Re: It can be nice that they are so oblivious sometimes.....

[Guest guest]

I can't agree more. Any time my son is asked about friends, he claims

he has many. ALL of the kids in his class are his " friends " . He has

" LOTS " of friends. In truth, he has one.

If he is asked about teasing (i.e by Drs, etc), he claims that no one

teases him or acts mean to him. He honestly believes that. That's

because he doesn't recognize that when the kids ignore him, refuse to

answer, walk away rolling their eyes, refuse to let him play with

them, etc., they are not being nice to him. I have seen it with my

own eyes, yet he didn't realize it. He lacks the ability to pick up

on the social cues, but I also suspect he doesn't want to think that

his " friends " and cousins could treat him that way. Yes, his cousins

do that, too. When we have get togethers, his male cousins won't even

sit next to him. One stood up when he found out CJ was going to sit

next to him, and refused to sit back down. CJ does annoy them, but

they really area not nice to him.

I did see him well up once when he was asking his female cousin (same

age, same grade, same school, different class) why she wasn't

answering him when he talked to her, and why she was walking away. Of

course, she still didn't answer. It was rather heartbreaking, but he

was apparently in denial about it because despite the fact that he got

choked up and noticed she was ignoring him, he didn't recognize (or

admit) that she was being mean.

So, I agree. It can be nice sometimes when they're oblivious. It

saves them undue emotional pain.

Debbie (in NJ)

CJ (8) - AS, anxiety, ADHD, prior ODD dx but much better, and so on.

Doing much better after 16 mos of OT, meds for the ADHD & 14 mos of

mobile therapy (psychologist & BA).

Also has Eosinophilic Esophagitis (EE) - Reacts to most food

so he's G-tube fed a special elemental formula w/ no intact proteins.

(4) - currently healthy, and seems to be " normal " in that she

doesn't have symptoms of any PDD. She's also very intelligent. She

does have some problems attending (ery possibly ADHD, but mild), and

is definitely affected by her brother's behavior. She does seem to

model his behavior at times as well, because he is her big brother

after all.

[Guest guest]

Hi!

Just wanted to chime in that I think it is nice to be

unaware sometimes.

But Max isn't. He's painfully aware. He wants to be

" cool " and included to an enth degree. That's part of

why it was so difficult for specialists to diagnose

him, and we didn't have one for so long. When kids

make fun of him or are mean to him I want to throttle

them (what exactly does " throttle them " mean,

anyway?). I just end up verbally correcting them, as

if I'm an overbearing mom or something. Because he

DOES notice and it DOES hurt him. He won't just " learn

to deal with it " as some say he would be leaving him

alone to defend himself (I'm not sure any kid would

" just learn " this way).

But, I do want him to learn how to be nice to them and

like them anyway. Because he's a nice, forgiving

person. This is hard for anyone. I wish I was more

like that!

- Adrienne

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

" Throttle them " :-) it means to grab them around the neck and shake

them back and forth. At least that's what I always thought it meant.

BTW, my son is also slowly becoming more aware of what the kids think

but only about 5% of what others kids his age would be. He still misses

most of the nasty comments and ignoring, thank goodness. Although his

obliviousness does cause allot of the problems in the first place (He's

running around screaming like a monkey thinking the other kids think

he's funny and they just say to me " Quentin is so weird " ) It's a double

edged sword :-). It's so funny though, he combs his hair into this Moe

style now so he can look cool and is now wanting to ride in the car with

the window down so he can pose with his arm on the sill and look cool to

any girls he passes. He's only 9 now and I hate to think how obsessed

he'll be with it in 5 years. Uggh....

Re: ( ) It can be nice that they are so

oblivious sometimes.....

Hi!

Just wanted to chime in that I think it is nice to be

unaware sometimes.

But Max isn't. He's painfully aware. He wants to be

" cool " and included to an enth degree. That's part of

why it was so difficult for specialists to diagnose

him, and we didn't have one for so long. When kids

make fun of him or are mean to him I want to throttle

them (what exactly does " throttle them " mean,

anyway?). I just end up verbally correcting them, as

if I'm an overbearing mom or something. Because he

DOES notice and it DOES hurt him. He won't just " learn

to deal with it " as some say he would be leaving him

alone to defend himself (I'm not sure any kid would

" just learn " this way).

But, I do want him to learn how to be nice to them and

like them anyway. Because he's a nice, forgiving

person. This is hard for anyone. I wish I was more

like that!

- Adrienne

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Sometimes Conner " gets it " and he is hurt, while other times he's

oblivious. Being MOM- I too tend to want to be defensive for my son,

sure he's quirky, but a neat kid too - if you just take the TIME to

get to know him. He told the docs he has 2-3 friends, but none of

his " friends " are buddy/buddy so to speak. At the last day of a

school/church camp that evening they had a cookout. I observed

Conner emptying the van of all my sodas I had just purchased ( I'm

addicted but not too worried about that right now ) He then lined all

the sodas against a tree on the playground. There were about 20 kids-

most of whom he knows- and not 20 sodas- so I had my husband put them

back in the van to be " fair " . Conner got upset- he said he had had a

bad day and he was trying to " make friends " . These kids,( except for

a small percentage of them because we do have a rather supportive

school environment- not much bullying thank goodness ) just wanted

the sodas and my little boy was looking for " friends " . That was

somewhat painful to observe. Another daycamp he's attended- for

mainstream and special-needs kids- the camp director was amazed when

he saw Conner playing " solo " kickball. All the rest of the boys 6-9

yo were playing together on teams, Conner was off to the side kicking

the ball against a wall and running his own " bases " . Takes some

smarts to figure that out , I think. He likes basketball only, and

has always been hesitant to join groups - since preschool. And the

professionals still won't dx. formal AS. UGH !!!

Kim

Conner , 9.5 yo, AS/ADD/EOBP ???, Abilify, Tenex, Metadate ER and now

Prozac

[Guest guest]

Hi!

Oh, no! I wouldn't want to do that. I guess I really

mean something else.

It's cute how your son wants to look " cool " . I think

you're right that it won't be so " cute " in 5 years!

Take care,

- Adrienne

--- " Ms. Tabitha Bingham " <cleobaby74@...>

wrote:

> " Throttle them " :-) it means to grab them around

> the neck and shake

> them back and forth. At least that's what I always

> thought it meant.

> BTW, my son is also slowly becoming more aware of

> what the kids think

> but only about 5% of what others kids his age would

> be. He still misses

> most of the nasty comments and ignoring, thank

> goodness. Although his

> obliviousness does cause allot of the problems in

> the first place (He's

> running around screaming like a monkey thinking the

> other kids think

> he's funny and they just say to me " Quentin is so

> weird " ) It's a double

> edged sword :-). It's so funny though, he combs his

> hair into this Moe

> style now so he can look cool and is now wanting to

> ride in the car with

> the window down so he can pose with his arm on the

> sill and look cool to

> any girls he passes. He's only 9 now and I hate to

> think how obsessed

> he'll be with it in 5 years. Uggh....

>

> Re: ( ) It can be nice that

> they are so

> oblivious sometimes.....

>

> Hi!

>

> Just wanted to chime in that I think it is nice to

> be

> unaware sometimes.

>

> But Max isn't. He's painfully aware. He wants to be

> " cool " and included to an enth degree. That's part

> of

> why it was so difficult for specialists to diagnose

> him, and we didn't have one for so long. When kids

> make fun of him or are mean to him I want to

> throttle

> them (what exactly does " throttle them " mean,

> anyway?). I just end up verbally correcting them, as

> if I'm an overbearing mom or something. Because he

> DOES notice and it DOES hurt him. He won't just

> " learn

> to deal with it " as some say he would be leaving him

> alone to defend himself (I'm not sure any kid would

> " just learn " this way).

>

> But, I do want him to learn how to be nice to them

> and

> like them anyway. Because he's a nice, forgiving

> person. This is hard for anyone. I wish I was more

> like that!

>

> - Adrienne

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Sweetie .. It sucks.. It honestly does sometimes. My son was recently hurt

by another boy.. Smacked.. Given a " five star " as they called it.. So he was

left with a red hand print on his back..

I went and spoke to the parents.. We all ended up in tears. She was equally

upset her son could do this... And I enlightened her on autism .. Etc.

Chase ( my son) was quite upset at the time.. And a bubble bath and cuddle..

And he was soon my usual boy again.

Its a fear we all have.. But one we can only control.. One person at a time.

It is my hope we have made a change with that family and perhaps other

people they may now meet and who meet my son.

After a while.. You may get up the courage.. To approach girls like this..

And say.. Something like.. ( whispering..) I know it seems odd.. To see a

child like this.. But.. he has autism... And needs friends too. Please don

t laugh and stare.. it may hurt his feelings.

They may continue to laugh.. But they might just realize.. You are right ..

And you may have changed their future responses.

-- ( ) It can be nice that they are so oblivious

sometimes.....

We were at a picnic tonight and there were two girls that were just being

girls " , but they

were clearly whispering and making fun of my son. Now I was completely

aware of what

was going on and they kept looking at me for my reaction, but just kept

going right

along ignoring them and playing with the turtles and dolphin toys in the

pool. It really

hurt me to see other kids making fun of my son and I wanted to throttle them

but it was

in a strange way comforting to know that he was not really aware of what was

happening.

I worry about how things will be when he is older and peers continue to make

fun of him.

Will there come a time that he WILL be aware of this? How will he feel

about it? I just wish

I could protect him from all the mean-ness out there, but I know that I can

t. I saw two

shirts that I'm going to purchase (if we get an official diagnosis) - one

says, " I'm autistic -

what's your excuse? " and the other says " I'm autistic, and I think you're

weird too! "

Just feeling sorry for myself right now - that's all. I'm sure I will feel

better tomorrow

when my little boy wakes up and bounds down the stairs to play with his cars

- he loves

cars.

[Guest guest]

Yes, it used to be nice when they were oblivious, but for my 2 boys

who are 9-1/2 & 11, it quickly became very dangerous. In Feb we

moved about 40 miles away for my husband's job. We didn't realize

the neighborhood we moved to wasn't the safest. Once it starts

getting dark, we're inside curtains closed, doors locked.

The kids the boys play with during the day are more " hard-core " and

got a kick out of asking the boys to do stuff they knew was wrong

(my kids assumed if the others asked them to do it, then it must be

ok) They starting getting into trouble. Of course the other kids

blamed everything on my kids- and it doesn't matter that I have

witnessed most of it, the parents still feel compelled to try and

start stuff with me and say my kids are at fault. I grew up with

the " hard-core " bunch and could hold my own, but my boys are

completely different and it's so hard to make them understand.

I finally had to explain it to them using the cartoon " Recess " as an

example by asking them if they have seen the bullies on there making

fun of and hurting the other kids who don't want to play what all

the other kids do, and then told them that's how it is with them.

Only I had to make sure and tell them that here in real life

(especially where we live) it could mean life or death.

Now, I point out every little thing to them and explain why

something happened, people's expressions, rhetorical questions, what

odd " sayings " mean, etc. It seems to really be helping them

understand the world they live in isn't always so literal.

It's so maddening, heart-breaking, exhausting, terrifying and

stressful to deal with on an everyday basis. I'm glad I have a place

like this to vent and for support cause there's none here for us.

So, I guess I'll have to use my " street " knowledge to keep them safe

and my motherly instincts to teach them. Sometimes I wish they were

still young (3 or 4 years old) when it seemed to be easier (on some

aspects anyway).

- :-)

>

> We were at a picnic tonight and there were two girls that were

just being " girls " , but they

> were clearly whispering and making fun of my son. Now I was

completely aware of what

> was going on and they kept looking at me for my reaction, but

just kept going right

> along ignoring them and playing with the turtles and dolphin toys

in the pool. It really

> hurt me to see other kids making fun of my son and I wanted to

throttle them, but it was

> in a strange way comforting to know that he was not really aware

of what was happening.

>

> I worry about how things will be when he is older and peers

continue to make fun of him.

> Will there come a time that he WILL be aware of this? How will he

feel about it? I just wish

> I could protect him from all the mean-ness out there, but I know

that I can't. I saw two

> shirts that I'm going to purchase (if we get an official

diagnosis) - one says, " I'm autistic -

> what's your excuse? " and the other says " I'm autistic, and I think

you're weird too! "

>

> Just feeling sorry for myself right now - that's all. I'm sure I

will feel better tomorrow

> when my little boy wakes up and bounds down the stairs to play

with his cars - he loves

> cars.

>

[Guest guest]

How about this one I saw...

People like me have to take medications because of people like you.

>

> We were at a picnic tonight and there were two girls that were just

being " girls " , but they

> were clearly whispering and making fun of my son. Now I was completely

aware of what

> was going on and they kept looking at me for my reaction, but

just kept going right

> along ignoring them and playing with the turtles and dolphin toys in

the pool. It really

> hurt me to see other kids making fun of my son and I wanted to

throttle them, but it was

> in a strange way comforting to know that he was not really aware of

what was happening.

>

> I worry about how things will be when he is older and peers continue

to make fun of him.

> Will there come a time that he WILL be aware of this? How will he feel

about it? I just wish

> I could protect him from all the mean-ness out there, but I know that

I can't. I saw two

> shirts that I'm going to purchase (if we get an official diagnosis) -

one says, " I'm autistic -

> what's your excuse? " and the other says " I'm autistic, and I think

you're weird too! "

>

> Just feeling sorry for myself right now - that's all. I'm sure I will

feel better tomorrow

> when my little boy wakes up and bounds down the stairs to play with

his cars - he loves

> cars.

>

[Guest guest]

--- <cmcintosh5@...> wrote:

>> And he was soon my usual boy again.

> Its a fear we all have.. But one we can only

> control.. One person at a time.

My biggest fear is my son internalizing it. has

been bullied by the same kid for the past 3 years. I

had to deal with it last year (causing the kid to get

in trouble), and again this year. This kid had been

tormenting since Feb/March and never

said a word about it until the kid had actually

stabbed in both arms with a pencil. And I ended

up having to go to the dean on the next to the last

day of school. (It happened 2 days before school

ended.) It really breaks my heart to think that he has

endured the torture for that long. I guess he figured

that this kid had gotten in trouble last year and was

still doing this, so it was pointless to say anything

against the kid because he would just continue

bothering him.

And that scares me. That he felt like he was helpless

against this kid. And just didn't say a word.

We had a situation 2 years ago where another kid (that

had grown up in church with) was bullying him

as well. I wonder now how much more this kid did to

him that we don't know about. It did esculate to the

point where the kid ended up smacking in the

back of the head to the point that he cried. Luckily,

the other students were able to defend -but ONLY

after the dean had punished for supposedly

calling the other child something that didn't

even understand or knew what it meant. It bothers me

that this kid put in a situation where he was

brought to tears in front of the other kids at school

(the end of 6th-grade at the time) when teenagers can

really form opinions about others. I was afraid he'd

be termed as a baby for crying. But thankfully, the

kids rallied around him. The dean was the problem in

that situation.

I do think it's sad that they aren't always aware of

what people think of them. 's pretty perceptive

about it. But a lot of times he doesn't know how to

express how he feels about it. So he just ends up

" shutting down " .

But we do have a great youth group. They might not be

friends with him, but they do include him when they do

things together. Last year before VBS, the youth came

in to help decorate. I never thought I'd see what I

did with the group. They included him in their

conversations and what they were doing. One of the

girls in the group can be very demanding and

cliche-ish and yet she regarded him as a friend. It's

almost like they look out for him.

One of the guys is his best friend. He's a year older

than but his parents held him back in

Kindergarten because he was so much shorter than the

other kids his age. He is a " rare gem " because he

takes for who he is. He tolerates 's

moods/behavior without any problems. He is a great kid

and definitely an answer to prayer for our son!

Melinda

[Guest guest]

I wish sometimes that my son, Zachary, 8, was oblivious. He comes

home from school and daycare saying that kids make fun of him, call

him freak, idiot, and push him (at daycare). I have taken him out

of daycare for the summer b/c he begged me to. Only 2 kids showed

up at his birthday party after inviting all in his class. I was

kinda upset b/c no one even called. I think he was a little upset

but didn't say much about it. Will he ever understand that he does

sometimes get on people's nerves by talking so much and begging

other kids to play with him when they don't want to? He just left

yesterday until Wednesday to go to cub scout camp with his leader.

I just hope he doesn't wander off and get lost. I am new at this so

any suggestions of books, etc would be greatly appreciative.