Re: My son is costing me a fortune!!

[Guest guest]

Three cheers for kids who do laundry! I started our kids on laundry

duty at age 8. Our dd had to teach lots of young women how to do

laundry at Wellesley College when she started there 5 years ago. They

didn't have a clue! Getting good grades, yes. Laundry, goodness, no.

Anything our kids can do in order to be more independent is great,

IMO. I've started a cookbook for . So far, it's got chicken

nuggets, a special cake that he likes, snickerdoodles, and hmmm... I

forget what else, a few other things. They're all typed up with a

picture, put in page protectors, and stuck in a small notebook..

Liz

On Sep 27, 2006, at 9:14 AM, Tami Ober wrote:

> Yes, it's good to talk... especially being a single mom, you feel

> like you are all alone with the problems. He is high functioning...

> but he tries to act like he isn't, unless it's his idea, then he

> has no problem acting all grown up. He is in special ed for two

> periods a day, and he hates it. He says they are all stupid

> there.... i am sure they are not, but he insists they are. One day,

> last year, he decided to take a bus to his friends house with his

> friend... and not tell me where he was going, and I called the

> school and they said he went to 's house... well, I was some

> PEOD. They just let him go, then they can't give me the # to that

> kids house, so I said you better call there and have them call me

> right now. So they did, and I went right over there, snatched him

> up and put him in the car. His friends mom was all like, he can

> stay, and I said No HE CAN'T. I don't reward that type of behavior.

> You let them get away with it once, and they do it over and over

> again. I don't know those people from adam's rib but I know that

> the kid has been arrested for blowing up someone's front door. Not

> happening. He had another friend for about a month that would come

> over and knock everything in my house over... real clutz. And he

> was the type of kid, even though he lived down the street, he would

> tell me over and over how hungry he was. Like his parents never

> feed him, but he wasn't a skinny kid. I am lucky, I work for an

> agency that helps people like my son, with PDD, and they let me

> call him often and even go home and check on him. Plus, they have

> great benefits even though the pay isn't that great. It's a great

> job, tho.. I love it. If only home was like my job. My son's

> negative attitude is just draining me physically and emotionally.

> Everything sucks. Everything is stupid. He hates my music and

> complains about it endlessly when I am listening to it. I listen to

> music while I clean. It helps motivate me ... but I got him in my

> ear complaining as loudly as humanly possible. When I ground him,

> he lays on the bed or the couch and kicks the wall and complains

> endlessly for hours and uses every tactic he can to try to

> manipulate me. I tell him, " You are being manipulative and it isn't

> going to work. " But he keeps going, like he has the energizer bunny

> in his mouth. I had a babysitter spend the weekends with him, but

> she was eating me out of house and home and making a bigger mess

> than if I left him home alone... so I finally had to fire her...

> and I just call him often and come home and check on him. I have to

> come home to put my dog out... cause even if I tell him to do it on

> the phone, he still wont do it. Yet he claims to love the dog. I

> make him do laundry now, I go with him, and have him put it in the

> machines, put the money in, etc. He hates it. I feel like I try and

> try and I can't get anywhere with him. I just want to bang my head

> into the wall, at lea st that would produce a result... injury.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Toni, I realize your kids are at private school, but for those of you

who have kids at public school who are having trouble with your kids

missing oodles of school, you can have school come to your kids at

home. If your kids miss a certain amount of school, or you think they

will miss a certain number of days in a row, get their doctor to

write a note, and the school will have to send a tutor to the house.

We did this for our daughter when she was in eleventh grade. It was

not altogether helpful, as she was too sick to make much use of it.

But that option is available to you.

Liz

On Sep 26, 2006, at 2:45 PM, Toni wrote:

> psychiatrist.He can write a letter explaining that with aspergers/

> depression when they get overwhelmed by just being at school they

> will withdraw from activities which includes school and it is not

> being truant, just a part of the disability of aspergers and all

> the comorbid 'thing's' that come with it. OCD, depression, anxiety,

> bipolar etc... It DOES feel good to get it out. Sometimes I want to

> just go in my room and lock the door and NOT COME OUT!! Family

> counseling would be a wonderful idea, IF they would go anywhere

> besides school. I can hardly get them to the psychiatrist let alone

> the dentist, haircuts, eye appt ect...

> Toni and Wa-hya http://www.dogster.com/?370577

> ( ) My son is costing me a fortune!!

> >

> > My son, 14, AS, decided, while I was at work, that he would lay

> on my

> > couch two weeks ago and push his feet on the arm to " stretch " ,

> and

> > busted the arm off my couch... had to buy a new one. Then he

> broke

> > his back pack, saying the books are too heavy and it ripped the

> > straps, which I am sure that didn't help, but I know he was

> playing

> > with it... he likes to swing things around. Then he broke his

> > glasses again... my insurance only pays for two pairs a year and

> this

> > was the second pair... so I had to buy him new glasses at $200!!

> He

> > has cost me $500 in two weeks just in these items. I bought his

> back

> > pack at LL Bean so if he broke it, they replace it for free...

> that

> > cost me 80.00 alone. Last year, he lost his coat, LL Bean, at

> > school, and we couldn't find it, so I have to go spend another

> $100

> > on a coat this month... they don't replace lost items, I wish! I

> > find myself getting so angry at him... I am a single mom and I

> work

> > full time and barely make ends meet as it is... what would you

> all

> > do? I saved for six months to get that $500. I can't afford to

> buy

> > myself a new coat or even new shoes... how do I stop this losing

> and

> > destroying property thing? HELP!!

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your kind response, you and everyone else. I love my son dearly

and can't imagine life without him, but sometimes it helps to vent all the

negative feelings you are having. I have to go to training tomorrow, and he

says he will not walk home, he will sit at the school and wait for me for 3

hours... so I am not sure what to do. Should I go anyway and hope he will walk

home and not lose his key, or should I let him stay home so I don't have to

spend the day worrying... I can't not go to training. This is the last week and

if I miss tomorrow I have to start all over again. Any advise is appreciated.

If I let him stay home, I have to deal with million calls from school letting me

know how bad of a mother I am, not that I care anymore... Thanks in advance for

any advise. Tami

Re: ( ) My son is costing me a fortune!!

--- Hi Tammy, I'm new to this group, but could so relate to how you're

feeling. My asd son only 5 is also very destructive. He breaks his

siblings things, ruins the furniture, forget about shoes and clothing.

I like to buy him nice things too (even though he doesn't appreciate

them) For every day wear, he gets the cheap sale rack/k-mart items and

I save the good stuff for special occassions (or when I'm trying to

impress someone) lol. I also relate to feeling abused. Sometimes you

feel like your giving your last drop of blood and all you get in

return are kicks and punches. Oppositional/defiant disorder is another

diagnosis I hear thrown around alot. not that it really helps, but

having a name for it sometimes makes you feel like its not your fault

and there are other people going through the same thing.

Hope you guys are doing better tomorrow.

[Guest guest]

hello again Tami,

you mentioned that your son slept the whole time you were gone. Do you think

he could have a sign of depression? assuming your son is not sick. that

doesn't seem likely that a child would want to sleep all day. you also

mentioned that he doesn't want to do anything. You didn't mention if he was

involved with sports or after school activities for him to be very tired and

would want to go to sleep. Depression could take a lot out of you. I don't

know much about depression, maybe if you look more into that, and see if it

relates to your son and take him for therapy for help. Therapy takes a while

to start to work, but I know it does. (having the right therapist). usually,

there is a reason for why a person would behave the way that they are behaving.

He won't walk home from school, maybe, because he is used to the car ride. the

transition from the comfort of the car to walking is hard for him. I know you

work, so for you to meet your son without the car and

you both walk home together, would that be too much for you? maybe a few times

until he gets used to it? That is so hard and sad for you that your family

won't help. Did you ever ask him right out, Why he won't walk home from school?

What is his reason? is he independent at all with anything? I know things are

hard right now, but what if you complimented him on somethings that he does

good? don't bring up any of the not so good things for now just to try to build

up his self esteem. instead of telling him - you have to do ???? ask him if he

can help you with something, then let him know how much you appreciate his help.

Would he consider getting involved with anything after school? Maybe volunteer

at something. I don't remember reading how old he was, but he is old enough to

stay home alone. did he fix himself something to eat? I hope things work out

for you soon. Good luck and more hugs for you

Tami Ober <nyx@...> wrote:

Thanks, but he and I know no one else that goes to his school. He says

he isn't afraid of bullies, and he is the biggest kid in his class... 6'1, 200

lbs. He wouldn't get lost, I am not sure why he wont do it... stubborness or

just hard to deal with change. The school said that it " isn't our problem, it's

yours. " so... no idea... I did leave him home... and he slept the entire time I

was gone, didn't get home til 6:30 today, went alot longer than expected. But

it's finally over, YEAH!! Now I am a CRMA. WOOHOO!! Thanks for your kind

resonse! Tami

Re: ( ) My son is costing me a fortune!!

--- Hi Tammy, I'm new to this group, but could so relate to how you're

feeling. My asd son only 5 is also very destructive. He breaks his

siblings things, ruins the furniture, forget about shoes and clothing.

I like to buy him nice things too (even though he doesn't appreciate

them) For every day wear, he gets the cheap sale rack/k-mart items and

I save the good stuff for special occassions (or when I'm trying to

impress someone) lol. I also relate to feeling abused. Sometimes you

feel like your giving your last drop of blood and all you get in

return are kicks and punches. Oppositional/defiant disorder is another

diagnosis I hear thrown around alot. not that it really helps, but

having a name for it sometimes makes you feel like its not your fault

and there are other people going through the same thing.

Hope you guys are doing better tomorrow.

[Guest guest]

Tami,

that is so great you got out of that situation. though convient, money wise,

to stay. but the worse thing for you and your son. You should be proud you did

this big hard step on your own without any help. thats so sad the system

doesn't help the one thats trying to get out, with a better start. they

don't., but everyone is quick to say " what you should do, but not how to do it " .

and you did it. you got out and on your own. (freedom). its never too late

to start now to help your son. do things with him, together. little by little.

He has been through alot too with you. my prayers are with you both. Hugs to

you

Tami Ober <nyx@...> wrote:

He will stay up for days at a time and go to school after being up all

night, then when he crashes, he sleeps for 24 hours or so... kind of weird, but

he has always been that way. He says he hates sports, but I think it is the

neurological issues of balance and coordination. Doesn't have much of it. I

asked him why he wont walk and he says he hates walking. Depression, I am not

sure, it could be. I tried to get him to walk places with me, but he doesn't

want to, he refuses. I only work 4 days a week, one day is 4 hours. Training

started at 7:30 and ended at 6:30 yesterday... and thankfully that was the last

day. I was so excited when I got my paycheck and it was 900 for two weeks clear,

cause it enabled me to make up for some of these expenses lately. I normally

only get 550 clear on payday. I hate overtime, but it certainly makes things

easier financially. If I get too much of it, we lose what little benefits we are

getting now. Eg, they took away my state health

insurance which is fine cause my work offers insurance for $25 a month for me,

but if I put him on it, it goes up to $400. Thankfully, he still gets state

health free, but not if I make over $17,000. Plus, we get section 8, which now

only takes 100 off my rent, but that 100 helps alot. I know I could work

overtime every week, but that would take me away from him too much, and I

couldn't live with that. Plus if anything happened to me and we lost section 8,

we'd be out on the street. We lived in the abused women's shelter for two months

after I finally left my abusive boyfriend, who took care of me and my son

through my cancer when my parents wouldn't. I stayed 5 years because I knew I

couldn't pay the rent and all the bills and take care of him properly by myself.

5 years I put my son through that because I was scared of being on my own.

Before that, we lived in one room roach hotels and ate ramen noodles and lived

on 300/mo. cause I had no one to babysit him and no car,

and anyway I couldn't stand to be away from him. I used to donate plasma to buy

my cigarettes. Now, I feel like for the first time in my life I am trying to do

it all by myself, and in two years, my power hasn't been shut off, my phone

hasn't been shut off, he's never gone to bed hungry, He has more things than he

has ever had in his life, and I did that, but I can't forgive myself for all the

hard times I made him live through. Maybe he can't forgive me either... but he

says he does. He says it's okay, he's not mad at me, but maybe he is. In a way,

I am glad my parents wont help. My mother wasn't much of a mother. And my father

used to beat me and my sister regularly. My ex never hit us, but he used his

words to make us feel like the worst people in the world. That we were lucky to

have him cause we were so worthless. I told my son every day that he was a liar,

that my son was the greatest person in the world and Larry was the worst. But I

know that staying sent the wrong

message. But that was more than two years ago. No one has been in our life

since. By choice. He's had counseling. He told them all about Larry and how he

hurt us. And they asked him if he was angry at me, and he told them he was angry

at me, but he loves me and he made me promise to never go back there, which I

did and I have never seen him again. I heard he married his best friends

girlfriend who got arrested for stealing fund raising money from the boy scouts

and who stole from his best friend. Larry always called her a skanky ho, and now

he's married to her... go figure. Well, sorry for rambling. It's nice to get it

out. Tami

Re: ( ) My son is costing me a fortune!!

--- Hi Tammy, I'm new to this group, but could so relate to how you're

feeling. My asd son only 5 is also very destructive. He breaks his

siblings things, ruins the furniture, forget about shoes and clothing.

I like to buy him nice things too (even though he doesn't appreciate

them) For every day wear, he gets the cheap sale rack/k-mart items and

I save the good stuff for special occassions (or when I'm trying to

impress someone) lol. I also relate to feeling abused. Sometimes you

feel like your giving your last drop of blood and all you get in

return are kicks and punches. Oppositional/defiant disorder is another

diagnosis I hear thrown around alot. not that it really helps, but

having a name for it sometimes makes you feel like its not your fault

and there are other people going through the same thing.

Hope you guys are doing better tomorrow.

[Guest guest]

Unfortunately, this isn't available everywhere. My 11 yod has seizures

and has had major migraines for years. After a surgery in January, and a

major episode resulting in a spinal and other intrusive tests back in

November, the only thing available was/is independent study. I'm not

sure if it's a district choice or a state choice, but I'm SO thankful we

homeschool now and no longer have to worry about it. She had another

sleep-deprivation EEG yesterday, and she'd be behind in schoolwork and

I'd have to provide proof of where she was. Blech, who needs that.

Liz Bohn wrote:

>

> Toni, I realize your kids are at private school, but for those of you

> who have kids at public school who are having trouble with your kids

> missing oodles of school, you can have school come to your kids at

> home. If your kids miss a certain amount of school, or you think they

> will miss a certain number of days in a row, get their doctor to

> write a note, and the school will have to send a tutor to the house.

> We did this for our daughter when she was in eleventh grade. It was

> not altogether helpful, as she was too sick to make much use of it.

> But that option is available to you.

>

> Liz

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, but he and I know no one else that goes to his school. He says he isn't

afraid of bullies, and he is the biggest kid in his class... 6'1, 200 lbs. He

wouldn't get lost, I am not sure why he wont do it... stubborness or just hard

to deal with change. The school said that it " isn't our problem, it's yours. "

so... no idea... I did leave him home... and he slept the entire time I was

gone, didn't get home til 6:30 today, went alot longer than expected. But it's

finally over, YEAH!! Now I am a CRMA. WOOHOO!! Thanks for your kind resonse!

Tami

Re: ( ) My son is costing me a fortune!!

--- Hi Tammy, I'm new to this group, but could so relate to how you're

feeling. My asd son only 5 is also very destructive. He breaks his

siblings things, ruins the furniture, forget about shoes and clothing.

I like to buy him nice things too (even though he doesn't appreciate

them) For every day wear, he gets the cheap sale rack/k-mart items and

I save the good stuff for special occassions (or when I'm trying to

impress someone) lol. I also relate to feeling abused. Sometimes you

feel like your giving your last drop of blood and all you get in

return are kicks and punches. Oppositional/defiant disorder is another

diagnosis I hear thrown around alot. not that it really helps, but

having a name for it sometimes makes you feel like its not your fault

and there are other people going through the same thing.

Hope you guys are doing better tomorrow.

[Guest guest]

He will stay up for days at a time and go to school after being up all night,

then when he crashes, he sleeps for 24 hours or so... kind of weird, but he has

always been that way. He says he hates sports, but I think it is the

neurological issues of balance and coordination. Doesn't have much of it. I

asked him why he wont walk and he says he hates walking. Depression, I am not

sure, it could be. I tried to get him to walk places with me, but he doesn't

want to, he refuses. I only work 4 days a week, one day is 4 hours. Training

started at 7:30 and ended at 6:30 yesterday... and thankfully that was the last

day. I was so excited when I got my paycheck and it was 900 for two weeks

clear, cause it enabled me to make up for some of these expenses lately. I

normally only get 550 clear on payday. I hate overtime, but it certainly makes

things easier financially. If I get too much of it, we lose what little

benefits we are getting now. Eg, they took away my state health insurance which

is fine cause my work offers insurance for $25 a month for me, but if I put him

on it, it goes up to $400. Thankfully, he still gets state health free, but not

if I make over $17,000. Plus, we get section 8, which now only takes 100 off my

rent, but that 100 helps alot. I know I could work overtime every week, but

that would take me away from him too much, and I couldn't live with that. Plus

if anything happened to me and we lost section 8, we'd be out on the street. We

lived in the abused women's shelter for two months after I finally left my

abusive boyfriend, who took care of me and my son through my cancer when my

parents wouldn't. I stayed 5 years because I knew I couldn't pay the rent and

all the bills and take care of him properly by myself. 5 years I put my son

through that because I was scared of being on my own. Before that, we lived in

one room roach hotels and ate ramen noodles and lived on 300/mo. cause I had no

one to babysit him and no car, and anyway I couldn't stand to be away from him.

I used to donate plasma to buy my cigarettes. Now, I feel like for the first

time in my life I am trying to do it all by myself, and in two years, my power

hasn't been shut off, my phone hasn't been shut off, he's never gone to bed

hungry, He has more things than he has ever had in his life, and I did that, but

I can't forgive myself for all the hard times I made him live through. Maybe he

can't forgive me either... but he says he does. He says it's okay, he's not mad

at me, but maybe he is. In a way, I am glad my parents wont help. My mother

wasn't much of a mother. And my father used to beat me and my sister regularly.

My ex never hit us, but he used his words to make us feel like the worst people

in the world. That we were lucky to have him cause we were so worthless. I

told my son every day that he was a liar, that my son was the greatest person in

the world and Larry was the worst. But I know that staying sent the wrong

message. But that was more than two years ago. No one has been in our life

since. By choice. He's had counseling. He told them all about Larry and how

he hurt us. And they asked him if he was angry at me, and he told them he was

angry at me, but he loves me and he made me promise to never go back there,

which I did and I have never seen him again. I heard he married his best

friends girlfriend who got arrested for stealing fund raising money from the boy

scouts and who stole from his best friend. Larry always called her a skanky ho,

and now he's married to her... go figure. Well, sorry for rambling. It's nice

to get it out. Tami

Re: ( ) My son is costing me a fortune!!

--- Hi Tammy, I'm new to this group, but could so relate to how you're

feeling. My asd son only 5 is also very destructive. He breaks his

siblings things, ruins the furniture, forget about shoes and clothing.

I like to buy him nice things too (even though he doesn't appreciate

them) For every day wear, he gets the cheap sale rack/k-mart items and

I save the good stuff for special occassions (or when I'm trying to

impress someone) lol. I also relate to feeling abused. Sometimes you

feel like your giving your last drop of blood and all you get in

return are kicks and punches. Oppositional/defiant disorder is another

diagnosis I hear thrown around alot. not that it really helps, but

having a name for it sometimes makes you feel like its not your fault

and there are other people going through the same thing.

Hope you guys are doing better tomorrow.

[Guest guest]

Cool, so your hard work paid off! Thats wonderful:)

Re: ( ) My son is costing me a fortune!!

Three cheers for kids who do laundry! I started our kids on laundry

duty at age 8. Our dd had to teach lots of young women how to do

laundry at Wellesley College when she started there 5 years ago. They

didn't have a clue! Getting good grades, yes. Laundry, goodness, no.

Anything our kids can do in order to be more independent is great,

IMO. I've started a cookbook for . So far, it's got chicken

nuggets, a special cake that he likes, snickerdoodles, and hmmm... I

forget what else, a few other things. They're all typed up with a

picture, put in page protectors, and stuck in a small notebook..

Liz

On Sep 27, 2006, at 9:14 AM, Tami Ober wrote:

> Yes, it's good to talk... especially being a single mom, you feel

> like you are all alone with the problems. He is high functioning...

> but he tries to act like he isn't, unless it's his idea, then he

> has no problem acting all grown up. He is in special ed for two

> periods a day, and he hates it. He says they are all stupid

> there.... i am sure they are not, but he insists they are. One day,

> last year, he decided to take a bus to his friends house with his

> friend... and not tell me where he was going, and I called the

> school and they said he went to 's house... well, I was some

> PEOD. They just let him go, then they can't give me the # to that

> kids house, so I said you better call there and have them call me

> right now. So they did, and I went right over there, snatched him

> up and put him in the car. His friends mom was all like, he can

> stay, and I said No HE CAN'T. I don't reward that type of behavior.

> You let them get away with it once, and they do it over and over

> again. I don't know those people from adam's rib but I know that

> the kid has been arrested for blowing up someone's front door. Not

> happening. He had another friend for about a month that would come

> over and knock everything in my house over... real clutz. And he

> was the type of kid, even though he lived down the street, he would

> tell me over and over how hungry he was. Like his parents never

> feed him, but he wasn't a skinny kid. I am lucky, I work for an

> agency that helps people like my son, with PDD, and they let me

> call him often and even go home and check on him. Plus, they have

> great benefits even though the pay isn't that great. It's a great

> job, tho.. I love it. If only home was like my job. My son's

> negative attitude is just draining me physically and emotionally.

> Everything sucks. Everything is stupid. He hates my music and

> complains about it endlessly when I am listening to it. I listen to

> music while I clean. It helps motivate me ... but I got him in my

> ear complaining as loudly as humanly possible. When I ground him,

> he lays on the bed or the couch and kicks the wall and complains

> endlessly for hours and uses every tactic he can to try to

> manipulate me. I tell him, " You are being manipulative and it isn't

> going to work. " But he keeps going, like he has the energizer bunny

> in his mouth. I had a babysitter spend the weekends with him, but

> she was eating me out of house and home and making a bigger mess

> than if I left him home alone... so I finally had to fire her...

> and I just call him often and come home and check on him. I have to

> come home to put my dog out... cause even if I tell him to do it on

> the phone, he still wont do it. Yet he claims to love the dog. I

> make him do laundry now, I go with him, and have him put it in the

> machines, put the money in, etc. He hates it. I feel like I try and

> try and I can't get anywhere with him. I just want to bang my head

> into the wall, at lea st that would produce a result... injury.

>

>

[Guest guest]

I know that it's better late than never... but the guilt is always there. I

tell him I love him many times a day, and I try to be there with him, I am

always home when I am not working. I don't go anywhere or do anything without

him, except maybe groceries, but lately I have been telling him if he doesn't

come with me, he doesn't get to pick out what he wants... to get him out of the

house and involved. It does suck the way the system is set up. It would have

been nice to get a few weeks of help after i started my job... just to get on my

feet. I had to borrow money to get my car fixed to start my job... but I paid

it back within a month, so that was good. I think that there is a problem with

the government telling parents how to raise their children or trying to raise

them for us... the problem is that so many parents don't do their job properly

and government made all these laws about it... so even parents who are trying

have to put up with the red tape. I finally got the school to agree to bus him

home every day starting next week. It only took almost a month to get that

done... whopee. I know I just have to get through it all day by day... but some

days are harder than others. I just keep telling myself he's the most wonderful

person in the world, because he really is... just an oaf on top of it! I thank

you for your kind emails and positive thoughts! They are a blessing. Tami

Re: ( ) My son is costing me a fortune!!

--- Hi Tammy, I'm new to this group, but could so relate to how you're

feeling. My asd son only 5 is also very destructive. He breaks his

siblings things, ruins the furniture, forget about shoes and clothing.

I like to buy him nice things too (even though he doesn't appreciate

them) For every day wear, he gets the cheap sale rack/k-mart items and

I save the good stuff for special occassions (or when I'm trying to

impress someone) lol. I also relate to feeling abused. Sometimes you

feel like your giving your last drop of blood and all you get in

return are kicks and punches. Oppositional/defiant disorder is another

diagnosis I hear thrown around alot. not that it really helps, but

having a name for it sometimes makes you feel like its not your fault

and there are other people going through the same thing.

Hope you guys are doing better tomorrow.