> anything. My son has anywhere from 1 appt a week up to 5, depends

[Guest guest]

Hi Dawn. I am probably going to say something very

unpopular...sometimes you just have to leave.

When it gets to the point that your mental well-being is at stake,

where your self-esteem is low and the marriage is not giving you the

security and emotional support that you need but instead is hurting

you, it may be time to step back.

You could consider a trial separation during which time you can

attend counseling on your own so that you no longer feel like you

are 'drowning,' which is a terrible way to feel.

I did this, for a variety of reasons, and although I'm still going

through everything on my own with my kids and their issues, I am not

simultaneously being burdened by my negative relationship. I am

seeing someone now who is very supportive and where I used to cry

almost daily, I am much happier. I went from a stay at home mother to

working full-time, and I am learning to manage money myself. Despite

going to work full-time, my house--which used to always be a mess--is

cleaner than it's ever been, the laundry is no longer piled up, and I

cook at home more instead of taking the kids out and giving them

french fries. I realize now that I was depressed while married.

I still handle all the doctor visits, the tantrums, the hurt

feelings, and struggle with the hours of homework each night (that's

how long it takes one of them to do it), but I'm now confident in my

ability to do this.

If he absolutely is unwilling to work with you to understand what you

are going through and doesn't care enough about your feelings to help

you escape the sensation that you are being overwhelmed in life, then

he does not deserve you.

I stayed with my husband for the kids, but I realized that the same

aspects about his behavior that were destroying me were having

negative effects on them, also. Not only am I doing better but so are

they. I just don't see how one person can rescue a marriage all by

themselves. Maybe if you confront him with the reality of things,

like Claudine did, he will meet you partway.

Cat

>

> I realize this has been spoken of recently, but does anyone have

> suggestions on how to save a marriage? My husband will not do

marriage

> counseling. I am so drained and feel like I am the only one who

does

> anything. My son has anywhere from 1 appt a week up to 5, depends

on

> what is going on. My husband attends none. He never reads the

reports

> the teacher writes up about her sessions with our son. He never

asks

> how OT went, he says our son is fine and to just give him time to

> grow/outgrow things. Our son is 17 months old now.

> My husband comes home from work at 3 pm and sits on the floor

watching

> television. I want more help, any help. I want my husband to care

and

> listen. UGH! Sometimes I just want to leave, just get in my car and

go.

> I want to cry. I have tried to talk to my husband but it does no

good.

> I told him either we go to counseling or we get a divorce and he

said

> well then I guess we will just get a divorce.

>

> How on earth do I get past this time? How do I get him to be

involved,

> to want to be involved? OR how do I just get myself to completely

close

> myself off to him?

>

> I feel like I am seriously falling to pieces, drowning. Dawn

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Dawn,

You are getting great advice. I would ask that you try counseling

too. At least, the environment can be a protected environment where

you can talk about things. If he won't do counseling, then you will

need to build supports for you. I would seek out friends who will

help you if your husband refuses to change. Your church could be a

good place and also Autism Support Groups too that clearly

understand High-functioning/Asperger issues. You will however need

to find a real friend to help you out.

Divorce of course is painful. So, I encourage you if you can to

keep trying. If it is abusive though I would encourage you to find

a place of safety. Abuse should never be something you or your son

should suffer through. It is not allowed.

On a side, I can tell you that fathers can care a great deal. In my

case, my wife got to a point that she could no longer care for our

son ...... just exhaused from dealing with it. I stepped in, but

then this presents problems too ...... as I then got attacked by my

supervisor at work for shirking. Very sad..... almost no ordinary

family would understand the difficulties of an Autism Spectrum

family except those who have a disabled one in their immediate

family.

Best and Prayers

Mark

> >

> > I realize this has been spoken of recently, but does anyone have

> > suggestions on how to save a marriage? My husband will not do

> marriage

> > counseling. I am so drained and feel like I am the only one who

> does

> > anything. My son has anywhere from 1 appt a week up to 5, depends

>

[Guest guest]

Dawn,

The most difficult peroid (from my experience) is from 1 -4 years with an AS

or similar type of child. My husband was just like yours. I also wanted out. I

told my husband I wanted out but it did't make him become a helpful & supportive

spouse. He never changed. But I was too tired & emotionally gone after dealing

with my son's issues to pursuit anything in terms of legally ending our

marriage. So now my AS son is 7 and things are so much better. I think many

men tend to become more involved with these kids when they get out of the

toddler/screaming phase. I just wanted you to know that even if you can't get

your husband to change, things will get better with time.

You are not crazy for wanting to drive away. It 's so hard on a marriage &

your feelings are very normal. I'm so sorry your in the middle of dealing with

this, it's really tough.

Great Big Hugs,

Liz

Houston

mommysbudbud <mommysbudbud@...> wrote:

I realize this has been spoken of recently, but does anyone have

suggestions on how to save a marriage? My husband will not do marriage

counseling. I am so drained and feel like I am the only one who does

anything. My son has anywhere from 1 appt a week up to 5, depends on

what is going on. My husband attends none. He never reads the reports

the teacher writes up about her sessions with our son. He never asks

how OT went, he says our son is fine and to just give him time to

grow/outgrow things. Our son is 17 months old now.

My husband comes home from work at 3 pm and sits on the floor watching

television. I want more help, any help. I want my husband to care and

listen. UGH! Sometimes I just want to leave, just get in my car and go.

I want to cry. I have tried to talk to my husband but it does no good.

I told him either we go to counseling or we get a divorce and he said

well then I guess we will just get a divorce.

How on earth do I get past this time? How do I get him to be involved,

to want to be involved? OR how do I just get myself to completely close

myself off to him?

I feel like I am seriously falling to pieces, drowning. Dawn

---------------------------------

Have a burning question? Go to Answers and get answers from real people

who know.

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone for your replies, seems like you all understand.

I feel like I am raising my husband. He throws his dirty clothes all

over the place and if I tell him to pick them up, he will say no

because I told him to do it, if I ask him multiply times to pick them

up then he will say no because I asked him too many times.

If we have someone coming to our home, I ask him to help clean

up/pick up and he will say that he doesn't care what our home looks

like.

I am waiting for the call from the Regional Center who is going to do

the referral for my son to be seen by a doctor for his evaluation for

Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder. I will have to try and

convince my husband to be there for that eval. because if I try and

explain to my husband what the doctor said....he will tell me that I

am making it sound worse then it is.

My husband has the flexibility with his job to either work late a few

hours one day and then the next day he can go into work late. If he

works 2 hours late then he can go in 2 hours late the next day or

come home early 2 hours. His boss even told me he can do that, she

does it as well. She works long hours for weeks in a row and then

goes out of town when she has a lot of hours saved up. So their is no

excuse for my husband not to be able to attend any of these appts.

with us.

I am writing all of this down in a journal. I don't think I will

ever get through to my husband but maybe one day when our son is

older, he will sit down and read it and think about all the things I

did for our son and family.

Thank you again for understanding. It is so great to be part of a

group who understands or is willing to listen and not judge. Thank

you again, Dawn

>

> I realize this has been spoken of recently, but does anyone have

> suggestions on how to save a marriage? My husband will not do

marriage

> counseling. I am so drained and feel like I am the only one who

does

> anything. My son has anywhere from 1 appt a week up to 5, depends

on

> what is going on. My husband attends none. He never reads the

reports

> the teacher writes up about her sessions with our son. He never

asks

> how OT went, he says our son is fine and to just give him time to

> grow/outgrow things. Our son is 17 months old now.

> My husband comes home from work at 3 pm and sits on the floor

watching

> television. I want more help, any help. I want my husband to care

and

> listen. UGH! Sometimes I just want to leave, just get in my car and

go.

> I want to cry. I have tried to talk to my husband but it does no

good.

> I told him either we go to counseling or we get a divorce and he

said

> well then I guess we will just get a divorce.

>

> How on earth do I get past this time? How do I get him to be

involved,

> to want to be involved? OR how do I just get myself to completely

close

> myself off to him?

>

> I feel like I am seriously falling to pieces, drowning. Dawn

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Dawn

I don't have marriage advice necessarily, but like so many here have

said, men being in denial is unfortunately all too common. Not all are,

but so many women I've spoken to have said similar things. I can't say

it went so far as to cause marriage problems, as he came around within a

few months, but it was a long few months. He blamed me pretty much for

seeking help which resulted in a diagnosis of autism, 'I've seen autism

on TV, my son doesn't have that!' and no support whatsoever about the

appts in the first few months. I'd tell him what the doctor said, I'd be

depressed about it and he'd be like 'yeah, whatever.' But, I started

putting things in front of him -- lists of autism symptoms, I'd specify

" high functioning, like Asperger's " so he'd realize that not all autism

is a stereotype. I'd show him emails, blurbs of info from autism

websites, and then NBC did their autism series in April of 2005. What a

Godsend that was. There was a little boy they featured that was SO much

like our son. I tivo'd it all, he'd watch, bored, glazed eyes, obviously

there because I made him, but when this little boy came on, his jaw

literally dropped. It was our son, from tantrum to sensory issues to

repetitive behaviors and transition problems. It opened his eyes and he

began watching more and more with an open mind. Within weeks, he was

attending appointments, asking questions, researching on his own, and

the turning point was when he started telling others -- now? he's right

up there with being a huge advocate for our son. So, maybe there is

still hope for your husband -- some just really take longer than others.

I'm no counselor, but your husband loves his son no matter what --

remember that, and move ahead doing what you need to do for your son and

you. The appts are tough on your own, do you have any friends or family

that can help spot you? It's hard having to worry about your child, and

your marriage so I really hope and pray for you that things work out.

Donna

> mommysbudbud <mommysbudbud@...

> <mailto:mommysbudbud%40>> wrote:

> I realize this has been spoken of recently, but does anyone have

> suggestions on how to save a marriage? My husband will not do marriage

> counseling. I am so drained and feel like I am the only one who does

> anything. My son has anywhere from 1 appt a week up to 5, depends on

> what is going on. My husband attends none. He never reads the reports

> the teacher writes up about her sessions with our son. He never asks

> how OT went, he says our son is fine and to just give him time to

> grow/outgrow things. Our son is 17 months old now.

> My husband comes home from work at 3 pm and sits on the floor watching

> television. I want more help, any help. I want my husband to care and

> listen. UGH! Sometimes I just want to leave, just get in my car and go.

> I want to cry. I have tried to talk to my husband but it does no good.

> I told him either we go to counseling or we get a divorce and he said

> well then I guess we will just get a divorce.

>

> How on earth do I get past this time? How do I get him to be involved,

> to want to be involved? OR how do I just get myself to completely close

> myself off to him?

>

> I feel like I am seriously falling to pieces, drowning. Dawn

>

> ----

>

[Guest guest]

I am going through this too. My husband is in denial and I am

losing my strength to fight anymore. We have drifted apart and I

now notice that I have cut him off. He was suicidal 5 years ago

when we lost of our house and then again 2 years ago after the birth

of our son. I now realize that to protect myself, I cut my feelings

off. I guess I have just been waiting for him to die. We had an

argument last week that brought all this up again. I cannot live

like this. So I am trying to make an effort to connect with him

again. Also with our daughter, labels mean nothing to him and now I

understand why. He wants me to stop thinking in a box. I thought

he has not been aware of anything and he really has been thinking.

Just not talking to me. He wants us to look at our daughter. See

her strengths and her weaknesses and focus on them and not what a

label says. This is hard for me because of my training and all the

research I have done this last year.

So I don't think you can make your husband do anything. But talking

about it is necessary. If he wants to talk another time than pick a

time. But I understand the irritation that comes with feeling like

you are the only one doing anything. For me, decreasing the stress

level in the house is the most helpful strategy. Focus only on what

needs to be done and try to play/interact together as a family.

Jen

>

> I realize this has been spoken of recently, but does anyone have

> suggestions on how to save a marriage? My husband will not do

marriage

> counseling. I am so drained and feel like I am the only one who

does

> anything. My son has anywhere from 1 appt a week up to 5, depends

on

> what is going on. My husband attends none. He never reads the

reports

> the teacher writes up about her sessions with our son. He never

asks

> how OT went, he says our son is fine and to just give him time to

> grow/outgrow things. Our son is 17 months old now.

> My husband comes home from work at 3 pm and sits on the floor

watching

> television. I want more help, any help. I want my husband to care

and

> listen. UGH! Sometimes I just want to leave, just get in my car

and go.

> I want to cry. I have tried to talk to my husband but it does no

good.

> I told him either we go to counseling or we get a divorce and he

said

> well then I guess we will just get a divorce.

>

> How on earth do I get past this time? How do I get him to be

involved,

> to want to be involved? OR how do I just get myself to completely

close

> myself off to him?

>

> I feel like I am seriously falling to pieces, drowning. Dawn

>

[Guest guest]

>

> I am sorry. Men don't handle the spectrum well.

Is that right? There are several of us on this list that carry the

'Y' gene. I have the feeling that handling autism is very hard for

both men and women. I think that who takes care of the needs of the

children is probably more an issue of what the couple negotiates

and/or cultural patterns, than an intrinsic male/female characteristic.

Thanks and have a great day. F

PS: This is not in defense of 'detached' fathers... or mothers, for

that matter. LF

[Guest guest]

Hi to all struggling with Marriage,

I saw Zukov on Oprah about 2 weeks ago, which was a show on

marriage, and it helped my immensely. He wrote a book called The Seat

Of The Soul (not religious) which was on the NY Best Seller list for 3

years and Oprah said it was the book that had the single most influence

on her life, she still keeps it by her bedside. I have read his other

books also now and they are amazing. To start, you can only work on

yourself to be the best you can be. You cannot change the other

person, but you can bring a healthier, whole person to the relationship

which can make lots of difference in the outcome.

I normally wouldn't volunteer this info on this site, but after reading

all the struggles with marriage that we are having because of special

needs children and perhaps spouses on the spectrum that we were

previously unaware of, I thought it was important.

Best Wishes to all,

Debbie